Husband of 25 years blindsided me

[Mr. Lucky]

When this all went down, I asked him if I had ever given him any reason to feel that he couldn’t come to me and discuss these things. I mean, we were always so open with each other. So, I wanted to know...why?? Why wouldn’t he just say it? He said I had never given him any reason to not feel he could come to me. He said I have always been open, fair, honest, transparent, supportive, loving. But, how do you really come to someone that is loving and supportive, that you know will provide opportunities, solutions, and tell them you’re not happy if what you’re really wanting is out? He didn’t want to solve it. If he had wanted to solve it, he would have opened the door to that conversation. It wouldn’t have been the first time we discussed something “uncomfortable.”

 

I know this falls under the category of "closing the barn door after...", but this is exactly why boundaries are so important, especially in a LTR or marriage.

 

If those fences are in place, you don't let your guard down and cross the line separating spouses from members of the opposite sex. So if your marriage is your future, you have interest and equity involved in addressing the problems and making it better.

 

Very different than shuffling one's relationship options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buffer]

Thank you. I believe I was a great partner. But, that doesn’t prevent or even guarantee happily ever after, as many of us have learned, learning or know...

 

It’s very clear he did not have an interest in preserving anything but himself. Selfish...

 

I’m sure there were plenty of times he felt I was “too focused” on the kids. But, even my own kids know how to speak up when their needs are not being met. He could have spoken up. I spoke up. He made a choice, long before including me. That’s on him.

 

DT, just so hurtful.

I had to reed this twice, you couldn’t have asked, or worded your concerns any different. He just seems to not have the skills to communicate it with you, if in fact he did want to.

I think he was looking at how to leave.

As you said children speak up when their needs aren’t being met. He just couldn’t.

 

Again big hugs, I am so sorry for you.

Have you started any IC?

How are you really doing?:bunny:?

[giotto]

“No...no, it’s not us, or you, it’s work stress, lack of sleep...I’ll do better.”

 

Sounds to me he fell out of love with you at some point and he didn't have the balls to tell you. Or maybe he was just having an affair. Or maybe he was just immature, putting himself first. Maybe he couldn't cope with the situation. Hey, I've been guilty of that, but the non-communicating partner was my wife. And, despite our problems, I was shocked when she told me she didn't love me. I thought we were doing much better (I have a thread on here). I too contemplated leaving and divorcing. But we worked through it and I thought we'd managed to bridge some of our differences. How wrong I was!

 

She is light years ahead in terms of detaching... I just started. I understand how you feel and I can't give you any advice. Time will heal your wounds and hopefully mine too.

[dutytowarn]

DT, just so hurtful.

I had to reed this twice, you couldn’t have asked, or worded your concerns any different. He just seems to not have the skills to communicate it with you, if in fact he did want to.

I think he was looking at how to leave.

As you said children speak up when their needs aren’t being met. He just couldn’t.

 

Again big hugs, I am so sorry for you.

Have you started any IC?

How are you really doing?:bunny:?

Buffer, thank you!

 

I have been in counseling, throughout this past year (group and individual). And, in my past, after some very deep loss and managing the grieving process then, I was fortunate to have a psychologist who really helped me with some tools I still use to this day.

 

It really touched me that you asked how I am doing really. I have found, in my own grieving process, there is the story and then there is THE STORY. When people touch on the story outside of the basics, it's not only helpful but meaningful. I really appreciate that. I forget, sometimes, to ask myself these things. Survival mode.

 

I am broken, in many ways. Deeply. At moments, I am so angry, especially at night when I try to sleep and the noise is quiet around me. That's when the memories, words, promises haunt me. Then, the nightmares come. They vary from kissing him, and feeling all the passion I remember and waking to reality, to crying and screaming at him in such a horrible and deeply sad way, that I can't actually get anything out. I wake up crying and screaming. So, the theme has been crying and screaming in many directions. I know this is actually a good thing. One way or another, it will come out.

 

As much as I can be "okay", day to day, take care of my kids, reinvent myself, look forward, I am hurting. The pain is real. The wounds are deep. It will take a lot of time, and effort, to truly let go. And, unfortunately, that process is especially painful because I know I must look at myself. There's no closure to be found from him. No truth. No apology. And, on top of my own pain, I'm helping to manage the pain my kids are experiencing.

