1 Year after breakup

[MyNamesGeoff]

It was put on my heart to write about the condition of my heart. Thought of you guys on here. Perhaps it will help those who were broken up with, and still love the person who broke up with you. God bless you all

 

Without further adoo:

 

The Depth’s of The Knowledge of Love

 

It’s been a year since she and I broke up. An I remember one of the phrases she had sent me when I was confessing my love to her. Hoping that if only she could understand how much I loved her, that it would cause her to change her mind. However, I was no exception, as many other men I imagine have heard from women whom they love, these few words; “move on.” I was using all my energy to re-ignite her passion for me, and those few words were like a sheet of ice thrown on me as an attempt to extinguish any fire in my heart towards her. Another way to say, “get away from me.”

 

The thing is, is that love for me isn’t like a light-switch. One second I am feeling love for someone, then the next second I no longer am feeling love for them. It is not a flame that burns out. It’s a flame I intentionally keep lit in my heart. The foundation for love for me has never been based on my feelings. Feelings can be fruits of love, which we pick and enjoy it’s taste. But feelings are not the foundation upon which love stands. Love was a decision I made. I chose to love her, no matter how I felt; friend or foe. So when she had decided to leave me. It wasn’t an emotion that would dictate if I continued to love her or not. An I went through a whirlwind of emotions after she left me. Angry, sad, suicidal, hopeful, passionate, driven. If love was based upon feelings, I would love her one second, hate her the next as I went through this whirlwind of emotions. Yet through all of it, in my heart, I loved her. What I was conflicted on most, as I am still conflicted on, is the decision I made to always love her. Through better and through worse. Is her leaving me mean the relationship is over? Or is it considered loving her through worse? Does her unfaithfulness dictate my faithfulness towards her?

 

Her promise to be with me forever slid right out of my hands. An just because she changed her mind about her commitment towards me, didn’t mean that I had to break mine towards her. But as my suffering increased because I longed to have her back, I was confused as to what to do. When I chose to love her for the rest of my life, I never planned for her to stop loving me and start loving someone else. An I wrestled in my heart. I thought many things. I thought that just because she made a decision to stop loving me, that it didn’t mean that I had to change my decision. Being forced to stop loving her because of a decision she made. “Moving on” at a pace dictated by her choice, and not a choice of my own. So instead I continued to love her, and suffered. Whether I “moved on,” or did not “move on”; I was going to suffer. And perhaps continuing to love her was all part of my moving on.

 

As time goes on, the breakup that was her decision, I start to give my consent to. There was much pain that I had because she broke up with me without my approval. Although that sounds odd, that’s how our breakup happened. She wanted to leave me, and I wanted to stay together. So when she left, we had a disagreement. An as time goes on, I start to give my approval of her decision. As it was never my intentions to do so, and if I love her then I’ll let her go when she wants to leave. So I acknowledged both out loud and in my heart I release her from me. That we are no longer one flesh, but two separate people. No longer joined together. No longer do I know her as my significant other. She becomes a footprint in my past. An artifact of what once was. Praying for the best for her, for her future husband. Not allowing any root of bitterness about it to grow in my heart. Loving her every step she takes away from me. Knowing in my heart that I did all that I could do, and if all I could do means she is still gone; then my conscious can find rest. Transferring my responsibility over the relationship into Gods loving hands alone.

 

An even as I paint the thoughts of my heart, soul and mind across this paper… My heart remains split into a dual conscious. One part with a door open, ready to receive her if she comes back. Another part with a door also open, ready to receive a new woman into my life. Knowing that whichever woman walks through the door first, the other door will have to shut; as faithfulness demands that I shut one door after someone has walked through the other. For this is the condition of my heart. And in my singleness, I desire for contentment. I pursue contentment. And in my contentment, I am alone. Becoming familiar with alone-ness, what it entails, and how it opens my eyes to truth’s beyond which I once thought I understood.

Edited July 15, 2019 by MyNamesGeoff