Caught wife sexting

[jm1215]

Hey all! So this past Sunday I discovered my wife of 4 1/2 years had been sexting a coworker while she was at work Saturday. It was discovered when I went to charge her smart watch she had left at home, and it popped up. He had messaged her initially talking about wanting to go to the zoo, and asked if she wanted to, to which she replied she wished but she couldn't. He then went on to say that her dress put his mind in the gutter and that he wanted to peek up it or reach his hand up it. She replied back saying it turned her on then they started plotting how to do it. He made a comment about doing it at her desk but how it was risky because of people possibly seeing, and she said that the risk is half the fun. He did said something about meeting in a vacant office to which she replied "Idk!" when he asked what she was thinking. She had mentioned how she really wanted him to do it.

 

When I first asked what was going on with him she denied it until I went into detail about what I saw. She did freaked out and started trying to apologize etc. I became upset because I have been cheated on in the past and all this did was bring back those memories. I went off about it stating that I felt like this had to be going on for quite a while now because of how comfortable the conversation seemed between them, and she said no, as they have not barely spoken at all in years besides anything work related. She also expressed that there has never been anything physical period as she kept replying due to wanting the attention and that it was nothing sexual based as far as what she felt but rather an issue with her self-image/low self esteem she has always battled as she used to weigh close to 250lbs before we met and has since lost well over 100lbs.

 

She also went on to state that there has never been any other occurrence period. What makes this hard is a few different things. For one we have an 18 month old little girl together, and we have been going through therapy together lately so that she can learn more about how my PTSD can cause relationship issues, and everything has been great. She even spoke about how she is glad we have been doing so well and how our connection has been great. Early on in our marriage we had issues due to me battling my PTSD and sometimes being angry and shutting down not wanting to speak, but we got past everything. Not until last night did I have much of anything to say to her. She scheduled her first appointment already to get therapy for her self-image issues, deleted all male friends out of her phone with the exception of any leadership she needed to keep, and even added a feature on our phone plan that allows me to log into an app and constantly see every text or call she receives. I'd like to state that I did not ask her to delete any contacts or add that feature to our plan, rather she said she wanted to do it to prove to me that this will not happen again.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. We laid together and spoke last night and I expressed how trying to fix this and move forward was an option, but that it would be a long road and that it would take constant effort as well as patience, as I will most likely go back and forth in my own mind for a while with everything. For instance, last night we slept together, but today I was upset on and off at work, then when I got home I didn't have much desire to be around her. I expressed this and she understood and said she would give me that space. Another thing that has been bothering me is now I look back and wonder why out of nowhere she was doing different things in the bedroom sexually, or even out of nowhere doing stuff with me intimately in the kitchen as that was a first. Maybe I'm thinking into it too much there, but either way my mind is all over the place

 

I came forward and said I understood how having negative self-image can lead to wanting attention always but at the same time she is married and should have stopped the conversation. She keeps saying she has not physical or sexual attractions to this guy but rather got an "attention high" as she calls it and kept wanting it to continue.

[d0nnivain]

She was very wrong. Flattered or not that is a bridge too far.

 

I am a flirty girl but there are lines & your wife crossed them. If he said that her dress put his mind in the gutter & she said even thank you that still would have been too much for me but I'd tell you to work through it.

 

While I generally give people the benefit of the doubt, here they were planning a date to the zoo. I don't believe they haven't done anything.

 

 

If you are of the mind to try to save your marriage 3 things have to happen immediately:

 

 

1. She needs to delete all his contact info

 

 

2. She has to quit her job on Monday.

 

 

3. You two need MC.

 

 

Without all 3 I don't know that I could get past this.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry reading those messages must have been very painful for you and probably triggered your PTSD. I agree that it is doubtful that your wife hasn't done something sexual with this man. If you hadn't caught her she would have made his request come true. If she's lost weight why isn't your attention for her enough? You are correct that it is going to take a long time to get over this betrayal.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've done a LOT of chatting with married or attached men and women over the years and all I can say is that it's often very difficult for them to walk a straight line even after getting caught. There is always a period of great remorse followed by exemplary behavior and maybe even a honeymoon period but the moment things get too comfortable or the second there is a fight or disagreement, they will often seek an escape or distraction and go back to old ways.

 

The only way to minimize the risk of a repeat is to get into counselling, both individual (for each of you) and marriage/couples.

 

It will take a lot of time and effort but if she's serious about recommitting to you and your relationship, there is at least some hope.

 

Good luck.

[jm1215]

Thanks Michelle and everyone else! As much as I've thrown at her about how I feel more has happened or there is more to it, she keeps saying there was nothing else. She even went as far to try saying if it would help me get past everything she'd just come out and say it has been happening for a while since I won't believe her. She has been speaking with a few other couples who have been through this and a lot worse to discuss how they worked through it, and even has her first therapy appt scheduled. Right now I'm just struggling with not being upset and angry when I around her but I also understand that is completely understandable on my part as she understands as well. I haven't had angry yelling outbursts but moreso just not having anything to say to her.

