Good bad guy.

[Wunderlust]

Hello all,

 

I am not expecting good responses from what I am about to disclose, but for the greater good, the positive and negative feedback can only better me as a person, so all the responses I get cannot be any worse than the hurt I put on myself from it.

 

I have been married for nearly 10 years and with my partner in total for a bit longer than that, she is a great woman, beautiful, caring, kind, trusting and loyal. I on the other hand, have not been so great, I do love her more than anything, have been caring and kind, I protect her, I can’t imagine being without her. But I made decisions I suspect were driven by my own insecurities and according to a therapist, upbringing (not trying to find excuses). In turn I abused that trust that she had in me to the greatest extent. And now, everyday at somepoint, it attacks me.

 

The brutal fact is and this as my admission of guilt, is in the many years I have been with her I have slept with 6 different women and kissed many others on different occasions, nights out and such and also flirted/sexted with some, fortunately my wife has no knowledge of this and not suffered any hurt whatsoever from my sickening actions, because she has never found out and I hope she never will.

 

It was the last episode that really hit home to me and I feel has messed me up long term, it was with my wife’s best friends sister, she was invited to our house party and after many drinks we exchanged Snapchat usernames, the next day we started messaging and that’s ultimately when things heated up, she had just broken up with her boyfriend of many years and maybe was on the rebound although she says she wasn’t, I told her that I was unhappy in my relationship and was planning to break it off with my wife, when I was in reality confused. The sex life was the only thing I was not content with.

 

But this girl was flattering, intensely. She admitted it was love at first sight when she first caught eyes on me months previously, we exchanged flirty and dirty photos and met on occasion going places, just kissing, but after about a month an expensive hotel was booked and we engaged in the most passionate and loving acts either of us have ever experienced. It felt right, and I didn’t think about my wife for a minute. In my mind I was single.

 

This went on for some time, 13 months to be precise, sneaking around, meeting in places in our cars.. we were addicted to having sex with each other and would literally do it everywhere we could, it was intense. We even went on a break together and flew to Amsterdam, where.. she fell pregnant with my child. She said before boarding the plane back that she hoped she was pregnant, she was infatuated by me.

 

But this couldn’t happen, for either of us. For starters, my wife cannot conceive due to complications, so imagine the utter heartbreak of her finding out that her husband that she loved and cared for so much and didn’t suspect any foul play with, had got her best friends sister pregnant. What a complete pig of a guy, and don’t I know it. Whilst all this was happening, I had no deep physical contact with my wife, hugs and kisses that was about all, it started to get more and more like a friendship than husband and wife.

 

But this got dark and became the most messed up thing ever. My emotions were stirred and I had the opportunity of becoming a father at the age of 38, I was ready. It was natural and wouldn’t of had the complications of IVF which I would have had to go through with my wife. But, for the sake of things it couldn’t happen, not this way, I could not hurt my wife like that, although it may not seem like it. I also could not hurt the girl I was having the affair with (lets call her ‘K’), she was besotted with me and we were in love.

 

To make this worse, my wife told me from the very start of our relationship, in tears.. that she couldn’t conceive and I said it would never be a problem between us. She expects one day that I will run away with a younger model… in joke. But in all seriousness, that was nearly the reality.

 

The pregnancy was terminated, we were both ok about it because of the potential damage it would cause, but eventually that made things a little rocky at times with ‘K’, especially if she was out with friends and had some alcohol. She would flip and become horrible to me. Understandably.

By this point ‘K’ was living in a different city, which I had helped her to move to, all of these excursions were never suspicious for my wife as I work away for long periods of time anyway, I was literally leading a double life. I would visit her frequently whilst lying to my wife saying I was on a course with work, but the truth of it was I was with ‘K’ spending sentimental moments with her, expensive meals, buying each other gifts and loving it. She even said we were like BF and GF, she was right. It felt good.

 

Yet all this time, my poor wife was getting on with her life as normal, being a good person and probably missing me being around. I feel horrible for that.

 

‘K’s closest friends and her cousin knew about the affair, they were always asking her if I had left my wife yet.. it was always a no.. but soon, eventually I think this was the motive behind the split, peer pressure. We spent one last night together on her 30th birthday in a really expensive hotel and the month after she became uncommunicative. She cited that she felt like it wasn’t healthy what she was going through with me and had to do what was best for her. I couldn’t disagree, but I didn’t want to be without her.

 

She cut me off, her life was on hold for me, she already made a sacrifice with the pregnancy, enough was enough. But as much as I tried to break up with my wife with it being the morally right thing to do.. I couldn’t. I can’t just throw her away like a piece of trash, she is worth 1000 times that. I had a choice.. and I chose my wife.

 

But I was deeply in love with ‘K’ by this point and I got utterly broken hearted when she broke away, I cried my eyes out for days and I deserved it. This was karma for the betrayal coming back at me, a Tyson uppercut to the chin, but yet to this day 2 years on, even for just 10 minutes. I think about ‘K’ and miss her and the way she made me feel. I’ve never felt that way with anyone before and I guess it’s unsettled me a lot.

