Husband of 25 years blindsided me

[dutytowarn]

This is my first post. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I’m sure I echo many feelings there. It’s a long post, and I would really appreciate insight/feedback. Thanks for reading.

 

It's been over a year since my husband of 25 years blindsided me with being "done with the marriage". The love story I believed in, gone. I trusted him completely and he betrayed me and the kids (2 kids).

 

It’s been 4 months since he moved out, divorce papers not filed yet. And, I only found out he was planning to move out because our daughter saw a text between him and a female colleague. He told this “friend” before his family.

 

I’m still struggling. The pain, anger, rejection is real. The sadness I feel is deep. Rationally, I know I will be okay. But, the anger keeps emerging and some days (weeks even) are me not feeling very rational.

 

He said he just fell out of love, over time, and finally admitted it to himself after thinking about it for two years. "Thinking about it" but never spoke to me about this, even though we openly spoke about the vulnerable stages of marriage, relationships, even before we were married. We spoke about the trickery of temptations, neglect, stages of love. The justifications, and denials, disguises. And, we promised we would always let the other know if we suddenly found ourselves making room for it. We would be open, honest, transparent. And, how these promises would reduce the risk, create boundaries, create immunity of an affair or ultimately divorce. Blah blah blah. It all feels like a lie now.

 

Where is the “duty to warn” when you’re planning your exit strategy in a marriage? It’s so cruel to not offer the other partner an opportunity to understand, work together, etc.

 

When I started to notice his distance, I asked him about it. He said it was just work stress and lack of sleep. So, I continued to support him in all the things that would help him (outings, gym, backpacking, etc). He just kept building more and more outside of our marriage. Outside of our kids. He was gone most weekends, work or other. This included other women. Not sure the extent. He denies any sort of affair, but texting other women, relying on other women, going on outings and coffee dates with other women, liking on other women’s pictures (sexy young women), the list goes on. And, deep down, I feel a man doesn’t just leave his family if he doesn’t feel he has a backup plan. If he wasn’t planning his exit for a long time. If he didn’t think he could find better.

 

He told me he lost faith in us, in himself, and that we just had a fundamental difference in how we viewed sex/intimacy. And, this was in text, not even face to face. He told me that because we didn't have more sex/intimacy, he wasn't "inspired" to give more to the marriage. But how are you going to expect more intimacy if you don't give anything to the intimacy? How can you expect improvement if you don't work on improvement? He said he's just not capable of giving me what I need. As if wanting my husband to plan a date or tell me I'm beautiful is such a high and unreachable expectations. But, he can give that to everyone else? How do you just walk away without trying?

 

I found out that he kept track of how often we had sex (unknowing to me), but never talked to me about this. He kept track of how often we had sex, but didn’t keep track of how often he actually participated in changing what that picture looked like. Had I known his needs were not being met, there’s so many things we could have done. My needs were not being met either. The difference? I spoke to him about my feelings of wanting to connect, I planned dates and did special things for him. We discussed the excitement of the kids being independent now and all the freedoms we have moving forward. But, it was too late for him.

 

I’m far from perfect, but I am loyal, thoughtful, adventurous, open minded and willing to look at many different options to meeting each other’s needs in a marriage. Marriage, to me, is a journey. Ups and downs but the goal remains to grow, build, trust even deeper. We are human, after all. We are constantly changing.

 

He told me “You’re an amazing, beautiful, incredible woman, always honest and transparent with me, but I have no faith our sex life will change.” I’m sorry...but why does a man’s sexual needs trump all other needs of a marriage?

 

These last 3 years have been horrible! He was horrible to me. To the kids. He admits this. But, has no explanation for his actions. He doesn’t actually seem to care at all. The man I knew, the best friend and lover I trusted, gone.

 

Now, we don’t speak. We haven’t seen each other since he moved out. He sees his son, a couple times a month and not because I'm not offering or allowing it. Our daughter won’t speak to him. He goes days without any contact with the kids. He’s just living his “new” life while I’m still taking care of the kids, trying to reinvent myself, go back to school, find a job, etc.

 

I don’t know what I’m asking here exactly. I’m all over the place. I just wonder if men like this (not saying women don’t do this..just speaking to my experience here) ever get hit in the face with the reality of what they have done? How are you handling this yourself?

[elaine567]

My guess.

