preraph Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I'm sorry but I disagree with this advice. The two of you don't need to put him in danger while deployed because his thoughts aren't on the job but rather on whether or not your SO is going to divorce you or hook up with someone else. This thread, Op is just causing you to fuel your anxiety about this situation. Avail yourself of the mental health services available to you and if you are going to bring this up to your husband again, then discuss how you love and miss one another and get in some good sexual face time if THAT is available to you as well. Nurture your relationship anyway you can and stop making this about your fear and anxiety. If you want to divorce him over this then you care more about your self image and how he perceives you than you do your union. Fix it by fixing yourself. figure out together why he lashed out in that manner so that you can get back the trust. Tell me, what were you actually arguing about when he "suddenly" blurted that out to you? Do you argue a lot while he is away or there for that matter? His thoughts ALREADY aren't on his job! They're on how many Latina women there are where he's at! Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Yes, they were male friends but I asked him of he trusts me and he said said. He said it’s them he doesn’t trust. He knows I’m faithful and I have never given him a reason to not trust me. Idk, this is his first deployment so it’s just been super stressful. Well, I'm sorry but when you're thousands of miles away and your wife is hanging out with other men, one's imagination is going to wander. If this is what caused him to "suddenly blurt out" about wanting to be with a latino then it's understandable that he would use whatever he knew would cause you to empathize with his insecurity. Is it immature? Sure, but it's understandable. ... and it's not really "out of the blue" if it went down after you were arguing about hanging out with other guys. Many of platonic friendships have bloomed into emotional and or physical affairs and him not being around to keep you nurtured within the relationship was/is probably taking it's toll on him. Up to you but if it were me, I'd not be hanging out with male friends one on one. I would keep it to group co-ed activities and then go home alone right afterwards. I do wish you well and I hope that looking at this logically has eased your mind about his comment a bit more. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 You seem to be avoiding some very fundamental questions about your relationship in general so I's just let you and your fellow 'service wife' discuss. Good luck going forth. I hope you work it out. I’m sorry but I think I have answered every question you’ve asked. See below. Also, I get the feeling you want me to take the blame. I get it he’s in a volitale situation in my military but that doesn’t give him the leeway to say what he said. I have been nothing but comforting and supportive to him. Yes, we have little stupid arguments once in a while but it’s usually nothing and we tend to make up right after. I have to stay in shape for my job so I went for one stupid run with some friends and I told him about it. I even told him I wouldn’t do it again and apologize and he still went overboard. I get it he might have be super stressed but that shouldn’t excuse what you said. I told him he should stop before saying something he’ll regret and he just went on anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I’m sorry but I think I have answered every question you’ve asked. Sorry about that, the sequence of responses isn't an exact science... Yes, you have answered my questions. Also, I get the feeling you want me to take the blame. I get it he’s in a volitale situation in my military but that doesn’t give him the leeway to say what he said. I don't want you to "take" the blame just trying to get you to understand why he may have said what he said. You are going out and having fun with other men while he is deployed and missing you and not being able to have any fun at all with you. That likely triggered his insecurity and he felt compelled to make you feel insecure as he was feeling which often makes those who are feeling insecure, a tad more less vulnerable. I'm not saying that is what is going on, just that it very likely could be. I have been nothing but comforting and supportive to him. but that doesn't negate any feelings of anxiety he may be feeling as well as feelings of being out of control regarding you hanging with male friends. Yes, we have little stupid arguments once in a while but it’s usually nothing and we tend to make up right after. I have to stay in shape for my job so I went for one stupid run with some friends and I told him about it. I even told him I wouldn’t do it again and apologize and he still went overboard. Well, I guess you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. I get it he might have be super stressed but that shouldn’t excuse what you said. No but if you understand why he may have said it, perhaps you will be able to let it go and forgive him for saying. After all, what good does holding onto your feelings about what he said if you expect your apology should allow him to let go of his insecurity about you hanging with other guys? I told him he should stop before saying something he’ll regret and he just went on anyway.Time to let it go... or not. Up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Sorry about that, the sequence of responses isn't an exact science... Yes, you have answered my questions. I don't want you to "take" the blame just trying to get you to understand why he may have said what he said. You are going out and having fun with other men while he is deployed and missing you and not being able to have any fun