To all the unmatchables...

[mr_ybor]

Yeah, I'd say that's relevant. For some reason I figured OP was in his 20s.

 

You and everyone else I meet. Nah, that's not true, every other person thinks I'm in my early 30s these days.

 

If he's 42, then most likely his problem is that most women are married at his age, and even the next two age brackets down. It's hard to date when there's little available.

 

You're obviously not up on the statistics on marriage in the United States in the present day. People are getting married later and later. From a bit above my age bracket and just down from there, between those never wed and those divorced (which is only a fraction... plus widowers, a tiny fraction) there's still some ~40% of the population that are single, and that number starts to ramp up even more as you get down into the mid-30s and below.

 

I mean who ARE all these women on dating sites that haven't married up yet? Heck, I don't even come across many divorced women though I'd be open to that. 'Little available'

 

I mean, what do you want me to do, lie about it? Really, I could give two effs about my age. What am I going to do about it? I just go about my life based on where I'm at in it, have fun, and work on the stuff I've got control over.

[normal person]

 

 

You're obviously not up on the statistics on marriage in the United States in the present day. People are getting married later and later. From a bit above my age bracket and just down from there, between those never wed and those divorced (which is only a fraction... plus widowers, a tiny fraction) there's still some ~40% of the population that are single, and that number starts to ramp up even more as you get down into the mid-30s and below.

 

I'm aware of the marriage statistics. You're looking at things relatively; just because there are more single people at your age than there used to be doesn't mean that that the stats are now favorable. They're just less bad than they were some time ago, and what does that matter with your relation to the situation now? If 20 years ago 100% of people were married by 30, would that make a difference here in 2019? No, you'd still have this problem. They're still less than ideal circumstances. You're still only looking at a dramatically reduced dating pool. Then consider the remaining 40% you're left with. Why aren't they married? I understand women putting off marriage for a bit for careers and what have you, but you've got to think even those women will get married and have kids before their biological window closes. There's a variety of reasons. And I would imagine the most desirable probably aren't holding out looking for Mr. Right into their 40s.

 

 

I mean who ARE all these women on dating sites that haven't married up yet? Heck, I don't even come across many divorced women though I'd be open to that. 'Little available'

 

Well, who are they? What are they like? Are they your type? What's stopping you from meeting them?

 

I mean, what do you want me to do, lie about it? Really, I could give two effs about my age. What am I going to do about it? I just go about my life based on where I'm at in it, have fun, and work on the stuff I've got control over.

 

That's great. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with your age, but your circumstances as a 42 year old are dramatically different from that of a 24 year old. You're calling yourself "unmatchable" when in reality, I'm sure you're a very nice, appealing guy without many prospects to no fault of his own. I mean, why do you think you're in this situation? Do you really think you're undesirable, or do you just think there's a noticeable decline in the lack of options for someone your age? Or some combination of the two?

 

If you're not having luck, why not try a different area? I think you said you've bought a Lotus and some other exotic cars if I remember, so I can't imagine money is an issue for you. Why not expand your search to some bigger cities?

[SumGuy]

...

That's great. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with your age, but your circumstances as a 42 year old are dramatically different from that of a 24 year old. You're calling yourself "unmatchable" when in reality, I'm sure you're a very nice, appealing guy without many prospects to no fault of his own. I mean, why do you think you're in this situation? Do you really think you're undesirable, or do you just think there's a noticeable decline in the lack of options for someone your age? Or some combination of the two?

 

If you're not having luck, why not try a different area? I think you said you've bought a Lotus and some other exotic cars if I remember, so I can't imagine money is an issue for you. Why not expand your search to some bigger cities?

 

 

Mr Ybor, I thought you were younger too. Makes the whole ybor scene take on a different tone as it seems very much a 20 something young 30's scene.

 

 

I'd reiterate that your location may be a part of it. Up north here a bit it is really rare for me to see a profile of a 40+ woman who is not divorced. Now if on the younger side they almost certainly have kids that live at home part time, on the older side (50) the kids are likely in college. Around mid to late 30's get a mix of no kids (likely looking for them) or divorced quickly (young kids).

If women with kids at home sometimes is off the table, then yes you are at a very hard age to meet someone under 50.

Your also going to need to be financially stable for almost anyone at your age, even if she in in her 20's.

[ZA Dater]

If you're not having luck, why not try a different area?

 

I have sometimes wondered about this, if one isn't finding luck in one area is it possible another area would yield better results?

 

However, the definition of better results would be different because a holiday romance isn't really sustainable it would more be a good experience. From time to time I do wonder if my chipped accent would and being from Africa make me more "interesting" to people in NYC, Laguna Beach and Stockholm.

 

Could it be that maybe just maybe a change of place would yield a change of "results".

