Should I initiate contact? Or keep letting him lead?

[graemillz]

Hello!

 

I am thirty and so is the guy I will talk about. He lives in my hometown which is 5 hours from where I live now. We have a lot of mutual friends but never really met even though we have been Facebook friends. When I was visiting a few weeks ago I posted a picture of me in town and he sent me a message asking me out. It was great and we have a lot in common (both teachers, both love being in community theater, both went to the same college etc.). We really clicked but I had to go leave to my own town the next day. He texted every other day until I ended up coming back to my hometown for another week. We had three dates in that time and it was great! We opened and shared a lot and laughed a lot and are both looking for something serious. The physical chemistry was awesome though I wouldn't let us have actual sex yet...ha. Anyways, I came back to my own town again for 3 more weeks until I go back to my home town for the weekend at the end of the month and I assume would see him then. He has texted a little every other day like before. It's not like we are talking on text in depth like we did in person which is sort of dissatisfying. The whole time I've been following Evan Marc Katz advice on mirroring his actions. So I have not initiated anything at all but have just waited and responded, I think enthusiastically. It's been 3 days since we texted and I am in a place where I know if it is supposed to work out it will so I don't feel desperate but I just really liked our connection and want to know more about him. I personally, would like us to talk on the phone and build a friendship while I'm not in town and see where it goes. However, I feel stuck because I'm doing the mirroring thing. I don't want him to take it as me not being interested though. I wonder if I would turn him off if I reached out and asked how his weekend was and maybe cutely hint that I forgot what his voice sounded like and would like to talk on the phone. Orrrrr should I just sit back and keep waiting for him to reach out first again then do the cute hinting thing. haha. Guys and gals! Tell me your take on it!

Edited July 14, 2019 by graemillz

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not really mirroring his interest if you're never initiating, OP.

 

I don't think it's wise to expect him to be the one reaching out all the time, even if your responses are enthusiastic. Men like to know the woman is interested too and not just responding to him - so take the lead here now and get in touch.

 

Don't play this too coy, or you will likely lose out.

[preraph]

At 30 years old, I don't see why you're going by a playbook. You should both be mature enough to not play games, you know.

 

You should not insist on hearing from him and texting in depth or what will you have to talk about in person? So far, it's been fun in person, but if you had already told him the news of the week before you saw him, it would have been a boring conversation in person and will reduce the chemistry. Don't make that mistake! Plus people get burnt out on having to keep up with someone and dig deep to find things to say to them.

 

Next time you're with him in person, find out how he feels about maybe a weekly phone call (not texting!) and if he's open to it, ask him when is his best time to talk on the phone usually. And then do NOT get mad if he's tied up because calling someone is not a date. People get in the middle of things, grading papers, going to the store, etc. But then you can initiate a phone call, but for God's sake, don't keep him tied up on the phone longer than 20 minutes. He's not your gossipy girlfriend. Y'all are grownups.

 

Also, don't tell him everything about yourself early on. It's only fun getting to know people when there's still things to know about them. Once it becomes repetitious, that's when it becomes tedious. So sounds like you at least are busy and active enough to keep having new things to talk about, but just know that a lot of guys don't want to hear all that stuff your girlfriends like to talk about and it's usually best to avoid any talk about exes other than the cursory vague undetailed "I was married once and it didn't work out."

[graemillz]

Thanks guys! This is really helpful! I know I am thirty and maybe it should seem that I should just know how to date right without using other's advice but to be honest it's really not intuitive. I don't know if it is because of never seeing a healthy romantic relationship growing up and then having a lot of my own failures. I sincerely just want to find a good man and the way I've been dating before hasn't gotten me that so maybe it's hard to trust what to do. Like I said, I don't feel like all the dating rules are intuitive and reading men sometimes isn't either. To be honest, dating scares me sometimes. Especially when I finally meet a guy I really like and connect with!!!! I will reach out. In reality, if we worked out, it would be long distance and probably would see each other once or twice a month so that is why I am wanting to talk on the phone instead of text. Yeah, I don't want to vent all of my life stories to him right away. I can see how that would be unwise and not a natural flow. It's funny because I feel like I'm super great at making platonic friends and maintaining them. I guess there is just a whole set of different rules when it comes to a romantic interest. Which confuses me. I hate dating!!!!

[preraph]

You're making platonic ones because you're talking to them too much when you're not face to face.

 

This is how long distance stuff implodes, though. Most guys can't hang in there without seeing you in person and having sex. If you're long distance, that's an automatic huge obstacle to it becoming anything serious. Talking more won't do anything to help the situation, because without sex, most men are going to get weary of just trying to maintain through talking or texting. Men fall in love mostly with having sex, not just talking. I know it's harsh, and it doesn't mean there aren't guys who also want the companionship and friendship, but it can become a chore long distance to keep something going when there's no end in sight for actually being together.

