Do perceptions change over time?

[simonr]

Hi all.

 

First and foremost, I just want to say thank you to all those who respond to this thread.

 

So I've been working with this company for the past 5 months, and on the first day there I met this wonderful woman. I wasn't attracted to her initially, but we get along really well. It felt like we had known each other for ages. Once I got to know her better, I started developing feelings for her. I even bought her a couple of gifts and sometimes became nervous around her. I think, in fact I'm pretty sure, she's figured out that I've started developing feelings. I say this because she's quite a physically attractive looking woman and I'm sure she can see the 'signs'. I haven't told her about my feelings directly though. Also there have been suggestions from both sides that we should try and hang out outside of work, but nothing concrete happens and it's all just been talk.

 

Given the above, she's tried to hint that she doesn't share the same feelings by calling me her best friend and recently she started calling me her soul brother!

 

So my contract with the company ends in a couple of weeks and once I leave, I plan on going no contact as I feel this will help me deal with the feelings. If I do this, how long do you think it will take for her to forget her image/perception of me? And does no contact mean also that I unfollow her on social media?

 

During this period of no contact, I plan on improving myself, both mentally and physically and I realise that after this I probably won't care about her as much, but SHOULD the feelings still be there I don't want to regret not giving this a chance.

 

I know right now that she is not attracted to me and that sucks, but do note that I'm NOT doing this for her but rather for myself. Might be hard for some of you to believe but that is the truth.

 

Also, what do I do if she contacts me during this time and I'm still undergoing my transformation?

 

Basically what I'm asking is, if I keep my distance, is it possible for her perception of me to change, and given I've known her only for 5 months and only see her at work everyday, how long before she 'forgets' who I am?

 

I do feel that she cares about me as a friend/brother, but I don't think I can continue with the friendship when I have feelings for her. I do feel really bad about this, but there doesn't seem to be any other way until I've dealt with these feelings.

 

So this goes out to the women, have you ever changed your perception of someone who has come back into your life after a period of being away? If so, what did it for you? And if not, was there a reason for it other than the person was the same as before?

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Once a guy is friend zoned it’s pretty much impossible for him to come out of that status.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

[PRW]

When it comes to dating/relationships, being called a friend, being told "lets just be friends" is a kick in the teeth, or kick in the nuts (pick one). It is basically saying, "I don't think you are a bad person but I don't think your genes should be carried to the next generation". It would be better if they just told you they had other "options" they were wanting to consider (even it it is a lie). At least you could imagine yourself being one of those options in the future and feel like you could trust that she would tell some other guy the same thing if he came snooping around.

 

But the Friend Zone is dating purgatory where the "nice guy" is cast in and is never heard from again.

[simonr]

Thank you for your replies.

 

So what you're both saying is that even after a period of no contact its impossible to get out of the friend zone? Even when someone has taken the time and done the work to change mentally and physically?

 

Maybe I'm biased here, but I just can't seem to understand why impossible. Are perceptions of others so ingrained that once they're set, no amount of time and/or change can change that?

[basil67]

The thing with transformation....you will find a lot of people (myself included) who don't believe that a person can change that dramatically over the short term. And if you do manage to change dramatically, what's to say that you'll change in a direction which would make her more attracted to you?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

What's wrong with who you are now? Don't you want a woman who is attracted to you and wants you for who you really are?

 

For what it is worth, I know early on whether I'm attracted to a man, and it goes beyond the physical package. It's a feeling you get from someone. It's not a conscious decision, and its either there or it isn't.

 

That's why I find it hard to imagine ever becoming reacquainted with a guy and experiencing something different. We are who we are.

[basil67]

Scarlett has a great point. The perfect woman is one who loves you as you are.

[LauraXX]

So this goes out to the women, have you ever changed your perception of someone who has come back into your life after a period of being away? If so, what did it for you? And if not, was there a reason for it other than the person was the same as before?

 

 

Honestly.... no. That woman has known you for several months and if the certain "spark" is not there, that's not going to change. I don't think going No Contact and changing your behaviour is going to help. It's either there or it's not.

Edited July 15, 2019 by LauraXX

[simonr]

What's wrong with who you are now? Don't you want a woman who is attracted to you and wants you for who you really are?

 

For what it is worth, I know early on whether I'm attracted to a man, and it goes beyond the physical package. It's a feeling you get from someone. It's not a conscious decision, and its either there or it isn't.

 

That's why I find it hard to imagine ever becoming reacquainted with a guy and experiencing something different. We are who we are.

 

Thank you for this Scarlett.

 

I don't really like who I am right now if I'm being honest. I believe I have room for huge improvement both physically and mentally. Physically I don't have the body that I want but I am actively working to get there. And mentally I don't have the attitude that I want, again I'm working to get there. I lack self confidence and have low self esteem.