[chillii]

Yep it very well just might , one of a few reasons l've been suggesting it to you 6mths.

[normal person]

I have sometimes wondered about this, if one isn't finding luck in one area is it possible another area would yield better results?

 

I'd imagine it's a case by case sort of thing. To me, it seems like OP's only issues are circumstantial in that he's at the age where there aren't many single people in a city that isn't very large. If he was somewhere else with a bigger population, he'd be more likely to find someone whose parameters he fit and vice versa.

 

To those who don't have any luck where they are because the issues are a little "deeper," I don't think the ultimate answer is just a change of scenery as those issues probably aren't going to disappear in a foreign land.

 

However, the definition of better results would be different because a holiday romance isn't really sustainable it would more be a good experience. From time to time I do wonder if my chipped accent would and being from Africa make me more "interesting" to people in NYC, Laguna Beach and Stockholm.

 

I can't speak for the Swedes, but American girls, being geographically isolated from a large portion of the rest of the world, will fawn over an exotic accent like you wouldn't believe, it's their weakness. Don't expect them to recognize the accent, you'll probably get plenty of people asking if you're Irish or Australian, but it will be a foot in the door in America like no other. In New York, foreigners are common, but with the amount of people here you wouldn't have to walk to far out of the hotel for someone to find your accent exotic and charming. I'd imagine the smaller city or town you go to, the more appealing and interesting it will sound. I read an article a few years ago about English guys traveling to small college towns in the US to essentially just pick up American women who were powerless after hearing their accents.

 

 

Could it be that maybe just maybe a change of place would yield a change of "results".

 

Just keep in mind it's probably not much more than a foot in the door. Once the novelty of it wears off, you'll still have to form a connection with the person.

 

But if you've got the money, why not try?

Edited September 5, 2019 by normal person

[mr_ybor]

I'd imagine it's a case by case sort of thing. To me, it seems like OP's only issues are circumstantial in that he's at the age where there aren't many single people in a city that isn't very large.

 

The metro I live in is roughly 3 million people. The last area I was in was over 5 million.

 

Why are you all thinking I live in some small town?

[Veronica73]

I have a hard time understanding why you aren’t having more luck. Maybe your photos suck? I mean, you get hit on in real life, so I’d imagine you’re physically attractive. But maybe you aren’t photogenic? I do believe that is a thing. Some people just don’t photograph well.

[chillii]

The metro I live in is roughly 3 million people. The last area I was in was over 5 million.

 

Why are you all thinking I live in some small town?

 

 

 

 

l'm pretty amazed that wouldn't be obvious to you.

[Blanco]

But maybe you aren’t photogenic? I do believe that is a thing. Some people just don’t photograph well.

 

I feel attacked!

[mr_ybor]

If 20 years ago 100% of people were married by 30, would that make a difference here in 2019?

 

Umm... yes. Absolutely. That's a HUGE swath of the population. That's 1.2 million people just in the greater T.B. area.

 

No, you'd still have this problem. They're still less than ideal circumstances. You're still only looking at a dramatically reduced dating pool.

 

It's orders of magnitudes larger than the 18-25 "ideal" dating pool in middle sized and small towns across America... simply by living in decent sized metro.

 

Dude, you're making it sound like crazed odds. It's just not. "Only forty percent!" (and that's if I'm only looking right in my age bracket, which I'm not), "Woe is me." Think of it this way: A measly 4.5% of the population identify as LGBT (at any age) and they're not all even looking for each other (men looking for men, women looking for women, and it only gets more granular from there) and most of them do fine. They date. They have sex. They find partners. They get married (now that they can). You really need to calm down with only 40% of the population being tragic odds.

 

Then consider the remaining 40% you're left with. Why aren't they married? I understand women putting off marriage for a bit for careers and what have you, but you've got to think even those women will get married and have kids before their biological window closes. There's a variety of reasons. And I would imagine the most desirable probably aren't holding out looking for Mr. Right into their 40s.

 

Not really. That's just right in the bubble floating around my age, +/- a few years. If I move down the age bracket more towards, say mid-30s, that number goes up dramatically, and then keeps ramping up below that.

 

Well, who are they? What are they like? Are they your type? What's stopping you from meeting them?

What's stopping me from meeting with them? They're not matching with me. :-|

 

If you're not having luck, why not try a different area? I think you said you've bought a Lotus and some other exotic cars if I remember, so I can't imagine money is an issue for you. Why not expand your search to some bigger cities?

