Why?

[samjam7]

Hi guys!

I came on this forum two months back for some comfort and needless to say everyone was extremely helpful.

After that deathly phase, I was finally able to stay no contact for 2 months.

I was in an on/off relationship for 2 years. It was toxic and extremely push/pull kind of situation. I did break up at first but my ex-bf would get me back giving me hopes of future. Finally, when I started to trust him and fall for him he would start pulling away.

 

Whenever I asked him questions about future he would blatantly say 'I don't know' and say 'I don't know' but he loves me and if I stay with him he would fight for us.

 

At the end of the relationship, he put all the blame on me and conveniently left.

 

Why does it happen that a person for whom you forgot your self-respect and waited do not even think you are worthy of getting dumped in person?

 

He broke up with me numerous times and every time over text. It still feels like a sharp pain every time I think that someone is so delusional that they live with the misconception that I am the villain for basic fights.

 

Why do things have to be so easy for some people and so hard on people like me?

 

Did anyone break up with someone over text? Why did you do it? Especially if it was LTR.

 

It hurts me to think that he still has the power to haunt my mind and hurt me so much. His memories and his unfair actions keep looping in my mind. The actions which I easily forgave while I was in the relationship.

 

I am finding it hard to forgive myself and him. I don't think this level of unfairness deserves forgiveness. He is out there living his life after breaking up with a girl he was in a relationship with for 2 years.

 

 

Sorry if my post sounds redundant, I am in deep pain. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I don't I will be ever to love again because I have been so traumatized in the name of "love".

 

I just don't think there is any hope for me and I will be lonely forever after this because I can not love and trust anyone after getting humiliated by someone I truly loved and cared for.

 

I was so insignificant that he would text me about breakups?

 

Problem is I am not good at dealing with anger. Anger is my weakness and whenever I feel extreme anger I am tempted to text him about how pathetic he is. But I can't give up! I just wonder when will my misery end.

 

Is there any hope for me? When will this trauma end? After 2 months? 3 months? 2 years? Or Never?

[ScaryPanda]

Hey you, were you dating my ex?!

 

Your situation literally sounds the same as mine was. The cowardly dumpings, uncertainty, no security. It's horrible and many wonder "Why wouldn't you just leave". It's addicting in a sick way, isn't it?

 

This is a blessing in disguise, trust me. He is someone else's problem now, not yours. You're free to just live for yourself now and become the best person you can be. You will never understand why he did what he did, I'd be concerned if you did.

 

You get a very important lesson out of this. Fact is, he didn't just manipulate and gaslight you, you also enabled that behavior. I bet your self-esteem is completely out the door right now and the disrespect + uncertainty make it very difficult to let go, hence your painful anger. Counselling would be great for you, and have you blocked and deleted him from everywhere?

 

My ex grew up without a father, he only had an abusive mother and sister. I don't hate him anymore, he is a broken person and will probably always be just that. I haven't talked to him in months, although I still think about him and just wish him well. Grasp the grief, let yourself feel it and start letting go. Be grateful for having learned to never let anyone put you down like this again.

 

Chin up now!

[MINAKO]

Ohhh gosh. Reading this excited me because it was exactly my situation a few years back. I thought I would never be okay ever again, but I am absolutely over that time, that person, everything, all of it!

 

My relationship lasted a few years as well, was toxic and on and off because he always got cold and would say "I don't know if I can do this" - nonsense like that, and would break up, and yes, always over text, like a real coward. He would basically ditch me. And I would feel "pain pings" I called them, like, those sharp pains you describe. I would feel them shoot through my stomach and nerves. Literally the worst feeling, in my experience.

 

Anyway, I always lowered my self worth for him. Basically begging him to stay and hoping and crying alone all the time, while in the meantime, he was living his life and not really caring one bit. I am not sure if they are sociopaths or just people with a lot more growing up to do, but it is definitely not normal, compassionate human behaviour. I know it sucks to be that person who is feeling every painful emotion on a very extreme level, knowing the other is more or less just fine. I struggle with that question too, BUT, do not spend too much time with those kinds of thoughts, as there is no comforting answer. Just know that you are not alone at all with those things. Your memories and sentiments will remain with you until time blurs them, which it 100% will, trust me on that. For me, it took about a year to feel normal again, and not much longer to absolutely feel nothing for him at all, on any level. To put into perspective, he came crawling back to me and though the old me would have been extremely happy, no, the new me did not even want that anymore. Crazy! My feelings were long gone, forever.

