Am I an A-hole?

[Timshel]

Histrionic personalities have a field day with illness and death. It's the only time they don't seem too out of norm and milk it for all it's worth. Sounds cold, it is.

 

Some_username, I am sorry about your Nan. I would suggest individual counseling only for yourself as you adjust your perception of familial relationships.

 

Your instinct was that this isn't comfortable and that is important for you to listen...I sensed no disrespect towards you Nan; rather going against your inner feelings of distrust toward your mother.

 

Keep these things low, there is no reason at this time to be confrontational toward your mom and family.

Do address this in individual counseling.

Best.

[some_username1]

Glad you came to a decision you can live with OP. For what it's worth I wouldn't have thought you were an ahole even if you didn't fly back early. My impression is that your mother has always been controlling and manipulative with her hysterics and guilt tripping, not that she just suddenly turned into this because she is grieving.

 

I have grown sons and I have a mother who is still alive but not doing to well. When the times comes I will let them decide what they want to do. She is my mother and I'm the one with a responsibility to her. Besides, my mom doesn't like people around her when she doesn't feel well. When she is having a hard time she only wants me or my brother around and even we get on her nerves.

 

I understand your reasoning. There are already a lot of people there to support each other, your mother has her husband. Adding one more person to the list of people already there isn't going to make a difference. If your Nan is really lingering at deaths door she is probably not all that aware and is likely most comforted by her own children. Some say you have a duty to your mother and that may be true but I suspect that your mother has always used guilt and yelling and crying to control others. If she truly needed you then she would be thrilled to know that you are coming now and eagerly waiting to greet you, instead she is ignoring you so that she can punish you some more.

 

Yes, if I was a woman and this was my husband acting like this I am sure people would say it was controlling behaviour.

 

To give you a recent example of what she is like she organised a birthday gathering at the nursing home for my nan. I work from home so was able to be there even though it was a weekday. But that wasn’t good enough for my mum. When I got in the car she was instantly like “why have you got your laptop?” and I replied “because I’m still technically at work”. She replied “but you aren’t going to use it and be unsociable at the party are you?”. I said “I will chat to people while I do my work”. She flew off the handle with the histrionics again.

 

She literally could not get it in her head that she was lucky I worked from home so I could be there at all. She expected me to down tools in the middle of the day for 3 hours because this party was more important than my job! It’s breath-taking how single minded she is when there is something she wants to achieve.

 

That is why I’m not buying all these tears and hysterics she threw last night. It.’s just more controlling behaviour whilst trying to rob me of a free choice as to whether I go back or not. The problem is that everyone else, especially her husband, buys into it and they all back down to stop her from having a heart attack. So instead of using some common sense he has turned on me now and hates me because I’ve got my mum worked up when really she works herself up as it’s the best way to get people to do what she wants. What grown woman in her 60’s throws tantrums and screams and wails like a child? It.’s not normal behaviour, it really isn’t.

[some_username1]

Histrionic personalities have a field day with illness and death. It's the only time they don't seem too out of norm and milk it for all it's worth. Sounds cold, it is.

 

Some_username, I am sorry about your Nan. I would suggest individual counseling only for yourself as you adjust your perception of familial relationships.

 

Your instinct was that this isn't comfortable and that is important for you to listen...I sensed no disrespect towards you Nan; rather going against your inner feelings of distrust toward your mother.

 

Keep these things low, there is no reason at this time to be confrontational toward your mom and family.

Do address this in individual counseling.

Best.

 

Thanks, I’m glad you picked up that isn’t meant as a slight against my nan and more trying to avoid feeling manipulated by my mother.

 

I will definitely not be looking to pick any fights now but I realise that I can’t hold my tongue about my mother’s mood swings much longer. Nobody else has ever tried to tackle it and I really feel my mum needs to be asked whether she feels her behaviour is normal and whether she need to see someone about why she can’t control such extremes of emotion.

 

I have read about histrionic personality dis-order, she doesn’t really fit many of the traits apart from violent mood swings. Something isn’t right though as I don’t know anyone else who is prone to such meltdowns. Dare I say it but it’s a great tactic to end debate and get people to do what you want.

[Timshel]

Leave it alone for now, this is not a proper time. You said in an earlier post that you feel codependent with your mom. This is something to explore...your awareness that this relationship is off is moving forward.

Let it be for the moment and explore with a qualified psychologist.

[Beendaredonedat]

I have read about histrionic personality dis-order, she doesn’t really fit many of the traits apart from violent mood swings. Something isn’t right though as I don’t know anyone else who is prone to such meltdowns

How old is she? Maybe she's going through menopause. Some women have a real hard time with their emotions during the meno.

[some_username1]

Once again, thanks for the replies and perspective everyone, here’s how it all went down:

 

My mum made an attempt to contact me on my way to the airport but I stuck by my decision to stay at my friends place. The animosity seemed to have thawed though, I expressed sadness that we rowed but didn’t apologise for standing my ground and we agreed to discuss it another time.

 

I went to the nursing home and my nan was in a really bad way so my mum was not being dramatic about the severity of the situation. My mum thought my nan’s eyes lit up when she saw me as she thought that I was still on holiday. She couldn’t say a lot as she was too tired but I felt like I’d been punched in the gut when she said “promise me you will make something of your life. You are a nice boy, don’t waste it”. We then said our “I love you’s” and I had to leave to her to get some rest.