 

I don't know if I mentioned something that made you think I lived in an unpopulated area. I don't. I live at the heart of Tampa Bay. It's around 3 million in the metro... and I AM trying a different area. This is the "trying a new place". I just moved here just under a year-and-a-half ago. I came here from Phoenix (~5 million) which I left for a number of reasons, one of them being that it just was impossible to meet anyone there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a hard time understanding why you aren’t having more luck. Maybe your photos suck? I mean, you get hit on in real life, so I’d imagine you’re physically attractive. But maybe you aren’t photogenic? I do believe that is a thing. Some people just don’t photograph well.

 

Could be, I dunno. I don't think I'm particularly unphotogenic. I take a lot of pics when I do, and pick through them and any taken by others and try and showcase the best. There's nothing blurry or poorly cropped or anything like that. No shirtless mirror selfies, no fishing pics, none of that. You'd think I'd eventually get a few good ones on going after ~8 or whatever years of doing this app dating thing.

 

For instance, I've got what I think is a pretty damn good action photo of me sport sailing that my buddy took from the jib (I was on the tiller). My brother's wife saw it and was like, "Wow, THAT'S the pic you need to use on your dating profiles. You'll rake in the ladies like crazy!". Of course, in practice, that's not been the case at all. If you want to see it and judge for yourself, PM me and I send you a link.

Edited September 7, 2019 by mr_ybor

[normal person]

The metro I live in is roughly 3 million people. The last area I was in was over 5 million.

 

Why are you all thinking I live in some small town?

 

I know how many people live in Tampa. While it might not be "small" by your standards, what I'm saying is that it's still not populous enough for you find what you're looking for given your circumstances, as evidenced by the fact that you're in this position and unsure why. I'm saying that being older and there being less options for you anywhere you go, you might as well go where you have the best shot, or at least a better one.

 

Umm... yes. Absolutely. That's a HUGE swath of the population. That's 1.2 million people just in the greater T.B. area.

 

You're missing the point. You were trying to use an increasing single population as justification for your current situation to be ideal, when it's still not. I'm saying it doesn't matter how much better it is than it used to be if it's still not advantageous enough for you to solve your problem. Let's say you were 500 lbs and had a horrible odor that wouldn't go away no matter how much you tried. But eventually, you lost the 500 lbs. Well, great -- but you'd still smell horrible. You wouldn't then think your fortunes with women would change, would you? Just because things are "getting better" doesn't mean they are now advantageous as they're still a ways from improving to the point where it will make a difference; you still smell awful. You're looking at things through a relative scope. You can quote all the historical population data you want, you're still in the same situation. "Better than it used to be" is irrelevant in the present day if your issue is still unresolved.

 

 

It's orders of magnitudes larger than the 18-25 "ideal" dating pool in middle sized and small towns across America... simply by living in decent sized metro.

 

Ignoring the fact that it's exponentially much more "ideal" to date at 18-25 than at 42 in most places, what does that matter at all to you here in this situation? They aren't the ones complaining. I don't understand why you're so transfixed on this relativism. If your situation is so advantageous, what's the problem?

 

 

Dude, you're making it sound like crazed odds. It's just not. "Only forty percent!" (and that's if I'm only looking right in my age bracket, which I'm not),

 

But you also assume everyone outside your age bracket that you're looking at is also looking at yours, and that they don't have additional parameters, which is quite a stretch. Let's think about these "crazed" odds:

 

Roughly 3.15 million people in the Tampa metro. Roughly 1.575 million women. Roughly 8% of them fall into the ~30-40 age range, bringing us to 126,000. 50% of those are married by 35-40 (close to 60% if you include divorce) so let's say you're left with a conservative 63,000. (http://worldpopulationreview.com/us-cities/tampa-population/).

 

For the sake of argument, let's be generous and assume ALL these 63,000 women are straight, don't have boyfriends, and are looking for relationships (highly unlikely). Do you have preferences, like say, health or weight? 35% of those remaining are obese. You're at 41,000 if you eliminate them. Do you have any other preferences, like, say, personality, looks, career, etc? I don't know how picky you are with your selection process, but let's say a very liberal 10% of those remaining women meet your criteria, you're at 4100. Now we also have to consider how many of those women have criteria that you meet, let's say 20%. So for the women you like, 820 like you back. That's roughly your potential dating pool.

 

Doesn't sound so bad, right? Now consider how many of them you'll actually encounter. You use OLD if I recall. Well, only 40% of Americans do (https://www.eharmony.com/online-dating-statistics/), so let's adjust for singles and be generous and say you're likely to encounter ~60% of these women on there. That's less than 500, assuming they actively use the ap and are searching, aren't dating other people, trying to get over a previous break up, whatever, etc. The other 300 you'll actually have to cross paths with by chance, and that isn't particularly likely even if you always hang out in Ybor or Harborside or wherever people in Tampa go these days. Tampa's pretty hot, most people drive everywhere, right? Well all that time in your car is isolated and not conducive to crossing paths. Compounding that is the fact that Tampa is not particularly dense, so lots of places are only accessible by car and making them more isolated and inconvenient to get to and from, making it even less likely to cross paths with these people.

