How to love someone without being possessive?

[bc72fgbjbc]

Hi folks. Not a lot of experience on the dating scene, since I'm only 19, but I already know that most of the time when I screw up it's because of one particular thing. I'm just clueless at retaining people in my life and the fact that I can become so possessive and distrustful only pushes them even further.

I've been abandonned by many people I liked while growing up, including some family members and close friends, so that could be one of the reasons I'm like this. I want to improve tho.

I met this very nice girl a few weeks ago. We went on a few dates, slept together at the hotel, had breakfast, etc. I like her very much. However, the same old thing happens over and over again. As time passes she starts becoming a little bit more distant and taking longer to answer her phone (but there's not really other signs of loss of interest, she still wants to see me soon) and that's when insecurity starts to kick in. I know it can have any causes, maybe she's just busy, but it seems like I completely freak out everytime it happens. I matured a lot recently and I'm able to at least avoid sending back-to-back messages and being too needy, but in the interior it's total panic.

For now I can control it, but Idk for how long. What's the right way to act when a girl you're dating gets more distant for a couple of days? I don't want to lose her too.

[basil67]

*Abandoned* is a very strong word. People do come and go in our lives as their interests and connections change - even cousins. Especially so when we're young and still doing a lot of growing, learning and changing. Unless the abandonment was something far more significant - like them actively avoiding you, perhaps it would be helpful if you take a deep breath in and out and repeat "people will come and go in my life. It's normal and I will meet new people". Your history of being able meet girls tells me that you're presentable and personable, so I suspect you did nothing wrong back then.

 

Anyway, the main trick to avoid getting desperate is to build your resilience. The art of being able to bounce back after things go wrong. If you know you'll recover, you will be more relaxed when things are looking dubious.

[alphamale]

only see them once a week

[preraph]

I'm sorry you have insecurity from your abandonment issues. But you're right, it will make you create what you fear most. At least you're aware of it and able to at least not act the way you feel.

 

I think you just have to take time to let the relationship grow without allowing yourself to overreact and then maybe with time and leaving the door open (not monitoring her), when it's the right person, you may start trusting more. Really, part of the key is leaving the door open. If you just worry and monitor someone, in the end you don't know if they'd stay of their own free will or not. But if you leave that door open and don't try to cage the person with actions or words and after a time, they always come back and always show up, you'll know it's what they want and feel a little better and be able to relax more.

 

I suppose therapy might drill down and make you focus on your insecurity more, but you're already pretty lucid about it. I realize just knowing it doesn't make it go away. And it can make dating kind of torture. I've been there. But just try to stay busy and not focus on all that. Have something else you can do or go somewhere or whatever when you start stewing about it.

 

Get through it without making it her problem. There will be ones who don't stay because that's true of literally everyone when dating. But once there's one who's really reciprocating feelings and you have enough in common and you're both of a certain age, one will come along and if you can chill through the initial stages, you can start feeling comfortable and trusting.

 

But one thing that is against you is your age . This is the age people typically are NOT focusing on one person for very long. It's the age of exploration and change. People go off to a job or college and their world expands and they outgrow high school friends and rapidly move on into different social circles. So it just may be that you need to relax and enjoy a relationship for the next few years without thinking it's going to last forever, because that usually comes after couples are a bit older, like late 20s.

[Mr. Lucky]

As time passes she starts becoming a little bit more distant and taking longer to answer her phone

 

Technology and social media has imposed "response time" as a relationship metric, one I don't understand. There seems to be endless angst over FB, text, IM's and voicemails, almost superseding things like - does she make you happy when you're together? Do you look forward to seeing her? Does she seem to enjoy your company?

 

Jxabynebk, more real life emphasis and less worrying about the digital world. The latter only stokes your fears...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bc72fgbjbc]

I think you just have to take time to let the relationship grow without allowing yourself to overreact and then maybe with time and leaving the door open (not monitoring her), when it's the right person, you may start trusting more. Really, part of the key is leaving the door open. If you just worry and monitor someone, in the end you don't know if they'd stay of their own free will or not. But if you leave that door open and don't try to cage the person with actions or words and after a time, they always come back and always show up, you'll know it's what they want and feel a little better and be able to relax more.

 

You're right, but the thing is: we've been dating for almost 2 months now, and I don't see much progress in our relationship. I try to apply those advices, to leave the door open without monitoring her and texting her all the time, but it almost feels like if I wouldn't send her messages every day, we would barely even talk. In discussion it's always me who does all the effort and I don't feel like I know much more about her than I did a month ago. In real life she does her part (she drove an hour after work, late at night, last week just to hang out with me) but we only see each other like once a week, or maybe twice if we're lucky.

We had a small discussion about exclusivity and it seems we're officially dating and she even said she would be happy to meet my mom (she suggested it herself), but she doesn't seem so sure she wants me to meet her folks yet so I cannot go to her house. That's a bit strange for someone who wants to be exclusive with me.

So yeah, there's many things triggering my insecurities right now, but I try to keep my head up and not overreact to anything. It's more and more difficult tho.