Chatting online with Guy

[thatcoffeegal]

I need some perspective on this, I am back on the dating scene after being single for 3 years. Currently, I'm at my 30's, and I enjoyed my single life, and I was able to get over my ex. I went out travelling, trying new activities and making new friends.

 

I traveled recently to another country and re-connected with a friend who migrated there. After a few months, this friend said he will give my number to his colleague. So I said okay and go for it.

 

This guy/colleague began messaging me, and its been consistent for 2 months. Now, I'm worried because he's starting to waver. There is something that I feel there are some needs that are not met.

 

1) In any of the chats, he's never called my name

2) He's never called me, and when I want him to call he gives an excuse.

 

But he messages every day, sends me photos like 2-3 times a week. It feels very 'couple-y'. Now I don't know what is happening and I want to confront him. I know that people move at a different pace and its okay not to rush things, but I feel confused about him.

 

Its gotten to a bad point for me, that if he doesn't message, I get anxious and I check all the messenger apps he's on and I check his Facebook Messenger Status. My friends are telling me to forget about him, he's a loser. But I'm not ready to let him go because I'm starting to really like him.

 

I have tried to talk to other guys via dating apps but I feel that I might be just trying to replace this guy.

 

I know its unhealthy for me, but I feel that I'm so frustrated about the situation. I don't know what he wants, and where he sees this going. I don't even know if he likes me.

 

Sorry, I need some help.

[ExpatInItaly]

Confront him about what, exactly?

 

You have never met this man, from what I understand. He doesn't owe you anything at this point, and I feel your friends are being incredibly unfair calling him a loser.

 

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself, if you have in fact never met him. Sure, he could talk to you on the phone but it doesn't seem he wants to. Has he ever mentioned meeting?

[Flame Aura]

So it's been 2 months..why haven't you met yet? Why hasn't he come to meet you?

[thatcoffeegal]

Hi! thank you for taking the time to give advise. So please see replies to your follow up questions:

 

1) Confront him about what, exactly?

>Confront him about his intentions and where he sees this going?

 

2) You have never met this man, from what I understand. He doesn't owe you anything at this point, and I feel your friends are being incredibly unfair calling him a loser.

> You are correct that he doesn't owe me anything.

 

3) I think you are getting way ahead of yourself, if you have in fact never met him. Sure, he could talk to you on the phone but it doesn't seem he wants to. Has he ever mentioned meeting?

> He has never mentioned meeting in person. He mentions that he wants to visit to my country, but not concrete plans.

 

I was able to sleep on it, and we had a very short and static-y conversation, but you were right, he said there was nothing wrong and he wasn't upset. He said I'm overanalyzing.

 

I feel that I'm making a bigger fool of myself with him because now, I've showed him my 'feelings' and he has the upper hand or advantage now.

 

Logically, I know what to do, but sometimes when your heart gets in the way, you become really stupid. I don't know what is the right step for me at this point. Maybe pulling away?

[thatcoffeegal]

Honestly, I don't know.

 

Logically maybe he doesn't want to progress things at this point?

Or that money is tight or that his job won't allow him.

 

He's happy with just chatting. But I myself would like to move things forward.

I'm afraid of what I am starting to feel and what I'm doing to myself as well (overthinking, overanalysis, paranoia)

 

Why is it so hard to date now. Everything was easier back in the day.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why is it so hard to date now. Everything was easier back in the day.

 

Well, to be fair, choosing to pursue a guy who lives in another country is part of the problem. That isn't easy these days, and it sure wasn't easier "back in the day" either.

 

Long-distance is always going to be challenging, but you're making it more difficult by attempting to start something with a stranger who lives in a whole other nation. You need to look at your own choices to see how you might be working against your own goals here.

[thatcoffeegal]

Thank you for your help with this, and for giving your feedback.

 

"but you're making it more difficult by attempting to start something with a stranger who lives in a whole other nation."

> Might be the case, what we have in common are just general habits, nationality, and the fact I was there a few months ago.

 

"You need to look at your own choices to see how you might be working against your own goals here"

> Truth be told, this statement really strikes me. You are right and will have to really look deeper into what motivates me to be in a relationship. Am I jumping the gun just to be with him bec. I'm 30++ or just I am into him. Or maybe I'm just excited at the prospect to be with someone again after a long long time.

