Wife and Ex Bf

[Augustus64]

My wife and I met going on 4 years ago . we dated for 3 years then decided to tie the knot 4 months ago. before our relationship she dated someone for a year that i would consider a serious relationship . it went sour through a combination of maybe not being the best fit, to her ex just simply not being mature enough at the time for what she wanted . Anyway prior to us getting serious with our dating she met with him and told him that they were better off as friends and they both parted ways amicably . she has always spoken well of him certainly much higher than her other exes . i am not the jealous type so when she said they were friends i trusted just that . they have maintained communication throughout our relationship and i thought nothing of it . until recently i was up late trying to figure out why her airpods werent connecting to her phone and i see 2 text msgs from him . mind you its 1:30 am . so reluctantly i invaded her privacy but my spidey senses were tingling . low and behold i come to find out they text daily and all throughout the day . any good news that comes her way he is one of the first people that she delivers it too . also there are maybe 25 pictures that hes sent her . they are primarily pictures of him at a bar or at a basketball game . she hasnt sent one . they are however very flirty . i was particularly upset when i saw that she told him goodnight after texting in the wee hours of the night as i lay beside her sleeping. she then sent him the kissy face emoji. after that he told her he loved her to which she replied "is it true?" he says "always" then she sends a Heart emoji . i would say primarily he is the one thats overly flirtatious, but she never stops him or puts him in his place establishing boundaries and clear lines of communication. i confronted her about it calmly and she tells me that its nothing, not a big deal, but admitted that her mistake was not establishing these bounderies . today she came home from work and told me she has deleted every conversation and has blocked all lines of communication with him . i feel that through these messages she has made it clear that there is still something there for him and vice versa . she has lost my trust and respect two pillars of a good marriage . am i overreacting for thinking about a divorce? she says she hasnt been intimate with him in any way shape or form and i do believe her. but i also feel like since he lives in another country there hasnt been ample opportunity either . would really like some sound advice . thank you .

[Atwood]

This is a big deal and you are, quite rightly, very hurt over it. It’s a kick in the teeth when someone you love is treading along, and crossing, boundaries that you’re uncomfortable with. The important thing is that you must not let her sweep it under the carpet and carry on like normal at this moment in time. The issue will become awkward and difficult to talk about the longer you leave it, and she will think you’re letting it rest. You need to discuss this and resolve it (or not) immediately.

 

There’s a lot of things to consider.

Is this a dealbreaker for you?

Can you ever trust her again?

Is the relationship you have worth rebuilding trust?

Do you have reason to believe she would cheat on you?

What does your gut tell you?

 

There are no wrong answers to those questions. There are only right ones for you. If you are hurt, if you feel betrayed, if you’re considering divorce, those are all valid feelings and you can’t be wrong for feeling them, because you just are.

 

The next step is for you to explain to your wife that you need to have a conversation about this and you need for her to hear you out and just be open to discussing how you’re feeling and to be open to answering any questions you have so you can establish a good foundation for rebuilding trust and gaining the reassurance you need to do this.

If she is defensive, angry, accusing or blaming, those are red flags.

 

If she is empathetic, understanding, apologetic and cooperative, this is good. It’s then up to you to ask the questions you want answering, and to communicate to her that she has broken your trust and that in order to move forward, you need to work together to rebuild it.

 

Alternatively, if you cannot trust her again and this is going to keep hurting you, nobody can force you to stay. It’s okay to leave if that’s what you need to do. You don’t have to be satisfied with the answers she gives you as an explanation.

[salparadise]

Four months in... gosh, I feel for you man. Must be devastating. I don't think you're wrong or overreacting. Of course it's up to you to decide, but if you want to save it then marriage counseling would be mandatory. She needs to earn your trust back, to say the least. If that isn't possible, then what's left?

[PegNosePete]

i confronted her about it calmly and she tells me that its nothing, not a big deal, but admitted that her mistake was not establishing these bounderies . today she came home from work and told me she has deleted every conversation and has blocked all lines of communication with him

Wow, there's one of the fastest turnarounds I've ever seen. One day it's nothing and no big deal, and the next she's completely removed a long, close friendship from her life, just because you had a problem with it?

