Should have known better, should have ended it a long time ago....

[Shock2019]

First I would like to say hello everyone, I've been reading on this forum for many years but never posted or created an account.

 

 

Unfortunately I am here for the same reason as many, I got involved with a MM roughly 6 years ago. I was newly separated at the time we met (about 5 months on my own) Initially it started as a friendship (we met at the grocery store, we both did early morning shopping and ran into one another ofte )and then evolved into much more over time. A little over a year ago MM began stating he was ending his M ( I never asked him to end M, never pressured, or manipulated him) He just felt it was what needed to be done for various reasons. A little more background, there were a handful of DDays on his end, no demands to do anything other than end the relationship with me from the W (no counseling, monitoring, etc) and so the A continued on. I am not proud of this just stating facts. He has 2 children and I do as well. I work and support myself and get along and co-parent well with my ExH. MM W is a SAMH and he "travels" often for work - I put that in quotes because he actually on has to be in the office out of town 1 day a week, W believes here is there M-F and he is actually with me Sunday night until Thursday afternoon. He is able to do his job essentially from anywhere in the US as long as he has an office type set up. He would leave town to the main office and return back to his family Friday evenings and then repeat the same schedule again and again.

 

 

So back to the reason for the post here. I suppose when MM began talk of ending his M I began to believe there was hope for a future together (I believe I had hope prior but very little) You may ask why did I continue if I felt there was little hope prior, I believe the relationship worked for me at that time (selfish I know) I had just gone through a D, have 2 children, work FT, etc etc. I just didn't feel the pressures of a "normal" relationship and was happy to not have to navigate dating as a single mom after all the horror stories I'd heard from other moms.

 

 

Things were going along as usual and then just after New Year's MM abruptly stated we needed to end the A. He said he just could not see how it was going to work. This came as a complete shock because his behavior had been no different leading up to the breakup. I asked if the reason for the breakup was due to him feeling he to re-invest himself in his M and make that work and he said no. We went complete NC and I have not spoken to him since that day ( it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do ) I have struggled with the why's like many here. I have wondered if he really felt the love and care he professed so often. I have been sad, angry, and every emotion in between. Recently I felt I was beginning to be in a much better place and coming to terms with everything. Then a week ago a mutual friend unknowingly shared information about MM and W. Said they had moved a few months ago ( into a neighborhood with 500,000 + homes ) and they just returned from 2 week trip to several Hawaiian islands. I felt physically sick. The friend has no idea MM and I were involved, she was just saying they must be doing well in life to have purchased the home then take a "dream vacation" like that. Basically they are the envy of the area right now.

 

 

It is hard for me to process the way MM changed his mindset so abruptly and invest so heavily into a M he said he was ending just at the beginning of the year. As I said previously, I was doing ok and healing then my friend mentioned the new house and the nice vacation and it just set me so far back. I feel like I am here trying to work on myself, and heal my broken heart and make better choices for myself and my children and MM is living happily ever after with the W. I know that's what should happen after all they are married, but it hurts. I feel so used and insignificant, that ending our A didn't have any effect on him at all if he is able to just jump back into his M with that much investment. During our A he told me I had become his closest friend, he loved me and was in love with me, that he could not imagine a lifetime without us together. It is just difficult to process and I am just venting and putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Thank you to all who take the time to read.

[AutumnMoon]

Thinking of you.

You aren’t alone.

[HowToQuit]

I can see how devastating this feels... unlike myself, who only saw exMM here and there couple of times a month, you seemed to almost have built a life with him - Sunday to Thursday every week as a hell of a lot of time to spend together..

 

I admire your strength for maintaining NC for so many months now... I know it hurts but this seems to be the only medicine that works. Big hugs...

[Turning point]

It seems this guy had a certain kind of personality, and he's pretty good at making himself comfortable.

 

May I ask:

 

Who managed or paid for his Sun-Thurs "office" space?

Who took care of his kids Sun-Thurs?

On Fri-Sun did he do work around the house or just FUN stuff with his family?