 

I really appreciate you hearing me out. Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you’re really into him, but the truth is that you barely know him. True, you know some info about him but not really who he is as a person, what he’s like day-to-day, what your chemistry would be like, and so on.

 

I’d just caution you not to conflate the flattering feeling of receiving some attention online with a genuine interest in the person as a relationship candidate. It’s just about impossible to evaluate that without spending time together in person.

 

If he’s not mentioning meeting up in the near future, with more solid plans to back that up, I would also advise you not to get your hopes up and get attached to the idea of being with him. Until you meet face-to-face, it’s just a chat buddy.

[d0nnivain]

Wrap your brain around the idea that this chat is not real. It's something amusing to do to pass the time but it's not going to amount to more then it is right now. When you get that mindset you can have fun with it for what it is, but go looking for dates / a relationship locally.

[thatcoffeegal]

You are right that I do not know him. I put so much expectation on him because I thought he was genuinely interested in me. It makes me sad that the amount of emotional investment I already put out is very high but for him, there's no emotional investment.

 

I think that he's not interested in me, he's not giving me mixed signals, and he's never made a move. So I have to accept that he's not interested in me, and he's just an acquaintance.

[thatcoffeegal]

"Wrap your brain around the idea that this chat is not real. It's something amusing to do to pass the time but it's not going to amount to more then it is right now. When you get that mindset you can have fun with it for what it is, but go looking for dates / a relationship locally."

 

I will try to be more logical about guys, because I get caught up in the fantasy. Now I'm really disappointed in him and what he's not doing. In my head, he's so much bigger than what he is and what he's doing in real life.

 

Its sad, its like experiencing heartbreak and rejection but on a different level. It feels painful like deep in my chest and embarrassing.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are right that I do not know him. I put so much expectation on him because I thought he was genuinely interested in me. It makes me sad that the amount of emotional investment I already put out is very high but for him, there's no emotional investment.

 

This is where I would encourage you to really reflect.

 

What is it that drove you to emotionally invest in a stranger? Are you lonely? Bored? Having a hard time meeting a guy locally? I mean those as sincere questions, to be clear. It's worth examining why you let your heart get ahead of your logic, and why there is any investment at all at this point.

 

To address your other thoughts, no, I don't think he's as interested as you are. He has some fun chatting with you but doesn't appear to be eager to meet you. Online flirtations tend to lose their appeal quickly when real life takes over and provides more realistic opportunities.

[d0nnivain]

In my head, he's so much bigger than what he is and what he's doing in real life.

 

You have to work harder at managing your own expectations. When you take a more laid back realistic approach & stop putting people on pedestals you will stop getting hurt as easily.

[Foxhall]

Have a bit more self confidence,

take the initiative, give him an ultimatum that you meet up in the next few weeks or its pointless continuing with this online chat,

 

 

when he will not even hold a phone conversation with you,I am afraid the possibility of anything developing here look non existent,

 

 

you need to start taking control of the situation, end it yourself rather than waiting for him too.

[The Outlaw]

I get that you said that you like him, but at this point in time, it's just been chatting, nothing more. No meet has been setup and it's been awhile now. And he isn't as responsive as he used to be. As much as you do like him, it's best to just move on and find someone that's local that you can meet and build a relationship with because this has been nothing but stressful for you.

[thatcoffeegal]

I think you are right about this. I need to push myself to get out of this comfort zone he is building. If I want something to happen, I need to nudge him in that direction.

 

Usually our culture doesn't look well to girls who make the "first move" since it makes you look aggressive or not proper.

 

Let's see how I can manage my wants from this chatting guy and still adhering to our society's norms and cultures.

[thatcoffeegal]

I get that you said that you like him, but at this point in time, it's just been chatting, nothing more. No meet has been setup and it's been awhile now. And he isn't as responsive as he used to be. As much as you do like him, it's best to just move on and find someone that's local that you can meet and build a relationship with because this has been nothing but stressful for you.

To be honest, I might have to just see him as a "chat-mate" and really find/look for a man/guy who is willing to connect with me here as a friend, and hopefully something more

[ExpatInItaly]

To be honest, I might have to just see him as a "chat-mate" and really find/look for a man/guy who is willing to connect with me here as a friend, and hopefully something more

 

I think this is a much better idea, OP.

