In Utter Disbelief

[Jana]

This is a little personal, but I don't know where to go. I've been dating this man for nearly 8 months. We waited to sleep together until we both felt comfortable with one another, and were committed to one another. Let me just say as a matter pertinent to this relationship that my boyfriend has a great need to be told that he is loved, etc., but I didn't realize this until recently. Previously, in experiences with guys I have had, they are almost scared off by an overly-affectionate woman, but my current man needs that public affection, and I just didn't want to scare him off too quickly.

 

So, our lovemaking is very passionate and loving, and I orgasm regularly. However, I am just not overly verbally expressive (like, "oh yeah, oh yeah") and I use my breathing and more visual cues as the expression on my face. I never see words as saying enough to express how I am feeling, almost feel like a fraud if I just say something i heard off of a movie, etc. I am blown away by our intimate moments together, and he obviously cares greatly about pleasing me--goes so far to put my pleasure above his own.

 

About a month and a half ago, my bf asked me if I was even pleased at all, because all I ever did was change my breathing. I told him of course I was, etc. that was all i heard about it.

 

Recently, we begin making love, and he switches to oral sex until I get off. Finally this came to a head, and I asked him what was on his mind. He says he never even knew that I had orgasmed with him before during lovemaking. (recently i haven't because I've been too worried about what is going on, so i was thinking too much about him). So he tells me, "why didn't you just get selfish and think about yourself? i would trade a lifetime of getting-off to please you. and if you're not thinking about yourself, you won't be pleased." I told him that making love, in my eyes, is all about being united with another person, and how could he even suggest that it was wrong not to orgasm because i cared about him and was thinking more about him than myself? I also told him that I'm just not very elaborate with words, but that doesn't mean that i'm not having amazing experiences with him, and that he does please me. My mind has just been worried about him lately, rather than in the moment.

 

he wants to break up over this, and thinks that i must not really love him because he doesn't please me. #1. I love him and he knows it #2. I am pleased by him, just maybe not as vocally and elaborately expressive as he may be used to.

 

Anyone have any ideas or experience in dealing with such an overly-sensitive guy? He is so worried about this one aspect of our relationship that isn't even an issue, but he's made it into the hugest issue, and I don't know what to do exactly. Help!

[sparkle]

I've met a couple overly-sensitive and insecure guys, and from what I know, they need to be constantly reassured that they are good enough for me, that they please me...etc.

 

Describe this to him in exactly the same way you described it to us. It should help him out. If he still doesn't figure out that you are pleased by him, then you have to make a decision. Do you want to stay with him and just reassure him more often, or do you want to end the relationship and find a guy who won't be with way with you?

 

It's totally up to you.

[Tony T]

Your description of this problem sort of spooked me. This guy sounds really kookie. I mean you sound like you love him with all your heart. What the hell more does he want?

 

If he is not mature enough to understand different personality types and that you aren't a screamer and a scratcher, I think he may not be mature or open minded enough for you.

 

Sit and have another talk with him. If it's that important to you, go a sit with a sex therapist and have the therapist explain the differences in people and styles of lovemaking.

 

I do not consider this problem to be typical of an incompatibility except to the extent that lovemaking noise is so important to him he is willing to break up with you over it. You are who you are. Do you want a guy who doesn't want a lady who doesn't want to make love and noise like a chimpanzee at the same time?

 

If you can't get this straight, I think a break up is in order. Frankly, I can't believe a sane human being would use this as a reason for parting with such a nice lady. There's gotta be a lot more he's not telling you. See if you can get it out of him.

 

This is ridiculous.

[somewhatSympathetic]

i can kind of get where your guy is coming from. it seems like theres more and more pressure on guys to be good in bed. and if he doesnt know how you're doing, he's going to think the worst. no news is bad news in that department. in my case, and perhaps in your guy's, i was going from one girlfriend who left no question of whether or not she is having a good time to one who, like you it sounds, keeps it to herself. for a while i was pretty insecure about what was going on in her half of the bed. that's something that's important to me, and to alot of guys....we usually get to orgasm, and it seems only fair that the fairer half should too, and when it looks like we might not be doing that, we get worried....

 

on the other hand, however, i found other hints of my new lover's satisfaction that now seem as obvious as the more blatant ones from the relationship before, and if you really are enjoying yourself and he hasnt picked up on that in 8 months, something may be wrong there....also, if he wants to break up over something like this, that really seems to point to some insecurity or some other unhappy little quirk of his that's working double overtime.....i guess my best advice is what's already been said, talk it out with him, try and let him know whats really going on, and hopefully he'll get the picture...

[Jana]

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to hear what other people have to say. I talked to him last night, and told him again that I just wasn't as elaborately vocal as some people are. The thing is, he's not that vocal either, so I don't see the rub. He's so intent on making me happy, though, that it worries me. There is more to this story. He won't pick out a movie, he always wants me to. he won't pick out a restaurant, he wants me to. i asked him what the deal was, and he said that he just wanted to make sure that i fully enjoyed everything that we did, because he'd be happy doing anything with me. So, i know that he truly cares, but when it goes to the extent of being offended that i may not be sexually pleasured by him because i am not as vocal, i wonder what i do, because i am very pleased by him, and love him dearly. I've told him many times now, and he's been mentioning little things like, "yeah, i know, you're just a little bit more reserved and quiet," but i know it's still a huge issue that he's now trying to avoid. we're kind of taking a break for a while, and just talking about things. i fear that it would be so insincere if i just started trying to voice my opinions more--because he knows i am quiet. would that be even more offensive to someone to just try and be a little bit more expressive?