I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[django]

Well, she actually did write me back late last night. She basically said she wasn't sure if I actually loved her or missed her, or if I even knew much about her. She said she can't handle talking to me right now. I responded, basically trying to assure her that I do genuinely love her and miss her and that I understand why she can't talk to me for now, but that I want her to be happy.

 

I'm glad for her response, but it really didnt' change anything. There is a very strong possibility that she simply wants me to leave her alone while sleeps with someone else. I'm still right where I was two weeks ago.

[Normm]

What's your next step?

[django]

What's your next step?

 

Nothing, I guess. Just try to live my life. I don't think there is anything else I can do.

[Normm]

Nothing, I guess. Just try to live my life. I don't think there is anything else I can do.

 

 

Ding! Correct answer! Pick any animal from the middle shelf and keep it to trade for a bigger prize if you win again.

[Redhead14]

You showed her something and gave her a window into what a future with you would look like -- when there is difficulty and stress and you feel like you have too much on your plate, she will be what gets pushed off the plate. That is not how a good relationship/marriage should work.

 

Nevertheless, if you watched my cousin Vinny, you would see essentially the same scenario between Lisa and Vinny, but that outcome would only happen in the movies . . .

[preraph]

Why would you possibly think that him giving her flowers while kneeling will changer her mind and completely erase the problems?

 

Because a ring, as D0nnivain said, (not flowers) would show that he is serious. Not to say maybe it's the right time for him to do it since he isn't sure, but if he wants her to take his regret seriously, this would at least maybe open the door again. He could tell her "long engagement."

Edited July 13, 2019 by preraph

[Redhead14]

Yep, if he was really serious about wanting her, he'd have been at her door with a diamond ring and flowers instead of whining here. This guy doesn't know what he wants and if he doesn't know that he wants her by now, then he doesn't want her. She should keep moving.

[Highndry]

I don't know why she won't even see me or talk to me. I'm devastated. I really, really love her and I don't know what to do.

 

 

You broke up with her and crushed her. Let this be a lesson to never, ever break up with someone unless you are 100% sure.

[Beachead]

Nothing, I guess. Just try to live my life. I don't think there is anything else I can do.

 

It's in her hands now django. She doesn't believe in the relationship or you anymore and that's something she has to work out on her own. Let her sort it out alone. If that means she needs to go and mess around with others, so be it.

 

I know you'll want to blame yourself and your guilt is going to eat away at you in the coming months but it's not your fault. And it's situations like these that are defining moments for relationships. The make or breaks. Most people just quit and leave when things become unfavourable. Others work at it. And it's not just up to you to make a relationship work. It's up to her as well and right now the ball is in her court. If her love for you is strong, she'll forgive you, and she'll return and you two will end up back together. If not, she'll move on. It's that simple.

 

The world today likes to point fingers and blame people for making mistakes. To that world, I enjoy showing off my middle finger, because at the end of the day, we all make mistakes. We go through things and sometimes we just fail. It's called being human. There's not one person on this earth who has lived a perfect life. Without mistakes and failures, we don't grow wise and get better. You must forgive yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited July 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Normm]

Because a ring, as D0nnivain said, (not flowers) would show that he is serious.

 

Or desperate, fickle, lonely, horney, and/or impulsive. If anything doing a complete 180 from breakup to proposing in less than 2 weeks is a sign that he has no clue what he wants.

 

A ring means nothing.

Edited July 13, 2019 by Normm

[preraph]

He was going through something, had his plate full, and feeling suffocated. It happens that I have been there myself and broken off with someone. But it wasn't a real-life relationship but long distance. I just know how that can be. You become overwhelmed. You don't have time. You have too much on your head to try to keep up communications with everyone. Everything becomes a chore. You just run out of juice.

 

If that is in fact what happened, he needs to try to make her understand it, though if she's never been through any hard times with ill or dying relatives, she likely won't still understand it. It's one reason people have to get some years on them and experience to understand things.

[django]

She said she still loves me in the response to my email, but I just saw her on tinder. It's really done, I guess. I can't decide if I should embrace the love I felt for her or the lingering reasons for my hesitation in committing. I keep going over and over all the little things I knew I should have done and said a the relationship progressed but pulled myself back from. I just couldn't be fully with her and go all-in, for some reason. It's such a weird sensation to be sure enough I didn'[t want to do this but knowing as I did it that it wasn't what would make me happy. I don't know. You guys are great, though.