 

People don't turn around that quickly. Whenever this happens there's always denial, kicking and screaming (or sharing of feelings) before the inappropriate friendship is cut off. It never, ever happens as you describe, in 1 day after 1 conversation in which she denies it's inappropriate. Her actions don't add up... and if it doesn't add up, it means it's not true.

 

I am sure the part about deleting all the conversations is true. She doesn't want you re-reading them, or looking back any further, or finding their messages on other platforms. And so all the evidence is now deleted. But if you believe she has blocked ALL communication with such a close, long term friend, just one day after you mentioned one time that you had a problem with it, then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

What makes a lot more sense is that she has told you this line to appease you, but in reality they are still communicating, maybe through a secret email account, hidden app, or something. And it's likely she is deleting all conversations straight away. It might be difficult for you to uncover it now, she will be extra careful because she knows you're suspicious...

[d0nnivain]

I don't have a suspicious mind. When I first got married I also struggled mightily with what was OK & what was not.

 

Since the messages were flirty but not sexual I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. When you 1st talked to her she probably got defensive. Since in her mind it was no big deal she felt attacked & reacted. When she cooled down, she decided to be more honorable.

 

The 1st year DH & I were married there was some woman he worked with. I didn't like how he treated her at all. She to her credit went out of her way to assure me there was nothing there but DH just didn't get why I turned into a psycho when it came to her. Eventually he cut her out of his life & I simmered down.

 

In this situation I think trust but verify is the operative phrase.

[doyathinkso]

Four months in??!!! Just 4 months married??

 

 

This is still early into your honeymoon stage! She should have eyes for nobody but you, be all over you!

 

 

Seriously, you may be married but she is not married, at least not in her head.

 

 

This is very very bad. You should think about bailing right now. It may not be too late for an annulment. Talk to a lawyer, like yesterday!!

[Marc878]

At a time when you should be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage she's having this much/kind of contact with an X? Doesn't sound like she's all that invested in the marriage.

 

Her words won't mean much. Her future actions will tell you more. Trust but verify.

 

I sure wouldn't want to be a marriage warden but at the least trust is broken.

 

The problem you have now is with communications today she could easily go underground with this.

[Augustus64]

My gut tells me she has feelings for him, perhaps not to be romantically involved with him or seek that aspect out, but something that blurs the line of whats appropriate certainly .

is the relationship worth building back up, yes? do i believe she would cheat on me? no. idkno at this moment if i could ever trust her again as i did for the first 4 years, but i also need to clear my head . its interesting how in an instant all of that can be completely wiped out. Yesterday when we spoke she said shes willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make it work. i believed her when she said it . i just dont know right now

[Mr. Lucky]

At a time when you should be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage she's having this much/kind of contact with an X? Doesn't sound like she's all that invested in the marriage.

 

The issue in a nutshell. That's a lot of air escaping from the balloon that is your marriage.

 

Augustus64, your wife certainly has poor boundaries, an issue you should bring up in the marriage counseling appointment you need to make. If she says she'll do anything, let her prove it by doing the heavy lifting involved in self-improvement and relationship repair. Hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Most in these situations want to believe badly because they can't imagine anything else. Upfront in these situations most just want them back without thinking long term.

 

Right now she is in self protection mode. They for the most part will promise the moon.

 

Her actions speak a lot louder than her words. You would be smart to take a step back and reevaluate this.

 

It's your call at this time. No one else has any say.

 

It's just disturbing this early on for this to rear its head. From what I've seen most people can manage or control their character flaws but never quite change them.

 

You get 10-15 years into this with kids it's a whole different ballgame.

[Marc878]

The other thing is her X may have been a part of this but your wife is the main culprit. He was only taking what she was willingly giving.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater is a myth. They don't always but at this time you just don't know what you have here.

[Marc878]

Make no mistake from what you've posted. This was an emotional affair. It's cheating. What if they had met up physically?

 

An EA with contact most often leads to leads to a physical affair.

 

You are now dealing with the unknown. Not a great place to be.

 

Limbo is s a self imposed state. She may have put you where you are but you are the only one that can keep you there.

 

Sorry you're here. Hope it works out ok for you.

 

Your wife from her words sounds like R can be achieved but words don't count for muck.

