middle aged marriage advise needed

[preraph]

I know of no way to work through being abused except to just resign yourself that you are going to stay and take it. Because by staying, that is the message you send. It is also the message you send to any kids or grandkids. Good luck.

[Beendaredonedat]

Op: You've been this man's wife for 20 years and in that time he's never hit you. I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway). This was most likely a one off wherein he lashed out uncharacteristically and is now seemingly remorseful for his actions and how they have made you feel undervalued and frightened.

 

I am not down playing domestic abuse but I do believe that there has been a run-away-train in this thread that has you more scared and fearful than you were right after the incident. This, by all accounts is a one off and I think that you should treat it as such when he gets home tonite. You have said yourself that if it ever happens again,you will indeed call the police and press charges so just see how things are tonite when he gets home.

 

In the meantime, It would, IMO, be a good idea for you to decide, perhaps with the help of a therapist, if you want to go forward with him or leave him because his kick was the stick that broke the camels back.

 

Saying this, I know will likely make me some enemies here however: This "train" I'm reading makes a mockery of actual domestic abuse and the damaging physical and emotional affects it has on its victims. Was he wrong, of course he was and he should be made aware that it will never happen again or he will face the consequences of his actions. It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you.

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[preraph]

I don't know anyone who stayed with someone who hit them and only got hit one and done.

[Beendaredonedat]

That doesn't mean it doesn't happen

[preraph]

Who wants to worry about that every day?

 

You can try calling the National Domestic Violence 800 number and see what they recommend in the way of working through it.

 

1-800-799-7233

[schlumpy]

I'm glad to hear that the cabin is not isolated and that you are confident that help is nearby.

 

What I'm trying to focus on is what you said you want and that's a way to resolve this matter without him going to jail or you leaving the marriage. That's a tall order considering what he's done.

 

You want to keep everything and not get put in the hospital so, you need a solution that gives you leverage that he would be inclined to respect.

 

Pressure could be put on him by the family if they understand what the problem is and are willing to help. Are you able to make them understand the situation? That may be enough leverage if he doesn't want to disappoint them. This is one path you could explore.

 

My legal background is very thin but I'm wondering if an enforceable legal contract could be drawn up between you and him by a lawyer that he would respect. I'm not sure if this is doable sans law enforcement but it could not hurt to talk this over with a lawyer and see what they could offer. I feel he needs to worry about other people keeping an eye on him on your behalf.

 

You can use yourself as leverage in that you threaten to leave if he doesn't get help. Effective leverage? Only you know for sure.

 

Show him the police number on the speed dial and explain what happens if he crosses the physical line again. As you proved once before with your fake phone call he does fear this so, it is very effective leverage.

 

I welcome additions to these ideas from other forum participants. I certainly don't claim to have the clearest head in the room.

 

 

Best Wishes

[preraph]

Look, I understand the reaction to say this hadn't happened in 20 years, but as a child who grew up worrying every time my parents raised my voice that someone was going to get hurt, I can only assure you that the worst part of physical abuse isn't being hit. It's the fear that will never go away and never feeling secure again knowing that it can (and usually does) happen. This is something you haven't had time to experience yet. The dread. Finding yourself not speaking out, out of fear, worrying about closing your eyes at night after a disagreement.

 

Issues like this get worse as a person gets older, not better. You have to worry about getting old with them. Most old folks lose their filter at some point and with someone with violence in them when they don't get their way, self-control is no longer an option.

[Beendaredonedat]

Look, I understand the reaction to say this hadn't happened in 20 years, but as a child who grew up worrying every time my parents raised my voice that someone was going to get hurt, I can only assure you that the worst part of physical abuse isn't being hit. It's the fear that will never go away and never feeling secure again knowing that it can (and usually does) happen. This is something you haven't had time to experience yet. The dread. Finding yourself not speaking out, out of fear, worrying about closing your eyes at night after a disagreement.

Op: Have you been experiencing these feelings during your marriage?

 

Issues like this get worse as a person gets older, not better. You have to worry about getting old with them. Most old folks lose their filter at some point and with someone with violence in them when they don't get their way, self-control is no longer an option.

