Update - Advice - spoke to the ex bf

[queenie01]

So I recently decided to go back to my old gym time..the same time as my ex. I avoided him for a couple months but it finally got to the point where i decided, who cares? Im going to go workout and let him see what hes missing out on. Basically I finally got my self esteem back. So all last week I went at 11. We havent spoken in forever, last communication was via email 2.5 weeks ago. Anyways I went to the gym and saw him but we NEVER talk. On friday he came up to me and asked me if I was using this machine i said no then he proceeded to ask me how I was etc.. So either he really was just curious if i was using that machine or else he just wanted to talk to me. I really dont know, but needless to say we spoke for about 10 minutes... we laughed, joked around with each other etc.. it was pretty cool but i dont know what to make of it. THen I got back to my desk and got an email from him sayin "btw..you are looking really good! You're hard work is paying off!!" I wasnt going to respond but finally did 2 hours later and just wrote "thank you : )"

That was it...

What do you guys think? anything?

[Art_Critic]

You need to think about moving on ..

 

If he wanted you back he would've already made a play for you ..

 

He was just thinking of..Hummmm maybe I could bang her again..

[francis]

Overall, I think this sounds quite positive. He may actually be coming to his senses and is seeing what he is missing out on!

 

Just play it cool, your reply was perfect. You waited and sent a simple acknowledgement, that is all that is needed.

 

My advice, wait it out. You could gradually build something up from here but he must be the one to initiate it.

 

To me, he appeared to end your relationship because he wanted the life of a bachelor again, the whole moving in with his mates, living without responsibilities. Perhaps he is seeing the grass isnt so green on that side.

 

There is nothing you should do, just carry on NCin' and get on with your life. He's got to come around by himself, and if he wants to take action, he will.

 

I know how much you want to be with this guy, let him fight for you and let him know if he wants you, he's gotta 'win' you back. You deserve that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

For the love of all that is holy, try to see it for what it is - a friendly exchange to catch up, and compliments. No more, no less. If you try to read more (or less) into that you will drop yourself right back at that horrible place you have struggled to work your way out of.

 

If there is going to be more (and I'm not even SUGGESTING that there will be - this is just hypothetical), he is going to want to be with that girl you presented to him at the gym: laughing, strong, confident, looking good - someone who has made progress and who does not 'need', or 'cling'. Someone who sees and enjoys a situation for what it is, and does not overanalyze.

 

Your email reply was appropriate. There is no reason to email him again, or ask him what he meant, or approach him about 'getting back together'. None. If he talks to you again - then keep it at a casual friendly level. Same as you would any other guy you aren't currently involved with.

 

Do NOT, repeat DO NOT revert back to how you were before with him, because as soon as you do - he will revert back to the person he was - the guy who dropped you cold and refused to even make eye contact with you for all that time.

 

You don't revert, he won't revert. It won't be easy, but keep moving forward - that is the only way.

[queenie01]

Thanks for the replies guys...

Trust me I am not going to revert back to that person. I let him go and I am moving on. I wouldnt have talked to him if he had not approached me. I am not overanalyzing anything at all either.

I am not planning on contacting him either. Basicaly it just felt good to be approached by him and it felt great to get that email from him acknowledging that im looking good, because honestly Im trying really hard, working out 2 times a day, running 5ks and 10ks and taking pilates.

I have no doubt in my mind that eventually he will have regrets but i dont anticipate because readily available to him either.

[queenie01]

So today i go to the gym at 11am and got on the treadmill and he came down at 11 and got on the treadmill right next to me and we talked the entire time.

I like talking to him but to be honest i dont want to be friends with him...i think it will be too hard.

[Art_Critic]

So today i go to the gym at 11am and got on the treadmill and he came down at 11 and got on the treadmill right next to me and we talked the entire time.

I like talking to him but to be honest i dont want to be friends with him...i think it will be too hard.

 

Then don't .. you are purposly putting yourself in this position because you like his attention..

 

If you don't quit you are gonna be back at square one as soon as he doesn't respond in a manner you are looking for..

 

You are playing with fire and the prize is your emotional security.. Don't risk it and move on.. If he wants you back he knows how to contact you

[georgiagirl76]

Queenie

Everyone loves positive attention. It makes us feel good when someone notices our improvements. Although you seem to intellectually understand the risks of seeing him at the gym and talking to him, it appears that emotionally you are still feeding off of his attention. It feels good- he hurt you and now he is talking to you (maybe like you dreamed about). However, by putting yourself at the gym at the same time and making yourself available you are giving him everything he wants and he isn't giving anything back.

 

He is able to see you, talk to you, and keep tabs on you but he doesn't have to befriend you or go through any effort to find you. I think that this will only hurt you in the end because you will naturally wonder where these conversations might lead.

 

Be careful

[pippen_2k]

The only reason your going to the gym at 11 is becuase he's there, so dont say your over him and trying to move on, cause your not:)

 

Start going back to the gym at 5 Cause I guarantee you will get pissed if he starts talking to other girls at the gym and flirts with them.