He left for another woman. She may be hiding but she is there somewhere.

 

Middle-aged men do not leave like this without there being another woman in the picture.

[somanymistakes]

I’m sorry...but why does a man’s sexual needs trump all other needs of a marriage?

 

Needs are needs. And to him, they're his needs, and therefore the most important.

 

Consider, if you will, the number of women who leave marriages every day not because of abuse, but because they feel unfulfilled. 'My husband brings home money and wants sex in exchange but he doesn't ever talk to me or make me feel loved or respected'... would you tell that woman "why does a woman's need to feel loved trump all other needs in a marriage"?

 

I have no idea if sex is really the only reason he wants to leave. But any reason, if it's insurmountable, can be enough, if it matters to that one person. People divorce because one person changes religion and the other cannot accept that. People divorce because one of them got a new job and the other cannot accept that.

 

Yes, I do believe that a good spouse, man or woman, has the duty to tell their partner when things start to go wrong. It is wrong to bottle up resentment quietly and plan an exit strategy and only tell your partner when it's far too late. Unfortunately, it's also very common, because a lot of people are cowardly and poor communicators (which is why they're getting divorced in the first place.)

 

So they run from conflict into what they think will be a new, happier situation. Of course, unless they actually learn to develop those missing communication skills, it's generally only a matter of time before the pattern repeats itself.

[dutytowarn]

My guess.

He left for another woman. She may be hiding but she is there somewhere.

 

Middle-aged men do not leave like this without there being another woman in the picture.

Thank you! I feel this way too. I just don't believe a man would 1. Leave the marriage without feelings for another woman. 2. Attack the intimacy of the marriage. 2. Become critical of a sex life that was otherwise referred to as amazing. 3. Stop physical and emotional affection and support even with the kids. The truth always comes out though. It might take awhile, but it will. It blows my mind how huge the denial can be. What do these men think? No one will ever find out? I know when he's lying. And, to look me, in the face, over and over and lie at the expense of me feeling like the crazy one. Ugh. I don't wish this on anyone. I'm a strong women and this has broken me down in nearly every way I can imagine.

[dutytowarn]

Yes, very good point regarding communication. Thank you for your thoughts. And, yes, I would say something to a woman who feels her needs trump her husband's. I didn't word my original post regarding that very well. I believe the needs of both partners should be considered and not one over the other. I don't believe my needs were or are more important than my husband's. I'm just frustrated, and hurt, that he placed his needs before mine. That's how it feels when he didn't include me in the inner dialogue he had about it. But, at the end of the day, he left and those are his reasons. It just hurts. I know I need to get over my self pity party, and my anger is...well, mine to deal with and process. I just completely believed we could discuss anything and work through anything. And, maybe that's still true, it just looks very different now. It's divorce. My story has changed. His story has changed. Thanks for listening!

[Mr. Lucky]

My guess.

He left for another woman. She may be hiding but she is there somewhere.

 

Middle-aged men do not leave like this without there being another woman in the picture.

 

Have to agree with Elaine on this one. And I'd also venture the affair has been ongoing for quite a while, perhaps even covering the entire 3 years you felt his disconnect from the marriage. So you get the double whammy, he slams the door in your face on the way out, and treats your marriage like crap in the time leading up to his exit. Nice guy.

 

dutytowarn, hopefully this translates to a little righteous anger on your part. Grieve all you want, but soon you'll need to put you and your family's needs in a new context. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Don't expect your husband to act any more honorably after separation than he did before.

 

Also, in about half the cases, "runaway" spouses eventually ask to "come home". You might start thinking about your reaction to that request.

 

Stay strong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Definitely another woman. Be confident that when he introduces the "new woman in his life," she's actually been around for a long time and is the reason he can justify all his selfish rataionalizations.

[S2B]

Definitely a guy who’s been cheating.

 

Does it matter in the divorce? If so, get proof!

 

Since he’s not the same person you thought you knew - why not file for divorce so you can begin moving forward?

 

Request EVERYTHING! Spousal support, child support if the kids are younger, his retirement account and have him carry a life ins policy with you as beneficiary. Get as many assets as you can.

 

I only say that because he’s been horrible while having an affair... likely with the gal (coworker) listed on the text your daughter saw.

 

He wants out after lying and cheating? Fine. Make it hurt him!

