How can I stop being so needy/pushy in relationships?

[enchanted771]

I am in panic mode now. Things start out well..I am playing it cool and everything is flowing naturally. Well, instead of being patient and letting him ask to see me, I start mentioning plans over and over making him feel pressure. So he told me to stop being pushy because last time it’s what pushed him away..I don’t blame him for feeling this way, I’m too persistent and pushy..now I already know he’s going to pull back now..so I decided best thing to do is to leave him be and not reach out for a few days.

[d0nnivain]

Stop playing it cool & start being cool.

 

Have a life outside of your SO. Ask about something once. If you don't get an answer, go out & plan it with somebody else or do it yourself if you really want to do whatever it is. Stop waiting around for a SO to live.

 

When you find yourself wanting to ask again & again. Stop. Take moment to calm yourself down. Remind yourself that being pushy isn't good. Then change directions: go for a walk, read a book, call a friend -- just be busy. In time you will feel calmer.

 

It's hard sometimes. My husband operates at a much slower pace then I do. Over the years I have learned to slow down & he has learned to speed up.

 

You can do this.

[Michelle ma Belle]

At this point, whatever your knee-jerk reaction is...do the complete opposite.

 

You need to stop giving into your panic and exercise restraint. The more you practice it, the better you'll be at it.

[enchanted771]

Stop playing it cool & start being cool.

 

Have a life outside of your SO. Ask about something once. If you don't get an answer, go out & plan it with somebody else or do it yourself if you really want to do whatever it is. Stop waiting around for a SO to live.

 

When you find yourself wanting to ask again & again. Stop. Take moment to calm yourself down. Remind yourself that being pushy isn't good. Then change directions: go for a walk, read a book, call a friend -- just be busy. In time you will feel calmer.

 

It's hard sometimes. My husband operates at a much slower pace then I do. Over the years I have learned to slow down & he has learned to speed up.

 

You can do this.

yes...it’s hard because then I start to worry when I will see him..which makes me act needy and him distance himself.

[enchanted771]

Ok so he isn’t ignoring me, but he’s pulling back. Depending on the content of my texts. If too pushy or intense he doesn’t reply. He did call me...anyways, I need to do some damage control. He doesn’t like it when I act intense it pushy..it makes him distant. Don’t blame him but what should I do now? Give him space? Stop contacting him, etc? He’s not going to want to see me now until things calm down. He doesn’t like pressure

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you stop contacting him. Go off & do fun things this weekend without him.

 

If you are connected on social media he will see you having a good time & want to be part of that.

 

Seriously do not send him anything until at least next Tuesday. You can respond if he reaches out to you but keep it short & don't ask him to meet up. Let him come to you in that way.

[enchanted771]

Yes, you stop contacting him. Go off & do fun things this weekend without him.

 

If you are connected on social media he will see you having a good time & want to be part of that.

 

Seriously do not send him anything until at least next Tuesday. You can respond if he reaches out to you but keep it short & don't ask him to meet up. Let him come to you in that way.

no social media connection. He doesn’t like it. So...

[d0nnivain]

My advice still stands. Go have a fun weekend doing things without him. Don't reach out until Tuesday.

[enchanted771]

My advice still stands. Go have a fun weekend doing things without him. Don't reach out until Tuesday.

definitely won’t...it’s obvious he wants space right now

[ExpatInItaly]

What sorts of things are you actually saying in these text messages, OP?

[basil67]

For half of the people who are accused of being pushy, there is a partner who is flaky or disinterested. Is this guy being consistent in his interest? Or is he flaky and gaslighting you because you’re confused?

[enchanted771]

For half of the people who are accused of being pushy, there is a partner who is flaky or disinterested. Is this guy being consistent in his interest? Or is he flaky and gaslighting you because you’re confused?

he was being consistent and then he pulled back..what I don’t agree with is how when he wants to relax he will ignore my texts which just makes me anxious. We’re usually texting and talking all day, then he is vague saying he is “busy”. I got to the bottom of it, but he was not being 100% honest. He could have just been honest from the beginning, and it would have saved a lot of time. I find it hard to trust a guy who gets close to you then pulls back because he’s busy..and he had plenty of time before. It makes me feel he just trying to get me hooked..

[enchanted771]

What sorts of things are you actually saying in these text messages, OP?

I was talking about making plans but I kept asking too many times.

[stillafool]

I am in panic mode now. Things start out well..I am playing it cool and everything is flowing naturally. Well, instead of being patient and letting him ask to see me, I start mentioning plans over and over making him feel pressure. So he told me to stop being pushy because last time it’s what pushed him away..I don’t blame him for feeling this way, I’m too persistent and pushy..now I already know he’s going to pull back now..so I decided best thing to do is to leave him be and not reach out for a few days.

 

Why do you do this? What are you afraid of?

[enchanted771]

Why do you do this? What are you afraid of?

to be completely honest, I am afraid of abandonment but I know it’s doing the opposite, and preventing him from getting close with me..I was being cool and things were going well. Any kind of pressure he is distant

[PRW]

what should I do now? Give him space? Stop contacting him, etc? He’s not going to want to see me now until things calm down. He doesn’t like pressure

It isn't that complex. Move at the same speed he does. React with the same intensity he does. In a way,..."pretend you are him" for a little while until you start to "get it". Use him as your "regulator".

[enchanted771]

It isn't that complex. Move at the same speed he does. React with the same intensity he does. In a way,..."pretend you are him" for a little while until you start to "get it". Use him as your "regulator".

I started that way, and things were going really good, and I fudged it up. So I have to mirror his actions.

[smackie9]

Tip: to be more desirable, is to be less available. Don't put a man up on a pedestal, and make him your whole world. If you do, you get no respect and you lose your value/self worth.

 

Go fill most of your time doing your own thing, and fit him in when you can break away from your busy schedule.....get it?

[schlumpy]

Is this characteristic of yours only active during a relationship? What about common ordinary things.

If you were cleaning the house would you obsess over details of how to clean.

 

When grocery shopping do you have trouble deciding which brand of product to purchase?

 

Does it affect your ability to drive a car? Do you quickly honk at anyone who hesitates when the light turns green. Are you a busy driver darting in and out of traffic trying to make up a few seconds of time?

 

I'm interested to know if you think this characteristic of yours is expressed in other areas of your life?

 

Best Wishes

[Gaeta]

wrong thread

Edited August 14, 2019 by Gaeta

[boymommy]

I have this exact same problem. I struggled with whether the problem was me or the guys I dated and then I read this book called “Getting to I do” by Patricia Allen. Its on amazon.com. Its about how gender roles play a part in relationships and how whether you act more feminine (like how you describe yourself at behinning of your relationship) or masculine (then switch to being pushy, asking more from your guy, thats considered a “guy thing”) it may be that you are attracting more masculine type guys who are put off by that. You have to chose what you want to be..masculine or feminine and then chose a partner based on what role you want. Otherwise if you switch back and forth you get the backlash you are getting right now.

 

I am trying to be less pushy, letting more boyfriend lead and its a little weird. It takes practice! But wow does it work! I know I dont like femine guys so if I am attracted to masculine guys then I have to let them take the lead!