[Blanco]

Marriage is one of the biggest decisions one ever makes. It shouldn't be entered into because one feels obligated, pressured, or because it's what they're supposed to be doing. It really hurts to lose someone who you loved/cared about, even if something was keeping you from going all in. Things are rarely black and white, so when a relationship ends, we're losing someone who probably had a lot of good qualities in addition to their flaws.

 

All I can tell you is that something prevented you from wanting to marry this woman. Maybe in time you'll come to realize it was something unrelated to her. In that case, you will have to try to take the silver lining of knowing that you can be more aware in a future relationship. But I suspect there were other reasons; valid ones. You're feeling devastated because she's gone, which is normal. We tend to place a high value on what we don't have.

 

Try to find some solace in knowing that you had this woman, but something in you told you that she was not the one you wanted to marry and build a life with. That doesn't mean she was no good or won't make a good wife for someone some day. It just means she wasn't the right one for you. That is probably of little comfort in the immediate wake of your loss, but just trust yourself that if you had really felt this was someone you wanted to marry, you wouldn't have pushed that idea away.

[preraph]

Well, if you can't go all in, then you need to accept it's over and go all out. Something wasn't right between you or you'd have been a bit more comfortable, although it's true just about everyone has hesitation.

[django]

Just gonna vent for a bit. I ****ed up so badly. All I think about is how l she was and how aloof and cold I was at times. Just before this happened she was weeping in my arms and asking me why I didn't love her like she loved me, and all I ice cold. I just couldn't bring myself to totally hand it all over to her. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be. She was my everything, and I don't often feel like that. She was the kindest, most patient, most giving and thoughtful person I've ever met.

 

I keep going over and over everything. I'm lost.

[Beachead]

@django

 

From my experience, a decision to breakup doesn't usually occur overnight. It's happens over time in the form of a slow wear and tear process. Eventually something snaps and we just can't do it anymore. You were in your heart and mind, done with the relationship the night you decided to end it and there were reasons for it.

 

What you have to do is recall those reasons. Think about certain events that triggered feelings that led to to those reasons. You can exercise this here or by yourself but do it. This will be the key to helping you get past your guilt and self-blame. Take some time and think about it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 15, 2019 by Beachead

[Normm]

She was my everything, and I don't often feel like that. She was the kindest, most patient, most giving and thoughtful person I've ever met.

 

 

Don't glamorize the relationship. It wasn't really that good.

[amaysngrace]

I keep going over and over everything. I'm lost.

 

You’re broken because you grew up in a dysfunctional home. You need to address that before you can ever expect to be healthy in a relationship.

 

I think you’re looking at what went wrong in the relationship for answers but really you need to look deeper than the relationship because that’s just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

 

Grab that bull by the horns and learn how to open up about how you feel, not about her but about your life in general. You should go talk to someone. Growing up in a diseased home will only keep you sick yourself unless you go get better.

Edited July 15, 2019 by amaysngrace

[Blanco]

@django

 

From my experience, a decision to breakup doesn't usually occur overnight. It's happens over time in the form of a slow wear and tear process. Eventually something snaps and we just can't do it anymore. You were in your heart and mind, done with the relationship the night you decided to end it and there were reasons for it.

 

What you have to do is recall those reasons. Think about certain events that triggered feelings that led to to those reasons. You can exercise this here or by yourself but do it. This will be the key to helping you get past your guilt and self-blame. Take some time and think about it.

 

- Beach

 

This precisely. I technically ended my last serious relationship even though I did so with much reluctance. She was a good woman and there were a lot of layers involved that made it really difficult for me to leave, even though it became undeniable that this was not someone I could have a successful lifetime relationship with.

 

Funny thing is, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back was so minor in the grand scheme of things that I'm almost embarrassed to cite it as the tipping point. But much like Beachead describes, it wasn't really that isolated incident that caused it. It was something simmering beneath the surface for months; heck, maybe even years if I'm honest with myself.

 

I had regrets after, especially when she moved on to someone else and I started second guessing my decision. I wondered if I had simply not been able to identify a great thing when I had it, and honestly wondered if I was doomed to look back and be faced with the knowledge that I had let a great woman go and wonderful opportunity to build a life and family with someone.

 

But it wasn't true. Regardless of what came after for her, it didn't change that we didn't work together. And, as it turned out, it didn't work out for that guy either and for some similar reasons, I understand.

 

Didn't make it any easier at times, and honestly, I still get down about it from time to time when I'm feeling a bit lonely. But I know I did the right thing. Reading your posts, I think you did, too, even if you don't feel like it.

[d0nnivain]

You sent her an E-MAIL? The only thing worse would have been a text.

