Why not tell the betrayed spouse about the affair?

[ScaryPanda]

Hello everyone,

 

 

A simple question for you.

 

I have noticed that most people recommend to not tell the BS about the affair and ones involvement in damaging a marriage. What is up with that? If one has already inserted themselves in a mess like that, why not save the BS the lies? How is it that cheaters or OM/OW get to choose whether a clueless spouse lives in a lie or not?

 

I am merely curious.

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move to GRD and clarify title

[Starswillshine]

I think most people believe the BS should know. However, most people believe that a OW/OM speaking out is not for the well being of the BS, but for revenge or in rejection. Obviously the OW/OM didnt give 2 craps about the BS during the affair.

 

The only exception is when the OW/OM was unknowingly in an affair. Aka, the MP lied and said he was single/divorced/etc. If the OP ends it right away, certainly should tell the BS.

 

I was a BS. And while it is really ****ty for the OW to use me as a tool to try to anger xWH, I am extremely glad SOMEONE, ANYONE gave me the truth. Even if it was for selfish, vindictive reasons.

[elaine567]

Do bank robbers tell the bank? Do shop lifters tell the shop?

Do burglars tell the house owner? Do conmen tell the victim?

 

NO, because it is not in their best interests to do so.

Similarly...

[ScaryPanda]

@elaine567....

 

But intimate relationships are different from stolen materialistic goods. Often the betrayed spouse has no idea that they were stolen from and just continue living a complete lie. It's terribly sad.

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

@ScaryPanda...

 

It is terribly sad. Which is why, it is always best that the BS learns the truth.

 

It’s more than a little disengenuous when “the truth” is shared by the person who has been lying to the BS and is the cause of the pain... This individual obviously has no problem with the fact that the BS was living a lie during the affair... You have to wonder at their motives when they suddenly have an attack of conscience...

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

But intimate relationships are different from stolen materialistic goods. Often the betrayed spouse has no idea that they were stolen from and just continue living a complete lie...

 

You miss the point, the point being that it is NOT in the best interests of the MM/MW or the OW/OM to tell the BS anything, just like it is not in the best interests of the criminal to confess to the crime or to give the victim prior warning.

It is all about self interest and self preservation.

[ScaryPanda]

It is terribly sad. Which is why, it is always best that the BS learns the truth.....

 

But in the end, does the motive really matter? I do believe that no matter what, truth will set anyone free. Most of us have been cheated on and most of us also have that terrible "feeling" that something is wrong. Yes the pain is horrendous when we discover what happened, but after things have settled there's a sense of relief.

 

People who are willing to cheat or insert themselves into another man's/woman's marriage tend to do it for very selfish reasons. Often it seems that keeping the truth hidden comes from selfishness as well.

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ScaryPanda]

...It is all about self interest and self preservation.

 

But why condone this selfish mindset? YES it would be best if criminals came forward with the mess they've made, except for the criminals themselves.

 

Why make it sound like it's okay to be so self-centered even after you have damaged a partnership for your own good?

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

But in the end, does the motive really matter? I do believe that no matter what, truth will set anyone free.

 

Nobody here is saying that the truth should not come out. And yes, I would agree that keeping the truth hidden from a spouse is a cruel and selfish thing to do.

 

I’m simply saying, I wouldn’t believe a word the OW had to say. That person clearly has her own agenda, and in that way the motive matters. My cheating husband, I would want to hear his story because that would determine my next decision...

Edited July 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

If I were married and my husband was cheating I would want to know even if I had to hear it from the OW, however I would still think the OW was scummy for telling me, if that makes any sense. I guess because I would want to know at any cost but I'd also know that the only reason the OW would tell me would be to either selfishly get revenge on my husband or to force him out of our marriage so that she could get him. It's bad enough that she was messing with my husband now she's aggressively setting out to destroy my marriage and family.

[elaine567]

The affair dynamics make it such that telling the BS is a no-no.

An affair is "cheating", it is not a highly principled and moral act.

The whole point of an affair is to keep the BS in the dark.

[stillafool]

I say if you are the OW/OM then definitely tell the BS that you are boinking their spouse; especially when you are still involved in the affair. Don't wait until the WS quits you for another OW/OM and then tell the spouse out of sheer jealousy and bitterness.

[Azathoth]

Do bank robbers tell the bank? Do shop lifters tell the shop?

Do burglars tell the house owner? Do conmen tell the victim?

 

NO, because it is not in their best interests to do so.

Similarly...

Actually sometimes they do. Are you seriously advocating for criminals not to turn themselves in? Maybe you think they should continue to commit crimes too. Edited July 15, 2019 by Azathoth

[pepperbird]

I don't think it's fair to paint all ow/om as unfeeling when it comes to the bs. In some cases, I really do see their desire to tell the BS ( when the affair is over) as coming from a place of compassion in some cases. In others, it;s out of a sense of revenge, which quite frankly, I don't get.

 

Hearing that your spouse has been cheating is really hard, and it would take a "special" sort of person to take pleasure in causing that sort of emotional pain.

[somanymistakes]

I have noticed that most people recommend to not tell the BS about the affair

 

Actually many people do recommend telling the BS. Quite often.

 

What they don't recommend is:

 

* expecting that telling the BS will make them grateful to you

* expecting that telling the BS will make them immediately divorce the WS

* expecting that ANYONE will believe you're doing it because you care about the BS

 

and ones involvement in damaging a marriage. What is up with that? If one has already inserted themselves in a mess like that, why not save the BS the lies?

 

May I point out that you're leaping in and being hugely judgmental about generalised situations with absolutely no reason?

 

While every affair is different, in the "most common" affair type, where a WS seduces a co-worker:

 

* the AP is not lying to the BS, because they have no contact whatsoever

* the AP did not 'insert themselves', they were pursued

* the AP is usually under the belief that the WS's marriage was destroyed long before the AP came along

 

Your text above makes it sound like you think the average AP walks up to a married couple, grabs the husband in her claws and yanks him away, then tells a sneering lie to the wife. This really isn't how it usually plays out.

 

I can't say never, because there are a few people who outright enjoy the drama of breaking up marriages and go straight for those targets deliberately. But the vast majority of affairs I read about, that's not at all how it works. The AP and the BS have most commonly never met.

 

The AP cannot "save BS the lies" when the AP is not delivering the lies in the first place, and may not even know what lies are being told.

 

Quite often, the AP is being lied to as well.

 

How is it that cheaters or OM/OW get to choose whether a clueless spouse lives in a lie or not?

 

How is it that BSes get to choose whether a clueless OM/OW lives in a lie or not? Oh, wait, they don't, because it's the CHEATER who knows what's going on with both sides and is deliberately misleading them.

[Rayce]

There are just some peeps on this forum that no matter what you say will attacked you and assume you are in the wrong at every turn... at least that has been my experience when being open and honest about my own situation... It's not nice that they claim to see into my deepest darkest spots and know what is in my heart from just a few hundred post.

[DKT3]

As a former BH, I would not have cared how I got the information......although, it would have been unwise for OM to bring me that information.

 

Whatever the motivation knowing is always better than suspecting, knowing hurts, suspecting will drive you mad.

[Turning point]

The OW or OM has ZERO credibility so, anything they choose to tell a BS is worthless from a information standpoint, but quite destructive and harmful to the well being of the BS and their children. You will set them on a tailspin, and this is NOT helpful.

 

In that respect, disclosure by an OW/OM will always be an act of cruelty. The only appropriate action is to walk away and go NC.

 

What an involved party such as OW/OM needs to understand is that there are some things from which you are disqualified - meaning there is nothing you can contribute to fixing or easing a situation short of leaving it. At no time does anyone seek a mediator from within the field of combatants.

Edited July 16, 2019 by Turning point

[Mr. Lucky]

But intimate relationships are different from stolen materialistic goods. Often the betrayed spouse has no idea that they were stolen from and just continue living a complete lie. It's terribly sad.

 

Actually, the analogy is quite sound. Many crimes take some time to uncover, and the victims may have their own "D-Day" when they return from vacation or check their financial records.

 

As in infidelity, the perps are unconcerned with the victim's fate during commission of the crime, so not sure how realistic it is to think they'd prioritize it afterwards.

 

Also, many people cheat in search of validation and ego strokes. Revealing yourself as the bad guy not much help in that regard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

You're trying to sell the idea that the OW would participate in lies and then tell me out of the goodness of her heart? Absolute rubbish. Her only reason to tell me would be to create chaos. Pure vindictiveness...and she would be rained on with my fury.

[pepperbird]

 

While every affair is different, in the "most common" affair type, where a WS seduces a co-worker:

 

 

* the AP did not 'insert themselves', they were pursued

 

 

Quite often, the AP is being lied to as well.

 

How is it that BSes get to choose whether a clueless OM/OW lives in a lie or not? Oh, wait, they don't, because it's the CHEATER who knows what's going on with both sides and is deliberately misleading them.

 

 

I think it's about time the ow/om stops being portrayed as some sort of victim of the big bad predatory mm/mw.

Sure, some married people lie and say they are not married, but "separated/staying together for the kids/ I don't want to hurt my spouse/ I can't leave because of finances, whatever" all still mean the same thing. The person is married. Believing them is akin to believing the used car salesperson who tells customers their cars are in great shape, only driven by a little old lady to go to church once a week.

[elaine567]

In others, it;s out of a sense of revenge, which quite frankly, I don't get.

 

It is because some OWs literally hate the BS.

The affair can be set up as the MM and the OW against the world, with the BS being the common enemy, the person that prevents the "lovers" from being together as they deserve to be. They are a team, the BS is the interloper.

The OW vs the BS.

 

MM often like it this way, it absolves them from blame, if it wasn't for the "horrendous" BS, they would never cheat, they are not a bad person...

The "lovers" bond over "hating" the BS.

The OW is in competition with the BS, so hurting her is thus "justified", the BS is the annoying obstacle to all her dreams coming true.

 

The OW may tell the BS all about the affair, to oust her from the competition or if the competition is already lost and the MM chooses his wife or chooses to end the affair, then "Why should she "win"... why should she be happy? Let's blow it all up..."

Maybe in the fall out, he will come running back to her...

[Secretgal34]

I was actually attacked on here by someone because I wouldn’t tell. I didn’t want revenge or anything like that I just wanted to move on and it wasn’t a physical affair just talk. Some said she needed to be warned because he’d probably do it again. I still wouldn’t no point in causing unnecessary drama and pain to someone’s life. I was the wrong one so just let it be. Also chances are she wouldn’t leave anyway and would most likely forgive. Most of them do. Revenge isn’t healthy and the sooner you let go of the anger the better.

[Rayce]

There are just some people that will hate and judge you because.... they can. No one is the victim in these situations. Everyone has a perspective and is responsible.

[pepperbird]

Everyone has a perspective and is responsible.

 

 

Actually, the only two who bear any responsibility for an affair are the two people who are in it. It doesn't make them terrible people.