To all the unmatchables...

[mr_ybor]

Are there no meetup groups you could join in your city?

 

Not really anything I'm interested in that any single girls would be also interested in as well.

 

I'm a passionate rock/electronic musician and I've gone to a music creators meetup a few times here, but it kinda sucks all around. Young women hate music creators apparently.

 

 

 

I thought that'd be cool and I'd meet some like-minded girls, but I guess we're all losers, I guess.

 

 

I've spent a sum total zero dollars on online dating. I've heard nothing from anyone to encourage me to do so. Some acquaintances, though, have said stuff like Tinder is great, however. Like there's a bevy of women to meet. It's not been my experience, however. I don't quite "get it" I guess.

Edited August 24, 2019 by mr_ybor

[an0nym0us123]

Do you get matches on tinder? Or just not turning them into dates?

[mr_ybor]

Do you get matches on tinder? Or just not turning them into dates?

 

 

Absolutely zero matches.

[Rayce]

Forget OLD... I say you should work on your cold approach.

[nospam99]

^^^ I don't remember if my personal cold approach concerns have been discussed elsewhere. But since the idea came up here ...

 

How important is it to only cold approach people who are unattached?

 

If it's important (IMHO it IS), how can you tell if someone is unattached? Wedding ring? Any ring on the wedding finger? Simply cruise a bar on a Friday night and assume everyone else is there for the same reason?

 

Is it important to avoid a 'reputation' as in 'oh, that's the old dude who comes in here on Fridays trying to pick up women'?

[Rayce]

Thank you nospam… I wish guys would use it more and it doesn't have to happen at a bar. I don't do bars but I am out and about shopping or dinning or some other activity. I would say no ring is a good sign. I don't wear any jewelry most of the time... sometimes I wear my moms ring but usually on my right hand when I do.

[nospam99]

Hmmm - not a cold approach tactic, but something I've been considering ...

 

I have an interest in ballroom dancing. There are a couple of dance studios nearby that have regularly scheduled group lessons and dance parties. I wonder if attending group lessons somewhat regularly might be an effective way to 'meet women'.

 

On the one hand, I'd expect it to be more likely that single women interested in meeting men would go to group dance lessons than to a meetup. (Note: the local weekend dance meetups have almost become extinct. There was a '[Name of Local County] County Singles' meetup that predated meetup.com by several years. It recently died of lack of interest and had very low participation for years before its death.)

 

On the other hand, I've been to group lessons and dance parties at dance studios off and on over the years. Unfortunately, almost all of the females fall into three categories:

- high schoolers who want to dance and can't get the high school boys interested. I have to plead guilty because you couldn't get me to dance when I was in high school. In any case, these 'children' are 'too young for me'.

- women who are there with their SOs. Many couples are learning to dance for their own wedding or a friend's or are continuing after the wedding because they enjoy the activity. Attached AND too young for me.

- seniors, including widows, who don't pass my looks filter. Many of them are notorious back-leaders.

 

Nevertheless something to do on Fridays when the weather turns and I'm not spending as much weekly chore time in the yard.

[an0nym0us123]

Absolutely zero matches.

 

I can see why you would be disheartened, I get matches, not huge amounts, maybe 2 or 3 a day. Sounds okay but out of hundreds I've nothing much to show for it. Got to date 4 with one I really liked before I got the chop. Only a handful of other first dates that led no where. I think for a guy you need to to be very good looking to get anywhere with it

[preraph]

Instead of just going to music meetings, you need to get out in public and play gigs. Just about any musician can attract some women if they play in public. Get a gig.

[mark clemson]

Is your personality genuinely conducive to forming a relationship with a woman?

 

Putting people on guilt trips for inscrutable reasons doesn't go over so great when you hardly know someone.

 

Who doesn't care? Us?

 

Yep. You.

