Husband of 25 years blindsided me

[chryssy83]

 

I look at long term marriage/relationships that way. Not saying there's never a reason to divorce, just in my case, it feels like he took the last 20+ years and reduced it down to not being able to give me what I need. It feels more like "I don't want to give you what you need, because that means giving up all these other things that satisfy me. It means work and consideration. It means communication and effort."

 

This is it. I have friends who are a married couple, married for like 17 years who said the key to staying married is staying married. You just keep doing it. Go back to the vows you made, continue to put in the effort, participate in the act of loving the person you committed to love. When someone has this attitude that they just aren’t going to do it anymore when they aren’t fulfilled or happy enough, but their ways of “fixing” it all hinged on seeking those things outside the marriage and telling you everything is fine when you bring up your own concerns....they aren’t unable to do what it takes they are unwilling. And it’s hard to separate that from feelings of being unworthy or not sexual enough but it’s really not about you it’s about them. You were there, you were invested, you were honest and looking out for him. He was telling you it’s fine while complaining about it with some coworker.

[Mr. Lucky]

not being sexual enough, etc.

 

I think you have to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

As a partner in a long-term marriage, you can't compete with the short-term thrills an AP can provide. Juggling life, family and household, not much time for the mid-day BJ's and lunchtime quickies she could be supplying. And he's certainly hasn't been attuned to meeting your needs in the same way he's likely tapped into hers. It's not apples to apples.

 

What you hope in a committed relationship is he'd compare the totality of your life together with the reality of time with her. If he's myopic and short-sighted enough to dump you for Ms. Right Now, not a whole lot you can - or should - do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Hey, the cheater will dream up ANY excuse to use against you when they need to justify their cheating!

 

It’s not you - it’s them.

 

I was having sex regularly every day - most days twice a day and my exH still cheated. We were together 27 years.

 

I’m sure he told his OW we rarely had sex. They lie. Know that!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Woah. I can't believe that tolerating cheating is seen as "reflective" and "emotionally intelligent". More like desperate and delusional. There was OW in the picture, perhaps for a long time. There is absolutely no excuse for this, no way, no how. I don't care what his reasons are.

 

Posters saying that OP maybe still has a chance. What? Who would a chance with this lying, two-faced loser? He didn't even *attempt* to communicate.

 

 

 

Sure, he will be back if his other options don't pan out. I guess people will do anything not to be single. What a sad world we live in

[dutytowarn]

Woah. I can't believe that tolerating cheating is seen as "reflective" and "emotionally intelligent". More like desperate and delusional. There was OW in the picture, perhaps for a long time. There is absolutely no excuse for this, no way, no how. I don't care what his reasons are.

 

Posters saying that OP maybe still has a chance. What? Who would a chance with this lying, two-faced loser? He didn't even *attempt* to communicate.

 

 

 

Sure, he will be back if his other options don't pan out. I guess people will do anything not to be single. What a sad world we live in

Hmmm Eternal Sunshine….it feels like you’re making some assumptions about me and I’d like to address them. Maybe I’ve given the wrong impression about my overall intentions regarding my marriage. Or, maybe you’re making these statements as more “general” and not specifically towards my situation. Either way, I’d like to respond. Not intending to start a debate over your position, on this topic, vs my position. You are clearly passionate about this subject and I’m sure you have your own story behind that. Not at all trying to be an a$$ here, just would like an opportunity to clarify where I’m coming from.

 

First, I’m not afraid to be alone or single. Never have been. I don’t need my husband for my survival. I choose to move forward through our failings, trying to place my sadness and anger in the right spots, work through my grief. I can live in anger, point the finger to all that has hurt me, but there is no value to that, in my mind, although I do have my moments of doing that. And, I'm trying to forgive myself. The messages to myself "you should have known, you're so stupid, you're ugly and undesirable, you're not worthy of love" and so on, are all parts of the collateral damage here. And, that's because I allowed myself to trust, entirely, until I couldn't trust entirely. And, not trusting my husband was a horrible place to reach.

 

Even though my marriage is over, I am still committed to moving forward in the healthiest way possible. Not only for myself, but our kids. I owe it to them (outside of myself) to work through this crap. It’s a sh$t show for them too. There’s nothing easy about facing this. But, I believe in teaching to life. This is life. This is life for us, right now, and the foreseeable future. It is what it is. How I respond to it, how I react to it, that’s on me.