That remains to be seen in this instance. Op has vowed to report him to the police if it happens again. If it does happen again then she has enough knowledge to know what she has to do.

 

What changed your mind? He hasn’t done anything to prove he’s a changed man. Maybe he’s used soft and fluffy words - but that doesn’t mean he has done the necessary work.

 

Yesterday you were considering calling the police to file charges - today you’re considering spending a week with him at the lake?

 

What happened to change your mind?

Common sense? She knows projection when she sees it? Love of a man she's likely enjoyed 20 years with? Due to their history as a couple, is willing to not make a hasty decision on a one off? My guesses anyway... Op; What say you?

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[elaine567]

This is his pattern. He deals with things this way all the time.

I am expected to just pretend it never happened, shut my mouth and carry on.

This is a learned behaviour, his parents are the same way.

There has never been physical violence before, but he does have a nasty temper and when he gets mad he has been violent with household objects, breaking them and such

 

Does this sound like a happy enjoyable marriage? Really????

"I am expected to just pretend it never happened. Shut my mouth and carry on" - great fun.

Throwing and breaking things in anger is considered physical abuse.

Minimising will not help the OP.

Most on here who have been abused or actually know about abuse, would tell her to run and fast. Most wish they had done so right at the start...

[preraph]

I've read that abused women often try to leave an average of nine times before they're successful.

 

I like to think those are women who haven't educated themselves about the pattern of domestic violence.

Edited July 21, 2019 by preraph

[Beendaredonedat]

You don't know me very well. If you'd read my posts, you'd know part of my personal experience is from growing up with it, not from marriage. The other part is from knowing a lot about domestic violence from a whole lot of reading, as well as knowing about criminal psychology from decades of reading. Another part of my knowledge is from over the years having friends in abusive relationships.

 

No man has ever hit me and I am 66, so I'd say I did pretty well knowing how to navigate these situations.

 

This situation, this thread is not about what You went through growing up. No offence, and I'm sure you've availed yourself of the materials to educate yourself on domestic violence etc but that does not mean that what this Op when through is going to continue. If this was a short term marriage I may agree with you on it "going to happen again" but under these circumstances, my bet is on it will not. However, if it does, then the op knows that she will report him to the police and she will leave him so there isn't any further point trying to convince her to leave a two decade marriage over one incidence.

 

Just my opinion, and I respect yours. That is the beauty of these forums, there is always more than one opinion for the Op to mull over and make her decisions from.

 

Cheers!

[Beendaredonedat]

Every abuser needs a victim. Why encourage this poster to go back for more of his brand of abuse?

She hasn't left him so it's not a point of going back.

[preraph]

This situation, this thread is not about what You went through growing up. No offence, and I'm sure you've availed yourself of the materials to educate yourself on domestic violence etc but that does not mean that what this Op when through is going to continue. If this was a short term marriage I may agree with you on it "going to happen again" but under these circumstances, my bet is on it will not. However, if it does, then the op knows that she will report him to the police and she will leave him so there isn't any further point trying to convince her to leave a two decade marriage over one incidence.

 

Just my opinion, and I respect yours. That is the beauty of these forums, there is always more than one opinion for the Op to mull over and make her decisions from.

 

Cheers!

 

I don't respect yours. I think maybe you're the one projecting.

[heartbrokenlady]

Lost soul, you are clearly not ready yet to see him as abusive.

 

Please just make sure you have a 'just in case' place to go and access to money he has no access to. No pressure to leave / divorce etc.

 

And remember, these forums will be here next time you need them. No judgement.

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't respect yours. I think maybe you're the one projecting.

 

Nope, not me. I've had no experience with violence within a relationship. Whether you respect my opinion or not is irrelevant.

 

The Op has several opinions from people who agree with you, it's up to her if she takes the advice.

 

I do hope that if he does it again she has the courage to follow through with her convictions of calling the police and leaving him. If he doesn't do it again, I hope that they can work it out and they can be happy for the rest of their lives together.

 

I just think that this thread has overblown the actual situation and whether you respect that or not means nada.

 

Good luck, Op what ever you choose to do.

[Beendaredonedat]

Not yet, but she is at a pivotal point of deciding if she wants more the the same or wants to be treated better, and have a life where her voice is heard and she is respected.

 

Why wouldn’t you encourage any woman to want better treatment?

I have.

As mentioned above, I just think this whole thread has overblown the actual situation and when the Op first posted, she was still pretty upset (rightfully) over what he did.

 

We shall see how things go when he gets back. If nothing changes then she knows what she should do. I see no reason to keep trying to berating her into it.

[d0nnivain]

I am hardly an alarmist but when I read that he wants you to book a holiday at the lake my heart stopped. I'm so glad there are neighbors, wifi & easy access to law enforcement. That made my heart start beating again.

 

However he is not taking this seriously

 

 

I would rather try and work through this.

 

I got kicked once. Lets not paint this as life long abuse.

 

Advise on working through this would be great guys. Thanks.

 

Look I get it. You want your marriage to work. Who wouldn't?

 

Yes at this point you got kicked once. But re-read that. You got KICKED! This wasn't him turning away from you to punch a wall. This was a deliberate choice by him to inflict maximum bodily injury on you in a single blow. Do you not get that?

 

The advice I gave you was He MUST go to anger management. The advice others gave you -- people who work in the field of spousal abuse & domestic violence -- is that he crossed the most significant threshold. He had been difficult & ill tempered through most of your marriage. That IS a lifetime pattern of abuse. You can call it whatever you want. Your soft-soap label doesn't dilute the truth. Now he has crossed into violence. That threshold has been breeched. It will be easier for him to resort to violence the next time.

 

You are going to go to the lake. We have known that since you started the thread. Throughout this you have been his biggest champion. He's going to cajole you into forgiving him & forgetting about it. I pray to God that the next time he physically assaults you that you only end up in the hospital with a broken extremity bone or two rather than long term damage or dead & that then you finally wake up. Seriously, what do you think would have happened if he had kicked you in the head & fractured your skull.

 

Please remain safe.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway).

 

Trying to understand that projection based on his escalating pattern of anger, yelling, breaking things and now physical violence upon the OP.

 

It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you.

 

Because he didn't break a bone, put her in the hospital or kill her? If anything, this is textbook domestic abuse, it's just early in the cycle.

 

lostsoul2019, there's a way forward for your marriage, but it doesn't include making nice at the lake for the next week...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've read that abused women often try to leave an average of nine times before they're successful.

 

I like to think those are women who haven't educated themselves about the pattern of domestic violence.

 

Yes. This is indeed true. And no it doesn't necessarily mean they have been educated in any way.

 

Attempts can be anything as simple as picking up the phone, dialing a shelter or hotline and then hanging up before the call gets picked up. It could be packing up a suitcase and hiding it under the bed "just in case". It doesn't always mean they've physically left their home and sought out safety for however long or short.

 

In all the years I've worked in this field, I've NEVER...not once...encountered a situation where the abusive husband's behavior improved or stopped altogether. NEVER. It can and will shift/morph but will pretty much always increase.

 

What women who are stuck in these relationships need to realize is that THEY CAN NOT CHANGE THEIR HUSBANDS. Thinking their absence at the lake will somehow spark deep regret and thoughtful contemplation in their abusive husbands is an exercise in futility. Thinking they have the upper hand by playing these games with their husbands is an illusion at best.

 

In the end, HE has the upper hand and will always have it unless/until the wife finds the courage to break free and seek safety for her and her children, that or until the police are called and an arrest is made.

 

The longer someone is in an abusive relationship, the more normal it all feels and the harder it is to see it for what it really is. I think this is indeed the case with the OP.

 

She seems pretty confident that her husband will never hit her again but WHEN he does, even if she called the police, she will likely drop all charges and find reasons to forgive him and remain in the marriage.

 

Abuse is all about patterns. The OP and her marriage is chalk full of patterns which is why I'm confident in predicting how this will go if she doesn't take an active role in putting an end to it.

[Beendaredonedat]

OP: Here is link that I think you may find interesting from *WebMD (not Psychology Today, sorry) that I think is close to what you've experienced.

 

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/he-hit-you-once-should-you-be-worried

 

 

 

Should You Be Worried if He Hit You Just Once?

In addition, according to a number of studies, once a man has been violent, there's a chance he'll become violent again -- maybe even more violent. That's why I highly recommend couples therapy (for you and your husband) and individual therapy (for you). But if you at any time feel unsafe, you should leave immediately and notify the authorities.

This is what I have been suggesting all along and what I hoped your husband and you would do... to see what he is willing to do when you discuss on his return from the lake.

 

I don't see anywhere in the article where she says that she should immediately leave.

 

It does not say how long the couple in question were together before the first "hit" either.

 

I look forward to your update and as I've said before, wish you luck no matter what decision you make. I also hope that he will go with you to marital counselling, if not, you will go alone.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Beendaredonedat]

If ANYONE feels violated and/or abused - yes, leave immediately and call the authorities. It should go without saying that it’s unacceptable to see abuse as something that has no consequences for the abuser.

Of course she should leave, I've been saying that all along IF he does it again. Once again. This violence was a one off that happened after 20 years of marriage. If it wasn't the first time then she shouldn't hesitate to leave and file a report with the police.

The consequences to his actions now appears to be that he'll have to look into anger management and counselling if he wants the marriage to continue. That is a very good boundary for her to uphold IMO.

 

To advise of anything else is just irresponsible.

No one is advising anything different.

 

 

And yes, I do wish she had called the police when it happened. Protecting yourself when anyone abuses you is first on the list of things to do.

I wish he realizes the error of his ways, adheres to any stipulations going forth that the Op imposes on him and they live happily ever after for the rest of their lives without incident.

 

Yes, its been pointed out several times now that if he does it once he will do it again but that isn't always the case, particularly if it didn't happen until 20 years in and if she has threatened taking it public which, as she has said, would ruin his business reputation.

 

We shall see.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Beendaredonedat]

I think that’s where we differ...

 

You think it is a one-off.

 

I don’t. Especially since she described him being violent over the years by yelling and throwing things while angry.

 

Those are still abusive - and make a person feel unsafe. Just because this was the first time he struck her with physical harm doesn’t show he hasn’t done angry outbursts in their 20 year history.

 

He had other abusive ways - this time it escalated.

Yes, I understand that he's got an over-the-top temper that is why, before throwing away 20 years together and all that entails, they should get counselling either individually (probably best) and marriage counselling.

 

If he won't go to either, then Op would do well to get a few sessions in which will (hopefully) help her to have the confidence to leave.

[elaine567]

This is not "a one off".

He has spent years yelling at the OP, throwing things and breaking them - all that is domestic abuse. That is not "normal".

Now he has taken it to another level - he kicked her hard enough to cause significant bruising.

If he decides next to attempt to strangle her is that a "one off" as he has never done that before, or he stabs her, yet another "one off"...

 

This is not trivial stuff, this is serious stuff.

Women die every day at the hands of violent men.

The days of brushing this stuff under the carpet and telling women to stay and put up with it as he won't do it again, should be long gone.

[Beendaredonedat]

This

If he decides next to attempt to strangle her is that a "one off" as he has never done that before, or he stabs her, yet another "one off"...

Straw man arguments about things that have not happened don't help the Op. He's not going to come home from the lake and do any of those things.

 

This is not trivial stuff, this is serious stuff.

Yes it is.

Women die every day at the hands of violent men.

Yes they do.

 

The days of brushing this stuff under the carpet and telling women to stay and put up with it as he won't do it again, should be long gone.

No one has suggested she "stuff this under the carpet." I've suggested she take steps to impose conditions on her staying and if he won't adhere to those stipulations then she would do well to leave and perhaps her own personal therapy will help her to get the strength to do that.

[Beendaredonedat]

Been dare

 

You have no idea what he may or may not do.

 

Clearly...Nor do any of you suggesting he's going to do any of the things you say he is going to do.

 

However: There is a pattern of verbal abuse, there is no pattern of physical abuse and he's never hit her in 20 years of marriage. If he had hit her their first year in and had done it again at any time, that would be a different story **and I would be on board with her leaving him BEFORE he got back from the lake.

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
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