middle aged marriage advise needed

[heartbrokenlady]

Lost soul, you are clearly not ready yet to see him as abusive.

 

Please just make sure you have a 'just in case' place to go and access to money he has no access to. No pressure to leave / divorce etc.

 

And remember, these forums will be here next time you need them. No judgement.

[S2B]

She hasn't left him so it's not a point of going back.

 

Not yet, but she is at a pivotal point of deciding if she wants more the the same or wants to be treated better, and have a life where her voice is heard and she is respected.

 

Why wouldn’t you encourage any woman to want better treatment?

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't respect yours. I think maybe you're the one projecting.

 

Nope, not me. I've had no experience with violence within a relationship. Whether you respect my opinion or not is irrelevant.

 

The Op has several opinions from people who agree with you, it's up to her if she takes the advice.

 

I do hope that if he does it again she has the courage to follow through with her convictions of calling the police and leaving him. If he doesn't do it again, I hope that they can work it out and they can be happy for the rest of their lives together.

 

I just think that this thread has overblown the actual situation and whether you respect that or not means nada.

 

Good luck, Op what ever you choose to do.

[Beendaredonedat]

Not yet, but she is at a pivotal point of deciding if she wants more the the same or wants to be treated better, and have a life where her voice is heard and she is respected.

 

Why wouldn’t you encourage any woman to want better treatment?

I have.

As mentioned above, I just think this whole thread has overblown the actual situation and when the Op first posted, she was still pretty upset (rightfully) over what he did.

 

We shall see how things go when he gets back. If nothing changes then she knows what she should do. I see no reason to keep trying to berating her into it.

[d0nnivain]

I am hardly an alarmist but when I read that he wants you to book a holiday at the lake my heart stopped. I'm so glad there are neighbors, wifi & easy access to law enforcement. That made my heart start beating again.

 

However he is not taking this seriously

 

 

I would rather try and work through this.

 

I got kicked once. Lets not paint this as life long abuse.

 

Advise on working through this would be great guys. Thanks.

 

Look I get it. You want your marriage to work. Who wouldn't?

 

Yes at this point you got kicked once. But re-read that. You got KICKED! This wasn't him turning away from you to punch a wall. This was a deliberate choice by him to inflict maximum bodily injury on you in a single blow. Do you not get that?

 

The advice I gave you was He MUST go to anger management. The advice others gave you -- people who work in the field of spousal abuse & domestic violence -- is that he crossed the most significant threshold. He had been difficult & ill tempered through most of your marriage. That IS a lifetime pattern of abuse. You can call it whatever you want. Your soft-soap label doesn't dilute the truth. Now he has crossed into violence. That threshold has been breeched. It will be easier for him to resort to violence the next time.

 

You are going to go to the lake. We have known that since you started the thread. Throughout this you have been his biggest champion. He's going to cajole you into forgiving him & forgetting about it. I pray to God that the next time he physically assaults you that you only end up in the hospital with a broken extremity bone or two rather than long term damage or dead & that then you finally wake up. Seriously, what do you think would have happened if he had kicked you in the head & fractured your skull.

 

Please remain safe.

[S2B]

I, too hope you stay safe.

 

It’s the usual ploy for an abuser to offer something extra out of the norm.

 

His offer to stay the week at the lake would be better served spending a week with a therapist to find out how to be a better human being.

 

He’s manipulating you so that you overlook his abusive ways.

 

Read up on what abusers do. There’s a pattern. He’s just trying to make sure you’re still on his boat. Expect to get there and do all the clean up after his weekend with his kids.

 

Where is his alliance with his wife? He invites you after they leave?

 

Come on. Stop allowing him to mistreat you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway).

 

Trying to understand that projection based on his escalating pattern of anger, yelling, breaking things and now physical violence upon the OP.

 

It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you.

 

Because he didn't break a bone, put her in the hospital or kill her? If anything, this is textbook domestic abuse, it's just early in the cycle.

 

lostsoul2019, there's a way forward for your marriage, but it doesn't include making nice at the lake for the next week...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've read that abused women often try to leave an average of nine times before they're successful.

 

I like to think those are women who haven't educated themselves about the pattern of domestic violence.

 

Yes. This is indeed true. And no it doesn't necessarily mean they have been educated in any way.

 

Attempts can be anything as simple as picking up the phone, dialing a shelter or hotline and then hanging up before the call gets picked up. It could be packing up a suitcase and hiding it under the bed "just in case". It doesn't always mean they've physically left their home and sought out safety for however long or short.

 

In all the years I've worked in this field, I've NEVER...not once...encountered a situation where the abusive husband's behavior improved or stopped altogether. NEVER. It can and will shift/morph but will pretty much always increase.

 

What women who are stuck in these relationships need to realize is that THEY CAN NOT CHANGE THEIR HUSBANDS. Thinking their absence at the lake will somehow spark deep regret and thoughtful contemplation in their abusive husbands is an exercise in futility. Thinking they have the upper hand by playing these games with their husbands is an illusion at best.

