I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[Beachead]

@django

 

You said you were going to go NC last week. Here you still are. You keep on responding. If you two are to talk again, it should be about getting back together. Period. There will not be any friendship here. You're not going to want anything else but a relationship so it's either a relationship or goodbye. Though you don't want to tell her that, that's basically what this ultimately comes down to. All this meeting up late at night and cuddling, and sharing feelings, and then her texting the typical "Hope you are well" bs is just meaningless. It should have led to you two getting back together but it hasn't.

 

And because you keep on responding and showing her you'll be there at her beck and call, she's starting to see she has you on demand without having to be with you in a relationship. You are devaluing yourself in her eyes. She won't consider being with you as a result. She'll just use the confidence of knowing you'll be around no matter what, to go ahead and date others.

 

Although you were the one that dumped her, you two have swapped roles in the way you're both dealing with this. You came back, she rejected you. You handed the power over to her. She knows she has it. She's working you like a dumper typically does, with meaningless messages and interactions that lead nowhere. You're being worked like a dumpee, overanalyzing and hoping that every single text or interaction might mean something..just like a dumpee does.

 

Therefore, you need to approach this like a person who was broken up with and stop responding. You told her what you want and you said what you had to say. This girl needs to figure it out alone, to sort out what's in her head. Don't be a pair of crutches for her. She isn't going to realize if she misses you or not so long as you are around.

 

It was said many times before by many people on this thread. I'm saying it again because it's worth repeating. Stop responding.

 

- Beach

Edited July 28, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

She just seems so sincere, it's hard to move away from it. I keep bargaining with myself. I need to be done, it's affecting my life.

[Beachead]

@django

 

Yes, there is sincerity and realness in her feelings, but only in that moment. When she cries or misses you, it's only for moment. Think of it as only being valid for a day. Then it expires. (It took me a very long time and a lot of heartbreak to learn this about confused girls.) There are a LOT of other feelings going on inside her all in conflict right now and while she might miss you, she may also be curious about dating someone new or being single. She may also not want you because you hurt her. While you hold onto that moment and how she felt, she's feeling something entirely different the very next day. This is part of the reason why you can't be there with her in this right now.

 

Confusion is dangerous for you and her and a possible relationship in the future because your well-being is tied to her at the moment. It means she's liable to burn you badly. Her mind is bouncing from "not being sure, to missing you to not wanting you and wanting freedom back to not being sure, to missing you etc." So long as you're hooked in, her moods, become your moods. Her confusion becomes your confusion and the longer it goes on, the more you burn out, and the more you begin to resent her. Not the best ingredients to work with if she ever decides she wants to try it again with you. You want her to be sure. Not confused.

 

She has stated she doesn't know what she wants so she knows she's confused. She's giving into weakness because you're giving into yours.

 

Regarding you..you need to step back and regain your emotional balance. Get back to a place where you feel more like yourself again because I bet right now, you don't. I bet the only thing you can think about is her at this moment. Being in limbo is making worse. Having said that, you can't rush her or force her to be with you so you have to focus on taking the necessary actions for yourself to relieve your mind. If she decides she wants to get back with you, you want to be calm, cool and collected as possible and you can't be faking it. That vibe you exude will have to come from a real place.

 

Focus on yourself to get there.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Beachead

[serial muse]

Hm. I'd suggest...that this puts a bit more responsibility on the exGF than is actually warranted.

 

I agree, django, that because you keep reopening contact, she's confused. After all, she stuck it out with you for a long time, despite her own doubts, and apparently would have continued to do so if you hadn't made the decision for her.

 

Now, you're trying to get her back, and she isn't sure of your motives. And the thing is...it's not because she's "reacting in the moment", it's because she's right.

 

You haven't really taken much time to reflect here. I appreciate that you addressed my questions in the previous post, but the next step from that is to actually try to answer them - not for me, but for yourself. You said, regarding the alcoholism (including your own, which wasn't clear before): "I don't know how to address it and how it affects my perspective on relationships."

 

I'd say that that is the thing you should be focusing on, at the moment. I don't know if this is the right person for you or not. But it certainly does seem that what's driving you most is the fear of being alone and facing your internal challenges without someone - anyone - there to provide unconditional love. If it isn't her, it'll be someone else. And you may find yourself in the exact same quagmire, just struggling alongside a different person.