 

I don’t believe I tolerated cheating, if you meant that regarding my situation. What I did do, was trust a man who had, prior to this, given me no reason to mistrust him. I felt many different emotions for this man that I loved, for half my life, that I took my vows with, that I created life with. And, I do feel compassion that he became so overtaken by his need to stroke his own ego, numb, deny, justify that he lost all faith in what kind of man he actually was. That may have broken my heart as much as the hurt caused by his actions and giving up on our marriage. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, I have to deal with the fallout. Yes, I’m angry and have to deal with that. But, at the end of the day, I have to take care of myself and move on. He has his own battle, and I’m leaving that to him.

 

I definitely reached a place that I felt pretty desperate to figure things out, and lost myself (in many ways) along the way. But, trying to process, sort things out (for myself) and reflect on my own failings, in my 20+ year marriage, doesn't equate to being delusional. I think I’ve been pretty realistic actually. As I’ve said, I’m a reasonable, rational and logical person, to my core. It’s my road map to processing, analyzing, working through, letting go. That doesn’t mean I live in some fantasy that by me being reasonable it will result in him being reasonable. It doesn’t mean I think we will reach this emotional finish line in the same collaborative place. It doesn’t mean I don’t prepare or protect myself or the kids.

 

It will take me a long time to reach a place that I would be willing to find a friendship with him, again, but I will work at that in myself first. I can’t predict that time-line, but I certainly am clear on what it would require. And, I’m under no illusion; I know more pain is heading my way.

 

I’d like to say that I have this all sorted out, but I do not. There will be triggers. There will be more information. I’m sure there will be more blindsides. It is f-ing hard! It’s hard to face myself. It’s hard to face the end. It’s hard to reinvent myself. It’s hard. But, I’ve never been afraid of hard work.

 

I’ve had many years of a colorful story. And, all along the way, I’ve always tried to see the lessons in it. This is no exception.

[dutytowarn]

I think you have to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

As a partner in a long-term marriage, you can't compete with the short-term thrills an AP can provide. Juggling life, family and household, not much time for the mid-day BJ's and lunchtime quickies she could be supplying. And he's certainly hasn't been attuned to meeting your needs in the same way he's likely tapped into hers. It's not apples to apples.

 

What you hope in a committed relationship is he'd compare the totality of your life together with the reality of time with her. If he's myopic and short-sighted enough to dump you for Ms. Right Now, not a whole lot you can - or should - do...

 

Mr. Lucky

Thank you! So well said. Loved "compare the totality of your life together." You really put into words something I had been trying to articulate for a while.

 

Yes...I have a pretty solid self critic, working on that.

[schlumpy]

He used the sex excuse to mitigate his guilt.

 

At this point, most of the tools for saving your marriage won't work. That he crafted his exit so carefully and gave you no opportunity to blow up his plans does not bode well for future reconciliation in my opinion.

 

I would guess he will try to keep you placated so that you don't interfere with the divorce and instead go along with what he suggests. He may even dangle the reconciliation carrot in front of you so that you will be afraid to anger him.

 

If you want him back then your only course of action now is to wait until he gets tired of the greener grass on the other side. If not, you need to get angry and file for divorce and hold his feet in the fire.

 

Don't talk to him except for the kids and the divorce. Every other conversation is forbidden. Then you wait and see if he will crack under the pressure.

 

If not, then get the best settlement you can and find someone else. Someone who can spell the words loyalty and fidelity.

 

Best Wishes

[giotto]

reduced it down to not being able to give me what I need.

 

This is what my wife said to me. And that she was sorry she couldn't be the woman I deserved... what do you reply to that? No idea how to overcome all this...

[Mr. Lucky]

No idea how to overcome all this...

 

Different in that your wife apparently content to live out the rest of your years as sexless roommates> The OP's spouse has left the marriage behind...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

Different in that your wife apparently content to live out the rest of your years as sexless roommates> The OP's spouse has left the marriage behind...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Maybe, but to me changing the terms of the marriage - unilaterally - is the same as abandoning the marriage... please note the word unilaterally...

[giotto]

OP, how was your sex life? Maybe I missed this bit...

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe, but to me changing the terms of the marriage - unilaterally - is the same as abandoning the marriage... please note the word unilaterally...

 

Well put. Makes sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kasan]

Just saw this scenario play out in my own family.

 

 

 

Find yourself a "shark" for an attorney. Find all the hidden accounts, check all credit card statements, and bank accounts. Build your case so you can re-build your life.

[Mrin]

Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Not sure if there is another woman. But there is definitely the want of another woman.

 

Question: did any of his close friends or work buddies recently get separated? One of the things I've noticed is that when one man gets separated and starts living an active single middle aged dude life, it can be a real eye opener to his friends who feel stuck in a not so happy or not marriage. They see their buddy slaying it with the ladies and think "wow, this is my last chance."