 

The online guy just isn't that realistic a prospect.

[MeadowFlower]

OP, I just want to say that I understand..

[LauraXX]

When I was in my early 20s, I lived abroad for two years. I had met a guy (friend of a friend) at a party just the week before I left. We talked, danced, flirted a bit... but didn't even exchange numbers.

 

I told my friend that I thought party guy was cute. Party guy told my friend that he thought I was cute. So my friend made sure to give him my address abroad and he wrote me an actual letter (yes, emails existed when I was in my 20s but for some reason he decided to do the snail mail thing ). So for the next two years, we kept sending each other letters. Pretty harmless letters in the beginning but they soon turned into proper love letters.We made plans for the future, he told his parents about me, my friend was very proud that she had introduced us, since we were such a great "couple".

 

Fast forward to two years later. I returned back home and we had agreed to meet asap. When we finally stood in front of each other I think we both realized - in that same exact second - that there was nothing there. Nothing! It wasn't about his looks - he still looked just the same. I just realized that he wasn't the guy that I had fallen in love with during the past two years. The guy I had fallen in love with existed only in my head. He moved differently, talked differently than I had remembered. I can't even explain it. I might have given it a try, had he been a bit more enthusiastic. But he seemed to be just as disapponted as I was and so we just let it be and never communicated again after that day.

 

I promised myself that I would never let that happen again. Long distance might work for people who already know each other and have something going on. I've done long distance with the father of my child for quite a while and it worked just fine. But I honestly don't believe that you can actually get to know somebody - let alone fall in love with somebody - through texts and emails. It's just an invented version of them that has nothing to do with the actual person.

Edited July 24, 2019 by LauraXX

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've done long distance relationships a few times now (NC, TC and Belgium) so I come with a bushel full of experience.

 

Long distance relationships are indeed possible and can be very healthy, happy and fulfilling BUT you BOTH have to be on the same page about things and in it with both feet otherwise it will be very difficult.

 

At this point, you're chat-mates. It doesn't sound like much else, at least not from his perspective. Investing so much time, energy and emotion into someone you don't even know for certain has romantic feelings for you is only setting you up for epic disappointment.

 

It's okay to like him and enjoy talking with him but it's another thing to think this somehow defines you as a "couple".

 

You need to snap yourself back to reality and gain some much needed perspective before you blow up a nice thing because you're getting ahead of yourself.

 

Get out. Date. Enjoy your life as before. If there is a point where you want to have a talk about the possibility of taking it to the next level, go for it but for now, just enjoy it for what it is and nothing more.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle

[PRW]

But he messages every day, sends me photos like 2-3 times a week. It feels very 'couple-y'.

 

Its gotten to a bad point for me, that if he doesn't message, I get anxious

That was way too much communication to begin with at least with the messages being everyday,...2-3 times a week on the photos isn't too bad but the messages should have been about that same pace too. You two created a situation that was just not sustainable. It may just be settling down to a more correct pace that it should have been in the first place,...or it could be burn out and he is burning out first,...you'll burn out next.

 

When you create insecure over-pursuing environments this is what happens. Sometimes both do it, sometimes only one person is doing it, but either way it is always bad. When both do it then it tends to be worse because you can't see another doing something wrong if you are doing it as well so it builds more momentum before it falls apart.

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like he enjoys having a pen pal but is not really looking for anything else. He probably enjoys your attention.

 

I know you have got attached to him but he is not showing signs of wanting to meet you or make contact by phone. He would be wanting to do both if he really felt this could work.

 

I would not take it personally; he is in another country. Long-distance relationships are difficult within the same small country, let alone a different country.

 

You have become attached but you can detach from him. I really think this would be best for you. The situation is starting to hurt you now. It might take a few weeks to 'get over' this guy, but if you cut him off now (cut all contact) it will be easier for you. I fear there is just more pain ahead and that you will hang onto him until the pain outweighs the good feelings.

 

I'm sorry it has not turned out as you wished.

[preraph]

If he was interested AND available, he'd be willing to call you. He's avoiding that. Probably is already taken. Or he's just using you to jack off by. Yes, there are a whole lot of those out there.