[Veronica73]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s awful. It’s hard to imagine somebody being so awful and uncommunicative with you unless he had some other type of exit plan that he had already chosen on his own. Maybe another woman. Maybe something else. I don’t know. But I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with this.

[elaine567]

I know you feel sad and defeated but you need to use all your strength at this time to look out for yourself and your kids.

Go see a lawyer and do not let your husband dictate what HE wants as it will not be in your best interests long term.

 

If you are a sobbing mess on the floor and he rides roughshod over you, then when you do wake up, it will be far too late.

Delay your grief, you have a lifetime to grieve if that is what you want to do (not recommended ), but grief will not pay the bills.

 

Steel yourself, do not let him get all his own way, know your rights and act accordingly.

Remember whilst you are ruminating over emotions, he may be lining his pockets with joint assets...

 

He is no longer your husband of 25 years, your best friend, the guy who always had your back, the new "him" is a different beast all together, so no blind faith, no blind trust, he may indeed try to screw you out of every penny you have and secrete money away for his own needs, so assume nothing.

[salparadise]

I don't believe my needs were or are more important than my husband's. I'm just frustrated, and hurt, that he placed his needs before mine. [...] I know I need to get over my self pity party, and my anger is...well, mine to deal with and process.

 

 

I read your post yesterday and took time to think before trying to respond. I knew exactly who would be responding with sweeping generalizations about men, their evil motives, and what you should always presume. It's so predictable after you've been around here awhile. So I caution you to not fall into the crevasse of black and white negativity or gender crap. While hanging your anger and heartbreak on something quick and easy can feel good momentarily, you have to realize that life is infinitely more complex and variable, and so are middle-age men, and women.

 

On the question of another woman being involved, even if you knew that to be a fact, which you do not and therefore this is hypothetical... what you do not know is whether she's the cause or the result, or some of both, with additional factors contributing as well. In the long run you will be better off coming to terms with the fact that not everything is knowable, rational, and either this or that, than to use an overly simplistic explanation to emotionally exonerate yourself (not saying you're doing that, just warning agains it).

 

Somanymistakes suggests that needs are needs, and how that looks different to two people seeing the situation from differing perspectives. I believe that's a much more accurate way to think about it. Personal needs are more akin to a rubik's cube than a coin that's either heads or tails. Even the person who feels their needs are not being met may not know the solution, assuming there is "a" solution, and therefore cannot articulate it to the others person. Add to that the vulnerability one would expose to even broach that topic, and it's an amorphous mass of emotions and undefinable issues. I do agree that he should've tried to communicate and work on it though. I wonder why he did not, or if he feels that the did?

 

What do men in particular most need? Respect, appreciation and to be heard are what I believe to be essential emotional needs. How that is expressed (or not) is variable, but in most marriages [few exceptions] sex is important beyond the obvious immediate needs, an indicator of relationship health, the canary in the coal mine so to speak.

 

You said:

I found out that he kept track of how often we had sex (unknowing to me), but never talked to me about this. He kept track of how often we had sex, but didn’t keep track of how often he actually participated in changing what that picture looked like. Had I known his needs were not being met, there’s so many things we could have done. My needs were not being met either. The difference? I spoke to him about my feelings...

 

So what do you mean when you say, "how often he actually participated in changing what that picture looked like." And when you communicated about your needs not being met, how did you approach? You also said, "I'm just frustrated, and hurt, that he placed his needs before mine," which I find interesting in a few ways.

 

A fundamental rule of negotiation, even when in the position of greater power, is that you have to allow the other a way to save face. So I wonder if, in this struggle for each of your needs, did he feel that he had not been allowed that, that he was defeated and his choices were to accept subordination or nuke it?

 

Some of this resembles the patterns that resulted in the end of my marriage, so I'm just asking question and trying not to villainize anyone.

[dutytowarn]

I read your post yesterday and took time to think before trying to respond. I knew exactly who would be responding with sweeping generalizations about men, their evil motives, and what you should always presume. It's so predictable after you've been around here awhile. So I caution you to not fall into the crevasse of black and white negativity or gender crap. While hanging your anger and heartbreak on something quick and easy can feel good momentarily, you have to realize that life is infinitely more complex and variable, and so are middle-age men, and women

.

