Am I Wrong?

[rci15]

I apologize in advance for the long post so please try to bear with me My boyfriend and I have been struggling with an issue and I was hoping to get an outsider’s perspective. I was a sex worker when we met 7 months ago and he was one of my clients. He started to like me shortly after and wanted to start dating and I developed feelings for him as well so I decided to give it a chance. The one condition that he had was that he wanted me to quit my work. The idea to me was frightening because although I was planning on quitting in a year or two, this was my only means of income at that time as I was a single mom trying to support my son. I agreed to quit with the stipulation that I keep all my profiles active for a while until the relationship progressed and I knew and trusted him enough to take everything down. Now mind you, this was in the first month of dating. The only reason that I agreed to stop is because he said he would support me even though it wasn’t what I was making before and he did most of the time. We had issues off and on and he started to get angry that I wouldn’t take my profiles down in the next month or two. Two months after we started dating I sold my condo (not because of him) and started living in a place he owned and he broke up with me three times within a few weeks, the first time several days after I moved in which was two days before Christmas and then a few weeks later after he was staying at the condo with me he broke up with me another two times. He said it was because I wouldn’t take the profiles down and that I was holding onto that life. At this point, I no longer trusted him so I saw a client again a few days after we broke up because I thought it was over for good this time and my plan was to go back to work. We wound up getting back together but he didn’t know what happened completely as I lied and told him I went to meet the guy and couldn’t go through with it. Fast forward 6 months later and I finally told him the truth and he is very hurt and acting quite irrationally, drinking every day and trying to make me feel bad about my line of work among a lot of other things that I won’t get into. He keeps saying I cheated and he can’t trust me. I have been trying to explain to him that in the situation at that time, I no longer trusted him to keep supporting me and my son based on the events leading up to that day. We only knew each other a short period of time and I felt I already went beyond what most people would have done at that stage in the relationship. Am I wrong here? We do love each other very much and I want to get past this. He keeps saying I am cold and have no empathy for what I did. I do feel bad that I hurt him and have apologized many times but I don't know what else I can do beyond that.

[basil67]

When I read this, I’m not seeing two people who love each other very much. Look after yourself as best you can.

[schlumpy]

This isn't your problem RC. Your SO is a White Knight who is trying to save you from a life of licentiousness and returning you to respectability. He has never taken a moment to understand who you are or how you look at the world.

 

He sees sex as connected to love, you don't. That's a huge chasm to cross in a relationship.

 

I don't read where you misrepresented yourself. You've been honest about who you are, what you do and how you feel. You didn't make this mess by meeting with a client. You didn't cheat on him because in your compartmentalized mind it's just sex. It's your job.

 

There is no long term future here. Leave the relationship and never try to connect again with another man who believes sex and love are one.

 

Best Wishes to you and your son

[FMW]

I agree with schlumpy. He sees himself as your rescuer and savior. That's an unequal equation for a relationship, not good for either of you.

 

He doesn't see your work from your point of view, doesn't accept the reality of it for you. I don't think that's something that can be worked through.

 

My xH had that White Knight image of himself in relation to a stripper who also had sex with selected customers (him being one of them). He moved her in with him during our divorce and supported her, they exchanged I Love yous, but he had a definite expectation that she would be grateful to him and follow his "rules".

 

Again, not a good setup for either of you.

[salparadise]

Perhaps you simply aren't a match, as the others have said, but given the goal the two of you were trying to achieve...

 

If you wanted the relationship to work, what would've been the problem with taking the profiles down? You could always put them back up if the R didn't work. He made it clear that his terms were that you quit that life. You agreed in essence but refused to follow through, you were hedging.

 

You see, in the non-sex-worker world men (and women) place high value on fidelity. It's the way we're wired and socialized. We see that as normal. No man wants to have to worry about what his wife/girlfriend is doing when he's at work. Trust is the foundation of relationship.

 

You said you kept the profiles because you didn't trust him, and he didn't trust you because you kept the profiles. This seems more like an adversarial business negotiation than a romance. So your fears were realized and so were his.

 

Are you still trying to work it out, or are you done?

[Mr. Lucky]

If you wanted the relationship to work, what would've been the problem with taking the profiles down?

 

Have to admit, this was my first thought also, though I obviously don't know all the technical or business reasons for not doing so.

 

Seems he was trying to commit to you and didn't feel he was getting the same back. As a "civilian", have to agree with him.

 

I can only imagine the challenges involved in making this relationship work. Everyday unions are tough enough, yours is the equivalent of the Millennium math problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I'm not jumping to the conclusion that he is a good man, but no reasonable man would be able to sustain a relationship with a woman who he knew could go back to being a sex worker at the drop of a hat. Even just taking the profiles down wouldn't do it for most of them.

Even if you had taken the profiles down, it's most likely that he would be imagining that you were cheating behind his back or working behind his back.

 

 

being a sex worker is an impediment to having a healthy relationship.

[salparadise]

Even if you had taken the profiles down, it's most likely that he would be imagining that you were cheating behind his back or working behind his back.

