I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[Redhead14]

She wasn't isn't sure that the new guy was going to work out for her so she was keeping you on the burner as a safety net . . .

 

She's a monkey-brancher. The new guy isn't getting a prize and you haven't lost one. It would be interesting to know if he knows/knew about you.

[elaine567]

The new guy isn't getting a prize and you haven't lost one.

I am not to sure about that, HE dumped her, she didn't dump him.

She was the one wanting commitment from him.

He decided he couldn't do that and dumped her.

She has just decided to move on with her life...

[django]

If jobs are scarce in your field, you can take the job. See how it goes. See how you feel. If it works out such that you actually feel much better after a few months, then keep it and keep going. If you find yourself feeling worse because of the proximity and you just can't forget about her, then leave it. Atleast this way, you tried.

 

On the flip side, being closer to her might be the worst thing for your well-being. It might delay your healing as well if such is the case. There won't be much sense in taking that job with a state of mind that's still in the dumpster. It'll end up affecting your job performance. This is actually what happened to me when I took a new job shortly after a breakup. I started grieving while still on probation. My performance drastically suffered and it didn't work out. Right now, you're grieving. As long as this job doesn't take up all your time and does leave room for you feel things, it's okay. Otherwise, it might end up making you bury your pain and it'll all erupt some months later like it did for me.

 

I've considered the things you mentioned. I love my current coworkers, but the job itself is very difficult and the hours are long. I'd been looking for other positions the last few months, and this one seems to make sense for me. It's going to be very hard making this change, but I feel like I need to do this. Everything will be new and I'm very scared, but I need to be able to trust new things and new places, and obviously trust myself, too.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Beachead]

@django

 

Then go for it. You won't know what's up unless you try. If you find your mental state is getting worse and it's because the job is in close proximity to where she lives, then I would suggest applying for that'll take you away from her.

[Blanco]

I am not to sure about that, HE dumped her, she didn't dump him.

She was the one wanting commitment from him.

He decided he couldn't do that and dumped her.

She has just decided to move on with her life...

 

She's two months out of a relationship that she supposedly wanted to lead to marriage. She didn't monkey-branch, but if she came here posting that she was already seeing someone else, I think most of us would suggest it's too soon.

[brownygoldy]

Reading this thread, my assessment is that you both had a lot of love for each other but the relationship wasn’t the healthiest.

 

Whilst you were together, you weren’t fully committed to the stability and future of your relationship yet she stayed out of fear of losing the one she loved.

 

After you broke up and you had your important realisation, she was able to move on pretty quickly and has exhibited behaviours of dishonesty which puts her motives into question.

 

If I had to guess at her motive, it would be that she feels in control. She obviously loved you a lot but was able to move on (in the sense see and be with somebody else rather than healthily move forward from your past) and that has given her a sense of empowerment of a.) being wanted and b.) being able to survive without you.

 

She evidently isn’t over you as has been cross-sleeping with you by the sounds of it.

 

This situation between you could easily become toxic with both of you becoming comfortable not being committed to one another but having the comfort knowing that you’re still available to one another when the scratch itches.

 

A clean break is required and if a conversation/message initiated by you is what gains that then do it.

 

With regards to the job, you sound emotionally stable and strong enough to me to be able to take the job albeit it being closer to her. Feeling sad due to your breakup is completely normal. I feel that once you’re in a job that is fulfilling you more your focus will shift onto that and that will naturally help in your moving on process.

 

As others have said, you always have the option of leaving if it becomes unbearable.

Edited August 8, 2019 by brownygoldy

[spiritedaway2003]

My take is that she got really hurt from the first breakup and she decided to move on. She then met someone else (probably a rebound) but she wasn't over the OP yet. Then the OP realized he made a mistake and kept pursuing her. Of course, she's confused. Don't keep hurting each other more than you have to. It's fine if you broke up with her initially because you weren't ready for a commitment with her, but don't go back and forth. Leave her alone until you know what it is you want. (Because it almost sounds like you don't want to be back together again, right?)

 

Not only are you affected yourself by what happened, but you're also messing with her and really damaging her in the process -- because you couldn't make up your mind about what you want.

[django]

It's fine if you broke up with her initially because you weren't ready for a commitment with her, but don't go back and forth. Leave her alone until you know what it is you want. (Because it almost sounds like you don't want to be back together again, right?)

.

 

I just want this situation to be different than it is. I'm very hurt. I don't know why she would bother lying to me. We were already broken up and there aren't any expectations of fidelity, so what was she afraid I would do?

 

She actually messaged me yesterday saying how proud she was of me. I hadn't blocked her, just removed her. I guess she heard about the new job somehow. I didn't respond.

 

Anyway, I'm moving forward. I resigned yesterday and will clean out my office tonight so I don't see too many people. I'm leaning very hard on my support network to get me through this enormous shift, and fighting the self-doubt every second.

[Beachead]

@django

 

I don't know why she would bother lying to me. We were already broken up and there aren't any expectations of fidelity, so what was she afraid I would do?

 

That's because you're attempting to evaluate an irrational person using rational thinking. She's confused remember? She's not thinking clearly.

 

Yes, you two are broken up but you two are not over eachother. There are remnant of feelings, nostalgia, anxiety and attachment lingering here and there. In those toxic emotional conditions, there is a lot of overthinking going into every single conversation or interaction you two have...on her end and on yours. She's not herself. Neither are you. It should basically tell you that you two are not good for eachother at the moment. You can't be friends. You can't have a relationship. You two need time and space apart..it always comes back to that.

 

Will this change in the future? I don't know. Perhaps. Perhaps not. There are a lot of variables. Most of which you cannot control. If you attempt to bank your hope and happiness onto a bunch of maybes, you'll find your entire life will go downhill and take your well-being down with it. Your next best move is to focus on tomorrow and begin living your life towards it. She has chosen not to be a part of that tomorrow. Don't let her blur the lines of friendship and relationship into one so that she can have it both ways. If she chooses not to be with you, she chooses to lose all of you. She doesn't get to keep parts of you. You did this dance with her for 2 months. At some point, it has to stop.

 

She can't hate you for it because remember, you did come back and beg her for weeks to take you back. A lot of dumpees out there wished their ex would do that. She chose what was right for her and at the moment. Its just been a bit difficult for her to come to terms with that decision..and that's okay. But that's her struggle. That's not your struggle. You shouldn't be sticking around at the mercy of her indecision. You let her sort hers out. You sort yours.

 

But anyway, you are beginning to sound like you're getting your bearings. Good on you for not responding but expect more breadcrumbs from her similar to this one, in the near future. She may get emotionally intense with you again. Don't fall into the trap of running back in hopes it'll all be great again. She'll have her fill, come to her senses, and burn you again. So, if that happens, stick to you plan and don't respond. If you feel you should, then just tell her you love her and wish to be with her, but cannot do this back and forth with her. It's not good for either of you. Wish her well and saying nothing after that. Just focus on your life and remain distant.

 

Time is going to figure this all out for you. Let it do the work.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2019 by Beachead

[BlondeSusane]

Where did you get that idea from?

 

I was speaking to Django, I should have quoted his original post!

[SumGuy]

I really, really messed up. She was a wonderful girlfriend and I just couldn't give her what she needed. I took her for granted and did a really poor job at communicating my thoughts. I made her feel like a chore. I didn't listen properly. This sucks.

 

 

You did. And if you don't give her time to process this at her pace you will never get her back.

[ThorntonMelon]

Django I just wanted to share with you that I think you'll find in your future that in healthy relationships a lot of the things you've shared as having happened won't happen. I am not saying it's your fault or her fault or just the chemical reaction the two of you made together but I think you both need to find yourselves a partner that brings out your best.

 

I have been through your pain before. It is temporary, but it's very real, and do understand you're going through an emotional car crash right now. You're allowed to heal at whatever pace the injuries require. Please take care of yourself.

[django]

You did. And if you don't give her time to process this at her pace you will never get her back.

 

It's done. She's gone.

 

This week has been hard. I'm like a baby sometimes, requiring constant reassurance.