 

In the end, HE has the upper hand and will always have it unless/until the wife finds the courage to break free and seek safety for her and her children, that or until the police are called and an arrest is made.

 

The longer someone is in an abusive relationship, the more normal it all feels and the harder it is to see it for what it really is. I think this is indeed the case with the OP.

 

She seems pretty confident that her husband will never hit her again but WHEN he does, even if she called the police, she will likely drop all charges and find reasons to forgive him and remain in the marriage.

 

Abuse is all about patterns. The OP and her marriage is chalk full of patterns which is why I'm confident in predicting how this will go if she doesn't take an active role in putting an end to it.

[S2B]

Good post Michelle - so true.

 

Makes me wonder why his first marriage failed...

 

Lostsoul - you cant change him. You gotta be the one to help yourself and get away from the abuser.

 

He will go on to abuse again - it will be the next woman he’s with.

 

Believe me - I know my exH does the same things to his present wife as he did to me. It just feels terrible. I’m happy I broke free but I’m always thinking what I will hear next about what he’s doing to her. I warned her before they got married...

 

 

Lostsoul - you won’t change him. You either accept it the way it is or you leave and protect yourself with a vengeance.

 

I hope you find strength and courage - I got to live again and hope you do too.

Edited July 22, 2019 by S2B

[Beendaredonedat]

OP: Here is link that I think you may find interesting from *WebMD (not Psychology Today, sorry) that I think is close to what you've experienced.

 

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/he-hit-you-once-should-you-be-worried

 

 

 

Should You Be Worried if He Hit You Just Once?

In addition, according to a number of studies, once a man has been violent, there's a chance he'll become violent again -- maybe even more violent. That's why I highly recommend couples therapy (for you and your husband) and individual therapy (for you). But if you at any time feel unsafe, you should leave immediately and notify the authorities.

This is what I have been suggesting all along and what I hoped your husband and you would do... to see what he is willing to do when you discuss on his return from the lake.

 

I don't see anywhere in the article where she says that she should immediately leave.

 

It does not say how long the couple in question were together before the first "hit" either.

 

I look forward to your update and as I've said before, wish you luck no matter what decision you make. I also hope that he will go with you to marital counselling, if not, you will go alone.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[S2B]

 

 

I don't see anywhere in the article where she says that she should immediately leave.

 

 

If ANYONE feels violated and/or abused - yes, leave immediately and call the authorities. It should go without saying that it’s unacceptable to see abuse as something that has no consequences for the abuser.

 

 

To advise of anything else is just irresponsible.

 

 

And yes, I do wish she had called the police when it happened. Protecting yourself when anyone abuses you is first on the list of things to do.

[Beendaredonedat]

If ANYONE feels violated and/or abused - yes, leave immediately and call the authorities. It should go without saying that it’s unacceptable to see abuse as something that has no consequences for the abuser.

Of course she should leave, I've been saying that all along IF he does it again. Once again. This violence was a one off that happened after 20 years of marriage. If it wasn't the first time then she shouldn't hesitate to leave and file a report with the police.

The consequences to his actions now appears to be that he'll have to look into anger management and counselling if he wants the marriage to continue. That is a very good boundary for her to uphold IMO.

 

To advise of anything else is just irresponsible.

No one is advising anything different.

 

 

And yes, I do wish she had called the police when it happened. Protecting yourself when anyone abuses you is first on the list of things to do.

I wish he realizes the error of his ways, adheres to any stipulations going forth that the Op imposes on him and they live happily ever after for the rest of their lives without incident.

 

Yes, its been pointed out several times now that if he does it once he will do it again but that isn't always the case, particularly if it didn't happen until 20 years in and if she has threatened taking it public which, as she has said, would ruin his business reputation.

 

We shall see.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[S2B]

I think that’s where we differ...

 

You think it is a one-off.

 

I don’t. Especially since she described him being violent over the years by yelling and throwing things while angry.

 

Those are still abusive - and make a person feel unsafe. Just because this was the first time he struck her with physical harm doesn’t show he hasn’t done angry outbursts in their 20 year history.

 

He had other abusive ways - this time it escalated.

[Beendaredonedat]

I think that’s where we differ...

 

You think it is a one-off.

 

I don’t. Especially since she described him being violent over the years by yelling and throwing things while angry.

 

Those are still abusive - and make a person feel unsafe. Just because this was the first time he struck her with physical harm doesn’t show he hasn’t done angry outbursts in their 20 year history.

 

He had other abusive ways - this time it escalated.

Yes, I understand that he's got an over-the-top temper that is why, before throwing away 20 years together and all that entails, they should get counselling either individually (probably best) and marriage counselling.

 

If he won't go to either, then Op would do well to get a few sessions in which will (hopefully) help her to have the confidence to leave.

