Sammie1438 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 I have been married to my husband for 25 years. He has never been a very attentive husband but I delt with it. The last year has been bad. He does not eat dinner with me and my daughter. He stays in the kitchen all night and paces around. My daughter had noticed a difference in him too. Very stressed out. He admitted he feels anxious and sad and does not know why. Also he is always high strung. He drinks energy drinks and coffee all the time. At night he will drink beer to calm down. He started counceling and antidepressant but I noticed he stopped taking the antidepressants. he said they make him to tired. I noticed he is back to being hyper and angry again. He has been telling me he will try to get better by spending more time with me and my daughter but then he is back to pacing the kitchen all night. It has been 6 months. My friend told me the only way he will change is if we have a separation. What is your take on this. I appreciate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 I would not end a 25 year marriage because of 6 difficult months. The way I see it your husband needs to see a doctor and tell the truth about his power drinks and alcohol habit. All these mixes might be bringning on his anxiety. Antidepressent shouldn't be mixed with alcohol and power drinks. If his antidepressant give him unpleasant side effects then doctors can change them. The question is 'is he willing to seek help'? All this can get better with professional helps, medical and phychological. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammie1438 Posted July 21, 2019 Author Share Posted July 21, 2019 The problem is he won't admit to his addiction. At times he says he will cut back and he does for just a few days. My friend said unless I separate he won't take me serious and fix the problem. He is very selfish right now. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 He's got some addictions he needs to deal with. I'm glad he went to a counselor, but if he's not going to follow up and let him/her adjust his meds, there's no point. Tell him there are a million drugs for that and combinations and that when one doesn't work, he just needs to let the doc know and try the next. Also, it takes varying times to adjust to new pschotropic drugs. Some work more or less instantly for short term, while others have to build up in your system for times even as long as a month or so. And often side effects change or go away so you have to give them a chance, but yes, do report all side effects, even tiredness, to the doctor. Don't let him just slide back into his addiction habits. He needs to get off all those caffeine drinks, that's for sure. They're not setting well with him. I'd be a nut case and have had a heart attack if I was doing what he's doing. I hope he's not sneaking around doing something more, like meth. Tell him he must keep seeing the doc. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 I think your friend is alluding to enabling in that if you stay, and try to tell him do things but he never does them, and you do nothing about him doing nothing, then you are enabling him to remain the way he is. If after talking to him about what he needs to do for you to stay with him, he does nothing then you should separate. He will never change or seek help when he doesn't have to. Do you see? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammie1438 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Yes I do see. Just have to get the guts to do. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I don't know exactly when it's time to end a marriage but I do know the scenario you describe is not cause to end a marriage. You promised to love, honor & cherish, in sickness & in health, in good times & bad til death do you part. Instead of dumping him, tell him that you & your daughter love him. Get him to discuss what's wrong. Then work TOGETHER to fix it. Throwing in the towel now is cowardly & lazy. Your friend is wrong. You fix problems by working together. You make them worse by walking away. Your absence from his life will not make him miss you. It will make him resent you for abandoning him when he needed you the most. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Your friend is wrong. You fix problems by working together. You make them worse by walking away. Your absence from his life will not make him miss you. It will make him resent you for abandoning him when he needed you the most. On top of this very solid advice, separation means he'll be parenting your daughter by himself - are you comfortable with that? d0nnivain is right, he needs your help. Is he a veteran or first responder? Abused as a child? He exhibits some symptoms of PTSD... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I don't know exactly when it's time to end a marriage but I do know the scenario you describe is not cause to end a marriage. You promised to love, honor & cherish, in sickness & in health, in good times & bad til death do you part. Instead of dumping him, tell him that you & your daughter love him. Get him to discuss what's wrong. Then work TOGETHER to fix it. Throwing in the towel now is cowardly & lazy. Your friend is wrong. You fix problems by working together. You make them worse by walking away. Your absence from his life will not make him miss you. It will make him resent you for abandoning him when he needed you the most. ^^^^ This. what is said here. Super solid advice. Unlike certain deal breakers, this seems fixable. You don't throw away 25 years over 6 months of tough time. It sounds like he needs help. If you can't do it, can you get him the help he needed? Work with him here if you can, not abandon him when he probably needs help the most. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself, but see how far you can work with him without enabling him. It's a delicate balance. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ScaryPanda Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I used to be addicted to energy drinks myself, in the end it got so bad that I was like your hubby - pacing around, anxious and often shaky. Alcohol in the evening indeed helped me relax and fall asleep but usually I just tolerated it instead. As others have said, love on him. Addictions don't start without a reason, as you said he's sad for no apparent reason and by the sounds of it, he just feels "empty". Men gain so much confidence and reassurance from their women who love and cherish them, help him fill that void. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammie1438 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 I think I worded it wrong. It has been going on for years but I just recently spoke up and told him he needs help. I give him plenty of support but he will get angry at times if I do. I give him advice but he doesn't want it. He is very hard to live with right now and even my daughter noticed it. I'm just frustrated thst he does nothing to help himself. I know addiction is hard to beat but he has to at least try if not for me my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Still . . . you have to tell him that this has reached a critical stage, that he's pushing you away. You beg him to get help so you two can stay together. I get that he doesn't want to hear it & is unreceptive but can you get a trusted confidant to help you talk to him, like your minister or somebody? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 He is very hard to live with right now and even my daughter noticed it. Again, what do you think is the source of his depression and/or anxiety? He's obviously self-medicating so you need to consider what resources might be available... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammie1438 Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Have no idea what the source is. He is not a talker. I don't even think he knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) I don't know exactly when it's time to end a marriage but I do know the scenario you describe is not cause to end a marriage. You promised to love, honor & cherish, in sickness & in health, in good times & bad til death do you part. Instead of dumping him, tell him that you & your daughter love him. Get him to discuss what's wrong. Then work TOGETHER to fix it. Throwing in the towel now is cowardly & lazy. That's why I told her this: If after talking to him about what he needs to do for you to stay with him, he does nothing then you should separate. He will never change or seek help when he doesn't have to. Do you see? Your friend is wrong. You fix problems by working together. You make them worse by walking away. It takes TWO people to work together... if he does nothing than what do you suggest she do (serious question) I think I worded it wrong. It has been going on for years but I just recently spoke up and told him he needs help. I give him plenty of support but he will get angry at times if I do. I give him advice but he doesn't want it. He is very hard to live with right now and even my daughter noticed it. I'm just frustrated thst he does nothing to help himself. I know addiction is hard to beat but he has to at least try if not for me my daughter.To stay while he does nothing is to enable him not to change a thing. You could try telling him that you are going to make an appointment with the doctor to see whats going on with him and when is the best time for you to make it. If he won't go and argues with you about then would be a good time to tell him that you love and support him in getting better but you can't live here while enabling him to be the way he is without trying to get better. Do this after you have made arrangements to live elsewhere with family or such. Even if you go to the doctor yourself and tell the doctor how he has been acting, maybe the doctor can give you some advice. You can talk about your husband to his doctor but don't expect your doctor to reveal much to you about your husband. You could also call a mental health unit in your area and ask them for advice before you leave. Your absence from his life will not make him miss you. It will make him resent you for abandoning him when he needed you the most.Or, it will light a fire under his but and he will ask her to support him while he goes through treatment or at least seeks the mental/physical professional help he needs. Edited July 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat Link to post Share on other sites
tendaysandcounting Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 As someone else has posted, it sounds like there is a definite cause of his anxiety. But it doesn't sound like it's you or any aspect of his life with you and your daughter. There is a reason why he is drinking energy drinks and coffee - most people do it to be more productive. What does he do for a living? Maybe he's involved in something that has gotten out of control and now he's constantly trying to keep it all from blowing up. Either way, he owes it to you to be honest with you and tell you what's going on. And if not, then you need to seriously consider what the rest of your life with him is going to be like. Ending a 25 year marriage is not easy. But do you have another 25 years of this lifestyle in you? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 The addictive behavior has to come under control first before anything else can happen. He reminds of someone I knew that would take uppers and then downers to bring himself back to earth. Not a good way to live. If he can' t get rid of the addictive behavior try a substitute behavior that he can be addicted to safely and does not offer long term chemical damage to the brain. Can you get him interested in exercise such as running or bicycling? Most Metro areas and some small towns have trails that are 15 to 30 miles long. Walking can be used also. I recommend biking. Some people like gyms but I always felt the need to move from one point to another. It was just more satisfying. Another suggestion is a therapy pet like a retriever. They work miracles with the right people. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammie1438 Posted July 23, 2019 Author Share Posted July 23, 2019 He has to stop the energy drinks and beer. He knows that but can't do it yet. He definitely has some issues deep down he needs to bring out. Didn't have the best childhood. Hopefully he takes the first step soon. Like someone said I can not live another 25 years like this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 First, stop buying them. Keep healthier alternatives in the house. Keep telling him you love & want him to get better / feel happier. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 First, stop buying them. Keep healthier alternatives in the house. Yes, don't be an enabler. Make him buy his own poison. Have you let him know how serious this is for you? It's possible the thought of losing his marriage is the impetus he needs to take action. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 Have no idea what the source is. He is not a talker. I don't even think he knows. Come on now, this is your husband, you've been married for 25 years. You don't know about his past? Any pressure - real or imagined - he might think he's under? Any problems or crises he might be facing? If your answer remains "I don't know", that's as big a problem as his anxiety. After 30+ years of marriage, I can tell my wife what she's going to worry about before it occurs to her to worry... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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