 

Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response. I really do appreciate it and you’ve made some very good and valid points and raised good questions. A lot for me to think about and reflect on. I'm going to try and answer best I can.

 

I agree, and am not a fan of sweeping generalizations. And, I did try to clarify, both in my post and past post, I didn’t word something clearly or it wasn’t to say that women don’t do this, but speaking to my own experience with this one particular man here. But, I am in no way a man hater. I was a participant in my marriage and believe looking through his lens is important as well. Though, I didn't always do a great job of that as I'm learning.

 

 

On the question of another woman being involved, even if you knew that to be a fact, which you do not and therefore this is hypothetical... what you do not know is whether she's the cause or the result, or some of both, with additional factors contributing as well. In the long run you will be better off coming to terms with the fact that not everything is knowable, rational, and either this or that, than to use an overly simplistic explanation to emotionally exonerate yourself (not saying you're doing that, just warning agains it).

 

I did know that to be the fact, emotionally. And, that was confirmed by him. I don’t know if there was a physical relationship (tho I suspect there has been based on what he's shared with me and what I've seen) with any one of the women. The point is more about the downward spiral of my marriage, our lack of communication, how we prioritized each other’s needs. There’s a lot to cover and it’s difficult to do that in one post. But, it’s a start on sharing and getting feedback on what is feeling very isolated experience for me currently.

 

 

suggests that needs are needs, and how that looks different to two people seeing the situation from differing perspectives. I believe that's a much more accurate way to think about it. Personal needs are more akin to a rubik's cube than a coin that's either heads or tails. Even the person who feels their needs are not being met may not know the solution, assuming there is "a" solution, and therefore cannot articulate it to the others person. Add to that the vulnerability one would expose to even broach that topic, and it's an amorphous mass of emotions and undefinable issues. I do agree that he should've tried to communicate and work on it though. I wonder why he did not, or if he feels that the did?

 

That is very true. It is not black and white. He doesn’t feel that he communicated it and I’m grateful for his willingness to talk more openly about it moving forward now. And, I absolutely agree that it’s a vulnerability that not everyone can easily reach into themselves for or reveal...or maybe even come to terms with. I have a lot of compassion for where he’s at, where we have been. A lot of anger and hurt too. The anger is largely towards myself, at this point.

 

 

What do men in particular most need? Respect, appreciation and to be heard are what I believe to be essential emotional needs. How that is expressed (or not) is variable, but in most marriages [few exceptions] sex is important beyond the obvious immediate needs, an indicator of relationship health, the canary in the coal mine so to speak.

 

I agree! And, I’m struggling with that reality. I’m struggling with feeling like I completely failed in this arena. Like, wtf was I thinking? There’s so much I could have done had I just woke myself. I don’t know how I allowed myself to believe we would be okay with such dwindling intimacy.

 

 

You said:

 

 

So what do you mean when you say, "how often he actually participated in changing what that picture looked like." And when you communicated about your needs not being met, how did you approach? You also said, "I'm just frustrated, and hurt, that he placed his needs before mine," which I find interesting in a few ways.

 

Well, clearly I didn’t communicate it in a way that worked for him. I thought I was being transparent, open, honest. And, I was. But, to him, I can see how it would have felt critical. He asked me what I needed (lists work for him) and I communicated those needs. He agrees I was kind and loving about it. He agrees I was supportive of him. He agrees I tried to talk to him about what he needed. He agrees he didn’t try to do the things I had asked for and he doesn’t know why (or maybe he's not ready to share that truth with me). But, he knows he wasn’t inspired to do those things with me any longer. With the kids. He acknowledges that he went down a dark path (his words not mine).

 

I can see how it occurred. I became complacent. We both accepted our routine and felt like “well, when the kids are more independent, we will be able to (insert).” As the kids’ needs increased (dating, high school, college, etc), my time and energy was filled with their needs. Which, has been my career for 20+ years. At the same time, he began a very active and involved life outside of our marriage and his career. It took up all of his time and energy. We really stopped making each other a priority. We became roommates. And, as he became more distant, I became more desperate for his attention. Not my proudest moments. And, that’s just not attractive and not who I am, but I did let that happen. As I became more desperate, he was spending more and more time entertaining women who were energetic, adventurous, young, no kids, no marriage. They were feeding his ego (his words) and I was becoming less and less attractive to him. To myself even. He began to entertain the idea that there was someone better suited for him. For me. And, he lost faith in us and gave up (his words).