 

For Pete's sake, did you understand nothing about the idea that this woman needs to see EFFORT from you?

 

By sending her an e-mail you confirmed to her that you don't give a flying fig about her, not enough to spring for a stamp or the gas to drive over to her. the email was insulting.

[Redhead14]

Just gonna vent for a bit. I ****ed up so badly. All I think about is how l she was and how aloof and cold I was at times. Just before this happened she was weeping in my arms and asking me why I didn't love her like she loved me, and all I ice cold. I just couldn't bring myself to totally hand it all over to her. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be. She was my everything, and I don't often feel like that. She was the kindest, most patient, most giving and thoughtful person I've ever met.

 

I keep going over and over everything. I'm lost.

 

You need to face facts -- you are not in love with her PERIOD. If you were, you'd have been showing her in every way possible and not treating her like she is disposable and then throwing salt in the wound by sending her an email. That's just further proof that she is right, you are cold as ice toward her but too lazy and don't have the emotional EQ to look for someone else.

 

Hindsight in these cases is usually just insecurity in disguise -- you're afraid you won't find anyone else and so she looks better than nothing. You've made your decision to leave her behind now stop throwing breadcrumbs at her and disrespecting her further. Get focused on just you and your future without her. In fact, focus on a shorter term future that doesn't include dating for a while. Get real and right with yourself before you try to have someone else in your life that you need to be real and right with.

[django]

You sent her an E-MAIL? The only thing worse would have been a text.

 

For Pete's sake, did you understand nothing about the idea that this woman needs to see EFFORT from you?

 

By sending her an e-mail you confirmed to her that you don't give a flying fig about her, not enough to spring for a stamp or the gas to drive over to her. the email was insulting.

 

She told me not that she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm not going to stalk her on the off chance that's what she wants.

[django]

You need to face facts -- you are not in love with her PERIOD. If you were, you'd have been showing her in every way possible and not treating her like she is disposable and then throwing salt in the wound by sending her an email. That's just further proof that she is right, you are cold as ice toward her but too lazy and don't have the emotional EQ to look for someone else.

 

Hindsight in these cases is usually just insecurity in disguise -- you're afraid you won't find anyone else and so she looks better than nothing. You've made your decision to leave her behind now stop throwing breadcrumbs at her and disrespecting her further. Get focused on just you and your future without her. In fact, focus on a shorter term future that doesn't include dating for a while. Get real and right with yourself before you try to have someone else in your life that you need to be real and right with.

 

I definitely took her for granted and didn't put in the effort recently, but I am in love with her. She refused to speak with me, and had said that she "can't handle talking to me right now," so I had very few options.

[Normm]

You sent her an E-MAIL? The only thing worse would have been a text.

 

For Pete's sake, did you understand nothing about the idea that this woman needs to see EFFORT from you?

 

By sending her an e-mail you confirmed to her that you don't give a flying fig about her, not enough to spring for a stamp or the gas to drive over to her. the email was insulting.

 

 

Nothing like kicking sand in a guy's face when he's lying on the ground.

[Beachead]

@django

 

..but I am in love with her.

 

I advise you to hold that thought and see how you feel after 8-10 months.

 

I do believe the stress from your family life certainly contributed to you breaking up with her, I don't believe it was the ONLY reason that caused that breakup. I suspect there are other reasons; ones that you may not be aware of yet. Like I said earlier, the decision to breakup isn't an overnight decision. It's a collection of problems that weighed on you over time until you ended it. It could, the family stress merely catalyzed what was going to happen anyway.

 

Yes, you could very well be in love with her but you don't know for sure, because your motivations are ALSO rooted in other emotions; pain from heartbreak, guilt from mistakes, the anxiety of losing the comfort/familiarity that she provided, and the fear of an unknown future. How do you know how much of each emotion is contributing to what you want? You won't know until several months pass by and you've had time apart to evaluate things. It'll bring the kind of clarity you can only realize with time.

 

So she's not the only one who needs her space right now..you need your space as well. Make the most of your alone time. Why? 2 reasons:

 

1. If you meet someone new, you need to be sorted so that you don't carry your guilt and pain and residual feelings of this relationship into that new relationship. These things could end a relationship which will lead you to more confusion, more blame and more misery for yourself.

 

2. In the event, she does come back and you two start up again, you still need to completely sorted in your head. If you're not, her coming back and you two starting up again is going to result in a disaster because you don't know what you're feeling, which will hurt you and her far worse the second time around. Again, more guilt, more blame, more regret etc.

 

Take a step back and give yourself time and figure it out.

Edited July 15, 2019 by Beachead