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with @donnivain; there are a lot of things that she needs to do to rectify this situation and earn back the trust that she has lost. It sounds like she has taken some positive steps forward in deleting contact information and setting you up with an app to monitor her phone. She took the initiative there and that certainly shows promise. With that being said, quitting her job on Monday would be the next step if I were in your shoes. I believe you will have an incredibly hard time trusting her if she doesn't do so.

 

 

 

IMO, this is one of the most difficult situations to handle in a marriage as one act has turned your worlds upside down. A massive trust has been broken and it takes work, patience, and communication to repair it. I would suggest that you two see a marriage counselor as well as individual therapists. The marriage needs work but the both of you are going to need another third party to go to alone to get a grasp on things.

 

 

 

In the end, if the time and effort is put in, I believe you'll build that trust again. But, if it's not, then you will be putting yourself through hell trying to trust your wife. But, again, it sounds as if you two have a good plan in place, she's taken large steps towards fixing the situation and there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

 

Best of luck, my friend.

[schlumpy]

By confronting her with such meager evidence you lost your one chance at finding out the extent of the affair and it is an affair.

 

She's in damage control and it's working. You are already talking about R. All she had to do was flip a few electronic switches to block him but she'll be seeing him every day probably in that spare office and perhaps she's setting up the secret accounts right now for texting along with a burner phone you won't be getting your hands on.

 

First off you blow the affair up by informing the OM's wife if he has one. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this as she may run interference for the OM.

 

You should demand she quit her job. It's consequences especially if he's single.

 

Start checking everything you can from phone bills (texting) to hidden files on the computer. Try to build a timeline and match it to her story.

 

Make her write a timeline of the affair.

 

Consider putting a voice activated recorder in her car to try to catch phone calls to OM. She's probably already called him that she got caught.

 

Approach her about a Polygraph.

 

If you let her get through this with minimal pain then be prepared for a repeat in the future.

 

Best Wishes

[Beendaredonedat]

Thanks Michelle and everyone else! As much as I've thrown at her about how I feel more has happened or there is more to it, she keeps saying there was nothing else. She even went as far to try saying if it would help me get past everything she'd just come out and say it has been happening for a while since I won't believe her. She has been speaking with a few other couples who have been through this and a lot worse to discuss how they worked through it, and even has her first therapy appt scheduled. Right now I'm just struggling with not being upset and angry when I around her but I also understand that is completely understandable on my part as she understands as well. I haven't had angry yelling outbursts but moreso just not having anything to say to her.

 

What about you? Are you getting therapy to discuss your feelings on this and how to get past them? Have you agreed to go to marriage counselling so you both can get past this and why it happened in the first place?

[schlumpy]

She should file a sexual harrasment complaint against him at work.

 

Best Wishes

[Beendaredonedat]

Adding: I highly recommend you do not cause even more drama in your already fragile marriage by bringing this to the other man's wife. Doing this will not help you to reconcile any of what you're feeling nor will it help either of you to get back the trust and emotional connection you both were working so hard to achieve. Now, if you want to end the marriage, then telling his wife about their "chats" will certainly facilitate the end.

[elaine567]

Cheaters are pretty clever people, never underestimate the lengths they may go to keep what really went on a secret.

Schlumpy is correct she is in damage control mode. Trickle truthing is the norm.

The fact she has spoken to other couples with a similar or worse problem may not be in your favour...

 

Taking it all underground is common when exposed and you need to be aware of that, you will never catch her so easily the next time...

Her "transparency" may be genuine, but it may also be a ruse to lull you into a false sense of security.

Eyes and ears open .

Assume nothing.

[kgcolonel]

If you find that you can't accept what she has told you and feel there is indeed more (BTW, I agree that one doesn't just start out of the blue with this dialogue) you might mention to her that you need some validation to the fact that this is all that happened. Tell her that you would like to schedule a polygraph....her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

[preraph]

I agree with D0nnivain. This is nothing minor. This was just wrong. So I agree she should also be in individual therapy for her self-image problems and quit the job and also make her media open to you and if anything else happens, time to pull the plug.

 

I wish you luck with your PTSD. This can't be helping it any. What helps it is overwriting the repetitive thoughts with new experiences, to some extent, so please don't isolate and do try to find daily joy and keep doing new things, going new places.

[jm1215]

I am already in trauma therapy for my PTSD, but plan on going through general therapy after. As far as where it goes from here I guess only time will tell. I did bring forward a polygraph to see her reaction, and she was completely open to it. She said if it would help me in any way to schedule it and ask away. Interesting.