 

 

 

You sound smart and like an alternative thinker. Nothing wrong with that. However, not everyone has the luxury of "being themselves" and also being in a relationship. Certainly not everyone has the same view you do.

 

You didn't make the rules of the game, but you are stuck playing it whether you want to be or not. Most women worth having in a large urban area will have a good number of men to choose from if they have strong social skills and aren't overly fussy. There's nothing wrong with waiting for the "right" girl to come along, but if seven years have passed without one, you might want to seriously consider what you need to change if you really want to make this happen.

[chillii]

l'd get rid of that tone you seem to have about you , humble down a bit.

l can read people like a book and know what most are gonna think say or reply before they even say it , but so what. Took me a long time to realize that any attitude or smarts didn't go down well in life especially with women , there's a lot of women that could do to learn that too.

Anyway, many things changed later on for the better and l started really enjoying people too and them me , once l realized this sorta stuff. Very few people are my people, but in the end l finally realized again , so what , lf l'm open to them they're open to me even when you both know it's only some casual encounter and nothing more , same goes for women, and that starts to flow through into life in general and to when someone that really matters to you does come along later, like some chick you like.

 

Also find it weird someone doing gigs doesn't meet people l mean most would dream of an environment like that . But you might also be coming across all wrong in that sort of situation too.Just a thought.

Edited August 25, 2019 by chillii

[mr_ybor]

Instead of just going to music meetings, you need to get out in public and play gigs. Just about any musician can attract some women if they play in public. Get a gig.

 

I don't understand. What do you mean? Get a gig?

 

There's nothing wrong with waiting for the "right" girl to come along, but if seven years have passed without one, you might want to seriously consider what you need to change if you really want to make this happen.

 

I guess... but I can't think of anything I would change that would make me a better person than what I am now. What's left to change at this point?

 

Is your personality genuinely conducive to forming a relationship with a woman?

 

Well, since I've had several medium-to-long term relationships in the past (including two that lasted well over half a decade), I'd say absolutely!

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[nospam99]

Thank you nospam… I wish guys would use it more and it doesn't have to happen at a bar. I don't do bars but I am out and about shopping or dinning or some other activity. I would say no ring is a good sign. I don't wear any jewelry most of the time... sometimes I wear my moms ring but usually on my right hand when I do.

 

Not sure what the thanks is for ... but, you're welcome.

 

The problem I'd have cold approaching a woman shopping (see them all the time) or dining or 'some other activity' is that an assumption of 'unattached' is nowhere near as easy to make as if they were encountered in a bar. Shopping, unless a woman initiates a conversation, my assumption is they're there to shop, same as me, not to meet a guy.

 

Interestingly, at the market I do my weekly food shopping, the deli counter staff and cashiers know me so well that they talk with me in ways that, were they not doing their jobs, could easily be considered flirting. The men working at the store do it, too, supporting an assumption that these people are all just doing their jobs and probably appreciate small talk with familiar customers as a way to break up the monotony.

[basil67]

No spam, why would you be more likely to think that a woman in a bar is unattached? We married girls have girls nights out at bars with zero intention of talking to boys. It’s simply about dressing up, the drinks and fun night.

 

That said, you’re exactly right that if I’m out shopping, then I’m just there to shop. I know what you mean about flirting service staff - butchers are great at it. It’s like it’s part of the training.

Edited August 25, 2019 by basil67

[elaine567]

Interestingly, at the market I do my weekly food shopping, the deli counter staff and cashiers know me so well that they talk with me in ways that, were they not doing their jobs, could easily be considered flirting. The men working at the store do it, too, supporting an assumption that these people are all just doing their jobs and probably appreciate small talk with familiar customers as a way to break up the monotony.

...and they want you to come back, that is part of their job, keeping the regulars happy.

Chatting to the friendly ones and leaving the standoffish alone.