 

And the biggest lesson I learned? That I was wrong, that he is not the only human on this earth for me and I would not die alone without him. I ended up meeting an amazing person later on, someone I never could have even imagined liking me. Afterwards, I started to believe I used to be insane to have loved someone like the old ex. Even if you do not believe me, just know that you will absolutely meet someone so much better. This guy you were with is trash, and it is not hard to be better than that - plenty of better people, just takes time to heal first, okay? Give this one whole year. And let me remind you - you think you will be alone, right? But guess what? Being with a jerk like that, speaking from experience, you already know how lonely you were even when you were with him, dealing with all of his nonsense and all of that pain. There was never true love because love never hurts. Loneliness and being treated badly does.

 

You are not insignificant at all. He just lacks compassion and basic human decency. Aaaand the best part of it all, I would like to mention that I used to get very, extremely angry and wanted to explode. I used to hate that about me, but over time I have learned than my anger actually protects me. Anger in these situations is when you have just had enough, and your entire existence is screaming at the world because you know were wronged and betrayed. When you are that angry, you feel like texting him that he is pathetic! Do not do that, but think about it. Your anger is your mind being very sharp and wanting the best for you - it is reminding you that he is the one who is pathetic/insignificant, not you. After all of these years, I learned that I would much rather be angry any day, than sad as hell. The more angry I get at certain situations, the more I realize how ridiculous the other person was and the easier it is to heal. When you are down and depressive, the mind naturally tend to think that we are the ones who are worthless. But it is not true. Anger is always true colors, remember that. Your anger will never lie to you.

 

You will be completely okay, I promise you. Back then, I wanted to die and seriously was at my lowest point. I cannot even believe that I am not only completely fine, but much, much better than ever before when I was with him. He apologizes to me sometimes and wants to give it another chance, but my heart has long closed that chapter, like I mention. One year, girl. In the mean time, do your best to find an interest to keep yourself busy while you heal (movies, art, writing, whatever). Also, if you can, screenshot every single time he broke up with you on text. Trust me. With time, the more you look back at them, the more you realize how cruel he was and the faster you will get over him and lose these remaining painful feelings. And if you can, when you get really angry, type out your angry thoughts somewhere because again, anger is the blunt truth. Writing out how he is terrible and everything will get a lot of this weight off your shoulders, and again, reading it back will open your eyes more each time.

 

Day by day, you will become whole again. Feels like it will never happen, but just watch. I hope any of these things help - I wish you the best and again, you will be just fine.

 

/Oh and quick note, lover the above poster's reply. Hope it is reassuring to know that you are never the only one to feel like this. Like the rest, you will totally get over this too with time.

Edited July 12, 2019 by MINAKO

[ScaryPanda]

@MINAKO, it's fascinating how we just stay in "it" for so long, I was stuck for half a decade! I had nothing to go on but still!

 

There will be no real closure, no real excuses, absolutely nothing. They often come back so beware, OP. They will not be different, just save yourself the pain. We loved them dearly, that's all we could've done. Maybe that warmed their hearts just a little bit

 

You did well, OP!

[MINAKO]

@MINAKO, it's fascinating how we just stay in "it" for so long, I was stuck for half a decade! I had nothing to go on but still!

 

There will be no real closure, no real excuses, absolutely nothing. They often come back so beware, OP. They will not be different, just save yourself the pain. We loved them dearly, that's all we could've done. Maybe that warmed their hearts just a little bit

 

You did well, OP!

 

Could not have said it better myself! It is incredible what people will put themselves through just to be loved. But now that we are out of those terrible situation, it is easy to realize that it was never real love we were getting from those terrible “lovers” - so glad to be away from that disaster. And I am so proud of you for walking away after half a decade. Thank goodness you gave yourself another chance.

[elaine567]

You showed him over and over again that you were a doormat, so it is no surprise he wiped his feet on you.

 

If you decide to love someone, then make sure that person deserves your love...

 

On/off, push/pull needs addressed at the beginning by walking away, it is never healthy and is always damaging to mental health.

[samjam7]

Hey you, were you dating my ex?!

 

Your situation literally sounds the same as mine was. The cowardly dumpings, uncertainty, no security. It's horrible and many wonder "Why wouldn't you just leave". It's addicting in a sick way, isn't it?

 

This is a blessing in disguise, trust me. He is someone else's problem now, not yours. You're free to just live for yourself now and become the best person you can be. You will never understand why he did what he did, I'd be concerned if you did.

 

You get a very important lesson out of this. Fact is, he didn't just manipulate and gaslight you, you also enabled that behavior. I bet your self-esteem is completely out the door right now and the disrespect + uncertainty make it very difficult to let go, hence your painful anger. Counselling would be great for you, and have you blocked and deleted him from everywhere?

 

My ex grew up without a father, he only had an abusive mother and sister. I don't hate him anymore, he is a broken person and will probably always be just that. I haven't talked to him in months, although I still think about him and just wish him well. Grasp the grief, let yourself feel it and start letting go. Be grateful for having learned to never let anyone put you down like this again.

 

Chin up now!

 

It is not easy to leave because they always keep coming back with fake promises.

Yes, I have deleted him. But it is tough to say who would put you down like that and who would not. It is funny how while breaking up over text he told me things like "i dodged a bullet". He was completely insaneeee. Those words still echo in my head. How can a person's face fluctuate that much?

 

And thank you so much for sharing your story

[samjam7]

Ohhh gosh. Reading this excited me because it was exactly my situation a few years back. I thought I would never be okay ever again, but I am absolutely over that time, that person, everything, all of it!

 

My relationship lasted a few years as well, was toxic and on and off because he always got cold and would say "I don't know if I can do this" - nonsense like that, and would break up, and yes, always over text, like a real coward. He would basically ditch me. And I would feel "pain pings" I called them, like, those sharp pains you describe. I would feel them shoot through my stomach and nerves. Literally the worst feeling, in my experience.

 

Anyway, I always lowered my self worth for him. Basically begging him to stay and hoping and crying alone all the time, while in the meantime, he was living his life and not really caring one bit. I am not sure if they are sociopaths or just people with a lot more growing up to do, but it is definitely not normal, compassionate human behaviour. I know it sucks to be that person who is feeling every painful emotion on a very extreme level, knowing the other is more or less just fine. I struggle with that question too, BUT, do not spend too much time with those kinds of thoughts, as there is no comforting answer. Just know that you are not alone at all with those things. Your memories and sentiments will remain with you until time blurs them, which it 100% will, trust me on that. For me, it took about a year to feel normal again, and not much longer to absolutely feel nothing for him at all, on any level. To put into perspective, he came crawling back to me and though the old me would have been extremely happy, no, the new me did not even want that anymore. Crazy! My feelings were long gone, forever.

 

And the biggest lesson I learned? That I was wrong, that he is not the only human on this earth for me and I would not die alone without him. I ended up meeting an amazing person later on, someone I never could have even imagined liking me. Afterwards, I started to believe I used to be insane to have loved someone like the old ex. Even if you do not believe me, just know that you will absolutely meet someone so much better. This guy you were with is trash, and it is not hard to be better than that - plenty of better people, just takes time to heal first, okay? Give this one whole year. And let me remind you - you think you will be alone, right? But guess what? Being with a jerk like that, speaking from experience, you already know how lonely you were even when you were with him, dealing with all of his nonsense and all of that pain. There was never true love because love never hurts. Loneliness and being treated badly does.

 

You are not insignificant at all. He just lacks compassion and basic human decency. Aaaand the best part of it all, I would like to mention that I used to get very, extremely angry and wanted to explode. I used to hate that about me, but over time I have learned than my anger actually protects me. Anger in these situations is when you have just had enough, and your entire existence is screaming at the world because you know were wronged and betrayed. When you are that angry, you feel like texting him that he is pathetic! Do not do that, but think about it. Your anger is your mind being very sharp and wanting the best for you - it is reminding you that he is the one who is pathetic/insignificant, not you. After all of these years, I learned that I would much rather be angry any day, than sad as hell. The more angry I get at certain situations, the more I realize how ridiculous the other person was and the easier it is to heal. When you are down and depressive, the mind naturally tend to think that we are the ones who are worthless. But it is not true. Anger is always true colors, remember that. Your anger will never lie to you.

 

You will be completely okay, I promise you. Back then, I wanted to die and seriously was at my lowest point. I cannot even believe that I am not only completely fine, but much, much better than ever before when I was with him. He apologizes to me sometimes and wants to give it another chance, but my heart has long closed that chapter, like I mention. One year, girl. In the mean time, do your best to find an interest to keep yourself busy while you heal (movies, art, writing, whatever). Also, if you can, screenshot every single time he broke up with you on text. Trust me. With time, the more you look back at them, the more you realize how cruel he was and the faster you will get over him and lose these remaining painful feelings. And if you can, when you get really angry, type out your angry thoughts somewhere because again, anger is the blunt truth. Writing out how he is terrible and everything will get a lot of this weight off your shoulders, and again, reading it back will open your eyes more each time.

 

Day by day, you will become whole again. Feels like it will never happen, but just watch. I hope any of these things help - I wish you the best and again, you will be just fine.

 

/Oh and quick note, lover the above poster's reply. Hope it is reassuring to know that you are never the only one to feel like this. Like the rest, you will totally get over this too with time.

 

Omg! This is exactly my story.

Thank you so much! You are so strong to have come out of this situation.

 

What I don't understand is if they are sociopaths then why did they shower us with so much attention in the first place?

 

I just feel like he needs to know how pathetic of a person he is but I know I should not be texting him and giving him an upper hand. That I was just used by him for an ego boost and when the real deal came he backed off saying it's all my fault for the fights.

 

I can not believe someone can end things that bad. I honestly just want to cuss him out. The thing is I just want to be indifferent to him. I am not enjoying this much anger and hatred. It is awesome and smart how you used the anger to your advantage.

[samjam7]

@elaine567 But how can decide to love someone? To be honest with you when I started dating him I wasn't that serious and I could see all the red flags in his personality. I do not know when he broke the ice and isolated me from everything and everyone. That is when I fell deeply in love and when I realized it, it was too late. I was already his slave and he gave the impression of reciprocating the feelings. Clearly not! He came back 100 times to fix issues.

 

I honestly don't know how I can be that stupid. I just hope I can make smarter choices in future

[elaine567]

Love is a choice.

"We can't help who we fall in love with" is a myth and a lie.

[samjam7]

^^

You are right. It took me a while to understand his real face and I still struggle to accept it at a times. Don't know how far the day is when I will be over all this nonsense.

 

I am petrified of relationships now. I don't think I can handle another failed relationship. The problem is even if you give your best you never know what's going on within the other person.

[preraph]

I don't know why you think this is about you. This is only about you in that you don't believe him when he tells you he has no idea what he's doing. He is in no way ready to commit to a relationship. He doesn't know what he wants. He's good with the status quo as long as the status quo (you) can shut up and just go along with his loose program.

 

All people are not relationship-ready for something long-term. Everyone is not potentially someone you can win long-term. Some people are ready after a few years; some people are never ready. There's no point in trying to push someone to commit anyway because they will just cheat on you even if they marry you to shut you up or to keep some other guy from getting you.

 

Every man is not a potential husband. You can't turn men into princes either. When a relationship is unbalanced, get out of it! It's wasted time.

[samjam7]

@preraph I know! He simply was not ready and looking back I can now understand it. However, during the relationship, it was he who gave me hopes of the future.

 

Even the day before he broke up with me over text he mentioned honeymoon, fiance, engagement and what not. I have so much grudge against this individual for conducting things that way.

 

This is exactly why I am so traumatized. I feel betrayed, stupid and I am scared this will happen in the future again because you never know how a person will turn out to be.

 

After 1.5 months of NC, he unblocked me on every platform of social media and sent some messages on Instagram which he unsent later. My friend told me he wants me to reach out for ego-boost and to see if he has any relevance in my life anymore.

 

I trusted him so much. I just feel like he exploited me sexually and to experience a relationship without facing actual challenges that come in a relationship. I hate myself and I hate him!

 

I know this probably sounds horribly immature but seriously he deserves some sort of divine tough lesson for what he put me through.

[MINAKO]

Sadly, we can never exactly know why people like this shower love in the first place - maybe for them it was a time waster, an addiction, or maybe they just cannot bring themself to feel real emotion. It really is unbelievable that people like this roam around the world and are completely fine with their behaviour.

 

Do your best to never feed his ego again by not making him important enough to message. Let him become nothing to you with time. He will never be worth your energy.

[preraph]

[it certainly can happen again because a whole lot of men would be happier just having a woman around for 6 and maybe companionship without any sort of commitment.

 

you are putting too much stock in what men say and not enough and what they do. They all know what to say to keep a woman on the string for their convenience. so you just pay attention to what they do and also what kind of ethics they have with other people and their employer and all that sort of thing because that will tell you if they're a good person or not.

[samjam7]

He seemed fine with other people but not when it came to me.

 

What I learned was there are people who you can die for but even then they would not care and will only be selfish.

[Inspire]

@elaine567 But how can decide to love someone? To be honest with you when I started dating him I wasn't that serious and I could see all the red flags in his personality.

 

At some point, you must give your trust to someone and what they decide to do with it is in their hands. What you need to do is see if their actions match their words and when you see a red flag you just don't look the other way.

 

He waved his flags showed you his colors and you just ignored the signs. The trauma begins to end when you start to remind yourself that he isn't worth another minute of your time, love or affections. He was someone you couldn't trust, but you can't fault others for actions they haven't taken against you.

[samjam7]

@Inspire thank you so much. It's so hard being the receiving end of the breakup and breakup that was so cruel. I know he has shown his true colors. But what about the memories? They come back to haunt me.

 

I can't forget anything. I just feel like living this life has become a punishment. The person you loved so much thinking you are not worth it. How does one deal with things like that?

[samjam7]

Nothing feels good! Today I stayed the whole day busy hanging out with my girlfriend. She ended up taking me to the same hookah place I went with my ex. Suddenly all those memories came flooding back and I had come and sob.

 

It sucks that you love someone so much but they never realized it. You know you have to stop loving them in order to move on but it is not in your power.

[Inspire]

Avoid the things that are familiar with your relationship, places, music, movies, shows, etc. It really does help in the healing process. Try to focus on the person he was and not the person you thought he was. You have to start thinking of him without rose-tinted glasses.

[samjam7]

^^

Thank you! I will try

[MINAKO]

Nothing feels good! Today I stayed the whole day busy hanging out with my girlfriend. She ended up taking me to the same hookah place I went with my ex. Suddenly all those memories came flooding back and I had come and sob.

 

I feel you, girl. Not too long ago, I went biking to relieve some stress from missing someone so much. I completely accidentally ended up by the ocean in the same spot where I was with that person for the last time. Except this time I was of course there alone. I think my heart cracked... I think these kinds of memories will always end up ruining some good times until we are actually healed. Sending you good vibes <3

[Silver_star]

I feel for you. I understand the feelings you are going through.

I went on a roadtrip to see a friend this weekend, and I passed all of the lakes and campgrounds that I had tons of memories with my ex at. Some of those memories made me smile, and some of it made me sad because he is just gone now, poof, no longer in my life...so we need to grieve the loss. I don't think it is fair to avoid all the places in which you had memories with your ex, some of those places brought you happiness and joy. Don't let him take that away. I think you should go back to those places and create new memories in those places without him. Go with friends, go by yourself. You can't stop living your life.

 

I think you need to forgive yourself for falling in love with this person who hurt you in the end. It's not your fault. If you do that you can let go of anger too, and that is truly moving on...like you said you want indifference, or even just being at peace with the past.

There is some power in anger, you can use it to fuel your empowerment to let go of him, and understand that he wasn't the right person for you because of his bad qualities and not to look back, but there is harm in keeping that anger and becoming bitter about the past, because I am sure there were memories that were wonderful and times that made you feel deeply and grow,and that is a gift too. Don't let him affect your ability to trust and love next time.

 

Just take things one day at a time.

[samjam7]

@MINAKO How long has your breakup been? Thank you so much. I think what helps is the thought that we are not alone fighting these battles. Many girls go through these phases. I really hope this suffering can cause us some good in the end. Getting dumped brings out so many feels, its a blow at your self-esteem and you either feel extreme anger at the level of unfairness or you feel pity for yourself. One gives away everything and loves with all their heart yet it isn't enough. I feel anger that why didn't he understand. Betrayal stings! I hate myself at a times for being led on and giving away all my power. It is not just a fight against him but also a fight against a part of me that wants to hold onto him.

 

@Silver_star Woah! That's such a great idea. My ex graduated and left the college but I am still working towards my graduate degree in the same college. So it is even harder for me. Every building we went to together and had memories. Your idea is good in the sense that instead of fighting with past memories it is better to create new and better ones. In the process of loving someone, I forgot myself. It is all-consuming and it is like common sense has left my body. Sometimes I wonder if our dynamic was so toxic then how did I love him so much. Right now is it love or just an unhealthy attachment?

 

I have to face the fact that he won't come back. It has been on/off so many times that I still find myself hoping that it will change.

[MINAKO]

You are welcome! It has been well over a year for me but in that example I was speaking of someone recently. I completely agree with you, I know how terrible those feelings are. However, you will, just like myself and many other, overcome this. In the end, we have to be strong until we learn to ride the waves, instead of letting them overtake us again and again. Take care, okay!