 

 

 

 

A fundamental rule of negotiation, even when in the position of greater power, is that you have to allow the other a way to save face. So I wonder if, in this struggle for each of your needs, did he feel that he had not been allowed that, that he was defeated and his choices were to accept subordination or nuke it?

 

Well, I feel I offered him ways to save face (over and over). But, as many of his needs were being met outside of our marriage, and as he began to fantasize about the other life he was creating (and not being honest about it), guilt set in and he felt he couldn’t ever be the good guy, again, because of the slippery slope he went down. He did feel defeated (good word to describe his feelings). He gave up because coming to me and admitting he wasn’t happy was (in his mind) him destroying an amazing woman he created a life with, made promises to, built dreams with. It was him destroying his kids. And, this goes back to the same thing being done to his mom when he was a kid. He thought it would just get better and the feeling would go away, in time. But, he found that ignoring it, didn’t mean his family didn’t feel it or notice it. It didn’t mean it didn’t haunt him, making him feel terrible and so on.

 

He’s an incredible man! He lost himself along the way. I lost myself along the way. And we lost each other along the way. It’s very sad. I don’t believe he intentionally set out to hurt me. And, I believe this is a great hurt to him as well. I am angry and frustrated that I felt the dismantle. I saw it. I voiced it. I’m hurt that he allowed himself to believe and participate in other women being better suited for him, instead of talking to me, helping design solutions with me. I don’t think allowing others into a vulnerable stage of the marriage is an effective or healthy solution to problem solving any issue in a marriage (speaking just to marriage here). I don’t believe it’s one fault or just the other women. It’s such a larger picture.

 

 

Some of this resembles the patterns that resulted in the end of my marriage, so I'm just asking question and trying not to villainize anyone.

 

I really appreciate your honesty here. I have a lot to reflect on and really not interested in placing blame solely on him. I know some of my post may sound that way and I do have my moments I do that. And, it’s good for me to be reminded of others ways to view this, process this. And, how to avoid various pitfalls.

 

My hope for myself is that I can put my broken pieces back together to create a new shape. One that is stronger but soft, that knows devastation has no place here, that there is only room for love. Love for myself. Love for life. No matter what. It’s a process. It sounds so cheesy when I type it or say it out loud, but I do work towards that.

 

I hope that he can find clarity that love has always been available to him and that it is strong enough to combat his demons (his word) when they rise up again (because they most definitely will).

 

My hope is that we move through this with humility and grace and keep on building the loving, messy, whole-hearted life that we and our children deserve. Even if that picture is not longer marriage. My love and devotion to his well being, and happiness, doesn’t just end because we failed each other. It’s an ugly, hurtful, painful, angry opportunity, right now. But, an opportunity to grow myself. Right now, my self care includes tequila, filthy music (haha) and sorting through the anger and rejection I feel. And, talking here is helpful. Appreciate your insight.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You need to get angrier.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You need to get angrier.

 

I disagree. OP sounds like an extraordinarily intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) woman and I think her self reflection and analysis of the entire situation is being handled in a very healthy way.

[salparadise]

I have a lot of compassion for where he’s at, where we have been. A lot of anger and hurt too. The anger is largely towards myself, at this point.

 

I'm happy to see that you're looking at it all from multiple perspectives, and while anger is naturally in there too, it's not just that. Anger is usually an expression of or reaction to fear, and the more you understand the less of both you have to process.

 

There is a book that I would suggest, especially if there is hope of turning this around. It's entitled Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It has sold 4 million copies and probably every counselor and psychologist in the US has a copy. I'll try to give you a synopsis in a few words:

 

We are born whole, and as young children we learn that we must excise parts of ourselves in order to receive the love and care we need to survive. Parents communicate this verbally and nonverbally, and through selective reinforcement. As adults a large part of our psychological needs are about finding and reconnecting with the missing parts of ourselves that we were forced to excise. The intuitive/emotional part of us believes that the way to reconnect with those part is through love, and selection of the right mate. And who would be the one with the unique ability to give ourselves back to us –– someone who resembles and symbolizes the ones for whom we gave it up. Our parents. So we develop what Hendrix calls the Imago, a composite image (based on personality, mannerisms, appearance, and others) and this is who we will be attracted to... with the expectation that they will love us unconditionally and make us whole again. Well, of course that isn't possible, but all of this is happening subconsciously and we aren't really aware of why we eventually become disappointed and unhappy with out mate. It's actually coming from within ourselves and not their fault at all, but neither realize this and disappointment turns into resentment. And resentment erodes the foundation.