[dutytowarn]

OP, how was your sex life? Maybe I missed this bit...

giotto...

 

I always thought (famous last words) of our sex life as incredibly passionate, adventurous, connected. He's an amazing lover....was an amazing lover. I thought I was as well. We had, what I considered, incredible intimacy in many ways across the board (interests, conversations, flirting, affection, sex). Naturally, our frequency has waxed and waned over the years. The days of 5 times a day, turned to once a day, turned to a couple times a week, turned to a couple times a month, turned into once every 3 months and then once a year (bed rest pregnancy, no sex/orgasms allowed). Then, back to a couple times a day and so on. I always felt this was very reasonable for long term relationships, with kids and real life. There are dry spells. Sometimes, me. Sometimes him. Sometimes kids. Sometimes schedules. Sometimes all of it. It never bothered me or was any sort of alarm in my mind. Even when we weren’t having sex, we were affectionate, playful, loving, flirty. The kind of couple who spoke throughout the day, kept each other informed, relied on each other. All of our friends and family saw a loving, affectionate, dedicated marriage. That’s what I thought too! And, I think, for a very long time it was. Until it wasn't.

 

When our second child started school and our daughter started dating, our business became more and more demanding, making time for each other required a lot more effort, which seemed pretty typical (to me) regarding where we were at in life.

 

I would plan dates (no family here so it was always a babysitter), but just being able to escape to the bedroom was no easy thing to do. We spoke about this and how we could remain connected. It seemed important to both of us. Maybe we couldn't have sex, as easily, but we could snuggle, massages, kiss, dance, etc. Maybe we couldn't just take off to a hotel, but we would park off road before coming home from our date. I had dates on the calendar, a month out at a time. At least once or twice a week.

 

I often would take some time, when I saw an opening or created one (kids watching movie, sleeping, whatever) to take advantage of that time with him. It wasn't some two hour love session, but I felt like we were carving out what we could.

 

But, as life became more difficult to manage (daughter's disabilities, schedules, blah blah blah...life), our sex life did take a hit. He was in bed by 8PM and I was starting my second shift with the kids. It seemed understandable that finding time was a challenge.

 

I thought we were on the same page, because he said nothing that would make me think otherwise. The conversations were future focused, loving, affectionate, discussing what life would be like as the kids became more independent. I really didn’t see anything “wrong” until a couple years ago, and I asked him about it. I asked him many times. Something was off. I could feel it. I could see it. The kids could see and feel it. But, again, I was offered a lack of sleep and work stress as all the reasons. I asked him if it had anything to do with us. The answer was always no. But, wow, we both just took a nose dive and here we are now.

 

Come to find out, our sex life wasn’t what I thought it was. He attacked the one thing I thought I was doing absolutely right. Not as often as we both would want, but I thought: “Wow, we are adventurous, loving, spontaneous, sexy” and I was proud of us. But, last year, he told me, in his mind, we had “some good times” but what he really wanted (according to him) was more “love making.” He wanted “more hugs, more kissing, more intimacy.” And, by the time he “realized” it was too late for him.

 

I guess the difference between us is I was willing to talk about it, ask about it, review it, find solutions. He wasn't. Or, at least, that's how it felt to me. I'm still trying to sort all of that out. In my world, frequency of sex doesn't equal love. Sex alone doesn't equal intimacy. In his world, sex equals love and frequency of sex apparently equals motivation to be more complimentary and intimate in a marriage. I could completely understand this, had it been an actual discussion and effort to fix whatever he felt he wasn't getting. I could understand saying "hey, this doesn't work for me" after actually trying to solve this or if we had tried to solve it. I could understand if I just rejected him over and over, no regard to him. But, that's just not the case. Ugh.

[dutytowarn]

Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Not sure if there is another woman. But there is definitely the want of another woman.

 

Question: did any of his close friends or work buddies recently get separated? One of the things I've noticed is that when one man gets separated and starts living an active single middle aged dude life, it can be a real eye opener to his friends who feel stuck in a not so happy or not marriage. They see their buddy slaying it with the ladies and think "wow, this is my last chance."