 

It pisses me off that he could just walk away. He doesn't have the house to pack up, the memories to look through, the kids schedules, feelings, life, to deal with. He just has himself, his new apartment, new furniture, new art, new dishes, new city, everything new. It pisses me off that so many people go through this sh$t show. I really have to keep myself in check because often I just want to send him my pain in words and words and more words. I remind myself that it's just more ammo for him. There's no growth or learning coming from him right now.

 

Then, there's the love story...the long and beautiful love story that I now reflect on and try to come to terms with. What was real? What wasn't. What was truth? What wasn't. The tears, they do come. But, I have graduated from fetal position in bed and moving through the days like a zombie, to a routine again. I am reclaiming my dignity, bit by bit.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on about this.

 

Thank you so much for your words and support and for asking!

[dutytowarn]

Sounds to me he fell out of love with you at some point and he didn't have the balls to tell you. Or maybe he was just having an affair. Or maybe he was just immature, putting himself first. Maybe he couldn't cope with the situation. Hey, I've been guilty of that, but the non-communicating partner was my wife. And, despite our problems, I was shocked when she told me she didn't love me. I thought we were doing much better (I have a thread on here). I too contemplated leaving and divorcing. But we worked through it and I thought we'd managed to bridge some of our differences. How wrong I was!

 

She is light years ahead in terms of detaching... I just started. I understand how you feel and I can't give you any advice. Time will heal your wounds and hopefully mine too.

I read through your posts. Wow. I'm so sorry. I appreciate your honesty and ability to take responsibility. Really such a long journey you've been through. How are your kids managing now? Are you guys still living together? I didn't see, or maybe missed that part.

[giotto]

How are your kids managing now? Are you guys still living together? I didn't see, or maybe missed that part.

 

 

There is another thread with an update...

 

We are separating now. Some months ago, my wife decided unilaterally to withdraw the sexual side of the marriage (many reasons: our problems, menopause, empty nest syndrome, depression, her mental illness), and this is not ok with me. I have no alternative. I miss the intimacy and bond with my wife and I would be very unhappy without it. So, despite still loving her, I have decided it's better if I go. She's also told me she doesn't love me anymore. The last 10 years have been a lie. I can see she is very detached already, whilst I'm still at the early stages because I didn't suspect. I still believed things were better. So, I can relate to your situation. I'm seeing a therapist. My kids are all over 18 now... sorry for the OT!

 

Stay strong. I know it's all words for you right now. I know how you feel, but I don't have any advice. I have no closure either.

Edited July 27, 2019 by giotto

[dutytowarn]

There is another thread with an update...

 

We are separating now. Some months ago, my wife decided unilaterally to withdraw the sexual side of the marriage (many reasons: our problems, menopause, empty nest syndrome, depression, her mental illness), and this is not ok with me. I have no alternative. I miss the intimacy and bond with my wife and I would be very unhappy without it. So, despite still loving her, I have decided it's better if I go. She's also told me she doesn't love me anymore. The last 10 years have been a lie. I can see she is very detached already, whilst I'm still at the early stages because I didn't suspect. I still believed things were better. So, I can relate to your situation. I'm seeing a therapist. My kids are all over 18 now... sorry for the OT!

 

Stay strong. I know it's all words for you right now. I know how you feel, but I don't have any advice. I have no closure either.

What does OT mean?

 

I know exactly what you mean regarding being in the early stages of detaching, while they have been for a long time. And, no closure. Bleh!

 

My oldest is over 18 as well. Youngest is 13. My oldest won't speak to him at all. The youngest sees him a couple times a month.

 

Sorry to be meeting you (and many others here) under these circumstances, but I really appreciate your support and feedback.

[dutytowarn]

So, I'm pretty thoughtful today and you have all been so incredible in my healing process. I thought I'd post a little something I wrote about all the mistresses in my husband's life. That is everything from hobbies, online to other women, in person. I hope you all don't mind me sharing.