 

So basically you have 500 people on the aps that could be a good fit -- assuming the aps are working for you, and if they aren't, that's a different discussion. So it looks like they aren't due to the fact that you made this post, so you're left with roughly 300 people over the entire sprawling Tampa metro who you basically have to hope and pray you step into the same room at the same time with, impress, exchange numbers with, follow up with, and continue to impress. That's not likely to happen that easily. You could likely go out every night for a month and not run into one.

 

So even if there are "more single people than there used to be," and even if Tampa is "big," maybe things aren't that simple and the odds still aren't so favorable. Feel free to correct me if I missed something.

 

"Woe is me." Think of it this way: A measly 4.5% of the population identify as LGBT (at any age) and they're not all even looking for each other (men looking for men, women looking for women, and it only gets more granular from there) and most of them do fine. They date. They have sex. They find partners. They get married (now that they can). You really need to calm down with only 40% of the population being tragic odds.

 

Even if you could extrapolate the same results ("most of them do fine") to this situation, which seems overly simplistic, what point are you trying to make? That the odds are in your favor? If so, then what exactly do you think your problem is? What happens with the women you do meet? What am I missing? I'm doing some elementary crunching of the numbers because it seems like on a first glance, you're a nice guy who just can't meet many women because of a variety of demographic factors above. You're trying to say there are plenty of people and that those things aren't an issue. So what do you think the issue is? You? Them? I'm on your team here. If there are plenty of women, what do you think is stopping you from dating them if not all that?

 

 

 

 

What's stopping me from meeting with them? They're not matching with me. :-|

 

What do you think the reasons are? What happens with the women you meet in real life?

 

I don't know if I mentioned something that made you think I lived in an unpopulated area. I don't. I live at the heart of Tampa Bay. It's around 3 million in the metro... and I AM trying a different area.

 

I'm aware. Tampa is not a big city, and it's not dense. The more people and the more density, the better your odds. 3 Million in the metro, roughly 10 or 11% of that in Tampa proper. I was being generous earlier -- so if you want to narrow down my earlier figures to one more relevant to "the heart of Tampa," multiply the numbers by .1, and you're left with a potential 50 good matches online and 30 offline.

 

This is the "trying a new place". I just moved here just under a year-and-a-half ago. I came here from Phoenix (~5 million) which I left for a number of reasons,

 

What I meant was try a new place that'd be better, not worse. Higher population and/or density cities. Even Miami would be probably be better. To move somewhere smaller might be to imply that you think the issue was largely cultural, ("Phoenix girls are awful, Tampa girls are better"). I wouldn't be so quick to make the assumption. Anyways, maybe you're right in a way, if you have this problem everywhere you go, maybe the issue isn't just demographics. Although I'm not saying you should rule it out yet.

 

one of them being that it just was impossible to meet anyone there.

 

How so?

 

For instance, I've got what I think is a pretty damn good action photo of me sport sailing that my buddy took from the jib (I was on the tiller). My brother's wife saw it and was like, "Wow, THAT'S the pic you need to use on your dating profiles. You'll rake in the ladies like crazy!". Of course, in practice, that's not been the case at all.

 

Have you met her single friends? Has she expressed interest in you meeting them? If so, what happened, if not, why not?

 

If you want to see it and judge for yourself, PM me and I send you a link.

 

I believe you. I'm just not convinced this complex issue is that simple. If there is some other issue preventing you from having a relationship, I still don't think your demographics are helping much.

Edited September 9, 2019 by normal person

[ZA Dater]

I had a thought yesterday while walking on the beach: none of us are truly unmatchable but for a lot of us we don't like who we match with. The way I see this is so much of how we are as people is how we think, when you speak you present thoughts, how those thoughts are presented is either appealing to the person or not.

 

 

OLD can hide a lot of things, its possible to have great conversation with someone on OLD but it falls to pieces in person because there is body language to texting.

[basil67]

ZA, you just nailed it. Though I would add that there are some who have thoughts which others find really unappealing too.

[mr_ybor]

Holy crap, Normal Person... you got some serious free time on your hands to wear out your keyboard. Not normal at all, haha! Maybe now's the time to start that novel of yours.

 

But you also assume everyone outside your age bracket that you're looking at is also looking at yours, and that they don't have additional parameters, which is quite a stretch. Let's think about these "crazed" odds:

 

Roughly 3.15 million people in the Tampa metro. Roughly 1.575 million women. Roughly 8% of them fall into the ~30-40 age range, bringing us to 126,000. 50% of those are married by 35-40 (close to 60% if you include divorce) so let's say you're left with a conservative 6̶3̶,̶0̶0̶0̶ (75,600... unlike you, I don't think divorced/widowed people are undatable) (http://worldpopulationreview.com/us-cities/tampa-population/).