[django]

Django I just wanted to share with you that I think you'll find in your future that in healthy relationships a lot of the things you've shared as having happened won't happen. I am not saying it's your fault or her fault or just the chemical reaction the two of you made together but I think you both need to find yourselves a partner that brings out your best.

 

I have been through your pain before. It is temporary, but it's very real, and do understand you're going through an emotional car crash right now. You're allowed to heal at whatever pace the injuries require. Please take care of yourself.

 

Thank you for the kinds words. Maybe you're right, maybe I wouldn't have been so hesitant if the relationship were healthy, but it didn't seem to be toxic and it definitely wasn't abusive. She was my best friend and I felt like I could tell her anything, and outside of the commitment stuff, I never sense any pressure to be someone I'm not.

 

I'm becoming more and more aware of how alone I must have made her feel sometimes. It's awful.

Edited August 15, 2019 by django

[Highndry]

Thank you for the kinds words. Maybe you're right, maybe I wouldn't have been so hesitant if the relationship were healthy, but it didn't seem to be toxic and it definitely wasn't abusive. She was my best friend and I felt like I could tell her anything, and outside of the commitment stuff, I never sense any pressure to be someone I'm not.

 

I'm becoming more and more aware of how alone I must have made her feel sometimes. It's awful.

 

 

You know what? We're all alone in this world. That's the reality we have to accept. She's a liar. You can do better.

[Beachead]

@django

 

You're okay. Just keep living your life and leave it to time. This pain you feel actually provides the best climate to learn how to let go, let be, and carry on so I would use it as practice. As you've probably discovered already, life is jammed with adversity. Things are not going to always go your way. You'll fall flat on your face, make mistakes, and when life is going right, you can end up getting blasted with things out of your control. Getting good at letting things be and letting go is something that'll benefit you greatly. Does that mean you should expect yourself to move on immediately? No. Ofcourse not. It just means accept you're in pain, forgive yourself, try to do better going forward, and focus on what you can do rather than what you can't do. It'll help you get your feet back on the ground and planted.

 

This isn't an easy thing to do. Learning to let things be and to let go is a skill that has to be practiced.

Edited August 17, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

Just venting here. I'm really overwhelmed. The new job has only just begun and it's already a terribly organized, unstable organization that is undergoing an enormous amount of change. I have tons of things to do and I can just barely muster the willpower to get out of bed some days. The only person I really want to talk to about this is my ex, and obviously that's not going to happen. I miss her so much. I'm honestly still in shock at how this has all gone down. It doesn't feel real.

[Silver_star]

Sorry you are going through a rough time, but as the cliche sayings go...it's always darkest before dawn.

 

They say those things because it is true. I know how you feel though.

I miss my ex a lot lately, especially when I am feeling isolated or alone.

You will find your stride. Just got to keep showing up every day, and when thoughts come in that make you want to contact your ex...text a friend, talk to a co-worker, write a post here instead. Little by little. Week by week, month by month. Try to focus on moving forward. Remember that if she wanted you in her life she would reach out in some way and let you know.

[django]

She's been texting me every four to five days with banal well-wishes, hoping I'm doing okay, that the job is good, that my week went well. I have no idea why. She doesn't invite any exchange, she simply makes a statement. I don't know why she's bothering. i know she's with someone else.

 

More importantly, I don't know why I haven't blocked her number yet. The denial here runs very, very deep, even in the face of irrefutable evidence that I cannot believe a word she says, and am a fool. I keep working toward hitting that button that essentially would cut off all contact, and then I feel such grief that I simply can't do it.No more games with my family on holidays, no more beach trips, no more winter Sundays watching the snow fall while we lay in bed. No more cutey-cakes or sweetheart. I'm profoundly sad and hurt that she moved on so rapidly and lied to me about it all the entire time. I would have understood if she'd simply told me. I wasn't a great boyfriend, but the ease and fluency with which she deceived someone she claimed to want to marry is very destabilizing and I have a very hard time trusting even the idea of loving someone again.

