She never talks about her boyfriend

[Dndsaster]

So since October Ive made a new friend group, bunch of nice good people. It started out with us going to the movies every Thursday night and has progressed in us hanging out more. There is one girl in the group Ive had a crush on since I first met her, but she was in a relationship. We both came into the friends group at the same time through a mutual friend. We'd all hang out and talk and enjoy each others company but I never really pursued her romantically because she was in said relationship.

 

Fast foward to last Saturday, a week ago and we were at a backyard bbq party. The last few days before that, a private chat with her and I had picked up. Which was kinda new. So we decided to go to the party at the same time, as it was a celebration for one of the friends in the group and we didnt know a majority of her other friends/family. We talked and laughed and really vibed the whole night. With some of our friends taking notice.

 

Now remind you Ive known her and seen her about once a week since October and have never met her boyfriend, he almost doesnt exist in my head. She never mentions him to me and we've never met. Soooo I decide that night to tell her I have feelings for her, which I do. I also say I understand she's in a relationship and I will respect that but that I felt dishonest not letting her know how I felt. She kinda glossed over it with "Its ok for people to have feelings" and that her knowing this wouldnt make it weird or effect our friendship. Sounded like a rejection from a friend that wants to be a friend. Darn.

 

But here comes the reason for this thread. Ever since I told her we've been texting (on snapchat) from morning till night. Weve become each others #1 best friends and Ive even let the conversation die 4 or 5 times to which she will start it back up pretty much immediately with something else just to keep talking. Shes confided in me about a health issue shes seeing a doctor for and we've both opened up to each other more.

 

Since Saturday we've hung out twice in person. Both times Ive felt more of an attraction and chemistry from and with her. We hung out (with 2 other female friends and a male friend) at a coffee shop for 5 hours and played scrabble. It was like the others werent there. Over time 2 lf the friends left during our hangout and it didnt matter. We were kinda in our own world, and I could tell she was asking me questions about where I wanted to go in life. Still, no mention of her boyfriend. Not once. Not once in the 50-100 messages we send back and forth each day, everyday for the past week. Like Ive said, Ive never met him.

 

I told her I would respect her relationship, and a big part of why Im hesitant about telling her I am now literally falling in love with her is because I think shes trying to get there with me. Sunday we were talking about past relationships and she mentioned its always been hard for her to break up with someone, and the last time she did it took her months.

 

Also even though we've been talking all day there has been little to no flirting, but I kinda get the idea she might not be great at it. The attraction I feel when were together in person makes up for that though.

 

So while I feel we're moving towards something, Im also afraid that I could be totally wrong and we might just be friends. I want to bring it up more bluntly but Im afraid of ruining whats been going on this last week. Ive been lonely for a while and honestly just finally got over a long term relationship that ended over 2 years ago. I havnt had a serious girlfriend since and Im really falling for this one. So basically its flipping terrifying. Im ok and happy to take it slow, but I would be crushed if in a months time or whatever I find I was just always a friend. Because like I said, I am falling for her much quicker now that we are in constant contact. Thanks for listening to my Ted Talk, comments are appreciated.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Dndsaster

[schlumpy]

Every relationship builds in waves. You get to the top of the wave, get over and start rising again or the boat overturns. You need resolution at the top the wave as to whether this is going someplace or not so you can build up to the next one.

 

You could risk everything. Whether you want to admit it or not you are helping her cheat on her current relationship. I'm sure she's experiencing some emotional regret over this. Everyone likes to see themselves as loyal and true it's the other guys you have to look out for.

 

Tell her you want to date her and get an answer. Force her to choose knowing you could lose and if you lose - cut contact. It's a tough tactic but an honorable one.

 

OR:

 

You could ride the crest just a bit longer while you gather intel on her boyfriend. I think if you can get a sense of what their relationship is like it will help you make a decision as to whether to continue to pursue. They could have a very solid relationship with talk of marriage in their future which would make what you are doing a amusing distraction for her.

 

Don't you find it a bit odd that she is attending a friends group without her SO? People get together hoping and looking for romantic relationships not just good time and good friends.

 

Best Wishes

[Dndsaster]

Schlumpy I appreciate your reply. The second part has been on my mind. Last Christmas she said her boyfriend had not gotten her anything so Id like to think he just sucks. But I dont know him. My previous relationship that ended two years ago was a suprise to me. It wasnt till she went public with her coworker that things cleared up. I cannot help but wonder if they were talking like this for some time as well. I dont wish to be that guy you are right.