 

Most long distance stuff just drags on and wastes time. Hoping your situation is such that you might be able to end up where he is permanently so you can give it a shot.

[graemillz]

When I say I am good at making platonic friends I meant that I have good judgement and technique to make good girlfriends and gay guy friends haha. I mean I never am confused how to go about just making friends. I meant that. I don't mean that when I am looking for something romantic it turns platonic. Usually, I am the one letting the guy down then moving on. I guess I just really like this guy and hope it has a chance and want to do things right. You are right though! I have considered moving back to my hometown anyways for a while but couldn't until after a school year so that is the only reason I'm entertaining the idea of something working out with this guy. I've been in LDR too and I know it is sooo hard. You are right though, it may be too much for some people and I can't expect anything even if we would be a really good match. I really struggle with not seeing a person in person for a while too. I will just keep trucking whatever happens.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, it's usually a good idea to let the man lead in the very beginning. You be receptive and welcoming when he reaches out and respond in a timely fashion but after a few dates, you need to do a little more in order for him to feel like he's not doing all the work and have a little more reassurance of your continued interest. You're the one now who is kind of in an out in terms of being available, so reach out a little more now to keep the flame lit. If it were the other way around, you'd be wanting him to show you he's still thinking of you while he's away, right? And, yeah, sure, sometimes when a guy drops off with contact it means he losing interest, but there's a little wrench in this mix so maybe he doesn't know what he should do. He knows you're busy, etc. It's OK for you to reach out a little more now. Do it for a couple of times, and then give the reins back to him, so to speak, so you can observe.

[salparadise]

The whole time I've been following Evan Marc Katz advice on mirroring his actions. So I have not initiated anything at all but have just waited and responded, I think enthusiastically. It's been 3 days since we texted and I am in a place where I know if it is supposed to work out it will...

 

I wonder if I would turn him off if I reached out and asked how his weekend was

 

Ugh, I can hardly believe what I'm reading. I have no idea who this Katz person is, a dating guru I presume, but that is really bad advice. Victorian era bunk. (I'm a man by the way)

 

I want and expect reciprocity, and say so in my online profiles. If a woman never initiates I take it that it's either no interest or she's backwards as can be. I'd lose interest in a week if she wasn't meeting me half way. I agree with other poster, that you aren't even mirroring... mirroring would be initiating about as often as he does. I think you need to unlearn these archaic rules.

 

And the other thing I will challenge... it will work out if it's supposed to. No sweetie, that's simply not true. That may be the lamest platitude I've ever heard. You have agency. Like most other things in life, it will work out if you take initiative and follow though (perhaps with luck as well).

 

Don't let this die for lack of watering!

[graemillz]

Hey. I did reach out and am hoping for a response soon. I guess I was just trying different advice since the last guy I was with was such a man boy. I just want a man man who goes after me. It does make sense though that I should do more of my part too. I hope I haven't screwed anything up. I kind of hated just waiting around feeling helpless. I wish I had more of an intuition with romance. I appreciate all of your perspectives. Maybe I should ask men's opinions more often.

[smackie9]

If you want a man to be interested you have to be flirty and fun, fluff his ego a bit, and contact him here and there. Let him know you are thinking of him with small flirty messages. Save the deep conversations way later. Keep things light, exciting, fun, have some mystery. It's good old fashion sex appeal and a home cooked meal still works to this day to win a man's heart.

[Curiousroxy86]

I personally believe you do not have to intiate. I do believe you should respond positively when he does though. If he contacts you then you can totally flirtatiously request to talk on the phone.

 

guys that like you will contact you as long as you do show that your interested. If you been showing that your interested and he doesn’t contact you then Imo he is not into you enough or he has a hang up that you don’t want to deal with.

 

This is not to say you can’t initiate btw. You can. You just don’t have to

 

Good luck

[DrNo1962]

If you want a man to be interested you have to be flirty and fun, fluff his ego a bit, and contact him here and there. Let him know you are thinking of him with small flirty messages. Save the deep conversations way later. Keep things light, exciting, fun, have some mystery. It's good old fashion sex appeal and a home cooked meal still works to this day to win a man's heart.

 

This.

 

It's not the 1950's anymore. You are allowed to reach out to a man you have interest in.

[graemillz]

Yeah, lesson learned. I will stop listening to dating gurus and try to listen to myself more. Thanks for all your input. I reached out and we texted and I said I had been in a mood to hang out with him though we aren't in the same town. He asked to Facetime me and it was great. We are going to do it more often. If I would have kept waiting for him to reach out this wouldn't have happened. I gotta stop being so damn scared to make any moves and living in the past of my really bad relationships.

[d0nnivain]

It's all about being & projecting self confidence. If you own your actions & are doing things because you are an interesting fun person who wants to share that dynamic with others, all should be well.