Slipping back into old feelings?

[WanderingInMyMind]

Hi all,

 

I've been reading this forum on and off and I first want to say thank you to everyone on here for keeping me sane, giving me insight and helping me move on for the most part. This first post of mine is going to be quite long, but I feel my situation is somewhat unique and its main purpose is to get my feelings out.

 

My ex of almost 5 years and I broke up earlier this year, about 5-6 months ago. I can't really give a definitive reason, I just know that life stresses got the better of us both, and we didn't have time for each other anymore. Our shared time was spent worrying and anxious, and I just don't think either of us were in the position to maintain a relationship with each other at that time. It happens, you know.

 

Before we broke up my ex started talking to someone new online and I think that person offered a sense of escapism, even though there was no initial attraction. When we broke up it was incredibly mutual but I did have doubts, and a real relationship between them blossomed which put an end to any resolution talks. My ex didn't cheat emotionally, it was just perfect timing of everything that facilitated their relationship to go from strength to strength. I found out about it and was genuinely happy for him and then decided the best thing would be to exit his life for good, which I did. He maintained minor contact but he seemed blissfully in love. Honestly, I stayed healthy, was not angry or resentful and put all of my newfound energy into creating my own beautiful life that I didn't have to share. Meanwhile ex and new partner were making plans to close the distance between them and had a face to face visit.

 

Long story short, the rebound-turned-love broke his heart. They were still married and wanted to give that another chance and ended things, while stringing my ex along. Ex was and is still heartbroken, and asked to see me due to similar stresses he was facing before which just compounded with this. I felt fine to do so, so we had a great day together. When the time came to leave, my ex cried. He didn't say why but I felt love from his end again, or at least a sense of loneliness. I found out that he was in a really bad place emotionally and was contemplating suicide. Had even made attempts recently, so I stayed at his request for another two days. The problem is, the whole time his rebound has been stringing him along, confessing love, and keeping him in limbo. I finally left his house when I saw that he didn't want to help himself move on and it made me feel like my presence was not going to help either way.

 

But now I'm just confused. We slept in the same bed, cuddled, talked about memories and made plans for the future. But all platonic. He never pressured me into doing anything more, and didn't try to make it seem more than it was. However, during this time I've realised that my feelings perhaps didn't go away to the extent that I thought, and maybe his haven't either. I decided to take some time to recentre myself and don't want to risk undoing all the progress I've made. But it was easier before that what if. It has me go back over the last few months of our relationship and wonder if things could have and could be different. But he's also hurting from a new breakup in which he was sold a lifetime of dreams that turned out to be lies.. I respect that and don't want to rock the boat. Has anyone ever been in a situation even remotely close to this?

[Twizzlestick]

Hi Op.

 

I haven’t been in your situation with an ex in that state. Following my own heartbreak I eargerly follow “magnetofsuccess”. It’s a blog and features many articles on breakups. They’re very inciteful. One thing from reading the articles is exes actually return, or show feelings again for what are, at the core selfish reasons. Usually when life hands out bad times. A classic is a new rele ending. Folk in low moments return to nostalgia and comfort of the past that had meaning to them, like a cup of hot cocoa.

 

Whilst your ex is showing signs of feelings, in actuality given his dire low mental state it’s a confusing medley of selfish reasons to coming back to you in that fashion, it’s not out of malice, he just feels he needs the comfort. But ultimately it’s not seated in a genuine, balanced heart felt desire to move forward with balanced consideration. The litmus test would be if he returned when sailing high, not when life hands out lemons. And exes rarely return it seems when they’re on high.

 

Tread carefully, given the mentions of suicide guide him to seek professional help but I’d try very hard if I were you to focus away from any thoughts of reconciliation. The person before you is just not in a position to give you a genuine portrayal of his balanced feelings about wanting back. And you could get dragged back down too.

 

Just my thoughts. Good luck. Check out magnet of success and I hope your ex gets the help he needs if his feelings are that perilous.

[WanderingInMyMind]

Hi Op.

 

I haven’t been in your situation with an ex in that state. Following my own heartbreak I eargerly follow “magnetofsuccess”. It’s a blog and features many articles on breakups. They’re very inciteful. One thing from reading the articles is exes actually return, or show feelings again for what are, at the core selfish reasons. Usually when life hands out bad times. A classic is a new rele ending. Folk in low moments return to nostalgia and comfort of the past that had meaning to them, like a cup of hot cocoa.

 

Whilst your ex is showing signs of feelings, in actuality given his dire low mental state it’s a confusing medley of selfish reasons to coming back to you in that fashion, it’s not out of malice, he just feels he needs the comfort. But ultimately it’s not seated in a genuine, balanced heart felt desire to move forward with balanced consideration. The litmus test would be if he returned when sailing high, not when life hands out lemons. And exes rarely return it seems when they’re on high.