You know, that's one of the things I mentioned to him. I think there's a lot of midlife crisis here, supported by exactly what he filled his life with during this period of time: divorced, now single men, younger men not married, younger couples with no kids, no long term relationships, women who were younger and no commitment to children or even marriages. The list goes on. Everything he does is adrenaline filled or "hero complex" related. Be there for the young woman who needs extra care because she just lost her parents and so on. Why not be a hero to the women in your own damn life? He began to entertain that there was another person better suited for him or maybe many. I don't know. He said it became a thought in his mind. He started to noticed happy divorced men. He began speaking to these men about how much better life is for them now. Of course, I didn't find this out until it was "too late" for him. So, I told him....why not talk to men who have been married 20+ years and made that work? How about talk to these men who left their families, after their now relationships hit that 20+ year range? I don’t want to hear him talk about a 2 year relationship, post divorce, honeymoon period crap or place me in a comparative light to women who are young and have no responsibilities outside of themselves. No offense to those who move forward and have successful relationships. Not saying divorce should never occur. But, I don’t want him to compare a two year fascination and happiness with some new woman to my 25+ years of supporting this man and our kids. Now, he’s living his single man life. Just walked away. Every now and then, I get a “How are you doing?” text or some blame text related to finances.

[dutytowarn]

If not, then get the best settlement you can and find someone else. Someone who can spell the words loyalty and fidelity.

 

This is everything! Thank you. lol! Day made.

 

Yeah, he fell out of love or whatever he tells himself and sat on that for a couple years. There's no trust left, at all, with that approach. And, I have no doubt, the truth will continue to reveal. It always does. At least, that's my life experience. He knows that had he come to me, with the truth, there's a million different options we could have taken. He just didn't want to. Bottom line.

[spiderowl]

He met somone (maybe several women), got talking to them, got to know them as people, then it turned physical and into an affair. Meanwhile, you are blissfully unaware.

 

Then he has to justify his infidelity and desire to spend more time with the affair partner by shooting down your married sex life. He could have spoken to you about it (did he?). Instead, he fed on attention from elsewhere and it became more and more difficult to maintain two relationships.

 

He has decided to go for the novel one. He has made his new bed and he must lie in it. Novelty does not mean that a relationship will work out in the long run, though he will try to make it work because it would be far too embarassing to him if it didn't.

 

I am sorry you were blind-sided like this. By the time, he had got involved with someone else, it was too late for you to do anthing, not that it seems you have anything to put right anyway. The demands on you were such that there were natural ebbs and flows with your sex life.

 

It seems rare for a guy to leave his wife without someone else to go to, yet women leave their husbands to be alone and find a new life. Men seem to need the security of 'mother in the kitchen' much more than women. If his new relationship turns sour, he may try to come back. It is obviously up to you what you do about that but there is the risk he will do this again.

 

You sounds an amazingly intelligent and resourceful person. I feel sure there are better things ahead for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He knows that had he come to me, with the truth, there's a million different options we could have taken. He just didn't want to. Bottom line.

 

That you see this as a reflection on him and not judgement of you feels like progress. All you can offer a partner is yourself. If that's not enough, that choice is on him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

because he said nothing that would make me think otherwise.

 

So, he never said nothing about your sex life? Not a little hint? You sound like a wonderful wife to me, who's prepared to meet her husband's needs even in difficult and challenging times. I find it strange that he would not say anything and detach like that, to be honest. From his comments, and as a man, I gather that maybe you were too focused on the children and life in general and he felt left out, maybe pushed away. He wanted to be closer to you. Difficult to say, though. I understand his feelings (because I have been in the same situation but with a wife who wouldn't communicate to me). What I don't understand is why he didn't say anything.

[elaine567]

He didn't say anything because he was already contemplating other options.

He didn't want to give them up in the face of an understanding wife.

The last thing he wanted was to discuss or to try to "fix" things, he had a plan and forged ahead with that plan.

He was preparing to leave and didn't want to hear any logical or rational reasons as to why he may be wrong and should not go.

He thus looked for reasons to justify his actions and he found them. no marriage is perfect, it is easy with the right mindset to pick it apart.

 

It is a common narrative, often present in cheating wives.

The husband compared to the OM, is less than, he is not this, he is not that, he is just not wanted no matter how objectively "good" he may be.

He can do no right. She is halfway out the door, the problem cheating wives tend to have is that the OM does not want a real relationship and she thus often gets stuck in the marriage.

OWs on the other hand tend to be only too happy to accept a MM willing to leave his marriage for her.

 

Here I guess dutytowarn could do no right, he wasn't listening, he was going out that door regardless...

[giotto]

 

Here I guess dutytowarn could do no right, he wasn't listening, he was going out that door regardless...

 

Makes sense...

[Buffer]

He sounds like a pig of a man, to blindside you any your two children.

 

I do feel he has a side piece, and being a selfish person, he withdrew from the marriage and then started his exit plan!