 

Being a sex worker is an impediment to having a healthy relationship.

 

^ Right. There are two aspects. The first being that she was ever a sex-worker in the first place. For most men that would be disqualifying, no discussion. But this guy knew her history and was willing to accept it, *on the condition* (second aspect) that she gives it up for him. The Julia Roberts - Pretty Woman fantasy, wherein he rescues, she jumps at the opportunity to go straight, and they live happily ever after. In his mind she should've been eternally grateful that he was willing to make an honest woman out of her.

 

But, OP apparently didn't understand this essential feature of his fantasy. Either that or she just couldn't do it. He told her that he was upset because she "was holding onto that life." And she obviously was, but in her mind it was justifiable. That's what this thread is about –– she wants us to validate her justification.

 

So, what's really going on... why was she not eager to seize this opportunity and be grateful for the rescue? It seems perfectly logical that she would for all of us "straight" folks, for the same reasons we don't choose it ourselves, or encourage our daughters to. But there is more to it for OP. She portrays it as a purely practical decision, like quitting a good job to move and be with your partner. She sees the moral/ethical part differently (or not at all), and there are underlying motivations. The vast majority of people want (and have a strong need) to be socially acceptable, and have an intrinsic moral framework that precludes this profession.

 

People don't simply select 'prostitute' from a list of career possibilities like you'd choose accounting or nursing. There is a pull, something about it connects with their sense of identity and makes it irresistible. This is why she couldn't take the profiles down.

Edited July 21, 2019 by salparadise

[Curiousroxy86]

At first I was like sal and lucky about the profile thing but she already communicated her boundary on the profile situation and he agreed. He shouldn’t have agreed to an exclusive relationship with her when she communicated her stipulation.

 

After he broke up with you the first time you should have realized it wasn’t going to work. Second breakup you should have ignored him for good.

 

If not taking down the profiles yet was really that important to you and he had such a reaction to the point of ending the relationship well that told you exactly what you needed to know and was skeptical about in the first place. You kept those profiles in case it didn’t work out. Well It didn’t the first breakup and multiples afterwards.

 

I think you should let him go. He is not happy with you. He obviously does not agree with those profiles. Your keeping them up. Let him go. Unless your willing to take them down to try to keep him. If not then let him go. And even if you take down those profiles he more than likely will still breakup with you for “other things” which you didn’t mention. A person breaking up with you multiple times should be a deal breaker for you anyway.

 

So let the boy go. Going forward if you really trying to get out of that lifestyle then do what you gotta do. If your going to date while in it then the next guy either accepts your lifestyle or you don’t date him or you don’t date at all while still in it or trying to hold on to some aspect of it and just wait till your out of it completely before trying to date again.

 

Goodluck

[preraph]

 

People don't simply select 'prostitute' from a list of career possibilities like you'd choose accounting or nursing. There is a pull, something about it connects with their sense of identity and makes it irresistible. This is why she couldn't take the profiles down.

 

All of what you said, plus her other sticking point is she's complained even though he is supporting her, it's not the level of money she wanted, and this plays a huge part as well. Sex workers are mercenary. They could choose to do anything else with their lives and support the kids, like millions of others manage to do, but they are more mercenary than the ordinary person, plus what you were saying about being invested in the lifestyle, that becomes their power, in their minds. When a lot of sex workers start out, there is often grooming telling them they have the power over men, which depending on their background, can be addictive; and if they fall for that, then they are mystified when something like this doesn't work out.

[elaine567]

I believe jobs like accounting and nursing are not available to some people and never will be available. They do what they have to do to survive.

The bf tried to cut off her only source of income then dumped her and she went back to where the money is, it is not "cheating", it is her occupation. The OP has a child, she did what she had to do.

 

The bf just took on more than he could chew in reality.

[spiderowl]

I can understand both your points of view. You said you would give up sex work and leave your profiles up for a month, but you kept them up for longer. He said he would support you.

 

Problem is, you didn't trust him to support you. When you didn't keep to your part of the bargain, he stopped trusting you.

 

Thinking about this, although he was offering to support you - which sounds good - in practice, it was taking your power away. As a sex worker, you have the power to make a lot of money when you need to. It would be hard to give up that option and hand over power over your financial fate to your partner. Of course, you could get a different job, but with a child to look after I know that is not the easy option it might seem. I suspect you did not want to give away your freedom. He wanted more control over you so he could trust you.

 

I don't think this guy is going to be right for you. He can't understand you and where you are coming from. He cannot understand your insecurity as he feels he is offering security. I feel unless you both make a huge effort to understand each other, this cannot work. Trust is not easily regained.

[serial muse]

I dunno, it sounds to me like he wasn't offering the OP security at all, and that's clearly what she wanted from him. He broke up with her a bunch of times over an issue that is at best a gray area. That's the opposite of security, and it makes perfect sense to me that she'd want to be sure she can pay her bills and support her son, particularly as the BF was the one to cut things off repeatedly.

