middle aged marriage advise needed

[lostsoul2019]

middle aged marriage advise needed

(sorry, the title is wrong)

 

Just wanting some advise or maybe even some guidance.

My husband and I both are middle aged people. Our kids have grown and gone. We are a blended family.

 

Not even sure what to write here without making a complete novel.

 

My husband of 20 years, kicked me, in a violent manor this past Monday.

This is the first time he has ever struck me.

 

I am still very hurt, sad and confused. My leg is badly bruised and sore.

I do not know what to think, say or do right now.

 

info

 

It started out with me being informed that he invited his family down to the lake this weekend. No discussion prior of this event taking place. His kids have 4 big huge dogs. We just bought a brand new trailer and boat.

So a discussion began about the dog issue. I have huge issues with 4 big huge dogs, that shed badly and stink, and that are unsupervised by his kids, peeing all over and jumping all over everything. Our stuff is expensive and I would like it if he told his kids to either get a sitter for the dogs and leave them at home, or, bring kennels for them to stay in while at the lake. The dogs should not be inside our new trailer or new boat.

 

He completely lost it. We were outside on the deck, and he was yelling and cursing at me, calling me and all my family down. He got so mad, anything I was saying he was not hearing.

I told him that he was being very disrespectful right across the board, and that as his wife, I deserve to be included in decision making and plans and that I should be allowed an opinion.

 

He absolutely lost his s***. He got up, and kicked me very hard on my lower leg and told me never to talk about his family badly again.

 

I was not talking badly about anyone. I just wanted to talk to him about the dog issue that he refuses to discuss.

 

Anytime his family is involved with our lives, it is all about his family, and he will not discuss with anyone any type of issue (like their dogs).

He has been this way throughout our entire marriage.

This has caused a great deal of resentment and hard feelings.

My husband would rather fight and argue with me, than to say anything at all to a family member when something needs said.

There is a history here of this sort of thing.

 

Anyways, after I got kicked, I was rather upset and crying, so I left.

He proceeded to keep following me around, berating me, threatening me and calling me down. I asked him to please leave me alone but he would not.

It finally took me having to fake call the police to get him to leave me alone.

 

No words were spoken at all since last Monday. We have slept separate.

No attempts to work this out or any apologies have happened.

 

Thursday comes (yesterday), and when he gets home from work he is being all nicey nice.

He did a bit of yard work, and I did a bit of yard work, separately.

Like usual, I knew what was coming.

 

Yup, today, I get a text saying that I should be ready at noon, as he is leaving then for the lake.

 

I already told him on monday, after I got kicked that I would not be attending.

 

I told him last night again, I would not be attending.

 

There has been no further fighting or discussions all week.

 

after his text this morning, I decided I needed to ask advise as I have no idea what to think or say right now.

 

I do not want to go to the lake with him this weekend, because I am still hurting very badly emotionally, and being around a pile of people is just not what I want right now. I also want him to think hard about what he has done and the consequences. If I go to the lake, it exempts him from this thought process. I feel what he did was very wrong, and that violence of any kind will not be tolerated.

 

I also don't want his family to think little of me (as they already do) for not going this weekend, as I am sure they will be wondering why.

I doubt the truth of all that will be explained to anyone.

 

Please help. What do I do or say?

Edited July 19, 2019 by lostsoul2019
title wrong

[Artdeco]

You don’t go to the lake.

You file for divorce. He’s been physically abusive. He’s not offering any apology, and instead expects you to act like nothing ever happened. There’s no way you can get over this.

 

And yes, I doubt he’ll give a truthful explanation to his family about your absence. You’ll be painted the bad guy. Or do you think he’ll tell them that he kicked you violently? Hell no

[Michelle ma Belle]

The fact that he KICKED you never mind proceeded to curse you out and berate is beyond troubling.

 

I have a very hard time believing this was his first violent outburst.

 

I also doubt very much that you not going to the lake will force him to think more about what happened and be remorseful. I think you're being unrealistic about this unless he has a pattern of responding in such a way. If he does have a pattern, then perhaps it's time you find a way to get off the merry-go-round and break that pattern once and for all.

 

Personally, I would NEVER tolerate anyone, especially my partner to disrespect in such a way. It would be the beginning of the end.

[Kitty Tantrum]

That would probably spell the end of the marriage for me. You obviously have the right to choose differently... but he KICKED YOU. I don't know exactly WHY it's different to me, but I think I'd take a slap across the face with more understanding than a kick to the leg.

 

My ex never physically abused me, but he was awful to me in plenty of other ways. Of course his family never heard anything about it. Of course he never told them the truth. When I finally left him he painted me as the bad guy and told all sorts of lies about me.

 

Yeah, can't really expect the truth from people like that.

 

But you know what? None of that mattered after I left him. Let them think I'm awful and unreasonable and whatever else. Who cares? I got out.

[heartbrokenlady]

Tell him you aren't going because of his behaviour.

 

While he's gone, start sorting your financial affairs out. You need to have money set aside somewhere. Escape money.

 

Pack a bag of some clothes and leave them with a friend, at work, ANYWHERE you can get them that doesn't require you to go home.