 

I do think that her SO never being out with her is strange. Maybe I will have to ask about that before going further. Thank you for helping me reflect.

[Cersei]

It seems to me that she is flattered that you like her. Any time someone is attracted to you it is an ego boost. I think she is feeding off this attraction.

 

Stay distant for a bit and I can almost guarantee she will reach out to you for more attention.

[elaine567]

Difficult to know really.

BUT she joined a friendship group, she confirmed that you having feelings did not impact on your friendship, you told her you would respect her relationship

Then she apparently "best friends" you IMO... there is no flirting on her part and that is probably deliberate, not because she is bad at flirting..

 

Having a platonic best friend who "loves" you, can be seen as a good thing for some women.

You have her back, you would date her in an instant and that makes her feel good, but she would never date you, as she has a bf...

You are probably her close friend and buddy, someone she can vent to, someone she can offload to.

I guess her bf either works away, lives farther away, is a workaholic or is not terrifically emotionally available...etc. BUT he is probably still "the real deal"

 

I guess if he wasn't, she would have split up with him and been all over you like a rash as soon as you said you had feelings.

 

Whatever it is, you are not in a great place.

1. If she decides to cheat with you - then you are the OM...and is a cheater such a great prize? She may never leave him for you.
   
2. If she decides to dump the bf, then you may have to deal with the fall out from that, ie her grieving for the bf and you being the rebound...
   
3. If she decides to keep you as her bff, then you are hankering after a woman who doesn't feel the same...unrequited love
   

 

You do not seem to me to be someone she is "romantically" excited about, so you may get very hurt here.

[d0nnivain]

Not every body broadcasts their personal business.

 

There was the guy who was a friend of a friend. He hung out with the group -- parties, whatever, some travel. He was married. He wore a wedding ring. He had kids. His wife was never around & he didn't talk about her. I didn't even know her name. This went on for 10+ years. I met her at his funeral.

 

I think you are friendzoned with this girl. You are being an orbiter, trying to get to know her better, thinking that your constant presence in her life will encourage her to date you. It won't

[Butterflying]

I usually tell people I have a boyfriend, especially when meeting groups of friends for likeminded interests activities. I do this for a variety of reasons.

1) I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me for being single.

2) Everyone wants someone they feel is "desired" by other people.

3) I don't like people trying to set me up with every man they know who's single. It's always an undesirable man with nothing in common with me.

 

It gets complicated when I actually do meet a man I'm attracted to. But after the first date or two, I will tell him that I've broken up with my boyfriend.

 

The only time I keep up the lie about having a boyfriend is with someone I want to keep distant. Perhaps I like him, but I sense he's clingy or weird in some way. Sometimes I do it to avoid having sex with a new guy too soon.

 

But if she really does have a boyfriend, her behavior with you is a huge RED FLAG. Especially knowing how you feel about her. Not talking about the boyfriend is also shady. She probably hasn't told him about you. That's dishonest, especially considering how much time you two spend together. You're already having an emotional relationship. I am always suspicious of my friends who never talk about spouses or significant others.

[preraph]

She's come right out and said it's just friends and she certainly didn't encourage you when you confessed your feelings. She basically said, Not my problem. And then since you didn't fly the coop, she assumes you're alright just being her buddy.

 

Her bf probably doesn't like to get out much, so she joined a friend group. I have a close friend whose husband was an attractive nice guy, but she likes to get out and go places and he never did. He just sat at home and read or whatever. So she went with friends.

 

I ended up accidentally dating a married guy with a baby because in three years of knowing him as a friend and knowing his close friends, I never heard that he had a wife or a kid! I didn't know until the first night we slept together afterward when he said, Now I feel guilty. I was like, Guilty? Why would you feel guilty? He played in a local band and went to the parties and was everywhere all the time -- and she was never with him and no one knew her.

 

There's all kinds.

 

Also, once you agree to be friends, you are now in the friendzone. The liklihood of her even being able to see you as anything else is practically nil. If she was romantically interested and ready to monkey-branch away from her bf, she would have come on strong in a romantic way. And IF she doesn't have a bf, then she is definitely attracted to you to tell you she does.

Edited July 20, 2019 by preraph