My situation. Separated & feeling physically sick

[brngme2life76]

I was wondering if anyone can shed some light to my dliemma. I have posted before and everyone gave me some great advice, and I thank you for that.

 

I have been separated for about a month now and am going through a very difficult time, I am sick to my stomach and I am not sleeping well. I am shaking constantly due to my nerves being shot, I guess. My thoughts are always on him and what he gives me in terms of signals, when he talks or acts around me. I get very confused in all the mess and I feel like I am going nuts.

 

He tells me he is not coming back right now and anything I do will not make him come back right now. He tells me he dont love me and does not miss anything about me. So here is where I get confused. On Friday he came to pick up the kids for the weekend. He came in as always to be civil to me and normally just leaves right away. I had a weekend planned to go out of town and just get away, I had given him the details on the phone already so he knew my plans. I had been in the bedroom looking out my window watching my dogs play in the back yard and had not realized the dogs had been let in by my son already, but I continued to look out back thinking about us of course and how much I miss him. He then showed up at my door and asked what I was doing. I told him I was watching the dogs play and he said they are already in. I said yea i realized that now and was just looking out back. I expected him to say he was leaving and then get the kids and go. He did not do that right away, he sat on the bed and asked me again about my weekend, when I was leaving who was I going to see and was anyone going with me, when will I be back, etc..... . I had already told him my details so he knew all of this like I said. So I told him again and mind you when he is around me I shake uncontrollably and get nervous and my heart flutters. After I told him again he continued to sit on the bed and look around the room in silence. I have a sex book on the night stand in my room and he has never seen it before so he picked it up and looked over it, I just spoke and said I like the stories and it was a good book. He put it back down and sat there again in silence, I kept waiting for him to leave like he normally does and still he sat there. He then got up and I thought he was going and he went to the window and looked out of it for awhile while I was standing there at my dresser stareing at him do that. I at that moment wanted so bad to hug him and I fear rejection so I dare not touch him, I would hurt more if he rejected me. So then after a minute or so he sat back down again and said he had to go, I said ok and he came into the living room and walked around the main area and looked at the pics I have of us on vacation last year at a water park. I asked him do you remember that and wasnt it fun? He said yea it was. The kids were sitting there watching a movie and he turned around and watched a few minutes of it while I went back to my room and then to clean the bathroom. He then I guess after a while he told them lets go and they came to tell me bye and he went outside to the truck while they told me their goodbyes. I went to the door and watched them pile in the truck and he looked at me and they were off. I watched them till I could no longer from the porch.

 

I am really confused about him sitting in the room with me for that long when he told me he is trying to keep his distance from me. Is that wrong that I felt something was running in his mind while he sat there knowing he is distanceing himself from me? Mixed signals is what I get. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels by what he tells me, I just cant shake that he did that with me for about 15 minutes time, thats the longest time I have spent with him in weeks. I loved it. I really miss him so much and it is hard to miss someone and they not miss you back.

 

Thank you for responding if you do and thanks for reading my dilemma. Or confuseing moment for me whatever you call it. Hehehe.

[Zetter]

first of all, go the urgent care and get some Lorazepam. That helped me considerably. i was able to sleep and function like a normal person. It reduced my severe depression, although I was still extremely sad. I'm going through a divorce right now - I love my wife and want her back so bad it hurts. But she doesn't want me and I deserve better. Easy to say, ridiculously hard to believe. After a solid month I'm beginning to believe it, and I've cried every day. But I am beginning to see the light - if someone doesn't want you, the only thing you can do is move on.

[Yikes]

What you are going through is normal. You are grieving. It's all a process and you need to go through it in order to come out the other side with your sanity in tact.

 

I would recommend a few things though. Keep busy. Exercise. Eat well. Try to sleep better. Be good to yourself. TRY not to worry about the things that are out of your control. (this one is really tough for me). You might want to get rid of things in your house that make you feel bad like letters, cards or photos etc. I'm not suggesting that you throw them out, just get them out of sight - maybe give them to a friend for safe keeping for a while.