 

For the sake of argument, let's be generous and assume ALL these women are straight, don't have boyfriends, and are looking for relationships (highly unlikely). [sNIP: numbers that reduce my odds to laughable minimums based on huge assumptions about my preferences and no real statistical data]

 

Doesn't sound so bad, right? Now consider how many of them you'll actually encounter. You use OLD if I recall. Well, only 40% of Americans do (https://www.eharmony.com/online-dating-statistics/), so let's adjust for singles and be generous and say you're likely to encounter ~60% of these women on there. That's l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶5̶0̶0̶ ~30,240 assuming they actively use the ap and are searching, aren't dating other people, trying to get over a previous break up, whatever, etc. The other [sNIP: see above snip] you'll actually have to cross paths with by chance, and that isn't particularly likely even if you always hang out in Ybor or H̶a̶r̶b̶o̶r̶s̶i̶d̶e̶ Channelside or wherever people in Tampa go these days. Tampa's pretty hot, most people drive everywhere, right? Well all that time in your car is isolated and not conducive to crossing paths. Compounding that is the fact that Tampa is not particularly dense, so lots of places are only accessible by car and making them more isolated and inconvenient to get to and from, making it even less likely to cross paths with these people.

[sNIP: again, see first snip]

 

You've got some interesting musings going on there, but I'm still going to disagree with you wholeheartedly. Problem with your logic is that it can be applied pretty much universally to any city anywhere in the U.S. (we'll stick with the U.S. for discussion's sake), no matter the size of it. Aside from some extreme situations like Anchorage, which has a highly disproportionate M:F ratio, or NYC (though I think this one is greatly exaggerated as an "issue" for women) where people find it difficult to travel longer distances to date, and a higher concentration of gay men supposedly throw things off, only X-number of people are actually going to be single and available... that's across all groups. That's a constant, regardless... and thus, dating apps: A place where you go where (presumably) most women are single.

 

I mean, you could write anything about it and justify it both ways just with the numbers. One could say, "All these people are in relationships, so your odds are bad.", or you could say, "All these people found relationships, so your odds are good." They found someone, after all. Again, fact is, only so many people are single at any point in time, at any age, anywhere. Sure, lots of people coupled, and people married... but people come in-and-out of relationships, get back on the market, go back off it. It's a cycle. Just about everyone is available at some point in time, multiple times in their respective lives.

 

So, what has changed is the number of people choosing to settle down later + the number of people willing to just get a divorce if things aren't working out + the number of people choosing to forgo marriage altogether. More people are single now than ever before, and the shuffle is more of a frequent churn. Heck, I'm one of them, helping the odds for single women out there right now (you gotta swipe me right first, though).

 

I've gotta come back to the LGBTQ number. Most people I know in that demographic are coupled up, or at a minimum, dating someone. That's the norm there too... but the lot of them that are coupled found someone because they (like just about everyone who wasn't part of an arranged child marriage in a religion where they can never divorce) were single at some point in their life, even if it was three weeks ago. If my odds are as hopeless as you crunch them, I shiver that any LBGTQ person asks you about dating advice.

 

You also don't seem to know much about Tampa. While chunks of the burbs are sprawled out (particularly on the peninsula and as you head north), the parts of town where people go to go out (and a number of them to be single and mingle) are extremely navigable. Parking is relatively easy, abundant, and cheap for those areas where you need to drive into, and places like downtown St. Pete, downtown Clearwater, SoHo, and in particular: the chain of areas running on the TECO Line from here in Ybor City, through Channelside & Amalie, over to the Riverwalk never require you getting in a car if you live around here (I can go weeks without starting my car if I wanted to). There's even more free street transportation into downtown and Hyde Park if you look for it... not to mention we live in a generation that ride shares everywhere too.

 

As for the sprawl factor? I've dated in a sprawl. Phoenix is one of the worst in the country. People would drive their cars into the grocery store and down the aisles if they could. People adjust to it though. You can't have expectations NOT to drive to meet and date people. Everyone just rolls with it. Back in PHX, I lived in Ahwatukee when my last girlfriend lived way out in Mesa. Had ones that lived even further out into Gilbert, almost to A.J., all the way up in Paradise Valley, Scottsdale, and two that were way, way in north Phoenix. Same here, I'd drive over to Largo or Safety Harbor or something to date someone. It's not a big deal if it's not rush hour and the bridges aren't slammed. Traffic around the metro isn't like S.F., Seattle, or even Portland most of the time.

