Turns out the woman I'm dating is married

[Reltubsirch0412]

Yes, I found out this week the woman I'm dating is married...and I didn't find out from her. I found out from a friend who asked around about her.

 

When confronted, she admitted it.

 

I already knew she was married for 20 years. She told me she and the guy haven't been together in two years. I assumed that meant they were divorced. They have no children together.

 

But for the past two years they stayed married. When I confronted her, she said it was because "when you've been with someone for 20 years it's difficult to let go."

 

They haven't lived in the same house for two years. They haven't been together sexually in two years.

 

I'm not happy that she didn't make this clear from the get-go. I really liked her before. And she STILL wants very badly to pursue a relationship with me. I told her it was over, but she persisted and told me she and her husband are filing for divorce this week and she wants me to reconsider. She says I make her very happy, and she might even be in love with me.

 

In her defense, she told me that I never technically asked if they were divorced...and if I had she would have told me they were still married but living separately. She also said she planned to tell me about everything sometime this week.

 

The husband knew about me previously. He even sent me a smarmy message on Facebook (before all this drama broke out) "hoping you have a good life with my wife." I didn't respond to it....but I wondered why he didn't refer to her as his EX-wife.

 

AFTER all this drama broke out, the husband actually called me on the phone and confirmed everything she told me. It was a very friendly conversation. He confirmed they haven't been together in two years. That they stayed married because, after 20 years, letting go is hard, and they haven't been together sexually in two years.

 

He also told me his wife is crazy about me, and he wants her to be happy and that she and I have his full blessing.

 

I've spent the past week plenty busy at work and unable to put all my thoughts together....all the while she keeps asking me to get back with her. But I am deliberating all my thoughts, and I plan to ask her several questions tomorrow. These are not gonna be softball questions either. These are going to be HARD questions. Then I'll deliberate and make a decision.

 

She knows I'm unhappy about this.

 

I enjoy this woman's company, and I am attracted to her. And before all this broke out I was developing feelings of my own.

 

My questions:

 

Am I crazy for even thinking of giving this woman a second chance? Or I making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

Are there any questions you suggest I pose to her?

 

What other advice do you have for me?

[spiderowl]

I was in a similar situation to this woman. I had separated from my (now ex)-husband, was living separately, and intended to get divorced. I could not afford a divorce though so basically forgot about it and got on with my life. I saw my ex-husband every so often (because we had young teenage children) and we were basically friends. There was nothing more to it than that.

 

Eventually, we got divorced. Before that, I had had a couple of brief relationships. I told both of the men I dated about the situation. I didn't think anything of it myself because I knew I was living separately from my ex and would never be getting back together with him. I guess from a guy's point of view, they don't know that for sure and getting divorced reassures them.

 

I think what bothers me about your situation is that she did not tell you she was separated and not divorced. Also, she said that she hadn't got divorced 'because it was hard letting go'. Well, that strikes me as strange. I would never have said something like that when I was separated. It is always hard giving up on a marriage but one gives up because it wasn't working. It is clear it wasn't working. I can't imagine not wanting to let go of something that was not working like that. However, they may be different, wanting to separate but basically because they drifted apart or something rather than that the marriage was not working.

 

I don't know, I do find the 'finding it hard to let go' explanation odd. I think she could have told you she was separated not divorced but maybe it didn't occur to her if you didn't ask. I knew it my heart that the marriage was over and that I would not be returning to it. It would not have occurred to me that a guy I might date would need reassuring about that. I was probably a bit naive on that front.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think what bothers me about your situation is that she did not tell you she was separated and not divorced. Also, she said that she hadn't got divorced 'because it was hard letting go'. Well, that strikes me as strange.

 

I agree.

 

Both of the above would give me serious reservations about moving forward with this woman. Coupled with two contacts from her husband, well, these two are still emotionally tied up with each other.

 

I am not sure she is really ready to date again, OP. She lied by omission and the reason she gave as that it's hard to let go. This, in my opinion, is not the behavior of someone who is truly done with her marriage on an emotional level, even if she tells you otherwise.

[schlumpy]

Yes, this is something to give you pause but when confronted she did give the full story which you confirmed and there, on the surface, looks to be more good then bad.

 

You are right to be leery of a relationship with a woman still married. Too many times they go back and sometimes they go back after they are divorced. I think it's better to meet someone with that background a couple of years after they divorce. It's just a safety margin.

 

Did she cheat on her husband? You have access to him and an excellent opportunity to find out. If she did, that would have some bearing on the decision to get back with her.

