Nagging coworker...what should I tell her?

[purplesoccer34]

I started a new job a couple months ago, but very recently, I have been assigned to work in a new office. There was a lady sitting next to me, and quite honestly she's irritated me since the moment I met her.

 

Immediately upon meeting for the first time, she asked me every single personal question possible. How much I pay for my apartment rent, what my roommates do for a living, what my parents and siblings do for a living, whether I'm in a relationship, etc. etc.

 

That last question is where I really started to lose it. I told her that I'm single and not really looking to date anyone at the moment. Instead she goes on and on about how I need to find someone asap because my "time is running out" to find a good man, how after age 30 no one will want to date me anymore, etc. etc. The crazy thing is that I'm in my late 20s and what she's saying seems absolutely bizarre to me (correct me if I'm wrong!) She lectures me on this every single day, sometimes these lectures going on for much longer than they need to. She nags me to get on dating apps, and things like that. Worst of all, she tries to set me up with my coworker whom I have no interest in. I have tried to tell her that I just got out of a relationship and just do not want to date at the moment but she persists with things like, "you're making a big mistake! one day it's going to be way too late."

 

Any time I tell her that I spent the weekend with a friend of mine, she promptly inquires as to who this "friend" is, and whether it's a guy.

 

She does try to give me unsolicited advice on other areas of my life too, but this doesn't bother me as much. For example, one time she told me not to lift heavy weights because apparently looking too bulky is not attractive. I just rolled my eyes at this one. I lift heavy weights all the time, but I'm very thin, and it would be a miracle if I ever managed to bulk up lol.

 

Basically, I don't want her advice, and I really don't want to talk to her. She's asked me to get lunch with her a few times to which I politely declined, saying I was busy with work.

 

I want to say something that will get her to stop giving me advice altogether. What should I say? Should I say something very blunt, or is it wise to be nicer about it?

[alphamale]

talk to your boss about her. but she is right about the turning 30 thing and also about the weights

[preraph]

Say, Too late? You mean too late to be happily single? Those types who want everyone in the same boat they're in really hate to hear you're happy so show her that you are undauntingly happy or she will find that little crevice and widen it.

[purplesoccer34]

Say, Too late? You mean too late to be happily single? Those types who want everyone in the same boat they're in really hate to hear you're happy so show her that you are undauntingly happy or she will find that little crevice and widen it.

 

Love this response! Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to say something that will get her to stop giving me advice altogether. What should I say? Should I say something very blunt, or is it wise to be nicer about it?

 

Would your job allow headphones or earpods? I carry a pair when I travel for deterring similarly talkative seatmates...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

She sounds annoying as hell.

 

 

BUT...She is very right about turning 30. It's a very different game for men and women. The quality of remaining single men will drop drastically. You will be seen as less desirable because of your age (regardless of how good you actually look). This is not a problem if you are happily single. But if you want marriage and children, there is less time than you think. It's awful for women. Late 20s is still OK, you will have few last chances in early 30s but after that...

 

 

BUT..It's also none of her business and is not a work appropriate conversation.

Edited July 14, 2019 by Eternal Sunshine

[Interstellar]

Since women have lower testosterone levels than men, you won’t get bulky by lifting heavy weights. You will have a sick body though, not only a sick body but a capable and confident one as well which will reflect in the way you carry yourself and your muscles. Women should be lifting more, simply because it’s fun to get stronger and more capable.

 

There is an air of truth to what your coworker is saying about finding a man before it’s too late, but when I’m out in public I only notice the physical appearance, and it’s the face I notice first then the rest of the body. I’m not thinking about her age. The signs of good health and being fit are the ones you usually notice and you’re not thinking what their age is. She can be late 30’s and look like she’s 20.

[preraph]

Not everyone is soley focused on marriage and family. There are increasing numbers who are not. It's sheer idiocy to rush into something because you are turning 30, sheer idiocy. It will happen or it won't. If it doesn't, you can still have children if you want to one way or the other. People who marry men they're really not that into are miserable. People who marry who aren't even sure marriage is right for them and do it just because it's the convention are also often miserable. Old bags butting into your business at the office deserve whatever you give them.