I do believe he HAS to step up regarding the children. They do need counseling as well as you.

 

He sounds like a lost man, only thinking of what is best for him, not the good of family or at least the children and easing of you to look at things his way.

 

Just a pig of a man.

 

All I can offer are big cyber hugs, and hope you start getting answers.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[BluEyeL]

OP, I'm so sorry, this is so tough and unfair to you and the kids!

 

Sounds like your soon to be ex husband is not a good fit for a family life, got bored of being a family man, and wants to have fun and feel young again, with no responsibilities.

 

It's 100% sure there is another woman involved, but she's just the result not the cause of his immature way to see life and marriage, as something that is supposed to give him constant pleasure.

 

Hope you find the strength to build your life and self esteem back and raise your kids to be happy and well adjusted. It's going to take years, but you can do it!

[dutytowarn]

So, he never said nothing about your sex life? Not a little hint? You sound like a wonderful wife to me, who's prepared to meet her husband's needs even in difficult and challenging times. I find it strange that he would not say anything and detach like that, to be honest. From his comments, and as a man, I gather that maybe you were too focused on the children and life in general and he felt left out, maybe pushed away. He wanted to be closer to you. Difficult to say, though. I understand his feelings (because I have been in the same situation but with a wife who wouldn't communicate to me). What I don't understand is why he didn't say anything.

Thank you. I believe I was a great partner. But, that doesn’t prevent or even guarantee happily ever after, as many of us have learned, learning or know.

 

Speaking to my situation, that would require a grown man. A man who had an understanding that continuing to build and preserve trust involves having my best interest at heart, not just his own. A man who put his words to actions, cherishing what we have rather than resenting what’s missing. This is about his lack of confidence, insecurities, ego. I don’t think it would have really mattered if I gave him all the sex he could handle, it would have been something else. Maybe I wasn’t intellectual enough. Maybe I didn’t keep the house just right. Maybe I didn’t give him enough feedback. Maybe I gave him too much. Who knows. I remind myself, everyday, it would have been something.

 

It’s very clear he did not have an interest in preserving anything but himself. Selfish. It just boils down to this basic reality, for me.

 

I surrendered, a long time ago, trying to always read my husband’s mind and over analyze every single word coming from his mouth. I thought this was a good thing...trust. If something was wrong, he would tell me. If I gathered clues, along the way, that seemed to be pointing in a certain direction, I’d ask. If he gave me an answer, I trusted that answer.

 

It’s not that he never said anything. It’s that the “hints” came in the form of what I perceived as an adult conversation about not having enough time together, not specifically about lack of sex. And, we would have a conversation about how to make that time. I asked him, outright. His answer was always the same “No...no, it’s not us, or you, it’s work stress, lack of sleep...I’ll do better.” As his distance became more obvious and his misery seemed very related to being at home, I asked him. I asked him if he was interested in someone else. I asked him if he was bored with our sex life. I asked him if he had been talking with anyone else (female), seeing someone, etc. I saw his guilt. I felt it. I even spoke to him about anyone who might be giving him attention, that he looked forward to talking to or seeing, that might be present in what I was feeling from him. I talked to him about omitting information just because I didn’t ask exactly the right question. I spoke to him about the signs I was seeing and feeling, and how it felt guilt related and that if he could just open up to me, tell me the truth, we could work through anything.

 

So, with the information I was provided, I continued to think of him as a grown a$$ man. If he wanted to have more sex, take a day off work, go in late, go to bed later, plan a date, tell me. I mean, the list is endless. It cannot be one sided. And, honestly, I believed he was mature enough to have an open conversation with me about anything that might be bothering him, even regarding me. I was wrong.

 

When this all went down, I asked him if I had ever given him any reason to feel that he couldn’t come to me and discuss these things. I mean, we were always so open with each other. So, I wanted to know...why?? Why wouldn’t he just say it? He said I had never given him any reason to not feel he could come to me. He said I have always been open, fair, honest, transparent, supportive, loving. But, how do you really come to someone that is loving and supportive, that you know will provide opportunities, solutions, and tell them you’re not happy if what you’re really wanting is out? He didn’t want to solve it. If he had wanted to solve it, he would have opened the door to that conversation. It wouldn’t have been the first time we discussed something “uncomfortable.” He lied to himself first and that made lying to me pretty damn easy apparently. And, he’s still lying to himself.

 

I’m sure there were plenty of times he felt I was “too focused” on the kids. But, even my own kids know how to speak up when their needs are not being met. He could have spoken up. I spoke up. He made a choice, long before including me. That’s on him.