 

New job, new city, new apartment. I should be exhilarated, but I'm exhausted. I wake up at 3 am to go the gym and give myself enough time to feel sad before I go to work, where I have to be positive and bright for 100 people. I have massive bags under my eyes and I'm eating garbage. At the heart of it all, thouhg, is the fact that I broke it off. I feel like I have no concept of the gravity of the decision I make, even when I feel like I've considered them at length. I'm a weak, indecisive man, as it turns out, and all my stoicism and resolve was simply a facade I worked up to fool someone, somewhere, into thinking I belonged in the world.

Edited September 7, 2019 by django

[Beachead]

What are you blaming yourself for? For being a human being?

 

You've had a tough life and you're working through it as best as you can. You're not going to be perfect and you'll never be perfect. We fail all the time man. We make mistakes. We say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. We come up short. We misunderstand. We lose our cool etc. But as long as you are doing the best you can in your life, that is ALL you can ask of yourself. And we grow and get better as we gain experience and grow older. That is life. If she can't find it in her heart to forgive you, then she was never meant to make it to your future.

 

She plays a role in this as well. Relationships are never clean. They come with arguments and fights and bad times as well and through all of it is how you develop loyalty, respect, trust etc. That is what creates longevity in the relationship. Anyone can say a bunch of loving things to a person when life is great. But during sh*t times? That's when you see how strong the bond is. It is not up to you to solely make a relationship work. It's on her too. You need to stop blaming yourself.

 

She is actually being extremely selfish at this point. She rejects you but keeps baiting you with breadcrumbs. There is no point to anything she is saying here. If she doesn't want to get back together, she can f*ck off. There is no friendship that's going to happen there. Like I mentioned earlier, you did everything you could do. She knows how you feel. She needs to come out and tell you she wants to get back together. Everything she is doing here is an attempt to bait you into engaging with her, so she can satisfy her ego and soothe her anxiety. She is trying to keep you on the backburner as a backup boyfriend or a ego-booster, while she sorts her head out. She doesn't realize she's being weak. Maybe she does and she doesn't even care. If you respond, you'll only show her that she still has your balls in a vice grip. It'll boost her confidence which she will use to find someone else.

 

Regarding your pain..you're well into your grief now. Initially you were in denial, living in a bubble of hope. When you realized things were not going to work out your way, you began to see things for the way that they actually were and it crushed that hope and now you're actually processing the reality. You're working through your pain and you're also about a month into NC. That's why it feels worse now than it did a month or two ago.

The good news here is this is the worst period of time you'll be dealing with in your grief. It'll get better. But do not respond to her.

 

I stress again* She knows how you feel. She knows what you want. She hasn't gotten back together with you YET she is breaking contact at every moment she feels like it. She's not considering your feelings at this point. She is wrong. She's not the perfect goddess that you seem to be seeing her as. She needs to get her sh*t together.

Edited September 7, 2019 by Beachead

[Slate]

Block her. NOW. You're letting this slowly destroy you.

[Highndry]

I know it's a very difficult thing to do, but you have a good opening to reply to her with the following:

 

 

"Hey, I appreciate the well-wishes and what not, but they're not helping me move on. I told you I made a mistake breaking up with you and wanted to get back together but you did not, so it is time I move on completely. I wish you the best and if you have a change of heart you know how to reach me. Until then, please do not contact me again. Thank you."

[Nicklb]

I think we have the same ex gf..

 

Your's seemed unstable. Suicide attempts? Mine is unstable in different ways.

 

I was going through a very tough time, overwhelmed.. She always had to come first. I drifted away.. Once she is gone I miss her terribly and think of all the good times.

 

She also moved on quickly and blamed everything on me. Everything I didn't do enough of.. But at the time I couldn't. Because she was TOO MUCH.

 

however she also reaches out, and I also need to block her. I am stuck in the weird territory where she is doing nice things for me, but won't be with me..

[Highndry]

...I am stuck in the weird territory where she is doing nice things for me, but won't be with me..

 

 

That's not weird, that common. She's trying to keep you as an option in case the new man doesn't work out. That's why you go no contact with these women. Just cut them off completely like you don't even exist anymore.

[basil67]

Or she's trying to assuage her guilt about hurting you or she's a kind person who doesn't conceive of how her actions are huring you.

 

There can be many different reasons why a person does the things they do.