When nothing is the same

[Hurtwoman]

This is probably going to be a long one but just so lost and angry.

 

 

I met my husband 12 years ago, it was chaotic, intense, passionate, and mutually beneficial while still being destructive. We were 20/21, drinking ALOT and not wanting to deal with life problems.

We got passed that phase came out the other side together. With a few road bumps on both sides.

 

We became this fierce couple, protected each other and were ride or die for each other.

 

We got married 6 years ago, around that time i was told i wouldnt be able to have children. After 5 miscarriages that news was devestating to me but my husband kept me up.

 

September 2015 by some crazy miracle I became pregnant, and it stuck.

 

December 2015 my mother in law suffers massive asthma attack, ends up on life support with machines being stopped on christmas eve. With no father in the picture and a drunk of an older sibling my husband stepped up for his 3 younger siblings.

 

1 month later i went into labour at 23 weejs and was put on strict bedrest. My husband did it all, even with me being a nag.

 

Our daughter waa born in may healthy and happy as can be.

 

First mothers day without my mil came and went.

Three weeks later mt husband qas accepted into a medical program he tried so hars to get into.

 

Then things started to.change. he would become short with me. Holidays every single one became just an outlet of pure anger from him.

 

Then my grandma passed. My whole world was this woman. He took time off school watched our daughter so i could be with her every minute ans hold her hand while she took her last breath. He was detached but was trying.

 

Over this next 3 years when he would drink he would become just an ass, become rude or annoyed and i let it go. Its hard his mom was his only parent he lost her too soon and suddenly. He has a right to his grief and if i verbally had to take it i would.

 

Then December 2018 he does something that puts him on notice at school, he might be kicked out. He lies to me tells me one thing, which would make the school wrong so i start researching get the information to fight. When he finally admits he made a huge error in judgment got caught and that's why hes in trouble. I waa ahocked the new adult he grew into would NEVER do what he did even if the old 20 year old version would.

 

I was so hurt, mad, disappointed but still stood by him.

Things worked out he spoke to everyone involved admitted his mistake and was awarded a second chance.

 

Then January comes around. We take a trip to mexico for his sisters wedding. The first night the girls went ouy and he has a few drinks seema annoyed but keeps it together. The next day is the wedding. Inwas wth the girls all day and he stayed at the beach with our daughter.

He proceeded to get completely black out drunk, with nonregard for our childs safety, not to mention misses the wedding where he was supposed to walk his sister down the aisle.

 

Then he passes out and comes too a few hours later. Where im furious. Tell him whar he did and all the bad things that could happen to our child. He is still drunk and proceeds to verbally attack me for hours. With our daughter present. I record all of his attacks so he will hear it all the next day as i know he wont remember.

He ruined the entire vacation. The family was furious, i was furious our child was actinf out because of whar she witnessed.

 

We came back and i told him he needs therapy and that i will no longer enable the destructive way hes handling his grief.

 

Fast forward to now. Schools done got a great paying job and i just found out bt some crazy miracle for the second time im pregnant.

 

He hasnt gone to therapy yet but assured me he was wuen he got his first real pay cheque.

 

Though hes had a few beers here and there he hasnt gotten drunk ans has had a better attitude for the most partt with a few slip ups where he recognizes his behaviour right away.

 

Now he went and started smoking again, didnt tell me, hid it and i only found out because i took his sweater and the smokes were in there.

 

In the scheme of thinga the act isnt that awful but the lying and deceiving is what gets me. Also when asked he blamed me for lying. That i would vbe unresonable so i didnt tell you. Excuse me.. you lied and its mt fault???

 

It feels like when given the choice the do the right thing or thr wrong thing he will just do the wrong thing and then i just have to deal.

 

Im furious at him its like the straw that broke the camels back. Why am i supposed to deal with all this.

 

He wasnt great back in the day and sometimes i wonder is he a bad guy who pretended to be good or is he a good guy who does bad things sometimes.

 

Im so tired of being disappointed. I am not a victim i dont stay in bad situations for anything.

 

I hate what hes turning our marriage into. I hatr what hes making me deal with and i hate that i have to now sit and wonder what's next.

 

What am i doing here.

 

What do i do?

