Just going through the motions.....

[vla1120]

I think I've about hit my limit. LONG story short (all my previous posts are out there somewhere), I left my terminally ill (but controlling and abusive) husband a year ago, for good. Through that year, we've been in contact off and on. I am the only person he has, so I try to stay involved. If he starts to show his controlling, abusive nature, I back off and tell him I'll come back when he treats me with respect. I've been in contact with him weekly since (I think) some time in March. The longest I've had to go NC since then is a couple of days (when he pitched a fit around Easter - he always has his worst melt downs around holidays when he knows I'm going to spend time with my daughters.)

 

If you wonder how controlling he might have been, he used to be able to track my location on my phone. He kept track of every place I stopped and questioned me at length about where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, what money I spent, etc. (I've been the main breadwinner all my adult life. I got sick of need approval to spend $5 of my own hard-earned money on myself!)

 

His health is only getting worse. He is 6 ft tall and now weighs 125 lbs. He refuses to stop working because "there is no one to take care of him financially." (Mind you, he has plenty of money in the bank and could live 3-5 years independently, depending on how frugal he wants to be - and he is very frugal!) I do know that he loves his job and it's what keeps him going. I think (understandably) he is afraid to stop working because that might indicate he is nearing the end, so he continues to work while he can.

 

I am staying married so that he has my health insurance. I cannot (will not) live with him, but I do go over and try to help him with the household, intervening in issues with the health benefits, etc.

 

So why am I at the end of my rope?? I don't know. I guess I feel like I am marking time. Maybe I feel guilty that I wish this was all over with. Maybe I feel like, right now, my only purpose in life is to work (two jobs 60-70 hours per week), be there for my husband in whatever capacity I can, and provide a home for my two younger daughters (24 & 30, they definitely contribute to the household PLENTY, but are not yet ready or able to move out on their own.)

 

I've been really down in the dumps because my 16-yr-old lab died. I haven't seen him for almost 5 years. He was the one thing I cared about that I lost in the divorce from my first husband. When I told my current husband about it, he didn't understand how I could grieve for a dog I haven't seen in about 5 years. Who knows, maybe in a way, I was grieving the 32 year marriage. It's not like I took enough time between marriages to do that (and I'm paying for that now...)

 

I had thought about the fact that, when I met my husband, I completely stopped volunteering my time because it was just a constant battle to be out of the house and away from him for any amount of time. Now, with two jobs, it's hard to carve out any time to volunteer, but I have put my application in to volunteer with young people who are aging out of the foster care system. I guess it just takes awhile for that application to process. Volunteering has always been rewarding for me, so I hope that will help.

 

I have also thought about spending more time with friends, then I realized I don't have many. I don't make friends very easily and (I know this sounds really bad) I don't like people to put expectations on me so that I feel obligated to call, go out, etc. I have one friend who is just exhausting. She always complains about how horrible her life is, and when I go to see her, it's usually to lend her money, or do something for her - so again - another relationship in which I feel an obligation.

 

I wish I could meet someone like me, who wouldn't make me feel so obligated all the time. And if I called them, and they didn't feel like hanging out, that would be fine with me. I'd just like one person to spend some time with who "gets" me. I have always hoped that would be my life partner, but after my first failed marriage of 32 years, and now this failed marriage of 5 years, I'm running out of options.

 

AND....in the end...I always come to the same conclusion. There are people out there who have it MUCH worse than me, so I should stop complaining.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I know it was a convoluted post! (Oh, and for those who might suggest that social website where you find people who share your interests, it seems the ONLY groups out there are people who play "pickle ball." What the HECK is "pickle ball?" It doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in playing? )

 

Just to clarify - I have every reason to grieve for my dog. He was MY dog, but my husband was alpha dog and it was traumatic when I took my dog away to live with me. I ended up taking him back to my husband because I felt it was best for him. I wish I had gotten to see him more in that five years - which was what both my husband and I expected, but his new girlfriend (and my new husband) were WAY too jealous to allow us to be cordial after the divorce.

Edited July 18, 2019 by vla1120

[preraph]

I'm sorry about your dog. I had a lab mix that died nearly 20 years ago now and still think about her every day. I still talk to her some.

 

I'm glad you have left your abusive husband. You're doing what you can for him. Not everyone would.

 

Quick recent story. When an amputee (leg) moved in across the street, his BIL, who used to live there, told me he was a disabled vet, a hero. We had little to no contact for a handful of years. Then he asked me during a power outage to buy ice for him, so I did. I'd noticed there was often a little car over there. He does have visitors and does have a scooter and does sometimes get a handiride as well. Anyway, was talking to his neighbor who does things for him and she told me he is not a vet. Though young, he had diabetes and lost his leg. I know he has many health problems (so do I so I do sympathize). She told me his family are up to here with him and she told me he will use me if I'm not careful and that he has a crap attitude, etc. His son still visits a lot, so that's good, but when a family has thrown in the towel and act like he creates his own problems, you have to at least keep that in mind. I still feel bad for him. Being disabled is such a struggle.

 

It's beyond nice of you to still help your abusive husband. Your children are really old enough now (though sounds like not very independent minded) that it really is kind of time to pass the torch down to them and make them take some responsibility for doing that while you get a divorce and free yourself.

 

My dad had dementia for at least 15 years before he died at 93. My mom and him were divorced since they were in their 60s. She still looked in on him (driving 40 miles to do so) occasionally, and he usually just acted like she was cramping his style. Having dementia and also drinking, he fancied himself quite the player and really had no idea how old he was. She had told me she would try to help him when he was old if he didn't have anyone and she did, and I appreciated it. Like your family, she also had two grown daughters, but we weren't in the same state, though we both did handle a lot of his business and did our best. I would tell Mom, You don't have to do that. I mean, he didn't even appreciate it. I mainly got involved because there were vultures circling him taking advantage of him financially. One stole thousands from him, writing checks to himself.

 

Anyway, yes, someone needs to make sure nothing catastrophic is happening, but remember it doesn't always have to be you. Your girls should take the reins more, in my opinion.

 

Like you I've had to work two jobs a lot. Try to find something you can do working from home so you can also have a life. There's quite a bit of telecommuting jobs out there. And then you can go to the shelter and bring home a new best friend.

[vla1120]

Thank you, preraph. That is exactly what I have been thinking about doing - adopting a dog, especially one who doesn't have a chance of getting chosen. I also recently sat down with my daughters and said I wanted an idea of their one-year and five-year plans. Of course, I don't mind them living with me, but I need to see them jump out of the nest. They did once before, then because of job loss, ended up back at home with me. That's fine. I'd never let them be homeless, but I do want to let go of some of this responsibility that wears me down.

 

My husband is not talking to me right now (that's always a relief to have a week or two reprieve from him:lmao:) but I know it won't be long before he'll call me needing something. After this last spat, I told him "Don't call me unless it's an emergency, and if it is an emergency, you really should call 911."

 

I swear I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just tired. I work in the technology field, so I really should be able to find a job where I can telecommute. I think that's a great idea. I'm going to start working on that now! (And if I am telecommuting, I can bring home a lab mix to spend my days with me!)