at all with you. That likely triggered his insecurity and he felt compelled to make you feel insecure as he was feeling which often makes those who are feeling insecure, a tad more less vulnerable. I'm not saying that is but that doesn't negate any feelings of anxiety he may be feeling as well as feelings of being out of control regarding you hanging with male friends. Well, I guess you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. No but if you understand why he may have said it, perhaps you will be able to let it go and forgive him for saying. After all, what good does holding onto your feelings about what he said if you expect your apology should allow him to let go of his insecurity about you hanging with other guys? Time to let it go... or not. Up to you. Yes, I have. I will be seeing my therapist next week, I’m kinda of embarrassed to tell her since she knows him. If he calls tonight I will apologize for asking for a divorce and anything I have done to cause his reaction. I will continue to be a supportive wife. I was just so hurt. Thank you all so very much! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 this is his first deployment so it’s just been super stressful. Oh boy. Your youth is part of it. The newness & the stress are part of it. The biggest problem is his fellow service members are telling him all sorts of tales that every wife cheats. It's making him nuts. When he tries to talk about it, his buddies razz him, tell him horror stories & make it all worse. In that setting he lashed out trying to make you jealous & it worked. My husband's buddies still make jokes about what they called the WestPac Widows, a group of wives who would seduce anything in pants while their husbands were away. The whole while the cat's away the mice will play thing permeates the culture. FWIW, of all of my husband's fellow Marines who were married or in serious relationships while they were deployed 25 years ago all but I think 3 are still married to the same women. The stories are exaggerated. On your end, try to remember that military service members thrive on loyalty. They have to believe in each other -- their very lives depend on it. If you are loyal to them, most will be unwaveringly loyal to you. You are both a bit to blame here. Any argument takes 2 but if you can get a handle on what you are feeling & how you react, which I think you are doing, this should not result in a divorce. Now, if he actually followed through with the threat, all bets are off. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I can understand why you were hurt, don't get me wrong that I don't empathize with that. I just have a way of trying to get to motivation which is why I was asking so many questions. (hugs) to you and and your husband for your service. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 ... if anything happens I would be devastated so I might just leave it alone until he returns ... He may feel exactly the same way, and given both his deployment and his perceived personal failings he may be unconsciously pushing you away. If his self-esteem is such that he feels you're safer and better off without him I would expect someone in the military to manifest that aggressively rather than pathetically. Men get scared too, though we're rarely better off for showing it. You don't need to be on red alert. You can wait this out and take the time to figure out what is truly going on with him. Maybe he is that shallow, or maybe caring for you is the biggest battle of his life. Not every shot requires retaliation and escalation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Not every shot requires retaliation and escalation. No, but a shot targeted at the very core of her being is pretty hard to just dismiss... Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 No, but a shot targeted at the very core of her being is pretty hard to just dismiss... Under Ideal situations I would agree with you but this is not an ideal situation and there are psychological reasons why he lobbed the bullet he did. Yes, it would hurt, but there is no sense in holding onto it to the point it ruins an otherwise loving union. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 No, but a shot targeted at the very core of her being is pretty hard to just dismiss... Making it very effective at pushing away the woman you think is better off without you, or the risks ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 No, but a shot targeted at the very core of her being is pretty hard to just dismiss... That’s the most excruciating part of this; trying to dismiss it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Under Ideal situations I would agree with you but this is not an ideal situation and there are psychological reasons why he lobbed the bullet he did. Yes, it would hurt, but there is no sense in holding onto it to the point it ruins an otherwise loving union. Is it such a loving union if he can lob such a grenade into it? The OP needs to take heed. Men like this can successfully undermine your sense of self and well being. OK he can be pissed off, but what he said will be with the OP for years... Every Latina woman will trigger her insecurity... It was neither a kind or loving act from someone who is supposed to have her back... He may be deployed, but it does not give him the right to upset the OP in this way and expect her to just swallow it and carry on... for fear of upsetting HIM... Once that becomes a pattern, it can be difficult to turn around. He lobs grenades, she smiles and accepts the ever increasing damage to herself... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 elaine567 You are right, to a limited extent. The deployment changes things. In warrior mode, he's gonna go for the jugular every time. There is nothing else. While we expect our service people to turn it off once they come home, they can't really do that while deployed. This is their 1st deployment. They are figuring out how to be together apart under the most trying of circumstances with limited communication. if he does this in future deployments, OK, then it would be an unacceptable pattern. But for right now, this single unfortunate statement cannot be allowed to fester into a divorce but it also has to be tabled until he can come home so they can have genuine face to face communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen87 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Is it such a loving union if he can lob such a grenade into it? The OP needs to take heed. Men like this can successfully undermine your sense of self and well being. OK he can be pissed off, but what he said will be with the OP for years... Every Latina woman will trigger her insecurity... It was neither a kind or loving act from someone who is supposed to have her back... He may be deployed, but it does not give him the right to upset the OP in this way and expect her to just swallow it and carry on... for fear of upsetting HIM... Once that becomes a pattern, it can be difficult to turn around. He lobs grenades, she smiles and accepts the ever increasing damage to herself... That’s my fear, that everytime he talks to a Latina woman it will trigger something. I don’t want to be the insecure, jealous wife. I want to forgive and move on but I fear this will always be in the back of my mind. Hopefully my therapist can help me. God, help me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) That’s my fear, that everytime he talks to a Latina woman it will trigger something. I don’t want to be the insecure, jealous wife. I want to forgive and move on but I fear this will always be in the back of my mind. Hopefully my therapist can help me. God, help me! Well, It shouldn't be your fear. If I were you I'd stop reading your thread because there are some comments that are just going to trigger your fear even more and it appears that you are not being soothed by logic but rather are focused on the negative fear mongering. You have been given reasons why he (probably) said what he said now either you trust him or your don't and if you don't, then you might as well just leave him now because if you can't trust a man that is going to be away as much, if not more than he is with you, then you are screwed. Edited July 19, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 No, but a shot targeted at the very core of her being is pretty hard to just dismiss... Don't think anyone's suggesting she "dismiss", ignore or otherwise minimize his comment. It was wrong. But it also requires consideration of his situation, their marriage as a whole and the history to this point. The OP should give all those things as much weight as she's giving his insulting one-time remark... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 OP I think Beendaredonedat is being the most sensible and helpful one on your thread along with couple of others. Your husband doesn't want to cheat on you with a Latina woman. When he said that it was because he was feeling jealous and insecure about you spending time with other men while he is far away from you and can't meet your needs. In the moment he was feeling threatened and wanted you to feel the same. It was a childish response but try to empathize with him too. Someone said you should ask him how he would like it if you told him that you want a Latino man. Well how would like it if you were deployed far away from home, serving your country in a stressful dangerous possibly life threatening situation and when you called home to talk to your beloved husband he says something along the lines of "oh things are good, the kids are great and I went out for a nice run with Sue and Linda today". Would hearing that your husband is out with other women while you are thousands miles away and can't be with him not also cause you some worry and anxiety? Given how you reacted to his Latina comment by threatening him with divorce I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like being on his side of this situation any better. Yes I think you were overreacting. If you and he had been arguing about how the bills should be paid and he suddenly said he wanted a Latina woman that would be alarming, but in the context of his comment being a response to hearing that you had spent time with a couple of men, it's more forgivable. I'm not excusing him and I'm not saying you were wrong in going for a run with your male friends, however given the circumstances I think it's kind of normal that your husband has some anxiety about his wife being around other men. If he was at home it would be different because he would be the one living with you and meeting most of your physical and emotional needs. He should have communicated his feelings to you in a more rational and mature way but then again I don't think it's mature or rational to threaten divorce either. Just chill and think about how your husband feels too. Right now you are letting your ego rule your emotions and that never ends well. Your husband isn't planning to cheat on you he was just lashing out because he felt bad. Yes it was childish but not divorce worthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 ^^^ another voice of reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 OP, maybe you could write him a letter. Something that he can hold in his hands and read many times. Instead of trying to "fix" things or even deal with any issues - just tell him what you really want about this marriage and why you're in it. The point is, don't let words get in the way of what you truly want to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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