Preemptively bro-zoned?

[Mwachiti]

Hi all.

 

So I met a girl a few months ago, and we got along really well right off the bat.

 

I never had any kind of feelings for her initially, but after getting to know her I have started to develop them. This has only happened in the last couple of months or so.

 

I continue to behave like how I had done initially and we still get along great like friends. We laugh a lot and there's a lot of hugging and friendly cheek kisses. We have quite a lot in common as well.

 

However in the last 3 weeks or so, she has called me her brother 2-3 times. I haven't told her about my feelings, but I guess women have an intuition for things like this right?

 

I'm wondering why she would start calling me her brother, and does this mean I have preemptively been bro zoned? Or could there be another reason why she's started calling me her brother?

 

On a side note, has anyone been able to get out of the bro zone or is that a myth certain websites will lead you to believe?

 

I should also mention that I would like to cut all contact with her because of this, but that is proving to be difficult seeing that I have a professional relationship with her as well. I think going NC would be best as I don't think I can be friends with her whilst I still have these feelings.

 

Also, I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and that her last relationship ended badly. I don't know the exact details of what happened though. However she recently mentioned that she wants to start dating again.

Edited July 12, 2019 by Mwachiti

[PRW]

I'm wondering why she would start calling me her brother, and does this mean I have preemptively been bro zoned?

Yes.

 

I never had any kind of feelings for her initially, but after getting to know her I have started to develop them.

And this is why. Whatever mold you allow yourself to be poured into is what you tend to get stuck with.

 

I should also mention that I would like to cut all contact with her because of this,

Why punish her? She didn't do anything wrong.

 

To get out of this zone you have to establish yourself as a sexual being in her eyes. It is not easy to do, and usually fails. One way is to date other women in a way that she can see it happening, but keep it more casual with them and don't let it get serious so you can back out of them later if you need to. Then if she starts to show interest you can just offer her a date just like you would any other woman and don't be apologetic about it and don't even acknowledge that you were both "friends first",...you remind her of the Friend Zone's existence and she will just put you back in it.

 

But like I said, it is prone to failure,...hard to break out of the mold.

[PRW]

her last relationship ended badly. I don't know the exact details of what happened though.

Doesn't matter squat. Don't bring it up. Don't mention it at all. If she brings it up try to smoothly get off onto another subject.

 

You could try skipping the "date others" part and just offer her a date straight up. Girls know what a date means so don't try to explain it to her. Be unapologetic about it and have the confident attitude that says, "Of course she is going to go along with it,..why wouldn't she?". If she turns you down don't try to change her mind or convince her of anything which will only make it awkward. Treat it like its no big deal (but do not actually verbally say that to her) and then date some others like I first said and see if her demeanor changes.

Edited July 12, 2019 by PRW

[Mwachiti]

Doesn't matter squat. Don't bring it up. Don't mention it at all. If she brings it up try to smoothly get off onto another subject.

 

You could try skipping the "date others" part and just offer her a date straight up. Girls know what a date means so don't try to explain it to her. Be unapologetic about it and have the confident attitude that says, "Of course she is going to go along with it,..why wouldn't she?". If she turns you down don't try to change her mind or convince her of anything which will only make it awkward. Treat it like its no big deal (but do not actually verbally say that to her) and then date some others like I first said and see if her demeanor changes.

 

 

Thank you PRW for your input. I was starting to think no one would chime in on this thread.

 

You mentioned about molds, unfortunately I met her in a professional setting first and so I was obliged to be in the friend mold so to speak. Also, at first I didn't find her attractive, it was only after getting to know her that feelings have developed.

 

I definitely don't want to punish her by going NC, but at the same time, I'm trying to look after myself. I don't know if I can continue seeing her every week with the feelings I have which are unrequited.

 

You mentioned I have to be seen as a sexual being....what do you mean by that? I've made a few jokes and innuendos about sex, but that hasn't been reciprocated so I toned it down.

[Mwachiti]

Also, I should mention that if I continue seeing her, and she starts dating other people, I would be very heartbroken. I don't think I'm at that stage yet where I would be happy seeing her date others.

[Foxhall]

Not easy buddy, once you are "bro zoned" it is hard to get out of that,

 

not impossible perhaps, but personally I have been unable to get out of it with three ladies that placed me in that category,

 

the problem is they like you, but romantically they feel there will be a slightly better option out there,

 

time and revisiting it if you are both still single after the passing of time might be an instance where it can change.

[lana-banana]

I've said this a lot, but it still applies: speaking as a woman, when you meet a new guy, it takes something less than five seconds to sort him into one of three categories:

 

Yes - when he's super hot or super cute, or the chemistry is just immediately electric and you KNOW you're feeling it. This is maybe 2% of guys you see, at least for me.

 

Maybe or ? - a guy who is reasonably attractive, but you haven't developed chemistry yet. You might not be thinking of him romantically because he's a coworker or a friend's boyfriend, or it might be that it's your first date and you're happy that he looks like his pictures but haven't made any judgments yet. After a period of time---it can be as short as one conversation or as long as months or years---quite a few Maybes become Yes's. But if they're jerks or other red flags come up, they turn into a...

 

No - You aren't attracted. You don't have any desire for the guy. The end.

 

This lady has made it painfully clear that you are in her "No" category. Anyone who was even remotely open to the possibility of thinking of you in a romantic way wouldn't repeatedly call you her brother. It doesn't matter what kind of "transformation" you go through. The odds of her ever having any romantic interest in you is zero. However, these sound like great changes to make for your own sake and I hope you keep at it. Being healthy and taking care of yourself is its own reward.

[preraph]

Okay, first of all you don't TELL people your feelings. You show them your feelings or you come off as very weak.

 

Chances are you are friendzoned forever. She likely can tell your feelings are starting to be romantic and is heading it off at the pass so you DON'T try anything.

 

If you want to see if there's any chance, do it the old fashioned way. Ask her on what is clearly a special romantic date. Ask if she'd like to go on a date with you. Say, "There is a nice romantic Italian restaurant in Uptown. I'd love to take you there. Are you free Saturday? I'll have to make reservations." That last bit is so she can't start putting you off about making a decision.

 

Be sure to use the word "romantic" so she knows this is a date. If she says yes, with no qualifications, tell her you'll pick her up. Pick her up, do all the gentlemanly things you do on a date, and kiss her when you drop her off.

 

If she waffles and won't give an answer, it's a no. Just leave it.

 

Alternatively, if you won't choke on the word "date," ask her something like, "I want to take you on a real date Saturday. Does dinner at Sussy's sound good?" And use the words "real date" so she can either accept or decline.

[Mwachiti]

Not easy buddy, once you are "bro zoned" it is hard to get out of that,

 

not impossible perhaps, but personally I have been unable to get out of it with three ladies that placed me in that category,

 

the problem is they like you, but romantically they feel there will be a slightly better option out there,

 

time and revisiting it if you are both still single after the passing of time might be an instance where it can change.

 

 

Thank you Foxhall for the response. Could you tell me what happened with the 3 ladies you tried it with? Did you know them for a long time beforehand? Was there any distance in terms of time between you and these ladies? Had you changed at all since when you tried first time and tried again?

 

Sorry if these are so many questions, I'm just curious as to what happened.

[Mwachiti]

I've said this a lot, but it still applies: speaking as a woman, when you meet a new guy, it takes something less than five seconds to sort him into one of three categories:

 

Yes - when he's super hot or super cute, or the chemistry is just immediately electric and you KNOW you're feeling it. This is maybe 2% of guys you see, at least for me.

 

Maybe or ? - a guy who is reasonably attractive, but you haven't developed chemistry yet. You might not be thinking of him romantically because he's a coworker or a friend's boyfriend, or it might be that it's your first date and you're happy that he looks like his pictures but haven't made any judgments yet. After a period of time---it can be as short as one conversation or as long as months or years---quite a few Maybes become Yes's. But if they're jerks or other red flags come up, they turn into a...

 

No - You aren't attracted. You don't have any desire for the guy. The end.

 

This lady has made it painfully clear that you are in her "No" category. Anyone who was even remotely open to the possibility of thinking of you in a romantic way wouldn't repeatedly call you her brother. It doesn't matter what kind of "transformation" you go through. The odds of her ever having any romantic interest in you is zero. However, these sound like great changes to make for your own sake and I hope you keep at it. Being healthy and taking care of yourself is its own reward.

 

Thank you Lana for your input.

 

I understand where you're coming from. If I may ask, have you ever been in a situation similar to mine? Where you have known someone for a few months and then the other person has distanced themselves and after a few months reappeared but has changed.

 

I'm just curious to know if you have been in this situation, and if the changes were drastic enough, why a no couldn't become a maybe. For example, someone who is physically out of shape with a beer belly shows up with a six pack and chiseled face. Wouldn't that perhaps change a no to a maybe?