Edited July 13, 2019 by Hurtwoman

[schlumpy]

Sounds as if you had a rough start from the beginning and didn’t a get chance to lay a solid foundation for your marriage. Life started coming at you hard with the deaths of loved ones, miscarriages, fears of never being a mother and then the miracle baby. It’s the ebb and flow of life. Nothing that thousands of other couples have not had to deal with, but you have a lot of inner strength within you to get this far.

 

I do see a strong sense of family loyalty displayed by your husband. You gave him credit for it when he took care of you during your bedrest and when he took off from school because of your grandmother’s illness. He deserves that credit but it’s not enough to make up for his self-destructive behavior. You appear to be the only adult in the room.

 

Your first step is to eliminate alcohol. No more drinking. He obviously cannot handle it, so he must give it up permanently. If he is unwilling to do this then your chances of staying together can only be measured by how long you can tolerate the situation. I read that you are very near the end right now.

He doesn’t need to wait for his first check to go to an AA meeting. He is making excuses. Don’t give in on this. I feel very sure that if he won’t take this step your marriage is gone. Every other complaint you have is moot until this is taken care of.

 

I suspect that your husband will have more trouble than most giving up his addiction. The reason for that is that he started smoking again while dropping off his alcohol intake. Addicted people will fool others into thinking they are clean by substituting another drug or drugs in place of the one they were abusing. If he quits drinking, he may start taking prescription or illegal drugs as a substitute since it is easier to hide. There are people that are addicted to alcohol and then there are people with an addictive disorder. Let’s hope he is the former. Keep your radar up and batten down the hatches because there is rough weather ahead.

 

Best Wishes

[Mr. Lucky]

sometimes i wonder is he a bad guy who pretended to be good or is he a good guy who does bad things sometimes.

 

Like most, he's probably both. However, he is an alcoholic.

 

Like all addicts, alcoholics are not just self-destructive, they're dangerous to those closest to them. The vision of him blacked out on the beach with your daughter there is enough to give one chills. He needs treatment - rehab, AA meetings, counseling or some combination of all of the above. Otherwise, things will simply get worse.

 

I'd give him one chance to get into a program and work on his addiction. Failing that, you should take the steps necessary to provide a healthier environment for you and your family. At some point, he's responsible for his own outcome as you are for yours.

 

Tough situation. Hope you're strong enough to do the right things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, I agree with the others. Your husband is a functioning alcoholic who at times, is not functioning very well at all. He needs to get into treatment, including counselling. I would make that a prerequisite to keeping his marriage.

 

The two of you seem to have a classic codependent relationship. Have you had counselling for yourself? If not, it would be a good idea for you to explore some counselling and/or an Al-Anon group. There is a lot that you both can learn.

 

I am very sorry to hear about all the loss. You’ve had a lot of trauma, personally and in your marriage. I wish you well.

[Hurtwoman]

Thank you for everyone that got through my whole long story.

I spoke with him this morning, we cried, we talked and he said things and i said everything.

 

He agrees that he definitely cant be drinking. He worked so hard over tbe last few years beating his demons and after his mom he felt like how could he be so weak. He told me mexico scared him more then he can even explain. He loves our daughter more then life itself.

He said he made an appointment with a cousellor he got a referral from our family doctor and has asked if i would be willing to go through marriage counselling with him as well.

 

Hes apologized for everything he doesn't know why he continues to self sabotage, he knows he needs help. He also offered to leave if i need the space.

 

I can see hes in pain i can see that he loves me. Im just so worried that our love wont be enough. Like being in it i cant see a future where things are back to where we were our good healthy times.

 

I myself have done counselling. I grew up with an addict of a father who verbally and physically abused my mom myself and my sisters. So as an adult i decided to get help for that trauma.

 

I never in a million yeara expected to need to go in for any trauma caused by the one man who protected me loved and was down for me.

 

I feel numb sometimes

I feel sad other times

And i feel angry a lot of the times.

[BaileyB]

As an adult, you have also found yourself in a similarly drama filled relationship with an addict. Do you see the parallels there...

 

That said, I would be very encouraged that he is taking the steps he needs to make this better. Individual and marital counselling is a good first step, for both of you.

 

I have hope that you will be able to turn this around. You have the absolute best reason to do it - your child. Good luck!

[preraph]

This sounds like alcoholism has caught up with him and he can certainly use therapy, but I think first, he needs AA.