[DKT3]

The odds that your wife is being honest are very slim. Since you've confronted her so early you have only one option to get the truth...unfortunately its trickery.

 

Iie detectors are fairly unreliable, but can be very useful, not the test itself but the stress of taking the test and a cheaters need to control the narrative. Demand the test, tell her you've have already set it up then sit back and wait. Its likely she will get very angry, then agree, then try to manipulate her way out and finally she will give you more, still not the whole story, but enough in her mind to back you off. Tell her you appreciate her being honest but you still need the test...cycle will repeat and you will likely get a third version of events.

 

It's very important that you get enough information about her affair (yes, she is having an affair) before you start trying to fix things, failure to do so will make going forward much more difficult and more likely waisting your time.

[d0nnivain]

Polygraphs are notoriously unreliable. Any half way decent practiced liar or yogi can pass one. It's about breath & heart beat control.

[elaine567]

Polygraphs are notoriously unreliable. Any half way decent practiced liar or yogi can pass one. It's about breath & heart beat control.

 

It is the confession in the car park prior to the test that some find most helpful...

[schlumpy]

Polygraphs are notoriously unreliable. Any half way decent practiced liar or yogi can pass one. It's about breath & heart beat control.

 

I agree, but you have to use the tools that are available. I got a flu shot two years ago that was less than 20 percent effective. Only a small percentage of drug addicts are helped by drug rehab and yet we still push it. Sometimes there just aren't any other good alternatives.

 

Elaine is correct in that it is more about leverage then accuracy.

 

Best Wishes

[jm1215]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the replies and support! I guess right now is trying to find a way to calm the mind at least a little. We all know negative thinking and imagining what all has possibly happened doesn't change or solve anything nor does it help...now just to get there

[Marc878]

The problem is you don't know.

 

The smart thing to do upfront is to inform OM's wif if he's married. Without warning.

[S2B]

They did seem way too comfortable moving to sexual innuendos.

 

My guess is she’s been involved with him for some time.

 

Is she quitting her job? She needs to if she intends to keep the marriage.

 

Assume she’s lying. Cheaters lie easily.

 

If she won’t quit the job ASAP then you have no chance of having the M repaired.

 

What is she willing to sacrifice to save the M?

 

 

You’re married to a gal that’s willing to crooks an appropriate line. Is that ok with

you? What is she doing to establish a boundary you find sufficient for a healthy marriage?

[jm1215]

She has deleted and blocked all guys she knows minus any of her current leaders, and also she added a feature where I can login to an app and see every call or text she gets realtime. She also agreed to a polygraph and said she'd answer whatever questions I have during one since I have a hard time believing nothing else has happened and it was one time

[schlumpy]

She has deleted and blocked all guys she knows minus any of her current leaders, and also she added a feature where I can login to an app and see every call or text she gets realtime. She also agreed to a polygraph and said she'd answer whatever questions I have during one since I have a hard time believing nothing else has happened and it was one time

 

This is all positive stuff but many wayward wives agree to the polygraph hoping they can bluff their way out of it. You may experience more sex in the next 3 weeks then you have in your entire marriage.

 

Is she showing remorse or is she a bit impatient for you to get over it already.

 

Listen, I'm not here to pressure you. I've given you a list of tools to use and it's up to you use them or not. My only objective is to help you get to a place where you can make a decision about your marriage that is in the best interest of you, your child and your wife, if she can be included.

 

The problem now is that unless you get this resolved doubt will gnaw at you until you are hollow. It may take many months but it could end up destroying your marriage just as completely as if you ended things today.

 

It's your life and your path to walk. There will be no criticism from my corner whatever decision you want to make.

 

Best Wishes to you and your family

[Beendaredonedat]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the replies and support! I guess right now is trying to find a way to calm the mind at least a little. We all know negative thinking and imagining what all has possibly happened doesn't change or solve anything nor does it help...now just to get there

 

She's willing to let you see all communication she sends and receives, she's willing to take a lie detector test, she's remorseful. These are all good signs that she is doing everything she can to assure you. These things she's doing and willing to do should help you to turn off a lot of your negative thinking and imagining.

 

I wish you good luck in getting back on track with one another.

[DKT3]

She has deleted and blocked all guys she knows minus any of her current leaders, and also she added a feature where I can login to an app and see every call or text she gets realtime. She also agreed to a polygraph and said she'd answer whatever questions I have during one since I have a hard time believing nothing else has happened and it was one time

 

Its because it's not realistic that nothing happened. Married people dont just have that kind of conversation like that for the first time. There was no awkwardness. It was too nonchalant the way they breezed through this.

 

How about asking her to hand over her phone to run recovery software. This option is far more accurate than a polygraph, and even more stressful for her if she isnt being honest. Stress is your friend in the coming months. Keeping her off balance and uncomfortable will eventually find cracks in her story.