Jyklle Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Hi, I’m new. Just wanted to ask... has anyone ever told the wife or someone close to them about the affair to get revenge on the married man? Only asking if the married man ever wrong you and you wanted to get back at them? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 So, you get back at the man who “wronged” you by hurting an innocent woman? No thank you, I’m not that kind of person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 We hurt them by withdrawing attention and removing contact … not giving extra attention by means of hurting other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jyklle Posted July 14, 2019 Author Share Posted July 14, 2019 Not asking for me, but in general. Playing devils advocate but is it hurting an innocent woman or helping her making me an informed decision? Shouldn’t she know what is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If a woman came and informed me that my husband had been cheating with them, I'd tear her to shreds. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Not asking for me, but in general. Playing devils advocate but is it hurting an innocent woman or helping her making me an informed decision? Shouldn’t she know what is happening. I don't think suddenly "being concerned about the betrayed spouse" when the husband pisses you off qualifies as helpful. The time to care about the well-being of the betrayed spouse is when you're first deciding whether or not to be the person eagerly accepting the (morals of) the betrayer. There is a moment a conscious decision occurs ("Am I this type of person or am I not?").....usually the betrayed spouse does not factor into this decision making process. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Not asking for me, but in general. Playing devils advocate but is it hurting an innocent woman or helping her making me an informed decision? Shouldn’t she know what is happening. If you tell, apologize to her and own your part in the affair. You knew going in he was married. You can't put all the blame on him. (the you's are general you's not directed at anybody in particular) Also, those thoughts of 'she needs to know what is happening' never is in a OW's mind when the affair is going well....Usually wanting to tell thoughts are there when the is not going well anymore or it's about to end or has ended. Tell your friend the best revenge is to walk away and fix herself/better herself so she can heal in a healthy way and move on with her life without looking back. Revenge is malicious and calculated and many of times can blow up in your face Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Not asking for me, but in general. Playing devils advocate but is it hurting an innocent woman or helping her making me an informed decision? Shouldn’t she know what is happening. Well, that intends on the intent of the individual doing the telling. If that person was so concerned about the wife, why is she sleeping with her husband? The time to show concern and/or tell the wife is long past at at point... which makes the intent seem a little less than altruistic. Don’t you think? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If a woman came and informed me that my husband had been cheating with them, I'd tear her to shreds. And then, I would turn my attention to my cheating husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jyklle Posted July 14, 2019 Author Share Posted July 14, 2019 Thanks all! Always interesting getting people’s perspective about affairs. What’s very interesting is a lot of times the OW feels very righteous about not telling the wife and seems to care for the wife’s feelings, but during the entire affair where was the care? Ya know what I mean? But I agree being malicious and vengeful never ends well, and it usually ends terrible for the person causing the damage. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 What you describe is not revenge it's cowardice. 'Revenge' is word people use to imply power but the action you describe clearly comes from a place of weakness. You'd merely be the desperate loser crying: "If I can't have him.. no one can" and that scorched-earth level of contempt is about as low as you can go. The time to tell the betrayed wife is BEFORE (and instead of) running around with her husband. This is what it means to let her make informed decisions. By the time you're talking 'revenge' you've already stripped her of the right to make decisions or to even be informed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Many people tell the wife to punish the MM (and the wife, who they feel contempt for). It doesn't always have the effect they expect, as many MMs are dedicated cheaters and liars who will simply spin the OW as a crazy stalker. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 I am all for an ow/om telling the spouse, but I don't see how doing it for "revenge" helps anyone, especially as if thy are angry enough to want some payback, they may end up spilling the beans in a way that causes even more hurt than is necessary. The BS gets hurt, and the ow/om does too, as afterwards, they may feel even worse than they did before they told. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 In my opinion, many times the betrayed spouse already knows that something is in the wind and is just turning their face away from it. You would not be doing this spouse any favors by confronting them with the affair. They have already created an internal balance within themselves that allows them to get past the roguish behavior of their SO. I had a couple of friends like this when I was in service. She would have stayed with him regardless. For the rest of the Betrayed spouses I would say flip a coin because half may not want to know and half may very much want to know. I would be part of the half that wants to know because of a simple principle. I need to be in control of my own life. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 I’m not gonna lie, at the height of my anger and sadness it crossed my mind. Like the comment above mentioned, some BS’s wanna know, some don’t. Some have a hunch something is happening and they’ll just turn a blind eye and keep playing the happy family. And what’s to say the wife won’t go after you, there’s plenty of women willing to forgive the husband but hellbent on destroying the OW, just look at that “she’s a homewrecker” site. At this point I don’t even care. Deep down I’m satisfied knowing he will never forget me; he’ll spend the rest of his life stuck in his miserable marriage and I guarantee he’ll cheat again, that’s his karma. I don’t have to do a damn thing because I was too good for him anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 My xH cheated on me, I would NOT have welcomed one of his OW telling me. And I don't believe any OW who does tell does it to "help" the wife to make informed decisions. I was involved with a MM, never thought for a second of telling his BW. Besides being sure she already knew her husband was unfaithful, what possible unselfish motive would I have had to do so? The time to worry about HER would be before getting involved with her husband. As for revenge, exactly what would an OW be getting revenge for? Choosing to get involved with a married man and finding out he would treat her just as badly as he treated his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 I don’t have to do a damn thing because I was too good for him anyway. You are soaked with grief. I can feel it right through the virtual ink and paper. There is a site called "The Chump Lady" and she has a post concerning a program called "The 180." It could be located on this site but I can't direct you to it, perhaps someone else can. The 180 is designed to get you to focus on yourself and detach from the object of your desire. The emotional space created should allow clearer thinking on your part and thus better decision making. I'm sorry for the emotional trauma you are experiencing. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If I was going to do it, it would be because he did something really egregious to me. I wouldn't do it directly or have actual contact with her. I'd drop something in the mail at most and just say "Your husband is cheating on you." But I wouldn't expect her to believe it, though it would probably cause a fight amongst them. But it is hypocritical for a woman to aid a man having an affair by sleeping with him and then act all "caring" for the wife. So yes, it would strictly be revenge on him, because obviously you don't really care about her or you'd never have done it. Which is why the wife is going to take the info with a grain of salt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Seems to me most OWs do not want to rock the boat and even if they get dumped they often still want him back. Telling the wife can be seen as a betrayal, many OWs are very loyal to the MM, no matter what he does. The wife is the common enemy. As so many MM if forced to make a choice will choose the wife, many OWs do not want to take the risk of losing him for good. The last thing they want to do is tell the wife and then have him scrabbling around trying to save his marriage and throwing her(the OW) under the proverbial bus, which does tend to happen.. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 I am the OW that told the BW. You are right... I could care less about the BW. I didn't make the commitment to her. I'm a single woman and it was her husband that pursued me. I didn't do it for revenge. I did it because it was necessary for my healing. I did 4 months into NC. Via Instagram I sent her a brief message and then deleted the app. My message said I loved her husband and that we had been involved for the last 2 years and had sex. She blocked me after a few days and then he blocked me a few days after that... so I know there was at the very least a confrontation about it. I have no idea what the outcome was. It's been months now since that happened. He told me after the 1st time we had sex that he stared the A with me as revenge against her because he was a BH. At the time that really hurt, I now get great satisfaction knowing or at the very least hoping they are fighting over me. I hope the seed of doubt is planted and eventually the BW will give him what he deserves... in this case it sounds like an endless circle of cheating on each other. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Seems to me most OWs do not want to rock the boat and even if they get dumped they often still want him back. Seems to me that many OWs absolutely do want to rock the boat - in the hopes of forcing the marriage to break up so that he'll "have" to choose the OW. It's just that it's not a good idea and tends not to work that way. Confessing to the BW is not necessarily a bad thing (she deserves to know, it's up to her what she does with that information) but expecting things to play out the way you want them to is foolish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Seems to me most OWs do not want to rock the boat and even if they get dumped they often still want him back. Telling the wife can be seen as a betrayal, many OWs are very loyal to the MM, no matter what he does. The wife is the common enemy. Telling the wife is the “nuclear option.” It would seem to me that there is no going back after that... I would assume it is usually a last ditch effort to regain some control, some kind of validation, when it’s clear that the OW has lost. Either that, or as somanymistakes says, some kind of misguided attempt to breakup the marriage and get the guy... I can’t imagine a man not having increadible resentment toward the OW in that case. Not likely to achieve the desired result. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 (edited) You are soaked with grief. I can feel it right through the virtual ink and paper. ..... Thank you for your well wishes. I WAS soaked with grief months ago when he suddenly broke up with me, but I’ve gotten much better. All the advice here on LS has helped me with the healing process and I appreciate it. One advice i’d give to anyone going through this is to never make any important decisions when you’re in an emotional state. It’s just not worth it, the best revenge you can get is moving on and living your best life. After the affair fog lifted I realized I don’t know the person I claimed to love so much, he’s deceitful, he’s a coward, and these are qualities I wouldn’t want in a life partner. Sure I have my days when I miss him because hey I’m only human, but I’m glad I’m moving on with my life. I hope everyone on this site can find peace eventually. Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Living well truly is the best revenge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Living well truly is the best revenge. Agreed. Without doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts