Author django Posted September 16, 2019 Author Share Posted September 16, 2019 Really wanted to reach out to her today. I was scrolling through some old videos on my phone this morning and found one of my nephew eating dinner. I began watching it, forgetting entirely that my ex had been sitting beside me while I filmed. Off screen int he video, I could hear her laughing. Rather than stop the video, I repeatedly watched it, just listening to her happiness, near to me, in a moment that's gone forever. I spent the rest of the day at work wondering what I should do, if anything. Ultimately I just sat on it until I could come home and post this. THe worst part of all of this is that I still love her and miss her very, very much, and it makes me question my integrity and self-respect. She lied to me over and over again and I still want her badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 This is why I told you earlier on to get rid of anything that's on your phone that might remind you of her. This stuff happens and when it does, it kills. Transfer it all onto a cloud or an external HD but get it off of your phone. This is the equivalent and bashing a healing physical wound against a surface and reopening it. What you have to do now is just ride the pain out. It'll be intense for a couple of days and then it'll start subsiding. It's not going to stay this bad. Tell yourself that. Also just post your feelings and thoughts on here when you feel tempted to reach out to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Really wanted to reach out to her today. I was scrolling through some old videos on my phone this morning and found one of my nephew eating dinner. I began watching it, forgetting entirely that my ex had been sitting beside me while I filmed. Off screen int he video, I could hear her laughing. Rather than stop the video, I repeatedly watched it, just listening to her happiness, near to me, in a moment that's gone forever. THe worst part of all of this is that I still love her and miss her very, very much, and it makes me question my integrity and self-respect. She lied to me over and over again and I still want her badly. You need help. This is getting out of hand. You were advised to block her number, remove everything from your phone related to her so you wont be reminded, but you ignored all that and continue to torture yourself by wallowing in all this self pity. Why? It's not healthy and it's making you feel worse. Get some help and soon. You are dragging yourself down and there is nothing anyone else here can do for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author django Posted September 17, 2019 Author Share Posted September 17, 2019 I thought I had removed everything, she's just so deeply integrated into the past two+ years of my life that I can't sweep everything away at once. She was basically part of my family. I've had a few counseling sessions and we talked about attachment styles and my upbringing, among other things. Regarding the breakup, he suggested the same thing I see posted all of this forum: no contact, process internally, and keep going. It's very difficult to accept that there are no answers forthcoming, that she did what she did for any or no reason, and that she seemingly thought so little of me to keep me in the dark regarding the real circumstances of her confusion. I think I need to take a break from posting here. It's very helpful to receive advice and read what other people are going through, but I also think it's just keeping me mired in grief and regret. I need to focus on other things, even if it's simply nothing sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 (edited) @django Your relationship wasn't perfect man. If it was, the two of you would have gotten passed this. One bump in the road wouldn't cause her to walk away permanently. I don't believe in the one that got away and I don't believe that people breakup impulsively. There are always reasons. You just can't see them right now because you are blinded by the guilt you feel. From your perception, you might feel like it was all your doing but as I mentioned several times before, there are numerous external and internal factors in her life and yours that end up causing this and it can overall, make you two incompatible. You need to forgive yourself for what you feel you did wrong so that you can let go of that guilt/regret. Nobody can do this for you but you. Edited September 18, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
imhappy Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 What an amazing thread. I actually gained so much perspective reading all of it. Django I'm also going through a break up except where I'm dumpee and I just want you to know we're gonna be fine. Just a bump in the road. Something to learn and grow from. I know it sucks at times. But that's the same reason we'll gain so much from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Your relationship wasn't perfect man. If it was, the two of you would have gotten passed this. One bump in the road wouldn't cause her to walk away permanently. It was hardly a bump on the road, he dumped her. He let her spend a month in hurt, desperation and pain, grieving for her loss then he turned round and said he didn't mean it... Few will get over that. Where is the trust? Nowhere. How can she believe a word he says? She realised it was not the great romance she thought it was. She moved on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 @elaine567 Reinforcing that over and over again is not going to help the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Reinforcing that over and over again is not going to help the OP. Neither will "blaming" her for the split, which seems to be the present strategy. She didn't reject him, he rejected her and now he wants her back, she is the bad guy??? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 (edited) @Elaine567 She didn't reject him, he rejected her and now he wants her back, she is the bad guy??? We drove that point home to the OP 2 months ago. He knows. That isn't the problem anymore. The problem is he's openly voiced to her his regrets for what he did and his desire for a second chance. She rejected it..which is perfectly fine. He eventually respected those wishes and went into NC. But over the past several weeks, she's been the one between the both of them, to be reaching out, multiple times, knowing she doesn't want to be with him and knowing how he feels. This is where she is wrong and this is what was being talked about. Being dumped does not give one an excuse to become reckless with another person's feelings. Even if that person is the person who has broken up with them. Neither will "blaming" her for the split, which seems to be the present strategy. The issue of "blame" that you're discussing is about those recent actions. The present strategy is to help him deal with his guilt/regret so that he can move forward. Edited September 18, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Given her suicide attempt and your struggles with alcoholism, it doesn't seem as if either of you is on a good stable footing to have a romantic relationship. Some years ago I ended a relationship for somewhat similar reasons. He was very loving and making moves toward larger commitment, but stalling, I guess because deep down in spite of the love and good connection, it wasn't what he really wanted. I wasn't happy in limbo, so ended it and moved on. At the time he seemed to have a similar reaction to you, seemed very regretful, beating himself up about what he had failed to do, should have done better. He got in touch with me a few years ago and we caught up. As it turns out, while he doesn't have any problem getting into relationships, he doesn't want marriage and kids period. He's in his 40s now and says that hasn't changed. He reiterated the strong love he had for me. I think it's possible you wanted out of the relationship for reasons that go beyond your ex. It helps to shift your thinking from "omg I can't believe this happened / this totally sucks / I messed up so bad / etc." to: "I made the best decision I could at the time / I'm going to be ok / I hope we're both happy and loved." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author django Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 I got a letter from her yesterday. She talks about how much she misses me, the impact I've had on her and her life, how miserable I seemed near the end of the relationship, how much she thinks about me. I don't know what she wanted to accomplish by sending it, and she admits as much in her message, only hoping that she might stop dreaming about me by sharing some of the things she did. I'm really confused. She knows I feel the same way. I love her deeply and think I did everything short of proposing to her in my effort to undo the decision to break it off. I still think about no matter I do. The hole in my heart is still there, dull and aching. The last few months have been the most trying and exhausting months of my life. I've spent an impossible amount of time trying to figure out why she didn't come back, and have come to many divergent but valid conclusions. Maybe I shouldn't be confused, though. She does not say she wants to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
Londy Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 She wrote you a LETTER? Didn't think anyone did that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 So why don't you just ask her:Why did you send me this letter? Are you trying to get back together with me? Are you trying to be "just friends" with me? I can't be just friends. If we're going to be broken up, I need to not have setbacks like this from you contacting me and confusing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) @django The silence is affecting her and she's processing things but doesn't mean she knows what she wants though, so be real careful. I know how you feel and I know how I'd feel in your position. If you feel you may regret not responding to this letter in the future, then remind her that you love her and you wish to try again. See what she says. If her response to that is anything else but "Me too" or something to that effect, then leave it and don't respond. This will be done for your conscious. So that in the future, you will look back (And you will) and not wonder "What if I responded to that letter?" In knowing you responded, you'll have a clear conscious and with certainty, believe in your heart you handled it well. No regrets. Ofcourse, responding will risk a bad relapse and if she ends up not wanting anything, you'll be hurt again..but atleast you'll know that the letter didn't mean anything apart from her being selfish. I've been telling you to ignore all these months..but for this, I'll go ahead and greenlight it. Goodluck Edited October 12, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author django Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 @londy I know, right? I don't think I've gotten a personal letter in the mail for over five years, probably more. @preraph I think already know that she'd say she doesn't know @beachead I'm going to respond, at least that's the decision for now. I just need to think this over. She may simply be pinging me for confirmation/comfort, but this seems like more than a ping. It's baffling to hear someone say they miss you and wanted to reach out when you've felt like you've been right there the entire time. Maybe the narratives we've constucted independently are vastly different. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 Then tell her you don't want to hear from her until she does know, that her indecisiveness is painful to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I would advise you to say the same thing as Preraph advises if she does not know what she wants. Be very clear on it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I mean, if you really feel like it's something you two could work out (remember how smothered you felt -- and even now she's driving you crazy being indecisive), then you're who broke up, so you could tell her, Look, do you want to try again or not? If so, I will make an honest effort if you will and we'll talk about the issues and work on them and see how it goes. If not, I need to move on and can't do that if you're still jacking me up and being indecisive. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 OP, how is the therapy going? I think you've got a good therapist and that attachment styles are the right way forward here. Nothing changes in so short a period of time. If you get back together now, everything that already happened will repeat because neither of you have worked out your own independent issues. That's where the problems really lie. As long as you don't feel strong on your own two feet, which you don't or you wouldn't be as overwhelmed, then once the initial separation anxiety eases through reconciliation... you will feel smoothered again. Give each other space, keep going to therapy. Space doesn't have to be forever, but you need some so you can work on healing some of your own issues before this partnership has a fighting chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 (edited) @django It's baffling to hear someone say they miss you and wanted to reach out when you've felt like you've been right there the entire time. Yes..it is confusing from your position. All she has to do is tell you she wants to try again..yet that's the one thing she hasn't done, even though it's the one thing that'll solve the problem. There's a reason for it and it shouldn't be swept under a rug. Keep it in mind and address it, should you find that she's still not serious about getting back together. She needs to made aware, her indecisiveness is hurting you and it will be the reason you don't respond next time. Being dumped doesn't give her an excuse to mess with your well-being. You spent a lot of weeks, owning up to what you felt were your mistakes, asking her several times if she wanted to try again. She rejected all of it even though most of those interactions were initiated by her. Yet here she is again. So don't get too caught up in emotional fluff..figure out what this letter is really about and based on what she tells you, be direct about what you want and don't want. Edited October 13, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Some dumpees, just want the dumper to know how badly they have been damaged, to know how much they hurt, they want them to be sorry for what they did. They may not want them back, as it is often too late for that. Too much water has flowed under the bridge. To much anger, sadness and grief. Rejection is a huge thing.... Truth is. you cannot just "stab" someone and leave them bleeding out and expect them to just forgive and forget and pick up where you left off... So they want you to feel guilt, they want you "punished", they want you to regret what you did and they want you to live in torment if not "forever", then for a very long time... They want the big karma bus to hit you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author django Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 I texted her and asked what she wanted to come of the letter. She said she just felt an urge to reach out and didn't want anything in particular. I told her that she didn't need to feel bad about anything. She asked if I was okay, and I said mostly yes but some days were really hard. That was it. I'm starting to realize that she's a massive flake and I suddenly feel very silly for being upset about everything. It's so stupid. I was talking with my sister-in-law, who was very close with my ex when we were together, and she said that she doesn't want her in my life at all. It was strange to hear her say that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I was talking with my sister-in-law, who was very close with my ex when we were together, and she said that she doesn't want her in my life at all. It was strange to hear her say that. We cannot let our friends and family choose our romantic partners, and they aren't always to be trusted with their opinions on them. However, they tend to have a close enough look at our partners and don't have the same innate bias toward them that we might. In other words, friends and family can sometimes have a better, more balance view of who our romantic partners really are. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I'd politely ask her to stop contacting you, that there's nothing to be gained for either party and that you already informed her you wanted to try again and she decided to see another guy so "best of luck." Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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