 

Any valuables that are solely yours, start moving them discretely out of the house.

 

I don't think you want to leave him, but it sounds as if sooner or later you'll have to. You need to be ready in case you have to go in a hurry.

[lostsoul2019]

What do I say or do when he confronts me when he gets home and wants to leave? I don't want another fight. I know he will try to convince me to go.

 

Yes, it bothers me what his family will think. I try to be a good to everyone.

But because this has not/was not resolved (yet ) there are way too many hard feelings and it would be way too uncomfortable being around his family this weekend. I also feel this is a good opportunity for both of us to be alone and reflect on our marriage and what it means exactly to each of us and where we go from here.

 

When he texted this morning, I just responded by saying that my work was very busy and that I would not be able to get away today.

He said "ok" and that was the end of it.

 

I know this is not over though, because he clearly does not want to go alone.

 

Maybe he should have postponed these family plans and worked out his marriage. That is what I would have done.

But nope....his family always more important, and he sure would not want to disappoint them!

 

Sorry for the rant, just really upset and confused.

[salparadise]

You're right. Violence should not happen, and should not be tolerated. A lot of women (or men) would be checking out of more than the lake visit after being physically assaulted like that. It's not just bad, it's totally unacceptable.

 

Then thing is, the abusive behavior isn't only physical abuse. He's a overtly abusive bully based on what you've described. It's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want to go, and you have every right to refuse.

 

So the question is, what are you willing to do about it? IIt would be easy enough to get him to back off temporarily, promise to change, apologize, etc... but it's going to happen again and again. That's just how abusers are. My guess is that he's been abusing you verbally and mentally for years.

 

What are you willing to do? Anything?

[Artdeco]

Yes - he should have postponed these family plans and worked out his marriage.

 

But he didn’t. Because it’s easier for him to not address it. Because it would be uncomfortable and bc he’d have to explain to his family why he needs to cancel.

 

What you should say when he gets home? Exactly what you said above - that nothing’s resolved, that this ugly incident is still between you, and that getting things resolved should take priority over any extended family activities.

 

Or just say nothing. He knows.

[lostsoul2019]

Michelle,

 

This is his pattern. He deals with things this way all the time.

I am expected to just pretend it never happened, shut my mouth and carry on.

This is a learned behaviour, his parents are the same way.

 

There has never been physical violence before, but he does have a nasty temper and when he gets mad he has been violent with household objects, breaking them and such, but he has never hit me before. this is the first time.

I don't ever want this to happen again, that is why I came here for advise.

 

To be honest, this has flooded me, as I am in shock he would ever do this to me.

 

No, I don't really want to leave him. We do have a great life, otherwise.

 

Would like to work it out. Just not this weekend around his entire family.

[Beendaredonedat]

Considering your post above along with the one quoted below:

What do I say or do when he confronts me when he gets home and wants to leave? I don't want another fight. I know he will try to convince me to go.

 

Yes, it bothers me what his family will think. I try to be a good to everyone.

But because this has not/was not resolved (yet ) there are way too many hard feelings and it would be way too uncomfortable being around his family this weekend. I also feel this is a good opportunity for both of us to be alone and reflect on our marriage and what it means exactly to each of us and where we go from here.

 

When he texted this morning, I just responded by saying that my work was very busy and that I would not be able to get away today.

He said "ok" and that was the end of it.

 

I know this is not over though, because he clearly does not want to go alone.

 

Maybe he should have postponed these family plans and worked out his marriage. That is what I would have done.

But nope....his family always more important, and he sure would not want to disappoint them!

 

Sorry for the rant, just really upset and confused.

 

I think you should search out marriage counselors and tell him when your first appointment is. If he won't go with you then go alone. It will help you to accept, change if that is what is suggested or if need be, give you the strength to leave a marriage where you are not valued.

 

To do nothing to facilitate change, there will be no change.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Do you have a friend or family member you can spend time with instead? Someone who will have your back?

You're absolutely right, I think, to not want to deal with it head-on right now. But do work on building yourself into a position of strength for the future. Since he has demonstrated the ability and inclination to get violent when angered, that means you should have an ally close to home.

 

Not gonna lie, if my ex-husband had provided me with anything resembling a stable life otherwise, I might have stayed with him. So I won't judge you for not really wanting to leave.

 

On the other hand, now that I know what it's like to live my life every day without being marginalized and belittled and yelled at... I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

 

Counseling all around (marital counseling and individual counseling for each of you) is probably a good first step, regardless of whether you're leaning toward staying or leaving.

[elaine567]

I know he has always had a short temper, but something caused him to cross the line here.

Stress, depression, mental illness even dementia...

For some reason he is feeling perhaps powerless, trapped, defensive, "got at" and he apparently has little or no respect for you. He lashed out literally...

He may be trying to drive you out.

 

My gut feeling and it could be well off base.

He has another woman or he has his eye on another woman or he just wants freedom to pursue other women.

Middle aged, sex boring or infrequent... he feels he is missing out and getting old.