 

You said this affair "worked for you" in your situation, but I also think the situation "worked" for the MM in a very specific way. I don't know if it help's healing or not - but, the biggest part of the grief here is the insecurity that comes from being taken by a con-artist. It doesn't matter whether they steal our money or our sense-of-self, we feel it intensely when the mask slips and realize it was all a fraud perpetrated upon us.

[BaileyB]

Is it possible that he has met someone else? That would certainly explain why he ended this so abruptly and not because he was “working on his marriage.”

 

I can’t quite believe why you would accept this man into your home for half a week, and how his wife didn’t know what was happening... especially considering they have had multiple d-days, as you state. I mean, this guy had literally set up house with two women - was leading two separate lives for years. Craziness!!

[BaileyB]

The biggest part of the grief here is the insecurity that comes from being taken by a con-artist. It doesn't matter whether they steal our money or our sense-of-self, we feel it intensely when the mask slips and realize it was all a fraud perpetrated upon us.

 

BINGO!

 

Did your children know this man? How did you explain his presence during the week and his absence on the weekends...

[Shock2019]

@AutumnMoon, thank you...

[Turning point]

It sounds like you'll be okay.

You have the means to do what you avoided doing when you met this man - which was to start over. This time - don't do anything half way.

You got this now.

[Shock2019]

@HowToQuit, I did feel like we had built a life together, especially the previous year. I feel so angry at myself knowing how this story ends for most others involved in this type of relationship. It has been difficult to maintain NC (he called and texted several times) I ignored and didn't reply. My thinking was if he was wanting to resume the relationship he knew where I lived, he could come have a face to face conversation if that is what he truly wanted. Eventually I blocked his number and all social media, I realized I was anticipating/hoping for him to communicate with me in some way and the constant checking of my phone and social media wasn't helping me to move forward. I had also read on here that many MM will do that and expect less and less and I just wasn't going to put myself through additional unnecessary pain.

[preraph]

They say they're leaving their wives sometimes just to feel like they have that option and then mostly to keep you on the string.

 

The thing you have to realize is that for a lot of women finding one man to be with is their dream. To a whole lot of men, their dream is the more sex partners and sometimes companions they can keep at the same time, the merrier. He wasn't looking to pare it down to one.

 

Sounds like he just got tired of the affair after the new wore off, really. Love? Nah. If you love someone, whether it's you or the wife, the last thing you want to do is hurt them and anyone with common sense knows cheating hurts them. He probably did enjoy the friendship and the sex. Men are more in love with sex, a lot of them. Women are in love with love mostly.

 

Your best option is to just move on with your life and live it well and put him behind you.

[Shock2019]

@TurningPoint, sorry I missed responding to your post about his "office space" etc.

The company he worked for provided all the necessary equipment and paid for the expenses related to the work he did remotely, even his internet (he had an aircard) I have a 4 bedroom home so the 4th room is used as an office/workspace for the kids to do homework so he went in there a lot to set up his laptop etc. His W took care of the kids while he was away. He did do work around the house when he was home, cooked meals, spend time with his kids, did the grocery shopping, maintained yard and cars. He also did fun stuff with the kids so W could spend time without the kids. When he was with me he would cook, clean, grocery shop, etc all the same type of things.

 

 

It did work for MM or the relationship would have ended long ago. I think if he took anything from me it was definitely my sense of self, but I certainly allowed it to happen.

[PhoenixRising8]

The whys and wherefores of why he walked away abruptly don't matter. It won't change anything knowing. Even if you had the chance to ask him, how could you be sure he was telling the truth?

 

Your xMM sounds a lot like mine. Although he didn't spend half the week with me, he did spend at least 1 overnight per week. We saw each other 3-6 times a week, plus calls and text literally morning noon and night. He didn't want to work on his marriage. He was leaving it ... eventually. Yeah right. While we had no D days, he did tell her that he wanted a divorce. He told the kids. He told the BFFs. And then he didn't. BS asked him numerous times if there was someone else, which he denied, of course. She told him she would forgive him if there was. She told him that her father had an affair and her parents worked through it, so they could too.

 

After several months of his deferrals, I booked a trip away over Christmas/New Years. I needed space and he was going to be with his family anyway. I figured all that togetherness would make or break us. Slowly over the next few months, it broke us. I had already started to wonder from November if this was going anywhere after I read the letter his BS sent him for his birthday. He had felt neglected and marginalized for years, hence the affair. This letter showed she cared, in whatever shape or form that was. Your BS and MM had D days but she never threw him out. She showed she was willing to work through it. So I think the long and the short of it is, regardless of whether he was happier with you, loved you more, he has a lot invested in his marriage and the cost of walking away from the M is greater than the cost of walking away from you. It really is that simple. There is no guarantee that your relationship would be better in the long haul than what he has now, so why risk it?

 

In retrospect, like me, you will realize you dodged a massive bullet. What have you lost really? A man who can lie, deceive, manipulate the woman he vowed to honour , cherish and respect until death do they part. While he was doing that to BS, he was doing the same to you. Lying he was ending his M at the very least. If he can't deal with his marital issues without resorting to an affair, what makes you think you wouldn't get the same when you hit a snag in the relationship? He is no prize ... if BS doesn't see it, that's her issue. You deserve better. We all do.

Edited July 21, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Shock2019]

@ BaileyB, I have wondered if he found/met someone new. It is certainly a possibility. It does not appear he is ending his M given the recent information that was shared with me, and I saw photos of the family in front of the new home and on the island vacation so it is confirmed that he is still investing in the M. I am certainly not proud of how the relationship started and that it was an A. Initially he did not stay with me Sun-Thurs - I'd say we became good/close friends the first year and then it evolved from there. The second yr he stayed a couple of nights a week (when the kids weren't with me) He would stay with a friend close by or schedule meetings out of town. Then it went from there until it was more and more. He did not meet my children until almost 4 yrs in and did not stay overnight with them there until the last year.

 

 

It is craziness, I asked how A was discovered by W when he had the DDays and some was his behavior at home creating suspicion then looking into the phone records. Someone W knew saw us together another time. He felt W was only there for financial reasons, stability, etc. He provided a nice comfortable life and she didn't have to work. He said she just told him to stop but there was no request for counseling, no asking to look at the phone, passwords, etc. All the things you would expect a BS to request when something like an A is discovered. That being said I only have his version of the story...

[Shock2019]

@ BaileyB, My children did come to know him. My ExH and I share 50/50 custody so they didn't think it was unusual if he wasn't there on the weekends that they were with me. There were several weekends and holidays he did spend with us, I am not sure how he managed that on the home front. I asked and he just said he worked it out.

[LIRR88]

I’m sorry, but yes you’re not alone. Those first few days, weeks, months are hell, but I promise it gets better. Work on yourself, focus on your kids, go out with friends, hit the gym, keep moving forward no matter what. In time you will realize that you did dodge a bullet and that you deserve a lot better.

[Shock2019]

@LilKitKat, thank you for your response. I have read your posts and I know exactly what you are feeling. It's such a hard place to be. You are right, she caught him several times and accepted the behavior without saying much about and went on as normal. They have been M just over 20yrs and I'm sure there is a lot of security in that, you may not be "happy" but you know what to expect and sometimes that feels "safe", plus his children are there, all the assets that have been accumulated over the years, and shared history. It is a lot to walk away from for the less known - yes we loved each other and were very close and got along well but would it always be that way - there is no guarantee.

 

 

I do feel I dodged a bullet, that is why I was insistent on maintaining NC. I did not want to get pulled back into a vicious push/pull cycle that I see happen so often when the A ends and AP reaches back out. If he ends the M and spent some time alone/reflecting on what led him to an A in the first place I would consider having a relationship. However, I will not wait for that to happen. I am living my life and if/when he does return I may or may not be available.

[BaileyB]

I do feel I dodged a bullet, that is why I was insistent on maintaining NC. I did not want to get pulled back into a vicious push/pull cycle that I see happen so often when the A ends and AP reaches back out.

 

You are a strong woman. I hope you are able to keep this conviction.

 

If he ends the M and spent some time alone/reflecting on what led him to an A in the first place I would consider having a relationship.