[Rayce]

Have you ever had a spontaneous conversation with someone? That is what I am talking about. I chat with people all the time when I am out and about. Shopping and such. Maybe I am just too friendly... I don't know... I don't do bars and I don't do churches so I am not sure where I should be meeting people at... It's very depressing.

[nospam99]

^^^ Assuming the question is directed at me, no spontaneous conversations. I was bullied as a child enough to build some walls. So I'm very uncomfortable with making the cold approach and also maybe give off an aloof, 'don't talk to me' vibe. What gets me around that is having learned to leverage social situations to start 'non-spontaneous' conversations: school (in its day), work, parties, church (in its day), other parents when both our kids were at an event (in its day), and any time someone else breaks the ice first. FWIW I also have no trouble sending unsolicited OLD messages and continue to get 25%+ responses.

[mark clemson]

Well, since I've had several medium-to-long term relationships in the past (including two that lasted well over half a decade), I'd say absolutely!

 

Fair enough. What's different now that wasn't true then?

 

Maybe the women are looking for something else? At a certain point in 20's and 30's people's thoughts tend to turn towards longer term relationships/marriage and kids. Maybe you're not perceived as potential Dad material but that's being looked for (by the women) as well?

[preraph]

Gig = get a job playing your music in public. You know, either solo or a band.

[mr_ybor]

I can't play "solo", that's not really the style of music I do. And I've been trying to find band members. That's almost as hard meeting women, maybe harder. The amounts of flaking out and not following up with the musician crowd is epic.

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[mr_ybor]

Fair enough. What's different now that wasn't true then?

 

Maybe the women are looking for something else? At a certain point in 20's and 30's people's thoughts tend to turn towards longer term relationships/marriage and kids. Maybe you're not perceived as potential Dad material but that's being looked for (by the women) as well?

 

I don't know what could be different. ¯\(°_o)/¯ If we're talking about life changes, my dating lull hit right after I got my last professional position in Arizona. It wasn't like an all-consuming vampire of a job, though, nor am working there anymore (though I'm still doing professional work, just in a contract capacity). I figure being gainfully employed as a positive, not a negative.

 

As for relationships, I've always been about long term relationships, even in my twenties. Dating around was necessary but not anything I particularly enjoyed. Finding someone compatible and setting into an LTR has always been what's worked for me. I can't think of anything that would be putting off that vibe, and would make me sound like I'm not LTR-minded, or would be a bad Dad or whatever.

 

Maybe I'm not spelling that out well enough. I mean, I don't want to come across at impatient or desperate, but also not too murky about the type of relationship I'd like, as I know I'm having to stand out from all the players and time-wasters that seem to be out there. Anyone here with some decent writing prose is free to write that part of my profile.

Edited August 25, 2019 by mr_ybor

[LauraXX]

I'd love to see your profile Mr Ybor. It seems so strange that you're not getting matches.

[elaine567]

...my dating lull hit right after I got my last professional position in Arizona.

 

Was that 7 years ago?

If so you were 35, am I right?

You changed from being in the early thirties group to the late thirties group.

It may be relevant.

[mr_ybor]

I'd love to see your profile Mr Ybor. It seems so strange that you're not getting matches.

 

I dunno. I'm kinda over profile reviews. I've had quite a few of them over the years from Reddit, PoF, OkC, and whatnot. I feel like I'm simply inept at applying any 'good advice' that I might have gotten Trust me, I've tried.

 

I also kinda feel like it's more-or-less impossible to get advice on conveying oneself from random strangers on the internet that don't really know you. Like I've mentioned previously, if anyone wants to take a shot at writing the syntax for me, feel more than free to try... I'm down to go along with that.

[normal person]

Was that 7 years ago?

If so you were 35, am I right?

You changed from being in the early thirties group to the late thirties group.

It may be relevant.

 

Yeah, I'd say that's relevant. For some reason I figured OP was in his 20s. If he's 42, then most likely his problem is that most women are married at his age, and even the next two age brackets down. It's hard to date when there's little available.