 

These are the things I plan on working on whilst being away. And not because I want to get girls, but I genuinely want to improve myself.

 

You mentioned you know early on whether you are attracted to someone or not and that it goes beyond the physical package. What if you got along with someone really well and liked their personality but didn't find them physically attractive, would things change for you if you saw them after a period of time and they changed physically?

 

I've read quite a bit about attraction, and it seems to me that attraction isn't always a conscious choice. If thats the case I don't understand if the spark isn't there initially, then why couldn't it grow over time? Especially if the other person has changed physically and mentally.

[simonr]

I should also mention that I only see this woman at work. We have never met in any other scenario. However, my company has organised a leaving party for me and a few others whose contracts also end and this will be a full day event.

 

This is going to be the first time she sees me in a different light as opposed to seeing me at work everyday.

[basil67]

How will you go about building your confidence and self esteem? Admirable goal, but I doubt there's a quick fix out there.

[simonr]

How will you go about building your confidence and self esteem? Admirable goal, but I doubt there's a quick fix out there.

 

Well I've been reading Dale Carnegies book for example. There are other books I want to read as well. I've also started being more mindful with my conversations. I do realise there is no quick fix, but I know that once I set my mind on something I can get it done. For example physically I've managed to lose just over 70 lbs in 4 months! I do still have a long way to go to get the body I want, but if I can manage that kind of weight loss I think I can also manage to get the mindset that I want.

 

I'm no where near where I want to be mentally as that is much harder to change than the body but one has to start somewhere.

[Versacehottie]

First of all, I believe that you want to change for you. Maybe what happened with this girl is just what started that thought process in motion where you could access what you really wanted to be. Often it's how others perceive us, even though we wouldn't be fixing ourselves FOR them that lights the fire where we become really aware of and wanting to maximize what we CAN be. Also there is probably a bit of you don't want to run into another person that you feel is the right woman for you and not be "ready". i think it's a smart move.

 

I think you should keep her out of your thoughts and truly make this journey about you. I think the upcoming party is too soon, too public so IMO you should have very very low romantic expectations for that party.

 

As far as attraction, it's rare I think for a woman to change what she thinks about you romantically. But not impossible. The worst thing you could do IMO is to be "trying" to change her opinion. You really have to be living your new life as your improved self and have the opportunity to start at square one. I almost think that has to be natural--and quite a bit of time away from now. Like think at least a year. Anything contrived or calculated is a no-go IMO. If she thinks you have changed for her, that IMO is the kiss of death. I don't want to give you too much hope because it's a long shot. My advice focus on yourself only, and become attractive and date other women. Not specifically to make her jealous but when you start a friendship up again with her, it will make her see you in a new light. Often women want what other women have. That's a fact

 

Good luck

[simonr]

First of all, I believe that you want to change for you. Maybe what happened with this girl is just what started that thought process in motion where you could access what you really wanted to be. Often it's how others perceive us, even though we wouldn't be fixing ourselves FOR them that lights the fire where we become really aware of and wanting to maximize what we CAN be. Also there is probably a bit of you don't want to run into another person that you feel is the right woman for you and not be "ready". i think it's a smart move.

 

I think you should keep her out of your thoughts and truly make this journey about you. I think the upcoming party is too soon, too public so IMO you should have very very low romantic expectations for that party.

 

As far as attraction, it's rare I think for a woman to change what she thinks about you romantically. But not impossible. The worst thing you could do IMO is to be "trying" to change her opinion. You really have to be living your new life as your improved self and have the opportunity to start at square one. I almost think that has to be natural--and quite a bit of time away from now. Like think at least a year. Anything contrived or calculated is a no-go IMO. If she thinks you have changed for her, that IMO is the kiss of death. I don't want to give you too much hope because it's a long shot. My advice focus on yourself only, and become attractive and date other women. Not specifically to make her jealous but when you start a friendship up again with her, it will make her see you in a new light. Often women want what other women have. That's a fact

 

Good luck

 

 

Thank you for your input. It's much appreciated.

 

I am definitely making the changes for myself. Physically I'm much closer to my goal. Mentally not so much yet.

 

You mentioned that its rare for a woman to change her mind about someone romantically. Would this even be the case for someone you haven't seen in a few months? So what if the person changes significantly in that time, surely that would 'reset' your perception of that person?

 

I say this because I used to have a good friend way back when I was in high school. We hung out all the time back then and always had a laugh. I recently met up with that friend after not seeing him for a few years and we'd both changed and wanted different things in life. Suffice to say the conversation felt forced and we both parted company amicably.