 

Lastly focus on the good things in your life like your kids, your friends and your family.

 

Hang in there and be strong, your kids need you to be strong and in control - just do your best.

 

Y

[JosiePosie]

 

I am too going through a break up. At first, I thought it would be a temporary separation, but now I have to accept it as a break up. I am seeing that my bf is not the man he said that he is. He pushed me away emotionally and physically when I needed emotional support (family problems), saying that he needs time to be alone. He emailed me last week saying that he is sorry and that he wants to talk once he is seeing clearly. How can someone who said they loved you, treat you like a hindrance?? Especially after all the love and support I have shown him.

 

It really hurts knowing that the person you thought was "the one" isn't. We were excited to be with each other, moved in together, then at the beginning of August, things went downhill fast. He is not willing to talk or work on the relationship, he just wants to be alone for awhile.

 

Since then, I cry all the time, I am staying at friends, can't eat, I don't sleep properly. I made an appointment to see a doctor later this week. I have decided to use up my paid sick leave and stay with my parents for the duration. I feel very abandoned by him.

[brngme2life76]

I kinda realized the feelings I was going through were normal. I was wondering if anyone can help with the part on mixed signals. I am confused on the whole thing. One day he dont want me and the next he is sitting there and staying with me in silence like as if he was wanted to say something, he was being nice too. Just confused is what I am right now. I am going to make a Doctor appt. this week so I can get my prescription refilled, I take Celexa for panic attacks and depression. I have ran out for about a month now and forgot all about it with all thats going on here at home. My bad. But thanks if you can give me advice on the other situation. I really appreciate it.

[cherrysoduh]

Hey bring, I know what you mean my H is sending me what I think are mixed signals. He will ask me stupid things like what do your parents think? I don't know why he would even care what my parents think. And he already knows what they think.....he needs to grow up and suck it up. HAHA I'm sorry things haven't really gotten any better for you yet. Maybe you can write him a letter or something and tell him how you feel with out blaming him for anything. And tell him things that you would like to change, but do not blame him for anything. I learned in therapy to try and use the words "I feel" instead of "you." For example "I feel hurt when you don't call if you are going to stay out late" instead of "You always stay out late you don't care about me." That way he doesn't get offensive as if you are blaming him. I suggest maybe going and talking to someone a therapist or something, it seems to be helping me.

 

I'm sorry I haven't been able to contact you other than on LS but college, work and my daughter are exhausting me. I am off this weekend I will try and reach you on YahooIM if I see you on this weekend.

[debilou]

Read self help books, get into individual counseling, Celexa ASAP, never again go without your Celexa.

 

He is having a crisis, a crisis that is our of your hands. He has to work through this.

 

My H left almost a year ago and I STILL think about him, our marriage, his crisis, etc. 24 hours a day. It's not easy letting it go. I am in counseling.

 

Your H's problem has nothing to do with you. In time you will see that. I promise. You have to be strong and go on. The worst thing you can do is fall apart in front of him. Or leave him sad or mad messages. All of which I have done.

 

Your H is probably completely mixed up about what he wants. Have you been to http://www.marriagebuilders.com yet?

 

Do that now, it will be a real eye opener.

 

I just found a new book: Sudden Endings, very interesting. It's where a man takes all his negative feelings about himself and puts them into his W. He becomes allergic to her. Great book so far, I'm only on the 4th chapter.

 

The library is a great free resource. So is LS and MB.

 

If you have time on your hands read my thread: "Recently separated and depressed". First hand account of the last year of the emotional rollercoaster I'm still on.

 

I'm here for you, I only hope my words help you feel like you can get through this horrible time.

 

Debilou

[Trimmer]

Hey, Debilou - is that book (Sudden Endings) fiction or non-fiction, and do you have an author reference?

[debilou]

Trimmer,

 

The book is by Madeline Bennett. "Sudden Endings, Wife Rejection in Happy Marriages".

 

She is/was a happily marriage woman who was devastated after her husband did what spouses of both genders do all the time.

 

I'm about 1/3 the way thru the book. I believe this is what my stbxh is experiencing.