 

Otherwise, depending on the strength of your feelings, demand some penance and then welcome her back. Just no more deceptions.

 

Best Wishes

[FMW]

I wouldn't recommend that you continue seeing her.

 

She wasn't honest with you about her marital status (purposely using language that would make any normal person think she was divorced).

 

I divorced after 23 years. The excuse for not divorcing of "difficult to let it go" is complete and utter crap. It tells me they don't WANT to let it go. Do you want him in the background all the time?

 

The fact that the husband has had any contact with you at all is just weird.

[smackie9]

Wow dealbreaker and a half......

[OatsAndHall]

A couple of tough things about this situation

 

 

1. She wasn't honest with you about her situation, at all. I don't think she should even be using the term "separated.. She's not even technically "separated"; she is still living with her husband. They might sleep in separate rooms and basically be roommates but she's still not even separated... "Separated" can mean a lot of things (divorce is looming, divorce hasn't been discussed, seeing other people, etc..) but, in my mind, there has to be a complete physical separation (i.e. not living with one another) for that tag to be applied.

 

 

 

2. She may be emotionally split from her husband but they've still been living together. IF she goes through with the divorce, I imagine there are still going to be things she is going to have to sort through. As a divorcee, I can tell you that one thing that hit me hard early on was not having the basic comfort of having my ex-wife around. I was done with her, emotionally and physically but that comfort of having simple company for years as a weird one to move past.

 

 

3. I don't sound like the harbinger of doom here but you're only getting her side of the story. Her husband's side of things might be quite different. You don't know what his take on everything is and that could be an extremely bad thing. She's been shady about this whole situation from the start and there's nothing to say that she's not being completely honest about how he sees the situation. It's just messy all around.

[Reltubsirch0412]

A couple of tough things about this situation

 

 

1. She wasn't honest with you about her situation, at all. I don't think she should even be using the term "separated.. She's not even technically "separated"; she is still living with her husband. They might sleep in separate rooms and basically be roommates but she's still not even separated... "Separated" can mean a lot of things (divorce is looming, divorce hasn't been discussed, seeing other people, etc..) but, in my mind, there has to be a complete physical separation (i.e. not living with one another) for that tag to be applied.

 

 

I never said they were living together. She's still living in the original house. He moved in with a relative.

[S2B]

I can see why you’re upset.

 

She wasn’t OFFERING her truth. I think that’s a character flaw and would wonder what else she is willing to lie about.

 

At the bare minimum I’d explain to her how she ruined the trust in the relationship. I’d also not ever consider seeing her again until the divorce is FINAL.

 

Makes me also wonder who called you - she could have asked another man to call you pretending to be her husband. You have no idea if it was actually him or not. Ask to meet him in person and find out why the marriage ended.

 

At the very least - she’s got issues with being honest - and that’s a dealbreaker for me no matter how nice they are. I don’t like chasing someone’s truth.

[Saracena]

What exactly do you mean by confronting her? What did you say exactly?

 

To me it could very well simply be a case of her assuming you understood she wasn't divorced (or in the absence of any further questions believed you were OK with her simply being separated) and you assuming she was actually divorced!

 

Always best to clarify these sort of things from the get-go!

[S2B]

She kept important information from him for a year. She lead him to believe she was divorced and didn’t offer facts that were important.

 

What he assumed was based on her manipulative info - I’d say that needs clarification - and to let her know she purposely mislead him for a year.

 

Why not confront when it’s that important?

[Reltubsirch0412]

She kept important information from him for a year. She lead him to believe she was divorced and didn’t offer facts that were important.

 

 

I never said she kept it from me for a year. She kept it from me for about a month.

[Veronica73]

A month? You have her ex’s blessing? They have been apart for two years? I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

[preraph]

Are you positive that was her husband on the other end of the phone? Positive?

 

If so, well, fine, sounds like he's ready to be rid of her. But she lied by omission. Tell her you'll consider dating again once she has filed divorce papers. But it will be hell going through a divorce and child custody battle with her. It always is. No matter what.

[Veronica73]

I feel like a lot of people didn’t really read the first post.

[Starswillshine]

I know a lot of people who havent been together for a really long time but havent gone through the divorce process. It is HARD and tough. And brings out a lot of ugly. It costs money, etc. For a lot of people, until there is a good reason to actually get the divorce done, they just wont do it. Often times, that reason is someone coming into the picture that they are serious about.

 

If you have discussed it with her ex, and he confirmed; i dont see an issue with it.

[Reltubsirch0412]

Are you positive that was her husband on the other end of the phone? Positive?