 

I had two young sisters when I first started an office job who were from a culture that have kids as teens, so they were about 20 and already had a houseful. One of them in particular asked me every single day why I (an older woman) didn't have kids. No explanation was good enough. Truth is I didn't want them. At first I was tiptoing and trying to be polite and just saying I had a great career. It went on for a full year and when I realized how long she'd been hounding me and trying to make me feel bad about it (which is soley to validate her own choices), I stopped giving an explanation, and simply started making a point to tell them where I was going and what I was going when I left work. I would say, "See you guys tomorrow! I think I'm going to go take a nap." "See you guys tomorrow! I think I'm going to go have lunch and go shopping. "See you guys tomorrow! I'm headed to the casino in Oklahoma. Wish me luck!"

 

These were all things they couldn't possibly just pick up and do because they worked and had a full house at home. This IMMEDIATELY stopped the "So why didn't you ever have kids" comments. Been there several years and not one more word out of those idiots. They do it for validation, to make themselves feel that they tripped into the right life, the best life. One of them (the nicer one) told me 3 years ago she wasn't having any more children, but then she got oopsed this year and had another one. Their culture doesn't believe in birth control.

 

So turn this around on the old bag. But wave her off if this prompts her to start listing her many responsibilities. Say, "I'm sorry you're stretched so thin. Gotta get back to work. I want to get out of here on time. Going out with friends."

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I bet her friends and family members say to each other all time, "Can you imagine having to share an office cubicle with her all day??" She sounds so very annoying!

[S2B]

Tell her to stay in her own lane!

 

And don’t give her anymore answers to her personal questions.

 

I’d say a standard answer to anything she asks would be “that’s private - and you shouldn’t ask!”

[Eternal Sunshine]

Not everyone is soley focused on marriage and family. There are increasing numbers who are not. It's sheer idiocy to rush into something because you are turning 30, sheer idiocy. It will happen or it won't. If it doesn't, you can still have children if you want to one way or the other. People who marry men they're really not that into are miserable. People who marry who aren't even sure marriage is right for them and do it just because it's the convention are also often miserable. Old bags butting into your business at the office deserve whatever you give them.

 

I had two young sisters when I first started an office job who were from a culture that have kids as teens, so they were about 20 and already had a houseful. One of them in particular asked me every single day why I (an older woman) didn't have kids. No explanation was good enough. Truth is I didn't want them. At first I was tiptoing and trying to be polite and just saying I had a great career. It went on for a full year and when I realized how long she'd been hounding me and trying to make me feel bad about it (which is soley to validate her own choices), I stopped giving an explanation, and simply started making a point to tell them where I was going and what I was going when I left work. I would say, "See you guys tomorrow! I think I'm going to go take a nap." "See you guys tomorrow! I think I'm going to go have lunch and go shopping. "See you guys tomorrow! I'm headed to the casino in Oklahoma. Wish me luck!"

 

These were all things they couldn't possibly just pick up and do because they worked and had a full house at home. This IMMEDIATELY stopped the "So why didn't you ever have kids" comments. Been there several years and not one more word out of those idiots. They do it for validation, to make themselves feel that they tripped into the right life, the best life. One of them (the nicer one) told me 3 years ago she wasn't having any more children, but then she got oopsed this year and had another one. Their culture doesn't believe in birth control.

 

So turn this around on the old bag. But wave her off if this prompts her to start listing her many responsibilities. Say, "I'm sorry you're stretched so thin. Gotta get back to work. I want to get out of here on time. Going out with friends."

 

 

One really positive thing for women is that they no longer need a partner to make money and they no longer need a partner to have kids. Hower some women still can never be happy without a partner. I'm just saying that if OP is one of those women, she will have much better pick of men now than 5 or 10 years later.