 

I sincerely hope you reconsider. Why would you ever want a man who could do this to a woman - not only have an extramarital affair with another woman, but literaly start another life with her and lie to the BS the whole time... How could you ever trust a word that he says? When he goes on a business trip, how could you ever know if he is/is not on another woman’s bed?

 

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are - believe them. You KNOW exactly who this guy is - he is unfaithful, untrustworthy, dishonest, and he dumped you without an explanation or apparently, a second thought...

 

Please, consider what turning leaf suggested - do what you should have done years ago... this is your chance to start over. Do it right this time, there are no shortcuts and you can’t do anything halfway...

[Shock2019]

@BaileyB, I believe I will be able to maintain the NC. I’ve been at it for 7+ months and have him blocked in every way I know how.

 

You are right, I don’t believe if we were in a legitimate relationship I’d ever be able to trust him. I am enjoying figuring out my own life right now, I am happy but I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss the companionship, friendship, and intimacy if the relationship. It hurts to know he has someone (W) and that I’m alone. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, to be happy and hurt at the same time but that’s what I feel. When all is said and done I know the relationship was real from my side, I did love him, I did genuinely care for him, and considered him a close friend. If it was real from his end, I have no idea and will likely never know, he is the only one that truly know and like someone said in an earlier post even if I asked the whys and about his feelings he could easily lie. It is just not a good place to be in, I’m old enough to know better to get myself into this place. I’m angry at myself for making bad decisions and allowing them to go on for so long ( I compromised my beliefs by being in the A in the first place) I believe I put it out of my mind because there really was no “sneaking” around. His home life rarely came up in conversation so it was easy for me to ignore. That’s the part I have been working on is my part in this and why/how I allowed it to happen, continue, then get to this place.

[BaileyB]

I am enjoying figuring out my own life right now, I am happy but I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss the companionship, friendship, and intimacy if the relationship.

 

That’s the beautiful thing though... you can find all of this, with a man who sleeps in your bed every single night and with whom you don’t have to worry about who they are texting, travelling, having sex, and sleeping beside... Of course, you are not alone in wanting to feel the intimacy and comfort that a good relationship brings. Just remember, this MM is not the only man who can provide such feelings... Sometimes it feels like OW on this board get very stuck in their thinking that “he was the one” - the only one - who could provide what they wanted. As if somehow, it’s either all or none. That’s obviously not the case at all...

 

That’s the part I have been working on is my part in this and why/how I allowed it to happen, continue, then get to this place.

 

All good questions to be asking yourself. I believe you will learn from this and find yourself in a better place soon. You are already well on your way...

Edited July 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi shock. You seem like you have a good idea on how things need to go. Can I just confirm you’ve been NC for 7 months is that right? How do you think the changes in you have progressed from the beginning of NC?

[Shock2019]

Thank you everyone for your feedback and support, it feels good to “openly” talk about what has been happening. Relationships like this tend to be isolating. I still kept in touch with family/friends throughout the A. But I can’t share all the details with them like I do here. No one seems to understand unless you’ve lived it. Again a consequence to my own poor choices but the hurt is very real even if the relationship wasn’t.

 

BaileyB you are absolutely right, I can and do want to have that someday. A man who is only mine in every way. Thank you for reminding me that MM isn’t the only man that can provide love, comfort. And companionship and even better another man won’t be going home to a W on the weekends. I think I feel “stuck” in my feelings for him at times because there is no one else in my life in that way, and I think that is a healthy thing right now I need to heal so that I will be healthy for a genuine relationship. Thank you again fine the encouragement ?

 

Hi Beentheretoooften, You are correct it has been over 7 months since I last had contact with MM. Anything I’ve heard about him since we’ve ended has come from others - unknowingly mentioning information that rips me to pieces.