 

Her uncertainty about you isn't the issue here. Certainly, it would be in her own best interest to go full no-contact at this point in time. She stayed with someone she didn't feel really loved her, and she should try to understand why rather than jumping back in with both feet just because he's wavering.

 

But that's not really your cross to bear. If she were to come on here and ask us for advice, that's what I'd tell her.

 

Instead, for you, it's worth acknowledging, not that she's being "weak", but that she simply has good reason to be uncertain, because you are too. And it's your uncertainty that you should focus on.

 

Don't misplace the anger onto her by describing her uncertainty as "weakness". Frankly, that's rather an angry way to describe someone who just got dumped. How about instead of looking for people to be angry at - and that includes yourself! - you look for ways to understand yourself better? I really, truly think therapy would be useful for you here.

Edited July 29, 2019 by serial muse

[Beachead]

@serial muse

 

Well put. I agree that she is 100% in the right for how she feels because the OP hasn't taken any kind of space at all yet, to assess himself. Who's to tell what he's really feeling. I certainly understand her side. And because he is giving into his weaknesses, he is making her weak and in turn she starts giving in, and it makes him weak. They're both leading eachother into disaster.

 

Both simply need time and space to gain clarity and that's it. Unfortunately thus far, it's the one thing neither Django and his ex have given eachother yet. Without it, she can never really trust him.

 

@django

 

Django, if your ex had come on here asking or advice, I would have advised her to be careful about your motives because you ended the relationship once before and there must have been some valid reasons for it. Sweeping it under the rug and slapping a "I was just stressed out" to it doesn't cut it. What if life gets stressful again? Furthermore, you mentioned prior to the breakup, you were afraid of being rejected by people in general so you find ways to push her away. Are you over that now or does that fear still linger in you? You'll have to conquer that demon and it'll have to be done alone.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Beachead

[Optimystic]

I really, really messed up. She was a wonderful girlfriend and I just couldn't give her what she needed. I took her for granted and did a really poor job at communicating my thoughts. I made her feel like a chore. I didn't listen properly. This sucks.

 

If you can recognize that you took her for granted, how do you think SHE feels? It's a terrible feeling, I've been on the other end of it. You'll have to really do something spectacular to make up for it, or accept the consequence. People need to feel appreciated in a relationship.. it should go both ways. Once you break trust though, it's nearly impossible to get it back. Sad reality, but that's just the way it is. Hopefully you'll learn from this experience.

[Maddie82]

Regardless of what is happening now, drunk texting and whatnot, nothing will ever be the same. The trust has been damaged and a future relationship will be tainted. It would not work. You need to put the blocks on so she cant contact you. Then move on.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Maddie82

[django]

If you can recognize that you took her for granted, how do you think SHE feels? It's a terrible feeling, I've been on the other end of it. You'll have to really do something spectacular to make up for it, or accept the consequence. People need to feel appreciated in a relationship.. it should go both ways. Once you break trust though, it's nearly impossible to get it back. Sad reality, but that's just the way it is. Hopefully you'll learn from this experience.

 

I know she felt terrible. I can only imagine how alone she must have felt sometimes, pushing closer to me for intimacy and sometimes getting nothing more than silence from me. I didn't show her how much I appreciated her while we together. I can't do anything spectacular. She doesn't want to talk to me. I can't do anything at all.

[django]

Django, if your ex had come on here asking or advice, I would have advised her to be careful about your motives because you ended the relationship once before and there must have been some valid reasons for it. Sweeping it under the rug and slapping a "I was just stressed out" to it doesn't cut it. What if life gets stressful again? Furthermore, you mentioned prior to the breakup, you were afraid of being rejected by people in general so you find ways to push her away. Are you over that now or does that fear still linger in you? You'll have to conquer that demon and it'll have to be done alone.

 

I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug, and I've been very open and honest with her about what I was feeling then and what I"m feeling now. I understand that it is a profound reversal on my part, and I understand why she might not trust me.

 

The fear of rejection is a deeply-seated one, and I don't know how to get over it.

 

I haven't heard from her since Sunday, and I can't shake this feeling that she only told she wanted to try again but needed some time so that I would disappear.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Normm]

You gotta stop beating yourself up already. Who knows, perhaps there's more to it than you even know. Maybe she wasn't all that into you and she would have ended things anyway. If she was so in love with you she'd probably be back, it happens all the time.

