elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 No...unless he is having an affair during the day or online or something... Work affairs are common, as are online affairs... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoul2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Had he had just had a calm normal conversation with me on monday, and not lost his temper, right now I would be at the lake too. Things, like 4 big huge dogs, do need discussed! He just does not get that. He does not see his errors, especially when communication is so important in marriage. Having a hissy fit and losing your temper, does nothing. Calming talking things out is productive. I am just getting to the point (especially after the kick) that I don't want to try anymore. I feel hurt and like I do not matter and yes, I feel totally disrespected and unappreciated. I don't know how someone can kick their wife and then act like nothing happened and choose to hurt her further by leaving today the way he did. its left me even more confused. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I'm very sorry, Lostsoul. If you don't have pictures of the bruise(s) on your leg, I recommend that you take several. You don't have to do anything with them, yet, but depending on how things go and what happens, you may have a need for them in the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 and choose to hurt her further by leaving today the way he did. its left me even more confused.Well, then why did you lie and tell him you had work commitments instead of just telling him exactly what you just told us in your last post? Communication is how things are resolved. If you told him the truth (as told to us) and he still didn't apologize and he still went away with four dogs and his dumb kids who should respect that not everyone wants 4 dogs running around their place, then you would be less confused and his actions would tell you all you needed to know of HIS truth... that being he doesn't give a chit... which knowing would allow you to make an informed decision on your future (or not) together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Physical violence is an absolute deal breaker. He kicked you in anger. Game over. Do as Gorilla suggested. Take photos. While he's at the lake, talk to a lawyer. You can't come back from this. His kids & their dogs will always be there. He will always pick them over you. He has for 20 years. You see yourselves as a blended family. He does not. Yes it's easy to tell somebody over the internet to get a divorce. I certainly don't say that lightly but for heaven's sake he KICKED you! What -- next time he has to put you in the hospital before you take action to protect yourself? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Well, then why did you lie and tell him you had work commitments instead of just telling him exactly what you just told us in your last post? She is now scared of him and his reaction to her, that is why... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoul2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 How many times did I need to tell my husband the reason why I was not going to the lake? Monday night, after his kicking, I told him exactly how I felt and what was going to happen. I told him I was not going to the lake this weekend (and probably never again anywhere with him) and that any type of violence was unacceptable in my world and would not be tolerated. I told him I would not stay together with a violent man. Thursday night I told him again I was not going. Today I told him I was not going. I didn't see any reason to rehash what was already said. Plus, like I said, I was not interested in arguing further with him. What would be the point of that? Just figured, let the guy go be with his family and have fun. I will sit at home with my aching leg on ice and try to find a way to stop crying like a baby. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 How many times did I need to tell my husband the reason why I was not going to the lake? Monday night, after his kicking, I told him exactly how I felt and what was going to happen. I told him I was not going to the lake this weekend (and probably never again anywhere with him) and that any type of violence was unacceptable in my world and would not be tolerated. I told him I would not stay together with a violent man. Thursday night I told him again I was not going. Today I told him I was not going. I didn't see any reason to rehash what was already said. Plus, like I said, I was not interested in arguing further with him. What would be the point of that? Just figured, let the guy go be with his family and have fun. I will sit at home with my aching leg on ice and try to find a way to stop crying like a baby. The best way to stop crying is to file for divorce. Why are you still with this clearly abusive man? Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 She is now scared of him and his reaction to her, that is why... She told him over the phone that lie so she was in no immediate danger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 How many times did I need to tell my husband the reason why I was not going to the lake? Monday night, after his kicking, I told him exactly how I felt and what was going to happen. I told him I was not going to the lake this weekend (and probably never again anywhere with him) and that any type of violence was unacceptable in my world and would not be tolerated. I told him I would not stay together with a violent man. Thursday night I told him again I was not going. Today I told him I was not going. I didn't see any reason to rehash what was already said. Plus, like I said, I was not interested in arguing further with him. What would be the point of that? Just figured, let the guy go be with his family and have fun. I will sit at home with my aching leg on ice and try to find a way to stop crying like a baby. The following is what I meant you should have been honest with him and told him: Had he had just had a calm normal conversation with me on monday, and not lost his temper, right now I would be at the lake too. Things, like 4 big huge dogs, do need discussed! He just does not get that. He does not see his errors, especially when communication is so important in marriage. Having a hissy fit and losing your temper, does nothing. Calming talking things out is productive. I am just getting to the point (especially after the kick) that I don't want to try anymore. I feel hurt and like I do not matter and yes, I feel totally disrespected and unappreciated. I don't know how someone can kick their wife and then act like nothing happened and choose to hurt her further by leaving today the way he did. its left me even more confused. Particularly the bolded part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Yeah, I guess I am a little scared. In a nutshell, why you should be filing for divorce. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it would either be the wake-up call or final nail in the coffin your H clearly needs. Your spouse and marriage are supposed to be a supportive safe harbor from all the stress, drama and negativity life sends your way. lostsoul2019, sounds like you were a long way from that even before he struck you. We all have regrets in our lives. One of my greatest was not taking a more proactive role in dealing with the verbal abuse my FIL regularly visited on my MIL, one of the nicest people in the world. Things escalated to where he pushed her to the floor but, despite my pleas, my MIL wouldn't let anyone intervene. And even though I suspect there were other incidents, they stayed together until she died. She was an old-school Catholic, just couldn't comprehend divorce. No one should live in fear of their spouse, it's the opposite of everything good marriage stands for. If you're going to save your relationship, you have to be willing to lose it. I hope you find the strength to live the life you deserve. Keep us posted... My. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 She told him over the phone that lie so she was in no immediate danger. Not immediate danger maybe... but she still didn't want to poke that bear As soon as he deliberately hit her in anger, the dynamic changed. She can put up with the bad temper, the throwing things, she has got used to that, this is a completely different ball game she is now in. She may have got used to walking on eggshells to some extent, but this has taken it to a new level, she will not want to give him any excuse to hit her again... Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 To not tell him her truth, she is in affect enabling him. He's never physically hurt her before and they have been together for 20 years. Its not a pattern. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Is there drinking involved during his outbursts? Is there some issue between you two that is unresolved? I feel a lot of resentment in his behavior. You don't have any good choices. You stay and he's ratcheted up the violence from breaking things to kicking you. The pattern is that the violence will increase until you are in the hospital crippled or dead. Not something I want to see happen. Do you have any allies on his side of the family who are peacemakers? I'm wondering if you can make a deal with local authorities to have him arrested, charged and convicted. Then he's given the choice of therapy or jail. The problem is the laws against spousal abuse are so beefed up now-a-days that I'm not sure the judge would haveany sentencing latitude. Sentencing may be mandatory. I don't know what his job is and this may affect his employment. You'd need a lawyer. It's the only way I can think of fixing the situation that has a ghost of a chance of saving your marriage. Otherwise you need to get out because you are in mortal danger. I'd at least get a can of pepper spray and a stun gun. I have a feeling you are going to need them. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Is he a complete hot head, in that he gets angry easily with everyone in sight, no-one is safe from his anger, or is his anger solely directed at you or at close family too maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Cry all you want. It's a natural reaction. More then your leg got hurt here. Your marriage got decimated. I think that warrants a few tears. Make sure you are safe. When you collect your wits about you& recover from the brutal shock, take steps to protect yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 Make sure you are safe, and please protect yourself. What would I do? I would file for divorce. Dealbreaker: Physical abuse/violence. Not if, and, or buts. There can be no good that can come out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 You sound like you're still going to stay with him after he hit you! That's crazy. Don't you realize that if you put up with it once and stay, it will just escalate? Though I disagree with you on the dog matter because I'm a dog person, there is NOTHING that justifies him hitting you, even if you'd told him to bring crates for the children! This violence will escalate. I hope you are independent enough to get out and leave him. Now while he's at the lake would be the best time to do it too. And you should have made a real report to the police. Take photos of your leg. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoul2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Author Share Posted July 20, 2019 Thanks again everyone for all your messages and support. No he is not a drinker or drug user. No he is not always a hot head. Its not daily that he gets mad___ its occasionally. But when he gets mad he gets really mad and all hell breaks lose. He texted me after work today to ask if i had keys, but clearly that was not the reason because how could i drive to work and enter the work building without keys___ duh. I told him exactly what he did again and the reason i was not at the lake. He got a real novel. So it was all explained for clarification. He says he is sorry and that i am his life and wife and he loves me. I told him people who hit others do not love them, and that there would be no coming back from this. I told him that i took pictures of my leg and am still pondering pressing charges and going to the hospital. I also told him that i hoped he enjoyed his fun time with family at the lake because once divorce starts everything will need sold or figured out legally. Had he kept his cool mon, talked it over like normal married couples, that this all could have been avoided. Life is about choices and living with those choices. I also told him that his temper and outbursts have gotten worse and that inwas tired of being humiliated and disrespected. I am sure i could have went on and on 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Bravo! I'll never understand why they think they can just say "I'm sorry" and everything will go back to normal. Hope you get the lake house! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 He says he is sorry and that i am his life and wife and he loves me. I am sure i could have went on and on Please don't make me read about you in the newspaper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoul2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Author Share Posted July 20, 2019 i am feeling like crap right now Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Its good to read that you were open and honest with him. Now lets see what steps he takes to remedy. Perhaps he'll show you how sorry he is in actions and he'll book himself into anger management and therapy. He should do that whether you stay with him or not. Good luck going forth (no matter your decision). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 He can't remedy this. He kicked her! There is no remedy for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoul2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Author Share Posted July 20, 2019 I have been thinking a lot about what steps he would need to take to make good of this. Other than counseling and changed ongoing behavior long term , i don't know what else to expect really. This is the first time i have been hit by a man. I thought our marriage was really good other than his temper issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts