Queen87 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Greetings everyone! I’ve been married to my college sweetheart for 10 years. We have two kids together and he is currently deployed. A week ago we had an argument and out of the blue he basically told me he wanted a Latina woman. Obviously I’m not one. I was so hurt and confused. He later apologized and said he was just mad and wanted me to make me mad. I asked where did that come from and he says he’s not sure why he even said that. I started thinking and a remember a short while back he was addicted to porn and that’s all he would watch (Latinas). I am now insecure about myself. I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried so many times. I told him I wanted a divorce. He tells me he loves me and only wants me but I’m afraid he no longer finds me attractive or maybe I’m not his type anymore. I don’t get it anymore, I thought the goal was to find someone you love regardless of race, color etc. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Yeah, can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: I want a Latina man? He'd completely freak out. The problem is, he probably has had or will have sex with a Latina woman if that is his thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 Yeah, can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: I want a Latina man? He'd completely freak out. The problem is, he probably has had or will have sex with a Latina woman if that is his thing. I agree, I think deep down that’s his preference and one day he probably will cheat if he haven’t already done it. I’m so devastated. I’ve done everything for this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Calm down. Yes it was a lousy thing to say but for right now, lets chalk it up to the stress of his deployment. You don't want him out of focus & in harm's way thinking about the fight. Avail yourself to the variety of counseling services available to dependents. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Calm down. Yes it was a lousy thing to say but for right now, lets chalk it up to the stress of his deployment. You don't want him out of focus & in harm's way thinking about the fight. Avail yourself to the variety of counseling services available to dependents. I understand where you are coming from but it’s not right and it hurts. I would never say something like that to him. How do you continue on with that thought in the back of your mind? He stated that there were plenty Latinas where he’s stationed, that doesn’t help the situation. I’m not going to give him a pass because he’s stressed. I’m stressed too. We have had plenty arguments during the course of our marriage but this by far was the worst one. Ive been looking in the mirror trying to analyze what they have that I don’t and them comparing everything. That does some serious damage to ones self esteem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Nope, nothing makes this right. Nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Avail yourself to the variety of counseling services available to dependents. Amen. Queen87, quit staring in the mirror and muttering under your breath and go talk to someone who can help put your feelings into context. It was a lousy, hurtful thing to say but marriages have recovered from much worse. This might be the chance for a real dialog improving your relationship going forward... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I think you write him a one-sentence email that says, Would you ever be able to trust me again if I said I really want a Latina man and there's plenty around? Don't go on. Just send him that one sentence and let him deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Porn stars (latin or otherwise) are nothing you should aspire to. The problem is not you it's his low standards. The reality is you can't build a fence tall enough to keep him contained. It's not your job to protect him from himself. You do you - and be strong and confident while doing it. He either appreciates your strength and character or he doesn't. Stay centered on the values that matter to you and the answers you need will be easier to discover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Nope, nothing makes this right. Nothing. Exactly!!!! How does him telling me that he wants Latina women should be acceptable? This is like someone who is gay finnaly coming out to their spouse. How do you continue being married. One day he’s going to finally leave me for one or cheat with one. The heart wants what it wants and if that what he want he will one day go get it. He will end up resenting me in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 I think you write him a one-sentence email that says, Would you ever be able to trust me again if I said I really want a Latina man and there's plenty around? Don't go on. Just send him that one sentence and let him deal with it. I did just that last night and he said nothing. No reply, nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Porn stars (latin or otherwise) are nothing you should aspire to. The problem is not you it's his low standards. The reality is you can't build a fence tall enough to keep him contained. It's not your job to protect him from himself. You do you - and be strong and confident while doing it. He either appreciates your strength and character or he doesn't. Stay centered on the values that matter to you and the answers you need will be easier to discover. Thanks you so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I can only focus on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I did just that last night and he said nothing. No reply, nothing. He's DEPLOYED. He might be on maneuvers or somewhere he can't talk to you or reply. I am not excusing what he did. He may have only said that to hurt you. That's not great but it's a far cry from actually cheating. No matter what, you are not going to be able to fix this while he's deployed. Hence my recommendation that you simmer down, get counseling & see what happens when his tour is up. As pi$$ed as I may be, if you break up with him & start divorce proceedings while he is deployed, if something happens to him in battle you will have to spend the rest of your life worried that your letter caused him to lose focus & get killed. Is that really what you want? I could never live with that guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I think you write him a one-sentence email that says, Would you ever be able to trust me again if I said I really want a Latina man and there's plenty around? Don't go on. Just send him that one sentence and let him deal with it. I'm sorry but I disagree with this advice. The two of you don't need to put him in danger while deployed because his thoughts aren't on the job but rather on whether or not your SO is going to divorce you or hook up with someone else. This thread, Op is just causing you to fuel your anxiety about this situation. Avail yourself of the mental health services