[queenie01]

I dont quite think you guys understand the situation...we work in the same building and i go to the gym downstairs...for the past couple months i changed my schedule but now i decided screw him, why should i have to suffer and rearrange my schedule. He can look at me all he wants and see what he gave up. I am finally back to the person I was before I dated him. I am confident in myself.

I am not going to the gym to see him...i just decided to live my life as i was living it before.

I dont think talking to him will help me so I have to figure out how to handle that situation ultimately.

[Art_Critic]

I dont think talking to him will help me so I have to figure out how to handle that situation ultimately.

 

 

It's easy stop going at 11

 

It won't kill you.. In fact it will save you heart ache

[georgiagirl76]

Queenie

I actually did get that your gym was where you worked and I understand that you changed your schedule to avoid seeing him. I also still believe that you changed it back in order to see him. I think even if that isn't true that it is too soon for you to see him on a regular basis- you even admitted in a second chances post that you still want him but you "fake it" to him.

 

He knows you, he can't pick up that you are interested. He is going to feed off of that and you may end up getting hurt all over again. I say you give it another month or two and then you an go back to the gym around the same time.

 

My ex and I share a lot of the same places, the gym, same coffee shop. I have removed myself completely and don't plan on returning for at least another couple of months- it is just too dangerous because you are still at a fragile point even if you aren't crying every day and have experienced some anger.

 

Also, I know you want us to give you the golden answer but I think deep down you know it is a bad idea.

Hang in there

[queenie01]

It may be easy but its not conveinent at all. Im not sitting over here crying over him..im done with that and in fact im moving on. I think he senses that and that is why he is choosing to talk to me now.

I just dont want him to think we are buddies because i dont want that

[queenie01]

Well we'll see i am going to try it again tommorrow but this time i will keep my headphones on.

What i dont understand is why all of a sudden he is talking to me. He NEVER would talk to me before...now he is mr chatty ...

Its just weird to me and when we talk its like when we first met

[westernxer]

Just keep the communication short and sweet, and don't stray from professionalism. Keep the personal stuff under wraps.

[Art_Critic]

Well we'll see i am going to try it again tommorrow but this time i will keep my headphones on.

What i dont understand is why all of a sudden he is talking to me. He NEVER would talk to me before...now he is mr chatty ...

Its just weird to me and when we talk its like when we first met

 

You got a point .. If you just blow him off and tell him you really need to keep your head in your workout then see where that goes..

 

But you HAVE to blow him off

[queenie01]

I wish exs could just leave well enough alone...i was doing fine and dont need to talk to him. Why cant they ever be sure of their decisions, always gotta creep back into your life somehow.

[francis]

i'm trying to put myself in the opposite position. maybe if you try fobbing him off then see what his reaction is.

 

i know i couldnt cope with seeing my ex everyday queenie, he's got such a nerve to think he can laugh and joke with you like the good old days...

 

the problem is, the best way to play it with your dignity in tact and without causing the most offence...

 

hold your cards close, dont give anything away

 

i wish my ex had just made his choice and run, eliminating all hope.

[queenie01]

Yeah but what is the best approach at playing my cards right? I mean now im being friendly, laughing joking around etc...just like when we first met, showing no emotions tho...

I want to email him so bad after talking to him but i wont because then he will know he has me.

[francis]

two choices;

1. email him asking him to meet up and talk, confront the situation head on with a direct approach, get all the wondering out of the way once and for all. then you'll find out his motive and intentions.

2. don't email him at all. ever. ignore his sorry a$$ and move on.

[queenie01]

I think im just going to take it day by day and not change a thing...whatever happens happens and i believe if its meant to be then he will come back, if not - his loss and something better will come my way.

I do however think hes not truly over me...i dont think he would be talking to me period had he moved on.

[georgiagirl76]

Queenie

You don't know what to make of him talking to you because you are hoping that it means that he wants you back. Think about it- if he did- he would tell you. Usually when you love someone you want to be with them sooner not later. You are scrambling to analyze your conversations, getting your hopes up, getting butterflies right before you go downstairs to the gym each day.

 

You may not want to admit it but you are setting yourself up for the first days after the breakup all over again. You have stopped hurting because you think he may be interested and you have stalled any process of moving on or healing. Just be careful- we have warned you. If you get back together then I will be happy for you. I just don't want you to get hurt again.

[queenie01]

Trust me I am proceeding with caution and I am not initating any contact of any form... i do think i need to be less talkative to him in the gym tho...

[queenie01]

Well I can tell you guys that from one month ago til today he has once again changed his attitude towards me so i am going full no contact. It sucks but seriously this has been going on for 6 months now, back and forth.

I stop talking to him then one day he will email me or be flirty in the gym, it sucks. I feel like he just wants to make sure he still has me.

How the heck do you get over someone when you have to see them all the time, not to mention when they are looking very good too.

Its so hard. I still care about him so much...

Although i have been dating someone else but its merely more just for fun than anything...and this new guy is hot but hes moving in a couple weeks so its not going to amount to anything : (

 

Any suggestions on how i continue no contact when i have to see my ex? Also when i stop talking to him i usually get an email or something after a month or so time goes by? Should I just be honest with him next time and tell him i dont want to talk to him because it hurts?