Michelle ma Belle Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Op: You've been this man's wife for 20 years and in that time he's never hit you. I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway). This was most likely a one off wherein he lashed out uncharacteristically and is now seemingly remorseful for his actions and how they have made you feel undervalued and frightened. I am not down playing domestic abuse but I do believe that there has been a run-away-train in this thread that has you more scared and fearful than you were right after the incident. This, by all accounts is a one off and I think that you should treat it as such when he gets home tonite. You have said yourself that if it ever happens again,you will indeed call the police and press charges so just see how things are tonite when he gets home. In the meantime, It would, IMO, be a good idea for you to decide, perhaps with the help of a therapist, if you want to go forward with him or leave him because his kick was the stick that broke the camels back. Saying this, I know will likely make me some enemies here however: This "train" I'm reading makes a mockery of actual domestic abuse and the damaging physical and emotional affects it has on its victims. Was he wrong, of course he was and he should be made aware that it will never happen again or he will face the consequences of his actions. It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you. I think this is a very dangerous and very naive post from someone who has no background or experience with domestic abuse. The only fear mongering taking place in this thread is done by her husband who has a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse with violent outbursts. Just because it's taken him 20 years to physically strike her does NOT mean all is well in their marriage and that he won't do it again. The reality is that the OP has been in this relationship for 20 years and, as I've already said, it feels normal to her making it all the more harder for her to truly see just how toxic his behavior is. The fact that he finally felt comfortable enough physically harm her is just part and parcel of how these types of relationships unfold. Assuming the OP is strong enough to put a line in the sand and/or walk out of her 20 year marriage if/when he hits her again is hopeful and naive at best. She's put up with his verbal abuse and degrading comments for YEARS when most of us would have given him walking papers at the first sign of disrespect. Just because he didn't leave a visible bruise or break a bone or waited 20 years to make contact with her does NOT mean she is safe. He has a long history of being verbally and emotionally abusive and the emotional scars THAT leaves behind are far worse than anything physical. OP needs therapy and a safe place to divulge this information who will help her see it for what it is, and hopefully, find the courage to make some very dramatic and necessary changes in her life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 First, when he gets home, there will be a serious decision. Depending on what he says to me and what his plans are to change, i may or may not go to the lake. There is no isolation at the lake. There are piles of people all around everywhere and we have great neighbors close nearby. Its not a wilderness campground! If something happens there i know a ton of people very well there. We have wifi at the lake and cell phones. I would rather try and work through this. I got kicked once. Lets not paint this as life long abuse. Advise on working through this would be great guys. Thanks. Once is all it takes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Hope you are ok lostsoul. Wish you would have called the police when it first happened. You never deserved to get kicked, never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 I don't believe he will strike her again because if he was inclined to be physically abusive he would have been that way long before spending 20 years with the Op. If he were to do it again then she should leave him. If he won't get anger management or marriage therapy to help him with his verbal abuse then she should leave him. I don't agree she should just leave him without discussion of about therapies in which they both agree to get personal therapy and together in marriage therapy. Odds are she is just fine and has been up at the lake with her husband or she's left the thread because she doesn't want to board what, IMO was a runaway train of fear inducing advice. Advice that would be wonderful for someone trapped in a marriage consisting of ongoing physical abuse.. Not a one off wherein we don't even know if he's agreed to work with her with a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 No-one is ever "fine" after being hit in anger by her husband... It doesn't work like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 ^^^^ Oh please! ... I meant he likely has NOT killed her or been physically violent with her while they are away at the lake (if that is one of the reasons she hasn't returned to her thread) Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 I don't believe he will strike her again because if he was inclined to be physically abusive he would have been that way long before spending 20 years with the Op. If he were to do it again then she should leave him. If he won't get anger management or marriage therapy to help him with his verbal abuse then she should leave him. I don't agree she should just leave him without discussion of about therapies in which they both agree to get personal therapy and together in marriage therapy. Odds are she is just fine and has been up at the lake with her husband or she's left the thread because she doesn't want to board what, IMO was a runaway train of fear inducing advice. Advice that would be wonderful for someone trapped in a marriage consisting of ongoing physical abuse.. Not a one off wherein we don't even know if he's agreed to work with her with a therapist. Again, very naive post. Verbal abuse doesn't need physical violence to be effective. It takes time to gain enough control over someone to make sure they will not leave after a physically abusive event. Verbal abuse tactics are the easiest way to implement domestic abuse without the victim noticing it. Physical abuse occurs when the abuser feels that verbal abuse is no longer working. The abuser's anger and fear of being unable to control the victim erupt in physical violence. All types of verbal abuse are red flags foretelling physical violence As I've already said, the OP has been dealing with his violence for years so to her, this is all 'normal' behavior in HER eyes. Him kicking her out of anger jolted her back to reality as it was 'out of the norm' for her yet not out of the norm as far as how these relationships unfold. Besides, I suspect there is much more to this story then what the OP is revealing here. Women in these types of relationships are fiercely protective of their husbands in spite of everything and desperately look for ways to justify their husbands behavior. It doesn't matter if he ever hits her again (and he will), she is in need of counselling regardless. AGAIN, just because he hasn't struck her in 20 years doesn't make this all okay nor does it mean he won't do it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Again... ^^ that advice does not necessarily apply to this Opening Poster. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Again... ^^ that advice does not necessarily apply to this Opening Poster. And neither does yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Adding: Educating her and any other poster that has been hit by their spouse is productive. Continuing to suggest she leave him after 20 years and a one off without seeing if they will take corrective action (through therapies) is not and she likely won't take such advice to just leave him after being with him for so many years so *i* am giving her some advice on what to do that may help the two of them stay together without any further abuse of any kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 And neither does yours. I'm not saying it does.. I'ts just an alternative to the run-away-train of 'leave him now. PERIOD!' (and the like). Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 I'm not saying it does.. I'ts just an alternative to the run-away-train of 'leave him now. PERIOD!' (and the like). Everything done in these forums is about giving alternatives and offering new perspectives. That's the whole basis of such a place! No one knows for sure what is the real truth here. We can only take what the OP chooses to tell us and we weigh in accordingly based on our unique perspectives. Welcome to online forums. As for the OP, I suspect she's been following this thread but has chosen not to contribute further as she recognizes a lot of uncomfortable truths that may be hard to swallow fat this time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Well, we'll never know if and until she returns to her thread and lets us know what her plans are. No matter what she chooses, I for one wish her good luck in either having the strength to leave or they both stay together and have the strength to get the professional help they will need to go forth with the right tools and boundaries in place. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Adding: Educating her and any other poster that has been hit by their spouse is productive. Continuing to suggest she leave him after 20 years and a one off without seeing if they will take corrective action (through therapies) is not and she likely won't take such advice to just leave him after being with him for so many years so *i* am giving her some advice on what to do that may help the two of them stay together without any further abuse of any kind. It’s his inability to control his anger is not a one off problem. It has been going all the entire time they have been together. He’s just now gone further than he’s ever before by hitting her. She should’ve called the cops 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 It’s his inability to control his anger is not a one off problem. It has been going all the entire time they have been together. He’s just now gone further than he’s ever before by hitting her. She should’ve called the cops Yes, I've read the thread and know the details. It doesn't change my opinion about leaving him right now but of course that is up to her. I could be wrong but I don't think she will leave him so if she IS going to stay then (once again) I suggest she and he get the therapies they will need to go forth together in a functional and harmonious union. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Everything done in these forums is about giving alternatives and offering new perspectives. That's the whole basis of such a place! No one knows for sure what is the real truth here. We can only take what the OP chooses to tell us and we weigh in accordingly based on our unique perspectives. Welcome to online forums. As for the OP, I suspect she's been following this thread but has chosen not to contribute further as she recognizes a lot of uncomfortable truths that may be hard to swallow fat this time. Yes. Even if we were real-life friends, once they tell us about abuse and come to us needing help, they will distance themselves once they decide to go back or stay in it. It's textbook. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 ... or she's just having fun with her long term husband and they are making their marriage counselling appointments from the lake. ;D I prefer to take a more positive guess in Op's particular instance. Link to post Share on other sites
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