 

Finally: Tampa isn't "hot" (Phoenix is hot , and neither are hot all year long) unless you're a snowbelter that couldn't live anywhere in the bottom half of the country... it's sunny and awesome to the locals. People love to get out here. It's why it's a vacation destination. We have some of the best and most accessible beaches in the country and scads of outdoor urban activities on the regular. If anything, the rain/thunderstorms are more of a deterrent to get out than anything because places like Ybor City and downtown St. Pete are so walkable (people do bring umbrellas, however). It's only part of the year where it's like that, though.

 

You're missing the point. You were trying to use an increasing single population as justification for your current situation to be ideal, when it's still not. I'm saying it doesn't matter how much better it is than it used to be if it's still not advantageous enough for you to solve your problem. Let's say you were 500 lbs and had a horrible odor that wouldn't go away no matter how much you tried. But eventually, you lost the 500 lbs. Well, great -- but you'd still smell horrible.

 

Yeah, I'm not 500 lbs and I don't smell horrible... I'm 160 lbs and I smell great. Would the latter even matter online, though? You can't smell a profile.

 

Ignoring the fact that it's exponentially much more "ideal" to date at 18-25 than at 42 in most places, what does that matter at all to you here in this situation? They aren't the ones complaining. I don't understand why you're so transfixed on this relativism. If your situation is so advantageous, what's the problem?

 

I'm not getting any matches. Dunno how many times I've got to write that. It's in the title of the thread.

 

So even if there are "more single people than there used to be," and even if Tampa is "big," maybe things aren't that simple and the odds still aren't so favorable. Feel free to correct me if I missed something.

 

That the odds are in your favor? If so, then what exactly do you think your problem is? What happens with the women you do meet? What am I missing? I'm doing some elementary crunching of the numbers because it seems like on a first glance, you're a nice guy who just can't meet many women because of a variety of demographic factors above. You're trying to say there are plenty of people and that those things aren't an issue. So what do you think the issue is? You? Them? I'm on your team here. If there are plenty of women, what do you think is stopping you from dating them if not all that?

 

What do you think the reasons are? What happens with the women you meet in real life?

 

I haven't pursued them. ¯\(°_o)/¯ Found reasons/made excuses (however one might look at it) to not to be more aggressive when meeting them, not calling when I've gotten a number, and so on. That's on me. That doesn't mean the options aren't there. :-|

 

A bit of it might be me being a somewhat picky, a bit is surely some trepidation about certain things, some of it surely a bit of confusion about why anyone is so interested in me to begin with... after all, no one seems interested on the dating apps. Learned helplessness or some similar psych, I guess. You'd have to look at each individual opportunity, I suppose. In any case, not what this thread is about.

 

I'm aware. Tampa is not a big city, and it's not dense. The more people and the more density, the better your odds. 3 Million in the metro, roughly 10 or 11% of that in Tampa proper. I was being generous earlier -- so if you want to narrow down my earlier figures to one more relevant to "the heart of Tampa," multiply the numbers by .1, and you're left with a potential 50 good matches online and 30 offline.

 

I have no understating what .1 is and where you're even getting it from, or why anything needs to be in the heart of anything. Again, Tampa's a pretty decent sized city. It's not L.A. or NYC or Chicago big, but it's not Rochester or Billings or Flagstaff small, either. It's in the middle and pretty typical for a metro here in the U.S. There's a lot of people here. I mean, what's the logic here? You gotta move to Tokyo or Mexico City to have a normal dating life?

 

I know how many people live in Tampa. While it might not be "small" by your standards, what I'm saying is that it's still not populous enough for you find what you're looking for given your circumstances, as evidenced by the fact that you're in this position and unsure why. I'm saying that being older and there being less options for you anywhere you go, you might as well go where you have the best shot, or at least a better one.

 

What I meant was try a new place that'd be better, not worse. Higher population and/or density cities. Even Miami would be probably be better. To move somewhere smaller might be to imply that you think the issue was largely cultural, ("Phoenix girls are awful, Tampa girls are better"). I wouldn't be so quick to make the assumption. Anyways, maybe you're right in a way, if you have this problem everywhere you go, maybe the issue isn't just demographics. Although I'm not saying you should rule it out yet.

 

I said no such thing. You're maybe not reading my comments here. I've met far, far, far more interested women since I moved to Tampa than I ever did in my last stint Phoenix! More in the last three months than the last four years there, which amounted to almost zero. It's WAY better here. No question. I had three hit on me just in the last friggen' week. I only went out twice.

 

I'm fairly confident I'll almost certainly meet someone here soon here. I don't have any doubts of that. That's not what this thread is about, though.