 

________________________________________________________

 

We were aware of you, even before we married. We spoke about your trickery. How you slip into vulnerable stages of relationships, and make yourself available. We spoke about your temptations, justifications, and denials. We discussed your disguises. And, we promised we would always let the other know if we suddenly found ourselves making room for you. We would be open, honest, transparent. We spoke of how these promises would reduce the risk of you, create boundaries for you, create immunity of you.

 

But, then it began. Slowly. Surely. It began.

 

You were powerful! Fueled by no back story, no unmet needs, no unfilled expectations, no crisis, no health problems, no communication issues, no failures, no mistakes, no wounds, no kid interruptions, no schedule conflicts, no disappointments. You were the master of the new, seducer of curiosity, the mirror of validation. You were simply there to please the needs of the vulnerable. You were sneaky, manipulative, seductive and convincing. You inspired the best in him and he only saw the best in you. The reassurance that he is good, without making any demands on him. Reinforcing his desire to feel vital outside of our marriage. You filled him with adrenaline, the rush of secrecy, rebellion. You were the vacation from his everyday life. All the realities that I maintained while he was making more room for you and less room for me.

 

You came in different ways along the way.

 

Adventurous nature, active lifestyle, witty exchanges, energetic and youthful energy, availability, flirtatious gratitude, “like-minded” interests, attentive responses, accepting cues, cunning beauty, perfectly staged photos, creative, professional, driven, injured, untouched landscapes, weekends, weekdays and evenings away, no contact, emergencies, meetings, e-mails, text messages, phone calls, lunch dates, coffee dates, shared personal information, invites, thoughts, ideas, private jokes, banter.

 

Your clever strategies fooled even me.

 

I supported you as his hobbies, co-workers, acquaintances. I set aside weekends for you. I made last minute adjustments for you. I trusted you as I watched him plan for you, spend money on you, brag about you. I understood when he spent time alone with you. I accepted no contact for you. When you called on him, he ran. When he ran, I waited. When he had free time, he provided so many reasons to see you. And, when he didn’t have free time, he made his schedule fit you. When he didn’t respond to his family, he responded to you. He never forgot a date with you. He planned for you.

 

You fed his growing voids, his ego, you listened to him and eventually, you were the exclusion of his wife and family. A new tribe. A life that you helped convince him that he needed. That he must have denied himself. Missed out on.

 

I lost pieces of my dignity, and myself, each time I detected you and was offered stress or lack of sleep as his explanation for my absence, in his behavior and his lack of consideration.

 

I asked him about you.

 

When you kept coming up in conversations, when my texts went unanswered, when he began putting more time and energy into his looks, when his absences became more frequent and unannounced, I asked him about you. When he did something special for you, but forgot me, I asked about you. When he noticed you and dismissed me, I asked about you. When he became more critical of me and more accepting of you, I asked about you. When he no longer opened doors for me, walked ahead of me, didn’t introduce me, withdrew love and affection, stopped being attentive to my needs, didn’t make plans for me, didn’t compliment me, stopped sharing with me, stopped consulting me and consulted you, I asked about you. And, when he came home with a dismissive look in his eyes, two beers under his breath, stressed posture and disconnected response, I asked about you.

 

But there you were, in the presence of his defenses, denial and excuses, instead of the willing responsibility of reassurance, care, and truth. In his language, “I don’t know” “I will try harder” “I tried my best” “I can’t” instead of “I guarantee” “I promise,” you took solid root in his fall from the commitment to our union.

 

And there, in his arena of “I don’t know,” my suspicions and questions were received as unreasonable or unreachable expectations. My inquiries regarded as interrogation. I was the one who asked too much of him, demanded too much of him. And, even though I saw you, felt you, tried to identify you, fight you off, he protected you. My instincts no longer honored, but a threat to these important additions in his life. I was reduced to the insecure and desperate outsider, in my own marriage. And you seeped into an emotional territory previously reserved for me. A place I once had free and exclusive access to became off-limits and private. I was now waiting in the que with the rest.

