Grandparents are racist towards the idea of my Husband and I having a mix baby

[Alwaysthinkofme]

My Husband and I are planning to use IUI to conceive a baby. I am hesitant to have a baby, who will be half Chinese/White. (Not because I am ashamed!) My Family who though I love, can be very difficult to deal with in terms of how they behave. (Grandparents) They crack racist Asain jokes all the time, even though I have expressed being against it. I've asked them to stop on countless occasions and now I stay silent, not acknowledging it hoping it dies off. Jokes like clapping their hands and saying "donger" taking English words that sound like Asain names (insult wise). I have expressed that I will not bring my future child around them if they do this. They swear they won't, but they crack jokes about what I will name the baby and pull the same routine. "Maybe you can name your baby (insert racist name) in English." They treat my Aunt's kid (Same age, their Daughter.) With respect, never call her names or make racist slurs but, recently they have said "We should teach her how to clap and say their name." Which I responded "No you wont..ever do that.."

 

1)How do I make them stop?

 

2) What if I can never bring them around my future children or can never have a healthy relationship with them?

 

3) I would never leave my future children alone with them, but what if I can't even turn my back to get something from the kitchen?

 

4) What would you do?

[Beendaredonedat]

First I'd get pregnant

Then I'd hopefully carry to term

Then I'd birth the baby

Then I'd raise the baby.

 

I'd pay their childish antics no heed.

 

Bottom line: Stop worrying about the future, you've not even become pregnant yet. Cross the bridge when you actually come to it. You will know what to do when/if the time comes.

 

Good luck. Hope your IUI is successful.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

We are wanting to deal with this now, rather than later.

[Beendaredonedat]

You don't have a child yet, you don't know how they will act with your child should you have one so to be worried about it now, is a waste of good worrying time. (if there is such a thing )

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Babies change everything.

 

I have a good friend who is white and her father used to be a huge racist. Had a fit when she got pregnant by and married a black guy. (Didn't really help that she was a teenager). Guess who is no longer racist, 4 mixed granddaughters later, AND loves his son-in-law (who is awesome)? The extended families even do things together all the time. I love attending their family functions (i.e. baby shower, etc.) because of all the happy diversity.

 

I think you can simply tell your parents that you will not bring the baby around if they aren't going to treat everyone with respect. You only need to say that once and then follow up with actions.

[preraph]

They'll be fine with the baby. I wouldn't expect them to stop teasing you, however.

[schlumpy]

They treat my Aunt's kid (Same age, their Daughter.) With respect, never call her names or make racist slurs but, recently they have said "We should teach her how to clap and say their name." Which I responded "No you wont..ever do that.."

 

I only have own family dynamics to go on but what's happening to you sounds fairly normal and to be frank you are making worse. I doubt very much that the ethnic jokes your family is spewing are so funny everyone is in hysterics. What has them laughing is your reaction to it.

 

They are having fun pushing your button. The more you object, the more you plead and the more you accuse them of the dastardly crime of racism is just that much more reason to pour it on.

 

If you're looking for understanding and cultural sensitivity the last place you find it is among family members.

 

I understand this is broad brush and that many of you come from families where speaking softly, unconditional love and forgiveness and tolerance is the watchword.

 

I can't claim the same background.

 

So I wish you luck in changing human nature but I think your child will be loved and cared for about just as much as any other in this world especially when they already have such a fierce and loyal advocate on their side in you.

 

Best Wishes

[Alwaysthinkofme]

I don't react to it, other than telling them to stop because it comes off trashy. They just do it, because my Husband is Asain. They are racist and have been for a long time. It took many years for them to accept my Husband. Guess I see what some people are saying. Hopefully it will turn out for the better when that time comes. If not, then its just a relationship that might not happen. Though my Husband and I are greatly concerned about planning and my Family, maybe with time they will grow to accept it. I plan to speak with them tonight about my concerns. Thanks!

Edited July 20, 2019 by Alwaysthinkofme

[preraph]

How are they with everybody else's baby? I mean are they fauning grandparents or are they just kind of the normal amount of interest? Just gauge how they are with your baby compared to the others. Not all grandparents are all that invested in grandchildren.

 

If the time comes and they are acting unhappy about around the baby were they are ever rude to your husband's face, it's just up to you to change your behavior and not be around them as much.

 

but I bring up how they are with others because I don't want you to set an impossibly high bar they have to meet out of being sensitive to the situation.

[anika99]

I wouldn't allow my family to be so disrespectful of my spouse. I would be seriously limiting my time with them just for being disrespectful jerks even if there was no baby.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Always, I think you're making too big a deal of it.

 

I grew up with a brother who teased me mercilessly, and made fun of me, about my appearance. I can't ever recall my parents telling him not to do so. And my dad teased me. My mom never teased, she was also not a warm type of person as my dad was. He was just fun loving!