 

As for Miami, I seriously looked at it, but I don't think it would have been better. The scene there is way more focused on night clubs, trendy fashion, expensive cars, projecting wealth, DJs/EDM and hip hop (and not quirky, all-inclusive alternative hop hop like Minneapolis), reggaeton and Spanish stuff... while the more alternative, underground, pub-going rock/metal/beardo/hipster, & general live music side of things I fit into is really limited there. Bigger city, yes, but culturally, way less compatible. Even Orlando, who is having an influx of "hipsters" at the moment, is more along my line of things. Miamians, correct me if I'm off-base here.

 

How so?

 

I dunno. Phoenix is kinda clean-cut and jock-y in general, especially the burbs... and I'm more decidedly artsy or "alternative" or whatever you want to call it. I'm not allowed to be compatible with that type of woman, I guess, even though I keep an open mind. It didn't used to be that hard to date there. When I first lived out there, there was a pretty damn good scene, and I never had much trouble meeting interested female parties. It was more-or-less gone when I moved back after living in Portland for six years, though. Things did start to bounce back a bit with a hipper crowd moving into downtown, and RoRo in particular, the last few years I was there... maybe it would gotten easier if I moved over to that part of town, but I already committed to leaving. I wanted to live in a place with a better music scene and access to the ocean anyway.

 

Have you met her single friends? Has she expressed interest in you meeting them? If so, what happened, if not, why not?

 

They all live in Denver, Colorado, with a few in Phoenix, Arizona. My brother and his wife live in Denver. I do not. I honestly don't know who and how many of her friends are single. They're not in my part of the world, either way.

 

I believe you. I'm just not convinced this complex issue is that simple. If there is some other issue preventing you from having a relationship, I still don't think your demographics are helping much.

 

Again, one last time: This is not about issues preventing me from having a relationship. It's about being unmatchable in online dating.

 

Frankly, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, other than discourage me absolutely from perusing meeting anyone to date at all?

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[basil67]

Heaps of people are unmatchable in OLD. Those people need to get out and meet people the old fashioned way.

[mr_ybor]

Heaps of people are unmatchable in OLD. Those people need to get out and meet people the old fashioned way.

 

Like I said, I got the old fashioned way under control, and I'm not even usually trying. Don't need advice under that column.

 

My proverbial panties are in a bunch about not getting any interest online. My analytical brain & my ego brain don't like the dichotomy that's going on...

Edited September 11, 2019 by mr_ybor

[normal person]

Problem with your logic is that it can be applied pretty much universally to any city anywhere in the U.S. (we'll stick with the U.S. for discussion's sake), no matter the size of it.

 

That still doesn't mean it's not applicable to people who have issues with this sort of thing -- perhaps that's not you if you insist, but having a wide application doesn't mean it's not still valid. There are plenty of people who have these kinds of issues, I'd theorize my reasoning isn't totally erroneous to all of them, if not you. But anyone else is welcome to tell me why I'm wrong, I'm happy to learn.

 

 

I'm not getting any matches. Dunno how many times I've got to write that. It's in the title of the thread.

 

Fine, my guesses are that you could be too far out of the age range for most people who use aps, and I'd also guess that there's a big decline in usership for people in your age group to begin with.

 

 

I haven't pursued them. ¯\(°_o)/¯ Found reasons/made excuses (however one might look at it) to not to be more aggressive when meeting them, not calling when I've gotten a number, and so on. That's on me. That doesn't mean the options aren't there. :-|

 

It sounds like this the issue you should be tackling. You eschew every woman you meet in real life and wonder why you can't make it work online? I don't get it. Is your goal just to meet someone, or to meet someone only online?

 

A bit of it might be me being a somewhat picky, a bit is surely some trepidation about certain things, some of it surely a bit of confusion about why anyone is so interested in me to begin with... after all, no one seems interested on the dating apps. Learned helplessness or some similar psych, I guess. You'd have to look at each individual opportunity, I suppose. In any case, not what this thread is about.

 

It sounds more than relevant, but I'm not a psychologist.

 

I said no such thing. You're maybe not reading my comments here. I've met far, far, far more interested women since I moved to Tampa than I ever did in my last stint Phoenix! More in the last three months than the last four years there, which amounted to almost zero. It's WAY better here. No question. I had three hit on me just in the last friggen' week. I only went out twice.

 

I'm fairly confident I'll almost certainly meet someone here soon here. I don't have any doubts of that. That's not what this thread is about, though.

 

So what does any of this online matching matter anyways? Why do you care if no one matches with you on Tinder if you're already overwhelmed with women and bound to meet one you like soon?

 

 

Frankly, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, other than discourage me absolutely from perusing meeting anyone to date at all?

 

My point was that you seemingly have demographics that aren't helping you find someone. If you disagree, that's fine.