 

 

Either way you're never going to know for sure what could have, would have been, it's time to start moving away from the nonproductive circular thinking, and turn your focus away from her and what you might have done differently, although there are some takeways that will probably help you going forward.

[django]

Hm. I'd suggest...that this puts a bit more responsibility on the exGF than is actually warranted.

 

I agree, django, that because you keep reopening contact, she's confused. After all, she stuck it out with you for a long time, despite her own doubts, and apparently would have continued to do so if you hadn't made the decision for her......

 

I too have considered that I just needed someone around, but I don't think I'd be feeling like this if I'm truly just missing a warm girl-shaped body in my life. I agree that we cannot be in contact for now, that we're just complicit in the weakening of our wills.

 

I'd like to reconcile from a position of strength, but I've said everything I can say and now my only option is to be quiet. The only thing that can possibly fix this is silence from me. I haven't initiated contact since last week.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

The only thing that can possibly fix this is silence from me. I haven't initiated contact since last week.

 

That's right..but what if she initiates contact?

 

Keep in mind, right now, you want to get back together but she doesn't want that. "I miss you" or "I hope you are well" are attempts to soothe pain. Although they are nice to hear, they don't convey, "I want to get back together". I would ignore breadcrumbs like that.

 

Unless you two have a proper conversation about giving it a second try, I would say anything else is not worth responding to. Don't settle for friendship or being in limbo. Forward momentum is key here, even if that forward momentum means you both move forward without eachother.

 

- Beach

[django]

You gotta stop beating yourself up already. Who knows, perhaps there's more to it than you even know. Maybe she wasn't all that into you and she would have ended things anyway. If she was so in love with you she'd probably be back, it happens all the time.

 

 

Either way you're never going to know for sure what could have, would have been, it's time to start moving away from the nonproductive circular thinking, and turn your focus away from her and what you might have done differently, although there are some takeways that will probably help you going forward.

 

You're right. I made a decision that I now feel was a mistake, but it was still a mistake made out of concern for what was best for both of us, especially her. There is likely much more to this than she is telling me, and I consider it increasingly likely that her confusion has something to do with a new love interest. either way, I need to stop thinking about this and move on. I need to eat and sleep and keep going.

[Beachead]

@django

 

I need to stop thinking about this and move on. I need to eat and sleep and keep going.

 

You don't have to take on the tall task of moving on right now. That's a lot to ask of yourself. You just need to move passed it. Remind yourself that you decided what you did for a reason and you did the best you could to try and reconcile. You were who you were, you did what you did and as much as you punish yourself thinking about what you should have done, you were not that person to make that decision at that time. It was simply an outcome that was never going to happen, so there's no use in beating yourself up over it. I hope you find some kind of solace in that. Takes two to tango and if everything lines up right, things will work out just as they should. Trust in that.

 

You have a lot of pain and guilt right now and it'll take time to work through it which you will with time and distance. Once you clear that hurdle, moving on will just happen.

 

- Beach

Edited July 31, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

She texted me at 12:30 this morning wishing me luck on a job interview. I'm honestly irritated. It seems so patronizing and a little insulting. She's just 40 minutes away and this is all I get.

[Normm]

What were you expecting?

[Beachead]

She texted me at 12:30 this morning wishing me luck on a job interview. I'm honestly irritated. It seems so patronizing and a little insulting. She's just 40 minutes away and this is all I get.

 

That's a breadcrumb. She's doing girlfriend things without committing to you. If you allow her to work you like this, you're teaching her she doesn't need to be with you to have all of you. This is another indication that you two have swapped roles. Although she was dumped by you, she's functioning more like the dumper now and you're functioning like the dumpee.

 

Her confusion is now frustrating you. If you stay in contact, you're going to do something that might hurt her which you might regret. Both of you will react off of eachother's reactions and you'll both spiral the situation into a disaster. It's already going toxic.

 

So, I am really hoping you had the sense not to respond to her.

 

If you don't respond, she's going to eventually get emotional again and will try to get your attention. If this happens, you have to lay down the law. Tell her you understand that she's not sure of you. You realize you made a terrible mistake and you want to get back together but if this is how she currently feels, you can't stick around and be in limbo like this. It's hurting you. Tell her you love her and if ever decides to be with you, to let you know.