 

IMO, the current culture we live in is overly sensitive. People are so focused on themselves and how others treat them rather than focusing on others. You, me, everyone, are never going to be treated how we'd like to be in a perfect world so it's good for a child to grow up learning to roll with the punches, IMO.

[Gaeta]

There's teasing and there's being racist and vulgar and I think your family is racist and vulgar.

 

 

 

I would have asked them to stop ONCE and if the behavior didn't stop I'd cut my tie with them and explained they can call me when they're ready to respect my husband's culture.

 

 

 

I'm not uptight, my boyfriend is black and my family will throw a couple of black jokes at him but it's NEVER vulgar and never meant to laugh at him but laugh with him.

 

 

 

I don't know why you endure this. When you ask for respect and it's not delivered then you don't sit around ignoring it, you get up and leave.

[whichwayisup]

You tell them if they can't support you and your husband having a child then they won't be in your life. As painful as that will be it might wake them up and realize that the colour of their grandchilds skin doesn't matter at all.

 

Sorry that they've put you both in a situation like this. Shame on them.

[major_merrick]

1. You can't

2&3 - Do your thing and leave them out of it.

4. See above.

 

 

Parents and grandparents can be a real problem in relationships. My grandfather hated me because I'm half Russian. He fought on the Eastern Front in WW2 and to him Russians were evil. So there's even prejudice among white people as to "what kind" of white you are. Human nature. My in-laws don't accept me either. I don't fit gender, family and culture stereotypes from the 1950's. And father-in-law dislikes Russians. They accepted wife #1 and wife #2, but when I came along that was too much I guess.

 

At a certain point, you just do your thing and tell those who don't like it that they can go jump in a lake. If that means cutting them out of your life because they won't behave, then you do that. Life is too short to put up with people who dislike you or dislike how you live. If people really love you, they will learn after a while to shut up about the things they don't approve of, because that's what's necessary to have a relationship. My in-laws have had to make themselves tolerable. My husband has made it clear that he loves his four wives the same - even me, the Russian one. He's made it clear that his parents need to be grandparents to ALL his kids, not just the favorites.

 

 

One thing I've found about life is that if you're decent and want relationships with people, when you have to cut people out of your life who won't behave you end up receiving more people into your life who will actually love you. My parents and grandparents were terrible - instead I've got elders in my community who care about me and can give me advice. My sister went nuts, but I now have my husband's other wives who are like sisters and girlfriends to me. I never thought I'd have kids, but now I have three of my own and a dozen others around me to care for. I guess the lesson of life out of all that mess is that you don't have to be afraid to be yourself.

[The Outlaw]

That's none of their business anyway, and you can't change the way the think, feel or act. You have the right to be concerned, but only time will tell.

[Rayce]

I am so sorry your going through this. I hope you won't let this stop you from having your own family... and your own traditions. Maybe one day they will see the errors of their ways and change but please don't let them hold you back. It will be there lost if they can't love their own.

[D0nna]

You are adult and married now! They know what they are doing! You told them enough times also! Go be happy with your man! Drop them! Allow those who respect your mans background only! But your man is Chinese, sent you go true that when they knew this? You should have drop them then already!

[D0nna]

Always, I think you're making too big a deal of it.

 

I grew up with a brother who teased me mercilessly, and made fun of me, about my appearance. I can't ever recall my parents telling him not to do so. And my dad teased me. My mom never teased, she was also not a warm type of person as my dad was. He was just fun loving!

 

IMO, the current culture we live in is overly sensitive. People are so focused on themselves and how others treat them rather than focusing on others. You, me, everyone, are never going to be treated how we'd like to be in a perfect world so it's good for a child to grow up learning to roll with the punches, IMO.

 

Uhmmmm this is racism!!! Not just a family teasing you.

[siren8272]

Sadly you will probably need to put your foot down they stop the "jokes" or you cut ties. I know this is hard for some, but often this is the only way. I know everyone is different , but ive been told im mean. I cut off contact with my mom TWO YEARS...so maybe im different.

[GrateHelx]

That's none of their business anyway, and you can't change the way the think, feel or act. You have the right to be concerned, but only time will tell.

 

That’s true! It sucks that her own family is like this

[JS84]

You don't bring the kids anywhere near people like them. Grandparents or otherwise. That's what you do. You protect them from toxic relationships, especially racist ones, as their parents and help teach them how to deal with the ones you can't protect them from.

 

Maybe I'm just a bit cold not having mine around anymore but I'm not sure what the issue is. Grandparents die. If they can't get their **** together before they do then that's on them, not on you and definitely not your children. They're not going to be around forever.

 

If that was how my grandparents were talking about my future child there wouldn't even be an issue. They just wouldn't be in their lives. Period. No dilemma.