 

What confuses me is that with all the love for my wife that I do have, and that I can’t break from her, I still find myself tempted by others, seeking that same excitement and feeling, occasionally flirting but never going further than that. As if I had not learned my lesson the first time.

 

I feel like in some ways she may have been the one and we just met at the wrong time. But then I think of some of her bad bits, the arguments, they are something I would never have suffered with my wife who is by all accounts a gem, we never argue about anything.

 

As previously mentioned, I seen a therapist and opened up about it, I disclosed everything, the therapist after several sessions said it seems like I may have a condition called DPD, Dependent Personality Disorder due to a dysfunctional upbringing from acts by my mother. All the symptoms seem to verify that.

 

Maybe it is that, or maybe I am just seeking something I don’t get at home, a thrillseeker, a pig, egomaniac… I don’t know. I’m not looking for excuses, I know I did wrong and I now live with it every, single, day. In the meantime, I have lost complete interest in passionate activities with my wife, but love her more everyday. Talk about messed up right?

 

Looking forward to hearing the responses, advice. It feels good to open up. I just want to be a good person again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I had a choice.. and I chose my wife.

 

Well, eventually you did. After many years of not choosing her.

 

You like attention. You like you ego stroked. You like the feeling that "new love" brings.....you being desired, lusted after, etc. This is not what marriage is about, though. Even if you were with K, these things would fade.

 

If you continue to want those things, you should leave your wife to find someone who understands what marital commitment really is.

[Wunderlust]

Well, eventually you did. After many years of not choosing her.

 

You like attention. You like you ego stroked. You like the feeling that "new love" brings.....you being desired, lusted after, etc. This is not what marriage is about, though. Even if you were with K, these things would fade.

 

If you continue to want those things, you should leave your wife to find someone who understands what marital commitment really is.

 

Thanks for your input, I think you are right also..

[spiritedaway2003]

See my responses in italics below.

 

I do love her more than anything, have been caring and kind, I protect her...

You are not really protecting your wife. You made her think everything is fine when everything isn't.

 

The sex life was the only thing I was not content with.

So you were unhappy...did you ever talk to your wife about it?

 

She would flip and become horrible to me. Understandably.

Of course, who wouldn't? You've hurt her. She has to grieve over the loss of her child. You could have been a Dad. These are life-changing decisions. She's going to have to live with that decision for the rest of her life.

 

She cut me off, her life was on hold for me, she already made a sacrifice with the pregnancy, enough was enough.

As she should. You chose your wife and not the OW. The selfish thing would be to string her along.

 

As much as I tried to break up with my wife with it being the morally right thing to do.. I couldn’t. I can’t just throw her away like a piece of trash, she is worth 1000 times that.

I'm not sure if you're just being narcissistic here. You're not throwing her away like a piece of trash. It's the other way around, because your behaviors (repeated infidelities) have not been kind to the one person whom you supposedly love.

 

But I was deeply in love with ‘K’ by this point and I got utterly broken hearted when she broke away, I cried my eyes out for days and I deserved it.

Intense love is what got most of us here. Breaking off with someone whom you love (or deeply in love) hurts a lot. It's tough.

 

I think about ‘K’ and miss her and the way she made me feel. I’ve never felt that way with anyone before and I guess it’s unsettled me a lot.

How do you know it's not an infatuation just like the others? How do you know it won't get boring with K after the newness, excitement and intensity die down?

 

As if I had not learned my lesson the first time.

If you slept with at least 6 different people, I say you haven't learned your lesson yet. I hope you spend some real time with therapy to really understand your own behaviors.

 

I feel like in some ways she may have been the one and we just met at the wrong time.

Still pining for K?

 

But then I think of some of her bad bits, the arguments,

If it's about the pregnancy, can you blame her? She lost a child. That grieving process is real.

 

They are something I would never have suffered with my wife who is by all accounts a gem, we never argue about anything.

No argument <> No problems in your marriage. It seems like there are.

 

In the meantime, I have lost complete interest in passionate activities with my wife, but love her more everyday.

Why? Do you think your guilt play into this?

 

Looking forward to hearing the responses, advice. It feels good to open up. I just want to be a good person again.

 

Good isn't the right adjective here. Have you thought about telling your wife the truth? Instead of just staying the course when you're clearly unhappy, or rather just breaking up without telling her the truth, have you thought about actually owning up the choices you made? On some level, you probably know that's probably the right thing to do. It won't be pretty, but don't you think you owe it to your wife to let her decide if she still wants to stay with you after putting her through the web of lies and illusion?

 

I don't envy your position, but I appreciate your honesty. I wish you the best of luck.

[Wunderlust]

 

I don't envy your position, but I appreciate your honesty. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thank you. Harsh truths, but I know I failed myself and her. Appreciate the time you took to respond.