[preraph]

Sure, and I agree it's better to have a good partner. But no partner is better than a bad partner. So many variables. Does she choose good men who are father material? Don't know. Just saying, either a right one will come along or it won't. I don't believe it's ever good to get desperate and just grab any man who's willing. A good one will either come into her life or he won't. You can always adopt children later in life, too. I have two friends who have done that. One didn't plan on it, but she had a junkie half-sister who keeps popping out kids. But it's worked out fine so far. I hate people who have kids they can't take care of and who shouldn't have kids. That junkie has had one since then, too. She can always find a fix, but she can never find birth control apparently. I also don't think people should feel they must have kids just because others want them to. People who really want kids and know what they're getting into and can provide for them are who should have kids.

 

No one at work should be butting into her business like this. That's bullying.

[preraph]

On those two bullies at my workplace, once I realized it had been going on a whole year, if my strategy hadn't worked, yes, I would have gone to the boss and told him, Look, this has been going on a whole year.

[NomiMalone]

The lesson here is to set boundaries with nosy co-workers from the beginning - like don’t engage them in conversation regarding your private life if you get the vibe that they’ll be the annoying type, regardless of how well meaning they are.

 

Unfortunately it’ll be hard to avoid her since she sits next to you. But there are ways to let her know you’re no longer willing to discuss personal aspects of your life - cut the conversation short by saying you have to “have to reply to an email” or “have to go make a coffee”. Not the most polite thing ever, but she’s a colleague, not a friend, so you’re not obligated to be friendly to her beyond a professional level. Do it a few times and hopefully she’ll get the message. Don’t ask her questions of a similarly personal nature either.

 

I have one of those ladies at my office too, and I, like you, felt pressured to respond to these personal questions on my first week at the job. On my 4th day she asked me my age, and whether I was married. When I said I wasn’t, a look of pity filled her face and she started to say, “Oh I’m sorry, I thought - “. I interrupted to say I had to grab a file from the printer. It made me wish I’d set boundaries sooner.

 

Happy to make some small talk about my personal life with some colleagues, but not others.

 

The CEO at my office strictly does not give a single detail about his private life at all to staff. He does it in such a way that doesn’t make you feel snubbed, by chatting about the football or about business news.

[purplesoccer34]

She sounds annoying as hell.

 

 

BUT...She is very right about turning 30. It's a very different game for men and women. The quality of remaining single men will drop drastically. You will be seen as less desirable because of your age (regardless of how good you actually look). This is not a problem if you are happily single. But if you want marriage and children, there is less time than you think. It's awful for women. Late 20s is still OK, you will have few last chances in early 30s but after that...

 

 

BUT..It's also none of her business and is not a work appropriate conversation.

 

I guess I am a little bit worried about the turning 30 thing, because I do eventually want to start a family. I have even had thoughts about getting back together with my ex (who is a perfectly good man, and who does want to get married), but who doesn't interest me anymore. I've got people telling me all the time that now is the time to get into a serious relationship, and that if I wait a couple more years, I'll have missed my chance. I'm feeling the pressure. I wish I didn't though--there is a whole lot more to life than marriage and kids.

[purplesoccer34]

Sure, and I agree it's better to have a good partner. But no partner is better than a bad partner. So many variables. Does she choose good men who are father material? Don't know. Just saying, either a right one will come along or it won't. I don't believe it's ever good to get desperate and just grab any man who's willing. A good one will either come into her life or he won't. You can always adopt children later in life, too. I have two friends who have done that. One didn't plan on it, but she had a junkie half-sister who keeps popping out kids. But it's worked out fine so far. I hate people who have kids they can't take care of and who shouldn't have kids. That junkie has had one since then, too. She can always find a fix, but she can never find birth control apparently. I also don't think people should feel they must have kids just because others want them to. People who really want kids and know what they're getting into and can provide for them are who should have kids.

 

No one at work should be butting into her business like this. That's bullying.

 

I agree, it's important to wait for the right person.

[preraph]

People who try to panic you into motherhood/marriage are thinking mainly of themselves.