[elaine567]

I met my husband 12 years ago, it was chaotic, intense, passionate, and mutually beneficial while still being destructive. We were 20/21, drinking ALOT and not wanting to deal with life problems.

 

As an adult, you have also found yourself in a similarly drama filled relationship with an addict. Do you see the parallels there...

 

^^^ so true.

History repeating.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hes apologized for everything he doesn't know why he continues to self sabotage, he knows he needs help.

 

Addicts undermine their chances for success in both family and career with depressing regularity. There’s a cycle involved only he can break, and that won’t happen absent complete buy-in in a treatment or counseling program.

 

Again, I’d give him a chance to do so by explaining the consequences of continued drinking...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

I can see hes in pain i can see that he loves me. Im just so worried that our love wont be enough. Like being in it i cant see a future where things are back to where we were our good healthy times.

 

I feel numb sometimes

I feel sad other times

And i feel angry a lot of the times.

 

When were these "healthy" times you speak of? You certainly didn't start off healthy and you aren't healthy now. In the middle there were several enormous distractions that took place, then your husband fell off the proverbial wagon, which he was more than likely barely on to begin with.

 

He was an alcoholic when you met and you kind of encouraged this behavior. He's an alcoholic now and you are losing patience for him. You have received counseling while he is just starting his. He is so far behind you in every facet of the relationship and this is going to cause major problems if you dont support him the way he did you with your first pregnancy. Don't be surprised if his counseling takes a huge toll on the marriage, it's going to be a rough road, be prepared.

[Hurtwoman]

Well he went through therapy as well dealing with his addiction issues and the things he did while in the midst of his addiction. There was a good 6-7 years where we were both healthy, dealt with our issues talked he opened up anytime he had any cravings.

 

I suppose it was the healthiest time in both our lives because we moved away from our families our toxic/triggering to a city 5 hours away.

 

Maybe that was just rubbing away then and not actually being better.

 

Hes a kind loving soul.. but the last four years hes been different losing his mom turned him into the worst version of himself.. i definitely want to hold on and not my impatient but i also have one child with one on the way and i always promised to make sure they grow up in the healthy environment i didnt get.

 

I guess we will see what happens and if/when therapy starts.. who knows maybe this death was so life altering the man i grew up with is no longer there.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's a kind loving soul.. but the last four years hes been different losing his mom turned him into the worst version of himself..

 

Tough losing a parent, but to let that define the next 4 years of your life when you’ve got your own family to engage with indicates bigger issues involved here. Add in the drinking and abusive behavior and it certainly calls into doubt his ability to be a stable parent.

 

You can’t wish and hope him better. Unless he shows some determination on his own, time to focus on your kids and yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Tough losing a parent, but to let that define the next 4 years of your life when you’ve got your own family to engage with indicates bigger issues involved here.

 

Speaking from experience, losing a parent rather suddenly and traumatically is life altering, but if you haven’t found a way to deal with it and put it in perspective four years later... it does speak to the fact that there are bigger issues here that need to be addressed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Speaking from experience, losing a parent rather suddenly and traumatically is life altering

 

Agreed. My Dad was ill for a long time so I guess we had some chance to prepare. But my Mom went quick and she was such a center of our extended family it left a real and lasting void.

 

But at some point during the grieving process, it occurred to me the last thing she'd want would be for her passing to lessen my ability to be there for my wife and kids. She was "family first", and I wouldn't have honored her memory by neglecting mine.

 

And for four years? She would have smacked me upside the head...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

But at some point during the grieving process, it occurred to me the last thing she'd want would be for her passing to lessen my ability to be there for my wife and kids. She was "family first", and I wouldn't have honored her memory by neglecting mine.

 

So true.

 

Five years after my mom’s death, my brother and I talked and we both said the same thing... On the day she died, it felt like life would never be “good” again. She was the centre of our family, and the trauma of her death was so raw. But, five years later... He had bought a new home, raised his kids, and actually had another child. I had traveled, bought a new home, and met the love of my life. My dad has had a more difficult time but even he was in a relationship with another woman, he had travelled, and he was enjoying life again... we both lamented, just how proud we were that not only had we survived that loss, but we had continues to grow... I know my mom would have wanted nothing less for us and I’m certain that she smiles down, we could feel her pride.

 

That’s where your husband needs to get to OP. A worthy goal indeed.