 

Okay, more than a few word, but the point is that such breakdowns aren't really either person's fault because they didn't know what or why. He goes on to describe his program for reconnecting the couple and rebuilding the relationship. It's actually pretty simple but I don't think it's a do-it-yourself project (you'll need a therapist). I think couples should read this book BEFORE getting married, and then practice some of the reconnection process intuitively (prophylactically).

 

Keep leaning toward compassion. You know that he's hurting too, and not trying to hurt you. It sounds like you all have a chance. I wish good things for you.

 

And I agree with CautionuslyOptimistic –– you are emotionally and intellectually intelligent, self-aware and introspective. You will get through this and be okay in time. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

[spiritedaway2003]

And I agree with CautionuslyOptimistic –– you are emotionally and intellectually intelligent, self-aware and introspective. You will get through this and be okay in time. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

 

Agreed with the above 100%. Such thoughtful post(s) from the OP.

 

I'm on LS because I had been hurting as the "OW". I'm so glad that you didn't immediately shift the entire blame to OW (which so many often do because they're easy targets). And I am not saying this as a way to shift accountability, either. I am saying this because I'm incredibly impressed that you are at a point where you can see past the hurt and the easiest thing to do (blame), and be introspective enough to identify some of those issues that may have contributed to the "drift" in your marriage. That takes insight and maturity.

 

I'm sorry that you're both hurting.

 

Whether you both ended up reconciling is largely dependent on how much you both want to re-commit to one another. I don't have a lot of advice, but if you love him (and he loves you), then don't give up just yet. There's still a chance if both are willing to try.

 

I'm rooting for you both and I wish you good things for you. Keep posting on LS. The support has helped me through some of my roughest moments here.

 

You seemed like a healthy, well-balanced person with a great head on your shoulder. I wish you the best.

Edited July 14, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Mr. Lucky]

OP sounds like an extraordinarily intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) woman and I think her self reflection and analysis of the entire situation is being handled in a very healthy way.

 

But here's the problem, and I've seen it play out over and over again, both here and IRL, my first marriage included.

 

While the OP is being thoughtful, reflective and analytical "in a very healthy way", her WS is busy turning her into emotional roadkill and the relationship into a springboard for his own selfish priorities.

 

dutytowarn is thinking about his needs, and he's thinking about ... his needs.

 

She does not need to be "angrier" or hate the father of her children. She does need to be realistic, resolute and protective of herself and the kids. Right now, no one else looking out for her...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited July 14, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[dutytowarn]

You need to get angrier.

Well, I’ve been plenty angry. I’ve had some pretty impressive melt downs of rage during this last year. But, for me, anger is short lived...a release when I cannot find the words for my frustrations and emotions. However, anger doesn’t help me reach the overall goals, I need, in order to truly surrender to what’s happening in my life. To move forward. To be the strongest I can be. Ugh, sounds so corny! I swear, you’d see a bad a$$ woman not some unrealistic pushover that I sound like saying this right now. Hoping I can explain. I’ve always been a very neutral person, with an ability to really look at both sides or many sides. I don’t intend to try and defeat or punish him. That’s been done, already, by walking away from his family. I think about the level of personal defeat he must feel to have reached that place. And, that is sad. My understanding of that doesn’t negate the fact that he made some really crap choices that devastated me, in so many ways. But, he’s responsible for his choices and I’m responsible for mine. Not going to lie...it sucks! It’s not the easy path, that’s for sure. It is painful to look at myself, to let go. It’s hard to not want to pick up the phone or email him some of the angry thoughts I’ve had or have. But, I’ve found it to be the most effective path, for me, to get back to the place where I can lay my head down, each night, with no regrets. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. I have had a long week of moments this week (hence reaching out here). I miss waking up without crying, feeling mad or totally deflated because reality hits me or I had a memory cross my mind. But, I still find it important to explore the cause of my anger, as quickly as I can. I can’t stand living with myself in that state of mind! This week, I had a pretty decent list going. And, that boils down to fear, anxiety I will be blindsided again, sadness that my best friend is no longer the person I can share these feelings with, but a massive reason I’m feeling this. It’s a horrible process, I’m sure many here can relate to. Trying to take it one day at a time. Sometimes, a few minutes at a time.