available to you and if you are going to bring this up to your husband again, then discuss how you love and miss one another and get in some good sexual face time if THAT is available to you as well. Nurture your relationship anyway you can and stop making this about your fear and anxiety. If you want to divorce him over this then you care more about your self image and how he perceives you than you do your union. Fix it by fixing yourself. figure out together why he lashed out in that manner so that you can get back the trust. Tell me, what were you actually arguing about when he "suddenly" blurted that out to you? Do you argue a lot while he is away or there for that matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 He's DEPLOYED. He might be on maneuvers or somewhere he can't talk to you or reply. I am not excusing what he did. He may have only said that to hurt you. That's not great but it's a far cry from actually cheating. No matter what, you are not going to be able to fix this while he's deployed. Hence my recommendation that you simmer down, get counseling & see what happens when his tour is up. As pi$$ed as I may be, if you break up with him & start divorce proceedings while he is deployed, if something happens to him in battle you will have to spend the rest of your life worried that your letter caused him to lose focus & get killed. Is that really what you want? I could never live with that guilt. I get it! I totally do. I do have an appointment with my therapist, its just that I don’t see how she’s going to help me. You are right, communication while he’s deployed is complicated and I do have to learn to be patient. He always contacts me when he can. Sometimes he’s on assignments where he has no phone, internet etc.. You are absolutely right, if anything happens I would be devastated so I might just leave it alone until he returns in a couple months. Nothing will get accomplished while he’s away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I'm so glad you are getting to talk to somebody! My husband is a Marine vet. We weren't together when he was on active duty so I don't know exactly what you are feeling. Whatever it is, your feelings are legit. My final point to you is that in a combat mentality your service member is thinking "fight to the death." That is all there is in combat. You are not the enemy & what he said was awful but he can't turn it on & off in the moment, while in theater. I can only imagine how unsettling it is if he is deployed to an area where the women are his professed "type." Still, until you can resolve this together . . .when he's out of harm's way . . . For now, you have to hold it together somehow. Hang in there. {{hugs}} Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 I'm so glad you are getting to talk to somebody! My husband is a Marine vet. We weren't together when he was on active duty so I don't know exactly what you are feeling. Whatever it is, your feelings are legit. My final point to you is that in a combat mentality your service member is thinking "fight to the death." That is all there is in combat. You are not the enemy & what he said was awful but he can't turn it on & off in the moment, while in theater. I can only imagine how unsettling it is if he is deployed to an area where the women are his professed "type." Still, until you can resolve this together . . .when he's out of harm's way . . . For now, you have to hold it together somehow. Hang in there. {{hugs}} Thank you so much. It’s so hard! He’s been away for six months now and it’s absolutely brutal. He got shipped off so sudden, we didn’t get a chance to adjust after getting his orders. We don’t talk much, he’s only allowed to call once a day while he’s off post and due to the time difference its really late at night while I’m half asleep. The saying “military wives serve too” is very accurate. What he said just caught me off guard and out of nowhere. It sent my emotions into overdrive. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 What he said just caught me off guard and out of nowhere. It sent my emotions into overdrive. What were you arguing about before he out of nowhere said that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 What were you arguing about before he out of nowhere said that to you? It was something stupid. I went for a run with some friends he didn’t like me hanging around. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Military spouses sure do serve. Two of my BFFs swore that everything always went wrong right after their husbands got deployed. That is when the car would break down, the hot water heater would go on the fritz, the roof would like & something dreadful would happen to one of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 It was something stupid. I went for a run with some friends he didn’t like me hanging around. So, basically the argument was because HE doesn't trust you. My guess then is he said that to you to, in his way, get you back for making him feel insecure. Does he often get this way if you hang out with friends? Are your "friends" men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Military spouses sure do serve. Two of my BFFs swore that everything always went wrong right after their husbands got deployed. That is when the car would break down, the hot water heater would go on the fritz, the roof would like & something dreadful would happen to one of the kids. Omg yes! That’s exactly what happened to me too. Right after he left my car broke down and we could only write to each other at the time. It was so stressful. I tried not to overwhelm him so I kept the letters positive and dealt with everything in my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 You seem to be avoiding some very fundamental questions about your relationship in general so I's just let you and your fellow 'service wife' discuss. Good luck going forth. I hope you work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 So, basically the argument was because HE doesn't trust you. My guess then is he said that to you to, in his way, get you back for making him feel insecure. Does he often get this way if you hang out with friends? Are your "friends" men? Yes, they were male friends but I asked him of he trusts me and he said said. He said it’s them he doesn’t trust. He knows I’m faithful and I have never given him a reason to not trust me. Idk, this is his first deployment so it’s just been super stressful. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Exactly!!!! How does him telling me that he wants Latina women should be acceptable? This is like someone who is gay finnaly coming out to their spouse. How do you continue being married. One day he’s going to finally leave me for one or cheat with one. The heart wants what it wants and if that what he want he will one day go get it. He will end up resenting me in the process. Oh, it's not the heart. It's his penis. Link to post Share on other sites
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