 

Granted this was caused by distance of a few years, but my relationship with him was also built over a few years so it was a much deeper one. Whereas with this woman it's only been a 5 month relationship.

 

Also, this goes from liking him as a friend to not getting along so well. I don't know if it works the other way?

[basil67]

I don't know what else we can say. It feels like you want someone to say that a change in her feelings are likely if you change yourself. But I think the best I can offer is that nothing is impossible. If I was a betting woman, I'd put it at 25:1. But some have won big on low odds. Anyway, if you're making these changes for yourself, you have nothing to lose and there will always be more women.

[Foxhall]

A good looking woman with a nice personality- these are relatively easy to make friends with but it is damn difficult to make them desire you romantically,

 

the problem is they will seek the top of the range guys, the "successful" guys, well built good looking, big earners, sports stars,

 

ordinary chaps even provided they have extroverted engaging personalities and so on,

 

so especially if you are lacking a little in the self confidence area, it will always be difficult to land a really good looking girl,

 

so most average guys will be friend zoned because these women will always feel they can do slightly better,

 

to answer your questions- instances where her opinion may change- perhaps she may be unlucky in love and at a later stage will realise you are a "better than nothing" option,

 

or if she has a failed relationship with one of these "hot shot" types,

 

circumstances- if she is feeling down and you are there to comfort her at the right time,

 

not easy though- the reality is most guys have to play at their own level,

 

Personally I have a a few very beautiful women whom I am friends with but deep down I know it will never go any further than that,

 

the lady I am dating at the moment,she is a lovely girl, perhaps more average in the looks department,

I worry at times can I find that spark that I might have felt for some of the others, but realistically I have a much better chance with her, so I have to accept that.

Edited July 16, 2019 by Foxhall

[preraph]

No, it's not going to change. She likes you like a brother. That's it. Sorry.

[Versacehottie]

Ok, first the easy question, when it goes from LIKING SOMEONE to NOT LIKING them that's a simple transition and happens all the time--in platonic and romantic relationships. You can be disappointed in someone, relationship changes or runs its course, expectations not met or learn something about them or a bunch of things that make them not right for you effort and attention anymore. It also doesn't have to be dramatic or so clear; sometimes people just grow apart or take different directions in life without it being an ugly or disappointing thing, it's just not "your" thing.

 

For romantic attraction though, people usually get the typical one chance to make THAT sort of impression. It really happens quickly--the physical attraction part and then you usually see as person as someone you have chemistry with in that way or not--even if you don't act on it right away. So when you are convinced that she sees you as a brother, I'm taking that as what is going on and that is harder to change. I know a handful but it's far from normal. Back to your example with your guy friend what saw each of you to see each other in a different light was a large passage of time, like years. I think that absolutely plays a big part in any shift in perception like you hope to extrapolate onto your interest in this girl. With just a matter of months and no break in seeing one another, she wouldn't have a chance to see you in a new light. Also if you say your mental side still needs work, let's be real about how fast that part is going to change--I think it will take more than a few months. It's going to take experiencing yourself in new situations that give you confidence and a new perspective.

 

Honestly while i do believe you are changing yourself for you, i am worried that you want to use the changes immediately "tested" on this girl. In a way, you'd always be at her mercy (mentally) and TBH, not sure, in fact it's really a reach that it will be successful. So i feel like you could crash and be really disappointed. Lasting change needs to be inwardly motivated and inwardly experienced. You won't get the happiness you are seeking by "obtaining" her interest. It's a fragile position to put yourself in.

 

I'm not sure that she totally isn't interested in you but taking your assessment of it. Guys are usually latch onto the signs they want to see (statistically) so the fact that you've determined she is not interested in you like that gets me to think you're correct.

 

I also think you might be putting a lot of weight (pardon the pun) onto the weight loss, looking better part. I do love that kind of a transformation--some of my favorite subject matter but it's not the determining factor only, especially i think women's attraction is probably a little more complicated and a little less physical based than guys' is. Plus she's already set a perception of how she views you in her life. So it's a multi-layered problem to tackle. Not to mention each person is different so there are so many variations.

 

I think guys that I was neutral about, grew up & developed into hot guys that I was attracted to. But the difference was even though we were in the same friend group, it's not like they'd tried with me and I declined and then saw them in a new light later. Once someone goes through the thought process about you and decides "NO" then I think it's hard to have a real chance. You could keep trying to remain as her friend but then the changes will likely be less noticeable because they would seem gradual and she might be too comfortable with you to get good nervous around you. That's why IMO the go away, do the changes and come back still as a friend and see if the vibe changes is the best option. Plus you need to take the focus off her. right now you are full on. Ok I'm rambling. I want to see this play out but I do think it will take a while.