 

If your issue is simply that you don't match with anyone on Tinder, well that seems like a very specific and insignificant problem seeing as how you have no issue meeting people in real life, I'm not sure anyone here can give you a concrete answer, but I've given my guesses.

 

If your issue is that you're unhappy with your dating life overall, why not try dating someone you're interested from the pool of women you've met in person? If something's stopping you from doing that, you need to find out what the issue is (you're not likely to figure out on a message board), and address it.

[mr_ybor]

So what does any of this online matching matter anyways? Why do you care if no one matches with you on Tinder if you're already overwhelmed with women and bound to meet one you like soon?

 

Hmmm... I guess you could say it's because I'm somewhat competitive... well, "competitive" probably isn't the right word as I'm not trying to "beat" other people, or "win" opportunities with women. I just like to figure out and succeed at things I put my mind to. It's no different than learning a recipe, skill, or new instrument. I don't like failure and I don't like not being good enough. It's about being smart enough and good enough do what I believe I can do.

 

Honestly, there's only so much time I'm going to throw at a low R.O.I. endeavor, however. I'm at, or around, the limit dating apps as it is. Some people say it works great, but until they can impart what breeds efficacy onto me, I'm not taking too much time out of my life to run in circles.

[mr_ybor]

OLD in the USA is a game that is rigged in favor of women, and the handful of men they actually bother to talk to online. For the 80% or so of men that do not do well online, you are all better off giving up on it altogether. I did.

 

 

So, this is because I'm an American. I knew it! Thanks ̶O̶̶̶b̶̶̶a̶̶̶m̶̶̶a̶̶̶ Trump!

[chillii]

Wellll, l don't see how any of that is right. Don't any of you guys see the dozens of women round the forum that have been at it years and copped nothing but crap too , and some of them actually sound quite nice..

So if 80% of women there were only going for the top guys , which would only be about 20%, if even that , then not only would 60% of women be missing out too , there's no other way. But that would also mean that 80% of women there must be 8 0r 10s themselves or they couldn't be going for those guys because they'd only miss out anyway and spend a life alone.

So you might think it's skewed in their favor but that'd have to be an allusion .

 

Where as, l would say if it's anything like here, reality is only 10% of women are anywhere even near that, if that. The rest are just ordinary women of every shape and size.

And they have bf's and husbands of the same.

[mr_ybor]

Well, I'm a top guy (in my mind, anyway ), so, yeah... none of that makes any sense... or maybe I'm awful at math. Hmmmm....

 

So if 80% of women there were only going for the top guys , which would only be about 20%, if even that , then not only would 60% of women be missing out too , there's no other way.

Actually, not to get overly pedantic or anything, but: If there's a gaping disparity in male-to-female ratios (active & not fake & straight, of course) on dating apps, that could very well work out that way. Not saying it is, but there's a number of variables that can contextualize things. Edited September 17, 2019 by mr_ybor

[elaine567]

Women have always wanted the best man they can get, that is not new.

 

Men have always wanted sex and have used women, unattractive women, desperate women, gullible women, vulnerable women... to get it without commitment.

That is also not new.

 

There have always been men who when every one else paired off, they found themselves alone. Nothing new there either.

 

Those "bachelors" just got on with life, they usually put their energies in elsewhere.

Now they are on the internet complaining about "women".

[nospam99]

Just another anecdote/insight into the reality of OLD (age and location are important variables). I have a 25%+ long-term response rate to my unsolicited messages to women. It varies, once being almost 50%. Current monthly spot rate is 33%+. I think most men would regard that response as pretty good.

 

HOWEVER responses don't equal meets or dates. Maybe my picker is good in that I'm sending messages to women who are courteous enough that they will respond rather than ignoring a guy they are not interested in meeting. Among the responses I get are plenty of 'thank yous and best wishes in my search' with the added explicit disclaimer that I'm too short, too old, live too far away, or that I'm not attractive enough (only one of those but it's easy to remember for its uniqueness).

 

What is is. FWIW I'm still 'in it' and at the moment have two women who say they want to meet. Both contacted me first. Plenty of women who have gotten to that 'stage' then flake.

[Pat77]

Women have always wanted the best man they can get, that is not new.

 

Men have always wanted sex and have used women, unattractive women, desperate women, gullible women, vulnerable women... to get it without commitment.

That is also not new.

 

There have always been men who when every one else paired off, they found themselves alone. Nothing new there either.

 

Those "bachelors" just got on with life, they usually put their energies in elsewhere.

Now they are on the internet complaining about "women".

 

Most people end up pairing up. These complainers are outliers.

 

You’re comment about men using women is generalizing. Some use women most don’t.

 

As far as woman getting the best Man they can get. The “best” doesn’t necassarily mean the best looking or most successful man it means the man who they most connect with and fits well with them.

 

Same thing goes for Men