Why not tell the betrayed spouse about the affair?

[elaine567]

@starswillshine

Do you think he was just not a monogamous person? He placed the family in one place and he set up another travelling life where he could be a bachelor.

[Starswillshine]

@starswillshine

Do you think he was just not a monogamous person. He placed the family in one place and he set up another travelling life where he could be a bachelor.

 

For sure. He had a serious girlfriend after we split. He told me she was amazing, awesome. They did a lot of things together. I liked her. A lot. Was happy to have her in meh kids life. But then he cheated on her, too.

[Starswillshine]

Your right I feel bitter... thanks to this board. It has not made me feel any better at all... worst in fact. I feel hated here just because I am an OW and for no other reason than that. I feel attacked at every posting related to my situation.... starting with the 1st post.

 

I just went read your post as I was not familiar with your story except what you had posted in the last couple of days which seemed like you had zero empathy for the pain you aided in causing his BS. Which I admit doesnt paint you in a favorable light. Anyway, i went to read your OP. And i saw no one attacking you. Only seems that people were being pretty compassionate and trying to help you. You took someone saying you should speak to someone as an insult. You have gone through a lot and people recognize that. And while you did go to therapy, you had additional events after that you may need help processing through. I have gone through many years I'd therapy myself. Even though I feel I am in a very healthy place, the only reason I stopped going was because my therapist moved.

 

What my non-licensed therapist eyes see is someone who is still hurting who is lashing out at people trying to help you. And due to that lashing out, people act in kind.

 

Anyway, I hope you can find some peace soon.

[pepperbird]

The only 2 people responsible for the marriage are the 2 people in it... not the women/men, drugs, acholic or any other thing they bring into it. Marriage is suppose to be a partnership so if one fails they both fail.

 

Really?

So a husband is resposible if his wife chooses to have an affair? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you think he was just not a monogamous person? He placed the family in one place and he set up another travelling life where he could be a bachelor.

 

I've seen this play out a few times as friends have gotten divorced. Some guys, typically successful, compartmentalize their life into a "family" box and an "other" box, and don't seem to feel much conflict over the resulting infidelity and outside relationships. But they do seem to feel genuine surprise and sorrow when the shyte hits the fan.

 

At least in my circle, much less common with women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

This explains why I feel like you are always attacking me when I post something... I am sorry this happened to you.

 

 

There is nothing to feel sorry for. It was over then years ago, and it was what it was. I'm not angry at her, but I am confused about why she acted the way she did. The affair was really short...a few weeks, and she had been talking to me online and knew we were married. she even went as far as to ask me about our marriage and go on about how wonderful I was for raising two special needs kids:rolleyes: She said she admired me so much for being able to help keep our marriage going when others failed under similar circumstances. This was all while being in an affair with my spouse.

 

I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now.

 

Her way of telling me about their affair- which my spouse had already told me about by that point , was to send me an email that was all "gushy" with apologies and platitudes. More of "what a great person your are" and she signed off with a bit about how she and I could be friends and if I ever wanted to talk about my marriage, she would be happy to help because she felt so bad.

 

That made no sense to me. Of all people on gods green earth why would I go to her? Why would she think I would even want to?

 

I still hear from her from time to time and the emails are always either angry or gushy. I don't understand it. What is going on in that poor woman's mind? I doubt she told me out of any sense of guilt. It was to cause pain, but when I didn't react the way she wanted, it really got under her skin.I think she thought I'd freak out but I sent her a reply saying I already knew and that I hoped she could move on to find happiness in her life.

[Curiousroxy86]

right or wrong this is what I would do.

 

if a loved friend or family member is being cheated on I would definitely say something

 

if I was friends to both cheating spouse and one being cheated on. I would say tell the cheating spouse to come clean first and if they dont I will tell the one being cheated on.

 

if a loved friend or family member is doing the cheating and I am not exactly close to one being cheated on well I dont see myself saying anything to the one being cheated on but I would tell the loved one thats cheating to come clean

 

if its a person I dont know well or not well acquainted or not close I would mind my own business

 

if I am being cheated on I would want my close friends or family to tell me if they knew. I wouldnt expect a cheating spouse to come clean which is why I believe in snooping if I see warning signs lol. if the other woman comes to me with the information I would say thank you for telling me and investigate on my own before even confronting my husband. if I find no evidence we shall remain happily married lol. if I find out evidence I will be breaking up cold turkey or if I need to plan for it I would.

 

if in some strange universe I find myself being the cheater (I am not one and dont condone cheating) well I probably wouldnt tell the spouse I am cheating I would think I would just breakup if the root of my cheating is me not being happy with my spouse. if in a stranger universe I somehow want to cheat and keep my spouse at the same time well if that was my desire I would think I more than likely wouldnt tell

 

if in another strange universe I find mself being the other woman and I was in love with the married man I would insist he tell the wife if I am expecting us to be together. if it is clear he wants to hide me I would probably breakup without feeling a push to say anything to the wife. if in an even stranger universe I am okay with being the hidden side piece then I would think I wouldnt tell the wife. I imagine if I was an angry and vengeful person (im not) and wanted to try to get back at the married man I wouldnt even try to talk to the wife I would just send her the evidence. I imagine if guilt ate at me and I didnt want to be the other woman anymore then I would do the same lol.

[Prudence V]

How is it that cheaters or OM/OW get to choose whether a clueless spouse lives in a lie or not?

 

Several people, including my now-H, tried to inform his then-BW about our R. She elected not to believe any of them. I’m quite sure that, if I had tried to inform her, I’d have met the same response. Some people prefer to bury their heads in the sand.