 

Tread carefully, given the mentions of suicide guide him to seek professional help but I’d try very hard if I were you to focus away from any thoughts of reconciliation. The person before you is just not in a position to give you a genuine portrayal of his balanced feelings about wanting back. And you could get dragged back down too.

 

Just my thoughts. Good luck. Check out magnet of success and I hope your ex gets the help he needs if his feelings are that perilous.

 

Thank you for the reply I totally agree with what you wrote. I made sure he booked a psychiatrist appointment before I left but no, now is definitely not the time to even contemplate reconciling. I think you're right about it being selfish, and will just continue moving forward in the ways I have.

[schlumpy]

I found out about it and was genuinely happy for him and then decided the best thing would be to exit his life for good, which I did. He maintained minor contact but he seemed blissfully in love. Honestly, I stayed healthy, was not angry or resentful and put all of my newfound energy into creating my own beautiful life that I didn't have to share

 

Long story short, the rebound-turned-love broke his heart.

 

Ex was and is still heartbroken, and asked to see me due to similar stresses he was facing before which just compounded with this.

 

I found out that he was in a really bad place emotionally and was contemplating suicide. Had even made attempts recently, so I stayed at his request for another two days. I finally left his house when I saw that he didn't want to help himself move on and it made me feel like my presence was not going to help either way.

 

I decided to take some time to recentre myself and don't want to risk undoing all the progress I've made. But it was easier before that what if. It has me go back over the last few months of our relationship and wonder if things could have and could be different. But he's also hurting from a new breakup in which he was sold a lifetime of dreams that turned out to be lies.. I respect that and don't want to rock the boat. Has anyone ever been in a situation even remotely close to this?

 

I hate what psychology has done to society. Everything has a neat little label or title. We can't cure it but we sure can give it a fancy name. It has certainly done you harm. Making you passive and accepting of your spouses destructive behavior. Excusing it because it made him happy and so you were obligated feel happy for him. Did he feel happy for you when you walked or was he glad you weren't around to get his way anymore?

 

You speak of how you suppressed your justifiable anger as if that was a good thing. That anger could have protected you when he came knocking and instead you welcomed him in because that's what psychology has conditioned people to think is a healthy response.

 

All the good things you've done for yourself over the last 5 months are gone. Climbing into his bed destroyed it all. Now you are doubting yourself again. His sorrow is your sorrow.

 

You are worried about rocking the boat when you should be kicking a hole in it.

 

If you want to reconcile then do so without all of this drama. I understand. You still want what you once had. Quite pretending you were creating a beautiful life and longing to be one with the universe when all you were really doing was waiting for him to come back to you.

 

Well he's here and it's still all about him. That space you used to fill in his heart? It's a lot smaller now.

 

Best Wishes

[WanderingInMyMind]

I hate what psychology has done to society. Everything has a neat little label or title. We can't cure it but we sure can give it a fancy name. It has certainly done you harm. Making you passive and accepting of your spouses destructive behavior. Excusing it because it made him happy and so you were obligated feel happy for him. Did he feel happy for you when you walked or was he glad you weren't around to get his way anymore?

 

You speak of how you suppressed your justifiable anger as if that was a good thing. That anger could have protected you when he came knocking and instead you welcomed him in because that's what psychology has conditioned people to think is a healthy response.

 

All the good things you've done for yourself over the last 5 months are gone. Climbing into his bed destroyed it all. Now you are doubting yourself again. His sorrow is your sorrow.

 

You are worried about rocking the boat when you should be kicking a hole in it.

 

If you want to reconcile then do so without all of this drama. I understand. You still want what you once had. Quite pretending you were creating a beautiful life and longing to be one with the universe when all you were really doing was waiting for him to come back to you.

 

Well he's here and it's still all about him. That space you used to fill in his heart? It's a lot smaller now.

 

Best Wishes

 

That is exactly what I needed to hear you're right. What a loser. Update in case anyone wants to know: I haven't seen him since and don't plan to. I actually forgot I made this post and was just reminded and wanted to respond to any replies.

 

Thanks for your help!

[schlumpy]

I expect you to do the same for me if I ever need some assistance one day.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is not your role to soothe your ex's heart that another woman broke, OP. I frankly think it's a bit absurd that he turned to you to lean on, but more so that you permitted it.

 

He is sad because things didn't work out with her. Not that things didn't work out with you. He knows he could get back together with you, but hasn't made a move to do so. The dream life he built up in his mind about her is just that - a dream. Never likely to come to fruition. He might not have cheated on you, but it was no doubt more than platonic chats if it escalated from the moment you two broke up.

 

You need to stay away from him. His unstable mental health is for a professional to deal with, and for friends and family to support him through. You should not become involved, because it only confuses you and keeps you stuck on a man who is pining for someone else. You will be left in the dust once he's feeling better.

[stillafool]

He is basically using you to try to soothe his hurt from her. You would be a rebound if you went back and he would probably break up with you again. I agree that it is not your place to help your ex get over his lover. I certainly would not get in bed and cuddle with him, what? You are not his mother.