[elaine567]

While the OP is being thoughtful, reflective and analytical "in a very healthy way", her WS is busy turning her into emotional roadkill and the relationship into a springboard for his own selfish priorities...

Exactly.

 

The OP is in fact the dumpee, and like most dumpees she is spending all her time ruminating. Going over and over the past, blaming herself, considering what ifs and maybes and generally trying to be "Oh so reasonable" and making excuses for the "loved one" who has just unceremoniously dumped her.

 

Whereas that dumper tends to move seamlessly on.

It was their choice to leave the relationship behind, they will have thought long and hard about it and usually by the day of the actual split they are more or less over it.

 

The mistake many make is to think during a breakup that the heart ache is split right down the middle, when the reality is the dumpee is blindsided and heart broken but the dumper has their emotions well under control as the split is what they wanted. They are not heart broken, they may even be happy and relieved...

[dutytowarn]

Mr. Lucky...Thanks for your response. I had to actually add you, after I posted, because I'm still trying to figure out how to quote, response to a specific person, etc.

 

Considering that I never (and I mean never) thought we would end up here, and how it all went down, I am guarded and diligent in protecting myself and the kids. It took me about a year to really wrap my head around the reality that it was over for him, for awhile, and he was just telling me. I began the process of documenting and outlining all of the legalities about 6 months ago. I submitted visitation, child and spousal support, for his review and approval. I outlined assets, with suggestions on how we could proceed. We are in agreement. Everything is documented, submitted for review and approval. Aside from very basic visitation related texts (running early, late, etc), everything is e-mail with a “request to respond” or just informative with “no response requested.”

 

Regardless of the reasons why or how he reached a place that, in his mind, the only option was to lie, withhold information, and leave, that’s what he did. So, I don’t have any trust in him not doing that again. I would prefer to not get into some sort of muddy legal battle (as I’m sure most say and or feel), but I am prepared if I need to. It’s horrible that I have to even think that way, but I know the reality.

 

And, regarding him returning or asking to return, I can't imagine him ever wanting to do that. He seems very happy to move on with his new life. But, it is something that I need to understand my position on, so thank you for that.

Edited July 14, 2019 by dutytowarn
Responding to specific person

[loversquarrel]

The breakdown was about sex and communication. He checked out and no doubt grew frustrated and detached with what appears to be a lack of sexual intimacy. It's on him for not communicating this to you, but at least you have hard evidence of this. It clearly became a focal point for him when he started keeping track, probably saving up for a future argument?

 

Here's the thing, he started to take notice that other women found him attractive, which no doubt stroked his ego, but I guarantee as time went on he grew emotionally invested in one or more of these women because she/they were meeting all of his needs. Men dont tend to leave a relationship even if they've had countless affairs. They tend to leave when they meet that one woman who meets all of their wants and desires. He left you for someone else and I doubt he'll be back.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It's a feeling I have about this. When a guys marital sex life goes downhill they disengage, unfortunately that's just the way it is.

[elaine567]

I guess he found other women stoked his ego, then he looked around for reasons to end the marriage. HE introduced distance and then blamed the OP for the lack of sex, by that time he was getting it elsewhere, so was not open to the OPs attempts to heal the marriage.

She was on a hiding to nothing, the other woman or other women were firing him up and boosting his ego.

He is "da man"...

Now he has no interest even in his own children...

[Turning point]

He said he's just not capable of giving me what I need.

 

These words above are about the best explanation you will ever get from a man like this, and it's best if you can truly come to terms with what he is actually saying with them.

 

This is a weasel's way of telling you:

 

"I'm far too selfish to reciprocate or care about you, or your needs (or anyone's really.)"

 

It's not at all about your needs and never has been. What he explains in this one sentence is that his pre-occupation with his own self-gratification precludes the possibility of any effort to please you. It's so easy to pass over this weak and pathetic little statement - but, it is the magnifying glass through which all of his actions, inaction, and years of silence can be understood.