 

I would say when we initially ended I was jn disbelief, that lasted a couple of weeks then I moved into the sadness and grief stage that lasted a couple of months then I went to the angry stage that lasted a few weeks the the feels would be a mix of all of it for a while. Then MM attempted to make contact (which I completely ignored every single time) I fell like by not responding it gave me some of my strength back, I felt humiliated, hurt, confused etc when he ended things so abruptly. After spending that length of time together I felt he “owed” me at least a conversation but I am realizing now that he did me a favor. I guess all the negative feeling I had about the sudden end we’re softened a bit knowing he tried to reach out and he didn’t get what he wanted from me - guess I rejected him. Not that I’m playing games etc but it felt good to have some control over that. That’s why I’ve been so diligent about it I’ve read the pattern here over and over and I wanted to keep my sanity and my dignity. Not that I’m saying those that give in don’t have that because I KNOW how hard it is. In just knew that temporary relief would not be worth the long term hurt and talking to him.

 

I felt initially the ending was a gaping painful wound and slowly as the months have passed it has healed and scabbed over, sometimes the would gets bumped and bleeds and hurts but nothing like the initial injury. know that gradually the wound will completely heal and be a scar of life. Scars change you but they don’t have to take over your life, they just become part of your story. Never something I will completely forget but not something that will cause excruciating pain everyday either. So I’m getting there slowly but trying to heal my wound properly so the scar isn’t quite so large.

[Beentheretoooften]

@shock. Thank you for the meaningful response. 7 months is a long time. Congrats on that. A few general observations. MM has plenty of distractions to make it appear as if he just flipped a switch and moved on and never has a thought about you. Between kids, wife, work, house, friends, vacations, you name it. It all looks great. Not that what I’m going to say makes anything right or wrong. When he is alone in his thoughts, whether driving in his car, laying in his bed or whatever the case may be, there is zero doubt in my mind that he is thinking about you, that he misses you tremendously (they will come on and say he missed only the sex, but I disagree), and he will always think about you. Sometimes knowing that, could make you feel a little better in the short term. I know you'd read on why these secret relationships seem much more than are, and how if it turned into an open relationship there’s very little chance of it working out. You need to keep reminding yourself of this. You can’t ignore how you feel about it, but you also can’t exaggerate it. Acknowledge it at the time, and then try and change your thoughts. I’m glad you are 7 months removed, and I’m sure you know, the hardest part for you I believe is over. Keep reading and learning about what has happened, knowing you are not alone is a great piece of knowledge to have.

[Amethyst68]

I'm curious, what she are MM's kids? You mentioned him being involved with them on the one whole day he bothered to be with them too let his BW have some alone time, does that mean they're still young enough not to be left unsupervised? This is not a man who was involved in any way with his kids, he may have been involved with yours but he voluntarily left the majority of the week and spent it with another family. Of the 3 days he spent with them 2 of them were actually spent preparing to and actually traveling to and from locations. Did he actually bother spending time there for their special events?

 

Another thing you actually have no idea what happened in their house or relationship after the DDays. You know what MM has chosen to tell you and you've already said you did not discuss his marriage but chose to ignore it. Do not forget this man is a well practised liar after 6 years.

 

Honestly, I suspect his wife got fed up of his 'traveling' and issued an ultimatum, he wasn't ready to give up everything he would've done in a divorce. Although it would actually have given him more responsibilities if custody was 50/50.

 

You're doing so well at 7 months NC, please keep strong. When you're ready you'll find the right man for you, as said before one who's free to live you fully.

[NomiMalone]

Shock2019, I’m happy to hear that one of “us” OW has made it unwaveringly to 7 months stone cold NC! I’m not happy to hear of how things ended, and of the pain and grief of course, but happy that you’ve had the strength and tenacity to ignore and block the MM, and stick resolutely to it. Good on you! You should be proud of yourself for this.

 

You’ve given me hope that it IS possible to make it this far into NC without giving in (even though of course there will be good days and bad days), and that there is life after MM.

 

One day, when you least expect it, you’ll meet a wonderful single man who’ll sweep you off your feet and then become part of your life in every way.

 

Sending good wishes and hugs to you xx

[Shock2019]

@Beentheretoooften, 7 months is a long time, sometimes it feels like it’s been forever and other days it seems like it happened yesterday. It does sound like MM has plants of distractions. Im sure he thinks of me at times, I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some ways I want him to hurt the way I did/do but I know thinking that way isn’t helpful and go back to hoping he’s happy.