Beautylife Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 In a nutshell, I'm like everyone else who thought their affair was different. There were never any illusions about leaving our spouses for each other. Our affair was more emotional than physical. But the love, or the illusion of love, is very strong for both of us. His wife saw a platonic text between us and suspected there was more to our "relationship". We went from talking/texting every day to zero. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. Cognitively I completely understand but what I didn't expect was this profound grief. I wish he'd reach out but know it's unhealthy. I lost my self esteem by constantly comparing myself to his wife. I truly miss him, our deep connection and our friendship. I feel discarded like trash but understand his actions. Thanks for letting me vent. What are the odds that I will hear from him? I need to be prepared. I need to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Congratulations on taking the next steps in your life!! You are SO much better than this and you're already doing so well compared to most people. You should be proud. You're already strong. You're already on your way to moving on. But....if you block him.....he can't contact you again and you won't have to stress about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Block him in everyday and get some therapy. Former serial cheater here. Ongoing therapy has changed my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 @beauty. Tons of people are here to help you through. Could you share more details of the last 18 months? Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 He will reach out again for sure. He will need you too lower your expectations and go further underground. Meaning less communication and etc. Only if he is completely safe and has a convenient time for you. Will you accept these circumstances to keep him in your life?? It will torture you more. Take it from someone that there xMM was caught several times. Desperate to keep the connection. Or just friendship I accepted days with NC until i had enough. It's your call its your life... make no mistake it's just keeping that bandaid intact when reality is that bandaid really needs to be wripped off with skin. I feel for you I do! Stay strong for your family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Very similar story, if you read my thread. It’s more painful that I ever imagined it to be, but it will make us happier at the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 He will reach out again for sure. He will need you too lower your expectations and go further underground. Meaning less communication and etc. Only if he is completely safe and has a convenient time for you. Will you accept these circumstances to keep him in your life?? It will torture you more. Take it from someone that there xMM was caught several times. Desperate to keep the connection. Or just friendship I accepted days with NC until i had enough. It's your call its your life... make no mistake it's just keeping that bandaid intact when reality is that bandaid really needs to be wripped off with skin. I feel for you I do! Stay strong for your family. @OP - I am sorry you are hurting. I am always ashamed to say, I know how you feel as I have been there. NW’s post here is the best truth one can relay. Be kind to yourself and have a plan in place for when he will reach back out. He absolutely will. I am sure he is also dealing with the withdrawals and is missing the A. I would suggest reading up on limerance. It was very tough to extricate myself from it, it kept me going back despite my best interests. When I had a better understanding of it, I was better able to let go. There is a marriage helper podcast on the stages of an A, strongly recommend listening. I felt a massive pit in my stomach when I read your statement about comparing yourself to his wife. I relate to that so well. Between that and his hot and cold communicating, my self esteem took a beating I’m not sure I’ll ever come back from. I hope you can block him and refocus on your family. Am I correct, you are married as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) ... what I didn't expect was this profound grief. ... I truly miss him, our deep connection and our friendship. I feel discarded like trash but understand his actions. You understand his actions because you understand this was never a friendship. Friends don't discard one another. We discard something when it's utility doesn't suit us. If this sounds like an attack on the married man, it's not. You have your own utility. You don't have a connection with the MM you are utilizing him to avoid some unwanted connection to your own truth. This is why secrecy is so important - because this claim of mutual connection instantly evaporates in the light of day. The two of you aren't even sharing the same fantasy. Each of you has your own version and utilizes the other to feed your own beast. If it was a mutual fantasy then you would have also mutually arrived at no contact. But that didn't happen did it? (Utility is unilateral.) We don't expect profound grief because avoiding our own profound grief is exactly the utility a person derives by carrying on an affair. "No matter where you go... there you are." - from the adventures of Buckeroo Bonzai The moment you lose contact your focus reverts right back to where you were when you entered the affair - desperately avoiding realization of your own profound grief. IMHO the other man isn't the source of you pain. You can't get out of an affair until you realize that you were never actually in it. It's never about him. The profound grief was already there. Edited July 18, 2019 by Turning point 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 @TP, Can you dummy that down a bit maybe put that in lamens terms, lol. Are you saying that people that cheat are running or avoiding some type of grief within themselves?? How is it that having an affair makes some people feel so complete and fulfilled with happiness. There are so many people that cheat on their spouses. Is everyone running away from something internal? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) Are you saying that people that cheat are running or avoiding some type of grief within themselves?? No, there are also people who cheat purely out of selfish entitlement. Serial cheaters are a good example. So too, are the practical or methodical cheaters who have one consistent affair spanning many years. These people are no more likely to report "profound grief" at the end of an affair than they are at the end of a vacation. The affair described by the OP is inconsistent with her level of grief - so, it reasons that the cause for grief preceded the affair. The longer you wait to deal with issues the more acute the impact. As long as the MM is available she has an excuse to focus outward, and no time to truly look inward. The affair is literally multiplying her problems. She mentions being "discarded" but qualifies it with "feeling like." That's denial. She can't face the possibility that the affair might not be real - that her MM could himself be one of the selfish types described above. She prefers to think he too, is in profound grief - knowledge to which she has no window. If he's not profoundly affected (as reacting to protect his marriage suggests) then what exactly is she grieving? It can't be connection because clearly that didn't exist. It remains a delusion. Perhaps that's the goal - that as the affair spins out of control we force justice to be metered down upon us rather than face the pain of adjudicating our own issues. Edited July 18, 2019 by Turning point 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 @TP, very interesting. I see this now much clearer. What's missing were definitely things within myself. I took so much for granted and honestly I didnt know how to fulfill or complete myself. I think something WAS missing inside of me long before this affair. Your posts are amazing and helping so many. I thank you for your support! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) It's also hard to ignore a lack of remorse in the face of profound grief. They are two sides of the same coin. The OP says she's had no intention of leaving her spouse despite this "deep connection." That's sadistic, cruel, and easily ignored while the OP is starring starry-eyed at her MM. When our best excuse for cruelty goes no contact all we're left with is accountability. Grief indeed. Edited July 18, 2019 by Turning point 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 It's also hard to ignore a lack of remorse in the face of profound grief. They are two sides of the same coin. The OP says she's had no intention of leaving her spouse despite this "deep connection." That's sadistic, cruel, and easily ignored while the OP is starring starry-eyed at her MM. When our best excuse for cruelty goes no contact all we're left with is accountability. Grief indeed. A very, very good point. Link to post Share on other sites
eastdean Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 He'll come sniffing around again when the uproar dies down, he feels safe, and has implemented better OPSEC (operational security). Once there's been a taste, it's hard to walk away from it forever. I know, because that was me. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 He'll come sniffing around again when the uproar dies down, he feels safe, and has implemented better OPSEC (operational security). Once there's been a taste, it's hard to walk away from it forever. I know, because that was me. Good luck. @eastdean what made you eventually stop forever? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleLady Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I felt a massive pit in my stomach when I read your statement about comparing yourself to his wife. I relate to that so well. Between that and his hot and cold communicating, my self esteem took a beating I’m not sure I’ll ever come back from. OP - sorry you have made it here to this forum, but know you are in good company. Since there were no illusions about leaving spouses, it was all just a fantasy based on limerence and selfish indulgence from both of you. Since the text was platonic, he likely down played the relationship and will be back when the smoke clears. Go read HowToQuit's thread and try to muster up the strength she has to avoid re-engaging. I can tell you it is much worse once you go back. @Beauty and Abetterme: In what ways did you compare yourselves to xMM's wife? Just the fact that she shares his life or is there something more? For me, my self esteem suffered because it was so easy for him to walk away...multiple times. Even though I never future faked with xMM (he did and I would flat out tell him I'm aware that men don't leave), nor did I entertain leaving my marriage, I still wanted him to SAY he would choose me over her, even if nothing could come of it. Oh the things we torture ourselves with! That they NEVER even think of! Other than W being part of his daily life, I didn't envy her in any other way. Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) @InvisibleLady Thank you for the shout out! Edited July 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator typo Link to post Share on other sites