 

He's selfish - in a very extreme way. It's really not about the sex and intimacy - at least not to the extent that there is anything you could ever have done about it. Selfish people get bored. Heck, even porn stars get dumped. It may be true there's another woman but, she is just a new toy and in no better standing than you. What the OW has going for her right now is that she's clueless about his true character. He's going to take, and take from her, and other people then discard them much the same when again "he can't give them what they need."

 

I can't give you what you need = I don't do reciprocation.

Edited July 14, 2019 by Turning point

[chryssy83]

This sounds a lot like what I’ve experienced except my kids are small and don’t really get what’s going on so they have lots of contact with their dad because I think he loves their attention and looking like a good dad to his family.

 

I will say...I heard all the same stuff. Oh I just felt disconnected, our sex life wasn’t fulfilling enough, but I swear I did not cheat on you. You believe me right? That I never cheated?

 

Now months later I know he was cheating on me before we even married. Before our first child was conceived, during both pregnancies, when we bought our forever house. Basically all the time and his “reasons” are just his way of justifying it....devaluing me and explaining how maybe we all have blame. But the truth is I didn’t have a chance.

 

I’m not a man hater either but I’d bet money your guy has been cheating at least as long as you felt this disconnect he would not work on with you. There’s no way it’s not been physical. And it may not be that he left with a plan b. My guy had at least a plan b and a plan c both in the works and his phone records from the divorce revealed that he was with them both during the marriage and continued to be with them both after our separation until I told them about each other and he “chose who to be with—someone who really accepts him for who he really is.” The lies he told them? Doozies. One of them still believes him.

 

And the generous guy who wanted me to be okay because some things don’t work out but I’ll “always be the mother of our kids” and “our relationship doesn’t have to change just because we are getting divorced” fights everything in the divorce.

 

I can’t say for sure your guy was cheating that whole time but I’d bet good money and (as my husband who won’t go away would tell you...) I’m pretty conservative with money.

 

So sorry this happened to you and best of luck going forward. This is a horrible experience but you can get through it.

[dutytowarn]

These words above are about the best explanation you will ever get from a man like this, and it's best if you can truly come to terms with what he is actually saying with them.

 

This is a weasel's way of telling you:

 

"I'm far too selfish to reciprocate or care about you, or your needs (or anyone's really.)"

 

It's not at all about your needs and never has been. What he explains in this one sentence is that his pre-occupation with his own self-gratification precludes the possibility of any effort to please you. It's so easy to pass over this weak and pathetic little statement - but, it is the magnifying glass through which all of his actions, inaction, and years of silence can be understood.

 

He's selfish - in a very extreme way. It's really not about the sex and intimacy - at least not to the extent that there is anything you could ever have done about it. Selfish people get bored. Heck, even porn stars get dumped. It may be true there's another woman but, she is just a new toy and in no better standing than you. What the OW has going for her right now is that she's clueless about his true character. He's going to take, and take from her, and other people then discard them much the same when again "he can't give them what they need."

 

I can't give you what you need = I don't do reciprocation.

Thank you! It's difficult to keep that in mind, as I'm struggling through the feelings of rejection, not being sexual enough, etc. I just cannot wrap my brain around the state of mind he must be in to be this selfish. It feels as if I went to bed with a generous, kind, thoughtful, giving husband (and dad) and I woke to the monster of instant gratification/selfishness. I know that sounds so dramatic and there's lots in-between those words as time passed. It didn't just happen overnight. And, I'm not faultless here. But I feel there's a huge difference between acknowledging issues in a marriage, trying to communicate, program solve and saying it has nothing to do with me, all work stress and lack of sleep and then walking away. I understand needs not being met. I even understand his needs not being met (once he actually told me). I understand frustrations and differences in relationships. I even understand falling in and out of love in a marriage. In and out of attraction.

 

I read a quote, from a doctor that said “I’ve been married six times – all to the same woman. I never got divorced, but rather my marriage transitioned from one stage to another."

 

I look at long term marriage/relationships that way. Not saying there's never a reason to divorce, just in my case, it feels like he took the last 20+ years and reduced it down to not being able to give me what I need. It feels more like "I don't want to give you what you need, because that means giving up all these other things that satisfy me. It means work and consideration. It means communication and effort."

 

Bleh...I'm rambling. Anyway, thank you for this response. I must must must remember it.