 

She should if she's honest write her OM a no contact letter and you verify before sending it.

[Marc878]

My gut tells me she has feelings for him, perhaps not to be romantically involved with him or seek that aspect out, but something that blurs the line of whats appropriate certainly .

is the relationship worth building back up, yes? do i believe she would cheat on me? no. idkno at this moment if i could ever trust her again as i did for the first 4 years, but i also need to clear my head . its interesting how in an instant all of that can be completely wiped out. Yesterday when we spoke she said shes willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make it work. i believed her when she said it . i just dont know right now

 

Look at the facts and try to stay out of denial.

[Mr. Lucky]

today she came home from work and told me she has deleted every conversation and has blocked all lines of communication with him .

 

I understand blocking him, but why delete all the conversations? Someone who's truly remorseful and solution-oriented understands transparency is part of the process.

 

My guess - there was something there that, if found, would have caused you even more angst and concern than you already have.

 

You have lots to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[salparadise]

Since the messages were flirty but not sexual I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Benefit of what doubt?

 

The guy is an ex-bf (sexual partner) that she was with for a year, immediately prior to OP. Their contact was daily, and all throughout the day. She was texting flirty and sending kissy faces while in bed with OP. The guy says he loves her and she replies "is it true?", asking him to elucidate.

 

A boundary issue might be occasional overly friendly texting with an opposite sex friend or coworker that she had NOT dated or had sex with. This is a different animal altogether.

 

Some women simply have no ability to resist extra curricular sexualized attention. They love it so much that they find ways to rationalize it as "no bid deal," harmless fun and such... even while bed with her husband. Serious character deficit is what I call it. Her fun little attention-seeking thing just turned her husband's world upside down, and there's no easy fix. Certainly not words attempting to minimize. No big deal––pfffft.

[Turning point]

. i would say primarily he is the one thats overly flirtatious, but she never stops him or puts him in his place..

 

This is the same observation I reached when looking more closely at my serial cheating ex. She would string the men along, always because they had something she wanted.. money, contacts, business connections, sales territory, ego, etc. She was first and foremost, a user.

 

Your wife may not be quite so Machiavellian. She probably sees the distance of a foreign country as a safety buffer and her ego enjoys toying with her ex. Just as in my case - the xBF believes he has a deep connection with her and she keeps that fire smoldering. This is likely how the two of them have always related - and why the relationship never really worked in close proximity.

 

It's a very dangerous game to play. In my case the men were all within drive time and each believed he was her knight in shining armor, even competing between themselves, and against my marriage. My xW developed such a high opinion of herself and all her suitors that she became intolerable, displaying nothing but contempt.

 

You're early enough in your relationship to remain calm and measure her response to your concerns. You don't need to go all Sherlock Holmes on her (and it's unhealthy to do so) but, pay attention to your gut. You'll know soon enough if she has turned and learned, or is building an underground railroad.

Edited July 19, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

idkno at this moment if i could ever trust her again as i did for the first 4 years, but i also need to clear my head . its interesting how in an instant all of that can be completely wiped out.

 

My experience is that for me, it was not instantaneously wiped out. It was eroded incrementally over time, or was faked from the very beginning. I didn't know how to measure it, how to deal with it, therefore I didn't really see it for what it was until I one day I read the messages, as did you.

 

That's when I realized the shoreline was gone. Later, something she said in reply to a marriage counselor struck like a flash freeze. In that moment, every instance of frustration, pain, or confusion I had ever felt in that relationship crystallized around those words. I knew in that instance that everything I believed about my marriage and this person, was not real.

 

Every person confronted with infidelity is consumed by one question: "How far?" How far back do I have to go to find something that was real? This is what the lies and secrecy of infidelity do to the betrayed.

Edited July 19, 2019 by Turning point

[schlumpy]

Divorce is a personal decision on your part. Everyone has a different threshold.

 

If you hadn't caught her where would it have led? That would have been on my mind.

 

I didn't like that she erased all the evidence so quickly unless it was at your request. It felt like damage control.

 

I think the price of taking her back is eternal vigilance. Eternal vigilance could have an expiration date but you are still talking years.

 

It all comes down to what she does to make it right. You will soon find out.

 

 

Best Wishes