 

When his focus was on you, I’m sure it felt irresistible. You forgot (or maybe didn’t even know) he had a wife and children, because his attention made you feel like the only priority. He didn’t offer you excuses. He was present. He made you feel heard, special and appreciated. And, his fantasy of you became his resistance to healing our marriage. You were the ongoing dance with his ego, fully funded and staffed by his insecurities, justifications and denial.

 

As you helped him rewrite our history, he planned his exit strategy.

 

You didn’t discourage him. You felt bad for him. You offered comfort exclusively to him.

 

You keep his secrets.

 

His sensibilities took a dormant position so he didn’t have to face the truth that it was never too late, but a choice. The perfect opportunity of betrayal, to himself first. There, he created an army of suspended morals and values that became the driving force behind reprogramming his priorities and blindsiding his family.

 

You demanded more of him and he complied.

 

I demanded more of him, and he left.

 

Despite the pain you have caused, your efforts and attempts to match my endurance and strength have failed. In the wake of your damage, I am no longer afraid of you, terrified of what you will do next. I am no longer willing to chase a partner who broke our vows, humiliated me. I no longer desire to try and repair his ambivalence towards me, our marriage.

 

I am okay. I do not need him to survive.

 

But you are a vulture who must feed on him for your survival. And when he digests the truth, the reality of his own choices:

 

And he will.

 

When his remorse reveals that you were the trade of temporary pleasure for permanent regret:

 

Because you are.

 

When empathy emerges and humility returns:

 

Because it will.

 

You will no longer function.

 

But I will.

 

On my own.

 

Without him or you!

 

I'm patient.

 

I'll wait.

[Buffer]

Hi DT;

 

 

So well writen, your thoughs discride who you are and how our are thinking. Always of thining of him and others; before yourself.

Please start on yourself, you are doing IC, embrace this.

Put you and the children first, then others.

Packing up the house hold memories will put you through the roof with triggers. As the mind will go where you don't want it to.

One hour at a time, if need be then later one day at a time etc.

Just go for a walk if you can, fresh air, sun, depending where you are the sounds of life marching on.

Gym, book clubs etc all are there when you are ready.

Children are unicorns and butterflies. This is hard to do when you have to do everything and he just moves on. I understand.

One hour at a time.

I won't tell you you will be ok but, just look in the mirror at the strong beutiful person looking back at you. I realy feel for you right now.

One hour at a time.

 

Please take care, you are you!

[giotto]

What does OT mean?

 

 

 

Off topic...

[giotto]

So, I'm pretty thoughtful today and you have all been so incredible in my healing process. I thought I'd post a little something I wrote about all the mistresses in my husband's life. That is everything from hobbies, online to other women, in person. I hope you all don't mind me sharing.

 

 

That was a painful read...

[mark clemson]

That was a very nice post. OMs and OWs should probably read it to help increase their compassion towards the BS. They have their own side of things and certainly they don't walk through any doors that the Wayward isn't holding open for them. That said, I very much think that a lot of what you wrote is often true.

[Acacia98]

dutytowarn, first of all, you have my sympathy. I can only imagine how difficult your experience of loss has been.

 

Something has stood out to me in all your descriptions of your husband. I get the impression that he's never carried his fair share of the load where your kids are concerned. I mean there's even a bit where it sounds like he felt neglected because you were focusing on the kids (something that was actually necessary--little kids can't raise themselves). You know what I asked myself when I read that? I asked myself why he didn't share that responsibility with you so that you could complete tasks faster and then have more time to focus on each other.

 

I noticed you mentioning you had a disabled daughter. And it seemed like you were handling that responsibility on your own for the most part. And I noticed you mentioning that he hadn't done much to maintain his relationship with the kids in the aftermath of your separation (Is that the right word for what you guys are doing right now?).

 

Am I wrong in my view that your husband has not done as much as he should in his role as a father? I really get the impression that the kids belong to you alone, not to the two of you. And I can't help thinking that, if my view is accurate:

1. it was only a matter of time before you guys separated.

2. you are likely better off without him.

[vla1120]

DTW, I just read what you wrote about the "mistresses." I'm sobbing like a baby. Clearly, I have unresolved resentment from my first (32-yr) marriage. Thank you for invoking those emotions.