 

If several months pass by after this without you not hearing from her, you have your answer.

 

You attempted to do this once before but you killed the impact it could have had by responding to her breadcrumbs. Then she got comfortable contacting you whenever and now you're caught in this mess again and you're getting frustrated over it because you weren't being strong before.

 

Be strong now.

Edited July 31, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

 

So, I am really hoping you had the sense not to respond to her.

 

 

 

Be strong now.

 

I didn't respond. There was nothing to respond to. She's cut me out of her life and has not made any gesture to indicate she'd even be willing to speak to me. I have the feeling she's lying to me and I cannot tolerate that. This is all so incredibly painful and I don't want to feel that anymore.

[django]

What were you expecting?

 

To be communicated with like a person that shared two years with her and the person she claimed to have wanted desperately to marry. These late night texts are FWB tier at best.

[Normm]

She doesn't want to marry you anymore. Lower your expectations.

[BlondeSusane]

Just be thankful that you're able to get back together with your ex, it's too late for me......I really blew it but I'm satisfied with the relationship that I'm in now.

Edited August 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Normm]

Just be thankful that you're able to get back together with your ex

 

 

Where did you get that idea from?

[Beachead]

To be communicated with like a person that shared two years with her and the person she claimed to have wanted desperately to marry. These late night texts are FWB tier at best.

 

I can understand why you feel like that but your expectations are unreasonable. You expect her to be the same girl she was before you two broke up. Evidently, she's not and how can you expect her to be? She spent a few weeks alone, having to rethink everything you two were. She probably talked to family and friends and cried alone. It brought upon new thoughts, feelings and ideas. With that, things changed. Then you came back and sent her back to those old thoughts. Now old thoughts are conflict with new thoughts and there is a lot of hurt and confusion. She doesn't want to marry you because she's not even sure if she wants to be with you.

 

Anyway, all this drama was only caused because you two were still in contact. Now you're starting to see why you were advised to stop responding earlier. It complicates things.

 

I'm glad you ignored her message this time.

 

Just continue to do that and it will put everything back into perspective for the both of you. If she gets emotional and contacts you again, just do as I advised and be strong for her and yourself and tell her that you understand her position but you can't be around, in limbo. It'll hurt the both of you. So if she figures it out one day, to let you know.

 

That'll convey respect, re-establish boundaries and put everything back into perspective. She'll do what's best for her and you'll do what's best for you. If that leads you both back to eachother, that'll be great. But if not, you have your answer.

 

- Beach

Edited July 31, 2019 by Beachead

[serial muse]

I too have considered that I just needed someone around, but I don't think I'd be feeling like this if I'm truly just missing a warm girl-shaped body in my life. I agree that we cannot be in contact for now, that we're just complicit in the weakening of our wills.

 

I'd like to reconcile from a position of strength, but I've said everything I can say and now my only option is to be quiet. The only thing that can possibly fix this is silence from me. I haven't initiated contact since last week.

 

django, I know you're really hurting right now and going through a lot of emotions, including anger. But I just want to reiterate something - I don't think that it's actually constructive for you to frame this in your mind as being about the most effective tactics.

 

People here on LS often talk in those terms, which is understandable; it's a site for people struggling with all kinds of relationships and thereby feeling powerless and wanting to regain the upper hand.

 

I guess I'm just saying that yes, no contact is a good thing here, but not to regain the upper hand with your ex and make her miss you or whatever, so much as to simply give yourself space to think. The battle is over; this is the peace. Maybe it's an opportunity, not a punishment?

[django]

I ignored her messages until she called and asked me what was going on. I told her she wanted time and space and so I was giving that to her for the sake of both our well being. To cut this short, we've spent the last two nights together and it has been wonderful. She's very scared and skittish but she's there and we're talking a lot and being very affectionate. It's amazing and I'm absolutely beaming at the prospect of being able to get this right. At the same time, I need to be very cautious, as she still seems to be pretty erratic at times, and I still wonder if she's lied to me. There are a few things she's shared that indicate some profound instability, including informing me last night of a suicide attempt early in July. We slept together last night and there are cut marks on her hip. I told her she needs to see a therapist and find some objective source of calm in her life.

 

This has affected both of us tremendously and I'm very worried about her. I'm worried about me too.