 

My guess you are a people pleaser and have tolerated his appalling behaviour for too long, go to IC.

[Beendaredonedat]

^^^ You must have some pretty long arms to reach to the conclusion that he's seeing another woman based on the info given from the Op so far.

 

There is zero indication that he is cheating. There is however indication that whatever or however the argument escalated, it triggered him to graduate past his usual passive agressiveness into full on agressive.

[lostsoul2019]

Thanks so much everyone for all your replies and support.

 

Worse....is he came home at noon. I was there, as usual at noon from work.

Never even ate lunch, as the negative energy was so overwhelming.

 

He left his vehicle running, came in to grab clothes and his belongings.

Did not seem to give two s**** about anything but getting to the lake.

Was asking where his stuff was, just like nothing ever happened.

Asked me if i was planning on driving up Saturday, even after I have made it clear several times that I was not going.

 

I told him work has been crazy, so staying home to work.

He said fine, I wont ask again, and left.

 

I am having a hard time not being emotional right now.

 

I would have done things completely different.

This just made things even worse for me.

 

Basically he is saying, this is more important and I don't care about anything else right now.

 

No discussion, no apologies....nothing at all.

 

I am blown away.

[BTDT2012]

Don't let the abuse go unchallenged, or it will happen again. I wish you had actually called the police, and not just pretended to call them.

 

 

 

Why does his family dislike you?

Edited July 19, 2019 by BTDT2012

[lostsoul2019]

What would you guys do?

[notbroken]

I would tell him "You kicked me. That is abuse and I won't tolerate it - ever. You crossed the line. Abuse me again in any way and we are finished. I am still processing it all". Make sure he understands that his behavior will not be tolerated. Period.

[Beendaredonedat]

What would you guys do?

 

I wouldn't go to the trailer and I would do the research to find a marriage therapist and book an appointment for the two of us and if he wouldn't go, then I'd go alone so I could get the courage to either keep very strong boundaries with him so he stopped thinking I was his verbal/emotional punching bag or I would leave him once my therapy sessions helped with my confidence.

 

You stay and do nothing then you are enabling him to be the twat he is.

[BTDT2012]

Why did you lie and say you weren't going to the lake because you had to work? Are you afraid of him? You are allowing him to elieve that abusing you is no big thing.

[lostsoul2019]

BTDT,

 

I did not know what else to say. I didn't want to start another argument.

 

Yeah, I guess I am a little scared. Wouldn't you be if your husband kicked you?

 

If he truly "does not get it" about what happened here, I will probably have to consider leaving.

 

He knows how I feel about violence. He seems to just be displaying that he does not care. Or, does not care this weekend, as family is much more important.

[elaine567]

^^^ You must have some pretty long arms to reach to the conclusion that he's seeing another woman based on the info given from the Op so far.

 

I already qualified it by saying that I might be well off base

BUT

Middle aged man in an "unhappy" and long relationship with a woman he no longer respects, is ripe for cheating.

Shed load of resentment and contempt in that kick.

His OW may be pressurising him and he has taken it out on the OP. Cheating men do take it out on their wives, the actual violence is a bit extreme but he was half way there anyway by the sounds of things.

 

Another point, aside from whether or not he is cheating, he is not sorry, he is not in floods of tears apologising and saying he will never do it again, he feels no doubt justified in kicking the OP. The OP needs to take her personal safety very seriously.

[Beendaredonedat]

Your opinion is your opinion but I'm still thinking you are reaching. There is no evidence nor did the Op even hint that she thought there was cheating so that's that.

 

From what Op has shared, it seems he's never been one to apologize for his verbal attacks never mind his physical ones so he's not going to start now unless THEY get marriage counseling to suss out why he's such a p***k in general. Even then, he may not change.

 

Have a good one.

[BTDT2012]

BTDT,

 

I did not know what else to say. I didn't want to start another argument.

 

Yeah, I guess I am a little scared. Wouldn't you be if your husband kicked you?

 

 

 

When my exhusband hit me, I left and stayed with a friend for a week. The next time, I fought him back, called the police and had him removed from the home. The fact that he kicked you and never apologized is alarming.

 

 

 

I would have a serious conversation when he gets back. It sounds like you are married to a man who has very little respect for you. The potential for him attacking you again physically is high.

[lostsoul2019]

No...unless he is having an affair during the day or online or something, there is no evidence of cheating. He is home all the time, never away alone (except this weekend), but I know for a fact his family is all going down to meet him at the lake. He won't have time to unzip his pants! lol

 

The no remorse has me blown away and very emotional. I can hardly wait till the work day is over, in fear someone may walk in when my eyes are red.

[FMW]

As you touched on, OP, I would be a bit afraid of him and wonder when he would lash out physically again. The fact that he's shown absolutely no remorse, and was actually verbally abusive as well, would be something I would probably have a really hard time getting past.

 

I think you are absolutely right to stay home. I agree with the other poster that said you need to tell him exactly why though, he needs to be left with absolutely no doubt that what he did was unacceptable.

 

I've never been physically abused, but from what I hear from others who have is that it's not just a one-off behavior and it escalates. Be careful.