 

Breaking up with somebody in order to get them to do what you want is controlling behavior, OP. That is a big red flag.

 

I get that he wants you to quit cold-turkey, but that's not the agreement you came to. You apparently had an agreement over you taking the profiles down at some unspecified point, and this was a condition of you agreeing to date him. Not establishing a firm boundary on when exactly that to happen for the relationship to continue was clearly a mistake, on both sides. But that's water under the bridge at this point.

 

Now, the issue is that you went into it fearing that he wouldn't stick around, which is why you kept the profiles up. And he fulfilled that fear by not sticking around. So you went back to work.

 

His fear, on the other hand, was that you'd never quit the life. And you fulfilled that fear, because you did go back to work. (Which I'm not judging you for, I think you had good reason to do so. Your kid is the number one priority here.)

 

Standoff. I don't think there's a way through here. Someone has to trust, and neither of you seems willing to do so. Which, honestly, I can understand. It's a lot to ask on either side.

Edited July 23, 2019 by serial muse

[thefooloftheyear]

Not that many guys would even consider a woman that admitted she was once a prostitute, let alone one that is still active...

 

To think he'd be ok with the OP "weaning off of it". is naïve and unrealistic...TBH, even a cold turkey approach of ending the life would have had a variety of pitfalls for most...

 

My suggestion to the OP is that if this is the life she wants(and I am not judging), then its probably best not to attempt to enter into a relationship, while still in it.....It presents a mine field of problems..

 

TFY

[salparadise]

Thinking about this, although he was offering to support you - which sounds good - in practice, it was taking your power away. As a sex worker, you have the power to make a lot of money when you need to.

 

I agree that it's about power, and the money undoubtedly factors in there too. But, there's another kind of power that fulfills an unconscious emotional need that makes it impossible to give up, even when someone offers to take the money out of the equation. It's the power to control and subjugate. As a 'sex worker' she names the terms and the men comply. They may be willing to pay her more than they can afford, risk their wives and families, the clandestine, illicit nature –– like the power of affairs. It's not unlike the power, risk and thrill that compels some people become policemen, drug dealers, mafia, or politicians. Only in this case the power is directly connected to sexual identity, and the illicit nature of the lifestyle.

 

This guy was offering her an out, but she was conflicted. She wanted both, which of course wasn't possible. Ultimately she sabotaged (subconsciously rejected) by not being willing to commit, not even temporarily to see how it would go. I'm still not buying the implication that taking down the profiles would've obviated going back to it if things didn't work out. What she wanted was for him to be fully committed while she kept her options open in a visible way that was humiliating and required him to capitulate in terms of who held the power.

Edited July 27, 2019 by salparadise

[NomiMalone]

rci15, I'd never stay with a guy who breaks up with me 3 times, let alone quit my job for him! There's something dysfunctional about the relationship and you're better off letting him go.

 

You've received some very wise advice on this thread.

 

To put it plainly, you can either choose to pursue escorting, or a healthy relationship with a quality man. You'll never be able to have both at the same time. Like a few of the others have advised, no decent person would date an escort (or even someone who used to be an escort).

 

There's much to be said for pursing a normal, vanilla profession/life outside of the adult industry - such as living without stigma, not having to lie or sneak around, not having to be afraid of the question "what do you do for work?", being able to rent property, and get a loan without difficulty etc, having a normal, mainstream social life.

 

In any case, escorting isn't something you can do forever, and so you'll need to form an exit strategy somehow. Sometimes when and how you exit that line of work isn't up to you, so it'll be wise to have another line of work to fall into for when the time comes.

 

Wishing you all the best xx

[Maddie82]

I can honestly say i cant blame him. He wanted a committed relationship with you but you couldn't completely let go of your sex job. He saw this as you not being committed to him and he's right because you weren't. This in turn caused the issues between you. I honestly don't agree with your job, especially when you have a child. It elicits all kinds of danger. There are other respectable jobs that wont put your child in danger.

[Caauug]

I believe jobs like accounting and nursing are not available to some people and never will be available. They do what they have to do to survive.

The bf tried to cut off her only source of income then dumped her and she went back to where the money is, it is not "cheating", it is her occupation. The OP has a child, she did what she had to do.

 

The bf just took on more than he could chew in reality.

 

Agree!!! Who would completely ditch a career they were supporting themselves and a child with for someone they were dating and a promise? Give up a sure thing for a big maybe?

 

 

Lots of good ideas on this thread...

 

 

I know a bloke that once dated a skimpy and she also did side veggie shows etc. He was happy with her occupation. He gave her a set of "Bolt-ons" for her birthday. The relationship lasted a few years until she started using drugs. I don't know how he did it.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

IMO you can't mix work with pleasure.

 

 

In other words it's a big mistake to get into a relationship with someone from work, no matter what the industry.

 

 

It just causes a whole pile of problems. Which is why GPs don't get involved with patients etc. etc.

 

 

I can't see this working.

 

 

Sorry x