Secretgal34 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I always want to post but afraid of being bashed because some did. I went through something similar a EA that lasted 4 months I felt the same feelings everyone feels. That crazy connection that this person could be my soulmate. He stopped talking to me with no explanation. We were also friends and had a history. I went through great lengths to do what was best. I did not seek him out and I got rid of social media. We have not spoke and I’ve been in therapy. When the smoke clears and time goes by you’ll be in less pain. It will force you to really look at your life. I am no longer in pain and I’m not looking back. I do miss the friendship, the passion we could have experienced but we had different ideas and I didn’t mean anything to him. I felt low too like I wasn’t worthy and bad about myself like I wasn’t even good enough to say goodbye to. Some say I deserve it some say he owes me nothing but it still hurt regardless. Time will heal you. I’m doing ok now so eventually you will too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) I always want to post but afraid of being bashed... We're essentially anonymous here and so are the people replying. The benefit of that is that people will often speak their mind unfiltered. The risk is that people will often speak their mind unfiltered. Think of it like a free test chamber. There's some merit in the ability to toss an idea in here and see if it's sturdy or collapses under scrutiny. We don't owe it to anyone to defend ourselves and we're not here to be graded. I treat every post as simply pass/fail on it's content - not it's author. You can have a horrible idea, even behave horribly, but it's usually only good people who would be willing to come here and take this risk. When it seems personal, I ignore it on the assumption that contempt is attached to someone's own hot-buttons. People don't have a window to our full circumstance and use their own experience to fill in the blanks. Rejection (and acceptance) is always molded in the likeness of whatever character they construct around our idea or comment. Some people relate and some people don't, some have been on opposite ends of the spear, and everyone is operating at different rungs on the ladders of self-awareness, emotional health, and compassion. Edited July 19, 2019 by Turning point 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maria1956 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 @TP, Can you dummy that down a bit maybe put that in lamens terms, lol. Are you saying that people that cheat are running or avoiding some type of grief within themselves?? How is it that having an affair makes some people feel so complete and fulfilled with happiness. There are so many people that cheat on their spouses. Is everyone running away from something internal? I'm confused. My affair makes my marriage bearable and therefore stops me from leaving. My DH thinks our marriage is good so if I left it would come as a massive shock to him. In theory an affair is a fairytale relationship, all the good bits, none of bad mundane crap that goes with real world relationships. They’re addictive and extremely hard to extricate yourself from. My own situation has taken a bit a downward turn but I’m finding it so hard to let go. You have my sympathies OP. There’s so many of us in the same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautylife Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thank you all for your kind words and insight. Every day gets better. I truly feel love towards him but am learning to love myself more. My esteem, moral compass and value system was completely compromised. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Beautylife: TP has put together an admirable chain of logic concerning the depth of grief you have or are experiencing. The glue that would make it stand on it's own is the prior event in your life that was suppressed by your affair but then released when your AP went NC. I was hoping you would comment on his observations but you didn't, so I'm asking if you agree with his assessment. It would be a remarkable insight if true. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautylife Posted August 1, 2019 Author Share Posted August 1, 2019 You are so correct with your observations and opinions. It's been 6 weeks today and I'm seeing the forest through the trees now. I'm back in therapy and Al-Anon (all I stopped when I was with MM). The silver lining is that I'm trying to get myself healthy by owning my issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautylife Posted August 1, 2019 Author Share Posted August 1, 2019 Not sure how to respond to a specific comment. The comment above was to Turning Point. Link to post Share on other sites
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