[elaine567]

This is not "a one off".

He has spent years yelling at the OP, throwing things and breaking them - all that is domestic abuse. That is not "normal".

Now he has taken it to another level - he kicked her hard enough to cause significant bruising.

If he decides next to attempt to strangle her is that a "one off" as he has never done that before, or he stabs her, yet another "one off"...

 

This is not trivial stuff, this is serious stuff.

Women die every day at the hands of violent men.

The days of brushing this stuff under the carpet and telling women to stay and put up with it as he won't do it again, should be long gone.

[S2B]

I’m am very concerned she went to the lake house.

 

I wish we would get an update.

[Beendaredonedat]

This

If he decides next to attempt to strangle her is that a "one off" as he has never done that before, or he stabs her, yet another "one off"...

Straw man arguments about things that have not happened don't help the Op. He's not going to come home from the lake and do any of those things.

 

This is not trivial stuff, this is serious stuff.

Yes it is.

Women die every day at the hands of violent men.

Yes they do.

 

The days of brushing this stuff under the carpet and telling women to stay and put up with it as he won't do it again, should be long gone.

No one has suggested she "stuff this under the carpet." I've suggested she take steps to impose conditions on her staying and if he won't adhere to those stipulations then she would do well to leave and perhaps her own personal therapy will help her to get the strength to do that.

[S2B]

Been dare

 

You have no idea what he may or may not do.

[Beendaredonedat]

Been dare

 

You have no idea what he may or may not do.

 

Clearly...Nor do any of you suggesting he's going to do any of the things you say he is going to do.

 

However: There is a pattern of verbal abuse, there is no pattern of physical abuse and he's never hit her in 20 years of marriage. If he had hit her their first year in and had done it again at any time, that would be a different story **and I would be on board with her leaving him BEFORE he got back from the lake.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
Added at **

[S2B]

Been dare...

 

Please... you are talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

Make up your mind which side you choose.

 

I do believe you’re just going to confuse the OP with your posts from BOTH angles.

 

 

In abuse - it doesn’t help to ride both sides of the fence!!!

[Beendaredonedat]

I'm not sure what you're meaning. I have stated several times what I mean, what I think she should do and how she should do it.

 

Can you elaborate on where I've done this both sides of my mouth talking and I'll try to explain what I meant by it or, concede that I have done such a thing if I have.

 

Op: Have you and your husband had a talk, decided anything... what will you do?

 

If I've confused you with advice on how to possible get by this and go onto live happily, then I apologise. I will refer to your opinion on that and leave the rest where they've been typed.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[d0nnivain]

lostsoul2019

 

Are you OK? Please let us know you are safe

[heartbrokenlady]

lostsoul2019

 

Are you OK? Please let us know you are safe

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

[Mrs._December]

Basically he is saying, this is more important and I don't care about anything else right now.

 

No discussion, no apologies....nothing at all.

 

I am blown away.

You're an abused wife and you don't even know it, nor care.

 

Know how I know?

 

Because you're all upset that it's not going the way it should have gone. And you're upset at his obvious indifference that you can't be there. And you're more worried about what his family will think than you are of the possibility of blot clots forming on your leg where this fool kicked you so hard, and possibly causing much more serious health issues in the future.

 

THAT'S your biggest concern, his feelings and what his family thinks. Not the fact that you were battered and bruised by this nasty piece of work who thought it was perfectly fine to kick you during one of his tantrums, then CONTINUE abusing you verbally when his kick didn't knock you into line.

 

You're more upset that your abuser is being indifferent toward you than you are the fact that he abused you.

 

Please see a therapist, OP. You are SO far into the forest that you can no longer see the trees.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Mrs._December]

Op: You've been this man's wife for 20 years and in that time he's never hit you. I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway). This was most likely a one off wherein he lashed out uncharacteristically and is now seemingly remorseful for his actions and how they have made you feel undervalued and frightened.

Pffffft.

 

This 'advice' is so dangerous when it's being given to an abused woman who has already spent years DELUDING herself that her raging, wall punching, object throwing, item breaking angry husband would never hurt HER.

 

Until the bastard DID. And the OP's biggest concern is winning back the 'love' of her abuser. Without even knowing her, I can almost guarantee it's been a lifetime of PLACATING this fool and always doing whatever she could to keep his anger at bay. Such bliss.

 

The dead last thing the OP needs is to be encouraged to take back this abusive man so she can pander to him for another 20 years.

 

He crossed the line and after he kicked her, he continued to verbally abuse her! We're supposed to believe that he's suddenly all 'remorseful' now? Yeah, SURE he is. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Hopefuly the OP will post again. Sadly, it will probably be all about how things are SO much better now that they talked, and he's promised he'll behave himself in the future and things will be all rainbows and unicorns from here on out. That's petty much how the cycle usually goes.

 

Until the next time he does it.

 

Again.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Mrs._December