 

I hope this helps you. For me I just need to understand what's the truth!

 

Debilou

[brngme2life76]

I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in this time of need. It means the world to me.

 

You have helped me see things in a different light. I need that. I look forward to things looking better in my future, I really do. I am still going to hurt and wish for him to come back to me, he is a good man and I lost that.

 

He worked his ass off for our family and I took total advantage of that. I felt I did not need to work and clean the house like I should have to help support our family. I am not blameing it all on me but I did not help his loneliness by not being there for him when he needed me.

 

We had good talk today when he came over to bring me some groceries I did not even ask for. We talked about alot and he is still not coming back right now, but I felt more from him than I have in the last month since he left. We talked about how we both feel at this point in the separation, dividing our stuff when he gets his own place (I hated that part of it) and sex. We both not have had sex since he came over for our anniversary a few weeks ago and we are both wanting to real bad. We both agreed that is not right for us as we would both have mixed feelings on it. He asked me why do I want to with him and what do I get out of it? I told him I do it because I love you and want to be close with you. I asked what about you? He said he has always loved that with me as it did bring us closer when we were having a bad time. I told him never to forget that. I just want to be close to him. I cried. I also hugged him when he was standing at the door of our bedroom with is back to me. I hugged him tightly and put my hands on his chest, he grabbed my hands and held them tightly on his chest. He put his head down and I felt his chest as if he was going to cry. I dont think he would have but I felt like there is more to him than what he says to me.

 

He is everything a woman could ask for in a husband, loyal, honest, hardworking and considerate. I just wish I would have paid more attention to that.

 

Debi, I want to commend you for being a strong woman through your trials. Your posts in the past year show that in you. It gives me the will to go on. Your husband dont deserve you! I am going to go and get a few books that you suggested to read and shine some light on my situation.

 

LJ, I want to say you are very knowledgable in these matters and have great advice to give anyone!! You are great! TY!

 

I dont know where I would be without LS. Just reading posts does alot for me. Thank you again everyone!!

 

~Eve~

[Falcon554]

I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in this time of need. It means the world to me.

 

You have helped me see things in a different light. I need that. I look forward to things looking better in my future, I really do. I am still going to hurt and wish for him to come back to me, he is a good man and I lost that.

 

He worked his ass off for our family and I took total advantage of that. I felt I did not need to work and clean the house like I should have to help support our family. I am not blameing it all on me but I did not help his loneliness by not being there for him when he needed me.

 

We had good talk today when he came over to bring me some groceries I did not even ask for. We talked about alot and he is still not coming back right now, but I felt more from him than I have in the last month since he left. We talked about how we both feel at this point in the separation, dividing our stuff when he gets his own place (I hated that part of it) and sex. We both not have had sex since he came over for our anniversary a few weeks ago and we are both wanting to real bad. We both agreed that is not right for us as we would both have mixed feelings on it. He asked me why do I want to with him and what do I get out of it? I told him I do it because I love you and want to be close with you. I asked what about you? He said he has always loved that with me as it did bring us closer when we were having a bad time. I told him never to forget that. I just want to be close to him. I cried. I also hugged him when he was standing at the door of our bedroom with is back to me. I hugged him tightly and put my hands on his chest, he grabbed my hands and held them tightly on his chest. He put his head down and I felt his chest as if he was going to cry. I dont think he would have but I felt like there is more to him than what he says to me.

 

He is everything a woman could ask for in a husband, loyal, honest, hardworking and considerate. I just wish I would have paid more attention to that.

 

Debi, I want to commend you for being a strong woman through your trials. Your posts in the past year show that in you. It gives me the will to go on. Your husband dont deserve you! I am going to go and get a few books that you suggested to read and shine some light on my situation.

 

LJ, I want to say you are very knowledgable in these matters and have great advice to give anyone!! You are great! TY!

 

I dont know where I would be without LS. Just reading posts does alot for me. Thank you again everyone!!

 

~Eve~

 

Eve, im with you just I did it to my wife. I thought that not going out or cheating on her was about all I had to do, I ignored my wife, for years. I verbal abused at times.

 

She had an affair, tho she seperated after only seeing the guy 1 time. that was 4 months ago and since then I have worked my butt off. She is in a mid life crisis and this at the sametime. she is slowly comming out of it. But im afraid I have lost her forever. Tho we are good friends, I was there for her when she found out what a bad man the guy she was seeing really was. See I was her only one for 21 years, she was molested as a 8 year old girl. So you see how my stupidity lead her right into that mess.

 

She made the choice but damn if I did not treat her the way she needed to be treated or anyone needs to be treated.

 

Give your husband sometime. Seperation can be a good thing. Gives you both time to think about everything and I wish you luck.

 

Scott

[brngme2life76]

I am doing real bad. My cousin who I grew up with passed away yesterday morning. I am lost and lonely. I just talked to him the other day and he was making fun of me on the phone. I am so upset by this. I dont have my H to be here to comfort me when I feel I need it. Me and my cousin grew up together and were close. I am grieving for him and I am grieving for my marriage at the same time. This is the 3rd death in our family this year and I cant take anymore hurt in my life. My H came over last night to comfort me and I did not ask him too. That was real great of him. I appreciated it very much. I cried and cried and he hugged me to help me feel better.

 

When I was done crying he sat there with me for awhile. I asked him to be brutally honest with me and let me know what I can expect of this marriage. He told me that he dont think he will come back to me. WHOA!! talk about a blow to the heart. I have been trying to work things out and he gives me mixed signals all the time. I dont think he knows what he wants to be honest. He is confused about things and the way our marriage was when he left was bad. No communication between us at all and sex was once a week or more. Never longer than 2 weeks though. He is scared that things will go back to the way they were, I am scared of that too. I have made alot of changes in my life for the better and I do not want to relive all the mistakes I made along the way. I want things to be the way they were when we did things together and communicated all the time. I have no idea what happened and why we stopped doing all of that. They are still there I know that. We had alot of good times this year but the last few months were bad.

 

I told him I am going to not bug him anymore and stop trying. He just shook his head and that was it. I actually never bugged him at all since he left so what I have been doing is what I am going to continue to do. I hope one day he sees that I mean what I say when I am making changes in my life to better me and my family. If at that time I am over him then that is his loss. I tried and I tried. All I can do is give him time and let him get over the hurt he has on how bad our marriage was when he left. I am going to do the same, take time to sort my head out. I will miss him very much, especially the little things and I do love him with all my heart.

 

_________________________________________________________

~I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way~

[Ladyjane14]

So sorry to hear about your cousin. What a terrible loss, with so much else going on in your life right now too.

 

You're going to need some support. And sadly, I don't think you'll be able to rely on your husband for it.

 

If you're not in IC (individual counseling) at this time....please consider it. You've got ALOT on your plate. Having someone you can talk to, who can give you detailed, professional advice, will make you feel so much better.

 

Your 'team-mate' has flaked out on you. And there's no way to know if he'll be back. You need a surrogate for right now. Someone in your corner that can help you look out for yourself.

 

Call your health insurance plan to get information on plan benefits, and a list of preferred providers.

 

Don't try to get through all this alone. It's confusing and difficult enough, without all this extra grief piled on top of it.

 

You can do it. It's just one baby-step at a time. The first of which is to make some calls and get some support.

[Yikes]

Hey, listen to LadyJane, she doles out great advice. You have friends here so don't be afraid to lean us.

[RecordProducer]

I am very sorry to hear about your cousin and the other two family members that passed away this year. I also feel for your pain regarding your separation.

 

In my opinion, not all hopes are lost. It sounds like he is very disappointed by the past years of your marriage and is trying to get through his own pain. If you want him back, you need to see things from his perspective. It also sounds likehe loves you, but is afraid that things wouldn't change if you would get back together.

 

You need to let him know that you realize your faults and deeply regret your mistakes. Don't criticize him about anything at this point. It will make him even more defensive. Admit to him that you are willing to change and work on yourself. But most of all, be cheerfula dn sweet to him!

 

Don't push him right now. Let him summerize the new positive impressions. but in order that he does it, you need to let him see for himself that you are again the woman he fell in love with once. He needs time. You need to stay calm, sane, and upbeat when he is around. No more crying. Just be meek and nice.

[brngme2life76]

I want to thank you all for being supportive. You all have great advice and I will take it gladly.

 

I know that is his problem. All the bad that went on in the past year ate at him and he thinks it is impossible to make change since we have tried to numerous times and failed. We did not act on our commitments to change, especially me on that part. I got comfortable with the thought that he was always going to be here. I never stopped to realize he needed me too in alot of ways.

 

Just to hear the words, "I think I am not coming back" hurts so much. I have let him know that I have realized my faults and deeply regret my mistakes. So that part is said already. I have not critized him at all. I have pushed him to come back and that I have regreted it because it does push him away, he gets defensive and does not want to talk about it so he always says " I am going to go" when the subject comes up. I always get so mad at myself when I start in on it again.

 

I am going to try to be cheerful and sweet to him when he is around. I do tend to get sad when I see him and I hear his voice. I am going to try the calm, sane and upbeat approach when he comes around and I talk to him on the phone. I am going to kill him with kindness.

 

I do have the feeling he loves me even though he says he did not when he left by some of his actions when he comes around. Sometimes he does not leave right away and sits for periods of time in silence when it is just the 2 of us in a room alone. Normally in the beginning he would just stop in quick for our son and tell him " Lets go" and then he would say bye and leave. He says he cares for me and would not want anything bad to happen to me. I really loved it when he came over last night to be with me when I needed him, I did not ask for him to do that or gave the impression I wanted him to come over either. I was shocked when he did. I am still the woman he fell in love with, I just put her away for a long time.

 

I am not on any insurance at the moment, so I can not go to a counselor for me. I do not have a job at the moment, I have been looking everyday here where I live for a month now and still nothing. I am in school for my GED right now though and that was a big step for me. We were young when we had our son (both 15 yrs old) and school for me was out of the question at the time. I never went back till now. I should graduate at the end of Oct.. We are both 29 now.

 

My Grandfather did not approve of him when we first got together. After the first year my Grandpa respected him so much for being there for me and our son and working his ass off everyday, he helped us buy our first home. Like I said before, he is a great man and I did not show my love and appreciation enough to him like I should have. He keeps telling me its too late to make changes, but I think otherwise. I am capable of change and am doing it already.

 

I want to show my appreciation to you LSers for showing kindness on my cousins passing. It is going to be a long road ahead to get over that with all the other pain on me right now. Thank You!

 

~Eve~

 

__________________________________________________________

~I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way~

[cherrysoduh]

Hey Eve,

Just reading your last post made me feel like I was reading the story of my marriage. The parts about taking advantage of always thinking he would be there, how H keeps on saying its too late and I will never change, and alot of other things that you are saying. I think that your H loves you, but I think that you have to show him that you can and will change before he can come home. I just can't believe tha there are some many similarties b/w our stories! Its crazy. But I guess no marriage is perfect huh?

 

As of right now I haven't gotten too far with my H. I have my second counseling appt tomorrow so I hope she gives me some things I can work on about myself. I know I have told him probably about 5 other times that I would change and I never held up my part of the deal. Now he doesn't believe me and I will have to show him. I know I am not perfect, I know that I need to learn how to communicate better, and not get so angry and stupid things.

 

Maybe you can call a couple of counselers, I know some of them work on a "slide scale." It goes by how much you make. Maybe you could swing the little bit of extra money and show him that you are trying to change. I'm not sure if you guys had communicatin problems or not. But I remember you saying that you would get angry at little things(like me) maybe take a couple of anger mang. classes. The help is out there, I know that there are a couple of places that offer income based advice in my area. And I only pay 37 bucks per session b/c I only make about 20,000 a year by myself. Please at least try and call a couple of places out of the yellow pages...it may help>

 

Take Care!!