 

If so, well, fine, sounds like he's ready to be rid of her. But she lied by omission. Tell her you'll consider dating again once she has filed divorce papers. But it will be hell going through a divorce and child custody battle with her. It always is. No matter what.

 

As I said in my original post, they had no children.

[S2B]

A month?

 

Ok, just let her go and date someone new.

 

She can lie to someone else - not you.

[PhoenixRising8]

This is an interesting conversation. We touched on this in my thread.

 

I have been separated for almost a year and a half, but not divorced at this point. That may not happen for some time to come as xH and I have yet to reach financial agreement. Heck, I may never divorce him as he wants to take half my inheritance from me (not acknowledge its existence) AND disinherit our daughter because she refuses to have anything to do with him! For anyone who has followed my thread, you know that what he did to our daughter was just malicious. His lack of remorse has gone a long way in her not forgiving him. "Get over it" is his response.

 

If we can't reach a property settlement, we can't divorce and he can't unilaterally disinherit her because our property is jointly held. There is a snowball's chance in hades I would ever reconcile with him, and declined to do so even within the last month. Since I am very unlikely to remarry, which doesn't preclude a significant relationship, I don't see the problem. But it isn't something I'd lead with in a new situation. It also shouldn't prevent me from having a relationship in the future, nor should it be held against me, but sadly it might.

 

You may want to find out from her the reason why the divorce hasn't been done. There may be a valid reason. I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water.

[BTDT2012]

She should have been upfront with you that she was separated but still married. I was separated from my first husband for four years before we got divorced. Our lives were completely separate: no shared assets, no children, no communication. The people that I dated during that time knew that I was separated, not divorced. What you are describing is messy and you were mislead.

[stillafool]

You can bet she's still having sex with her husband. No one says "after being married 20 years it's hard to let go" unless they are still having sex. Plus the husband getting pissed at you tells you everything you need to know. She's just a run of the mill cheater, liar and you would do best to remove yourself from this mess.

[lolita888]

IF they really filed for divorce then why not?

Ask for proof though.

If they haven't then leave. You will just get into a roller coaster of drama.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I agree with others who said the dishonesty is a deal breaker. Hypothetically, she also could have an std and, after you found out she gave it to you, she could say, "Oh, I was JUST about to tell you I have this std!" Pretty much the same reasoning...is this acceptable to you? It shouldn't be. Your gut is telling you this is wrong, and wrong for you, but your other body parts are saying maybe you should give her a second chance.

 

Why do you need her to show you more than once that she's dishonest and selfish? If she weren't, she would have fully disclosed her status the moment she realized this might go somewhere, and then given you the chance to decide what's best for you. She didn't. She was devious, not considering your best interests. Continuing will signal to her that she can proceed being devious and disregard your best interests in other ways because you let her get away with it already.

 

There are so many lovely women out there who would be good to you and make your preferences a priority. Don't settle for less. Otherwise you will pay for it later.

 

If I were you, use your conversation to get any questions you have answered so you can move forward without any unresolved business. Then put lots of space between you. Best of luck!

[Turning point]

Proceed on the basis of what you truly want to explore with this woman and not on the basis of some arbitrary definition of "honesty."

 

To be quite blunt, she doesn't owe you total honesty if you've been dating only a short while. There are plenty of bridges in a new relationship that are best crossed as you arrive at them.

 

You are just as big a risk to her as she is to you - there's no way you arrived at this place wearing a white gown and angel wings. She's not the only one with baggage. Are you fully aware of your own hot buttons and how they may prematurely send you running?

 

Yes, there's some strange things here regarding contact from the estranged husband but, you have time and space to sort that out. Try wading instead of swimming.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Proceed on the basis of what you truly want to explore with this woman and not on the basis of some arbitrary definition of "honesty."

 

Respectfully, I disagree. As someone who rode the rollercoaster of attachment to a married person, proceeding is not good advice. If OP must 'explore this woman,' why not step away until she has truly become available? After all, she stated they've begun divorce proceedings, so shouldn't be an unreasonable amount of time until he can put on his exploration cap.

 

Being married to another person is not just baggage. It's being unavailable to a new partner. A person who is slow to make long term commitments (but still makes themself available) because of past experiences is baggage. Being unable to be available to someone for any reason is beyond baggage, it's emotional unavailability leading to relationship failure because there can not be a healthy, balanced bond when someone is holding back.

 

It's not the responsibility of a partner to sort through someone else's baggage; that responsibility belongs to the baggage carrier. A partner willing to take on someone else's issues as one's own should consider whether he/she is prone to co-dependency/KISA/attachment-avoidance syndromes.