 

I was out in the corridor for a while then and thought my mum and aunt were with her. I put my head round the door and I could see the top of my nan’s head over the top of the headboard and my mum and aunt weren’t there. It cuts me to the core thinking of my nan all alone like that at a time like this, it doesn’t seem right at all. My mum came back from speaking to the head carer and we left. My mum could see I was in a state after seeing my nan on her own so she took me for a drink and we discussed the row. I told her about this thread and that opinion was split as to who was morally right but overall the opinion was that I should be there for my nan. My mum accepted her approach was wrong and clarified that she wanted me there because it was what my nan would want and not for her. She also explained that my nan is also concerned about my family not being able to get on with their lives while this is going on and is frustrated that it’s taking so long, in a way. The home also has no facilities for people to stay round the clock. That being said I still don’t know how she can be alone, it doesn’t seem right. So I’m feeling that coming back was the right thing to do, at least for my nan, but also feeling vindicated that remembering her as she was the best way for me to deal with it because I would have thought that she had my family there round the clock. I’ve now got the extra emotional burden of knowing that she spends the nights in her room alone living out her final hours and even if that’s what she wants it really hurts and makes me upset thinking about it

[schlumpy]

Good job. Thank you for the update. It was touching.

[Beendaredonedat]

Glad things are ironed out with you and your mom.

 

As for your nan being alone at night. I think if you asked they would provide you with a chair to sit by her side until she passes if that is what you or your mom would like to do. I know they will do that for you in a regular hospital so it would seem they would want to be more accomodating since the nursing home is her home.

 

You could take turns being with her. Did she specifically say she wanted to be alone?

[skywriter]

some_usernameif you could spare an hour or so a couple of days a week to take a book and read to her or maybe watch a program that she likes.

 

I imagine it would do you both a great deal of good. Maybe take her a treat or an option for dinner. Some of those facilities don't have meals every night that she may care to have.

 

She would tell you go be with your friends and such but inside she'd truly be so very happy and proud you chose to be there. I only know this because I've lived it and experienced it.

[preraph]

Glad you are glad you went. Sorry it's been sad.

 

Your mom might also have some narcissism. Where she thinks nothing is as important as whatever her concerns are and feels everyone should fall in line behind her needs instead of their own.

[d0nnivain]

If you are concerned about nan being alone, go spend time with her. I was in the room when both my parents passed. the facility should accommodate you if nan's death is that imminent.

 

I'm glad you got to see her & that you talked to your mom.

 

Now work on fulfilling the deathbed promise you made to your nan & make something of your life.

[some_username1]

So it’s been a while and I’ve been meaning to update this thread but life has been getting in the way.

 

Anyway, you guys aren’t gonna believe this…..

 

….after all that my nan is fine! She has beaten sepsis. This comeback was so miraculous that her doctor paid her a visit off the books to tell her that she is the talk of the town in medical circles!

 

In some ways it’s no real surprise to me, my family had written her off but knowing all the things she has been through in her life (she is a German refugee so as a young girl was caught up in the war, bombing raids, Russian invasion etc.) plus smoking like a chimney for 30 years without feeling any ill effects it made me think that sepsis wasn’t going to take her easily. I did try to say this to my mum when I was on holiday, that she would be fine by the time I got back but my mum wasn’t having any of it. Admittedly she looked like she wouldn’t last the night on the Sunday I got back when I saw her, but considering she turned down hospital treatment she was sent back to the nursing home with a course of antibiotics and those, plus her constitution have resulted in the doctor telling my mother about 2 weeks or so after I got back that she has pulled through.

 

She is not completely out of the woods yet, her immune system has taken a severe beating and any infection now is likely to be curtains, but all being well the doctor expects her to be here in six months, but probably not two years.

 

So it’s good news and my nan has gone from feeling ready to give up to feeling like she has as much of a new lease of life as one can expect for a 91 year old who is confined to her room. There was a comical moment where my nan was rooting around for her weekly TV guide which my mum had cancelled thinking it was the end so my mum had to run to the nearest shop and buy one and sneak it into my nan’s room without her noticing! She even cut my mum short on the phone the other day because the carers were coming with the hoist to help her into the wheelchair so she could go in the garden- she used to hate that bloody hoist! She’ll be going bungee jumping next…

 

On a personal level I admit I’m currently unable to resist getting a few light hearted digs in at my mum about how I was right that my nan would still be around if I had let things play out normally. Our relationship seem to be back to normal, the next issue I have is that her husband is bearing a grudge towards me and refused to shake my hand or talk to me when I stayed with them whilst I was back visiting my nan. I’m not sure how to deal with it or if I even should as I feel my response at the time was not shouty but measured and (imo) based on a rational view of the situation. We did start discussing it at one point and he didn’t hold back in telling me how selfish he thought I was. I objected - I think I am more ignorant if anything and that manifests itself as selfishness but I certainly don’t deliberately set out to hurt people.

 

I have no problem with him though and am happy to let it go so at this point it seems to say more about him than it does about me considering that he is basing his opinion on a conversation of which he only heard one side. So he doesn’t know if my mum’s reaction was appropriate.

 

Ah well, it is what it is i guess.

[elaine567]

Your mother's husband is defending his wife which is a good thing really.

You upset your mother and he didn't like to see her upset and he is letting you know that.

He is basically telling you "Don't do that again."

[preraph]

Your dad doesn't want to listen to his wife gripe about it, and he's who hears most of it. You're an adult. You do what you feel is right.