Logo Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 You have started dating. What signs -- in both act and speech -- that point to clinginess and desperation do you look for? Feel free to mention or list as many as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I dated an extremely clingy and controlling person. These traits came out right away. -Constantly wanting to stay in contact, pretty much 24/7. I'm one who likes to text, but not every minute of everyday when I'm awake. -They accuse you of neglecting them despite spending tons of time w/them. -They get jealous when you go out on your own. -Accuse you of not caring for them or that you are cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 women who call/text multiple times per day 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Pretending they like/dislike things that you like/dislike when they actually don't. "Oh, I love OJ and ginger ale with light ice too. But only when I'm bored on plane flights. Just like you!" That's more desperation than clinginess per se. But with one comes the other IME... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 They follow you from room to room like a puppy dog. I broke up with a fairly nice guy because he followed me like that and went into the restroom with me. Sit! Stay! Whiny, needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 Too many phone calls for the point we are at in the relationship. Wanting to always hang out ... always asking "what are you doing tonight?" Not in a curious way ... not in a "I want to learn about you and how you live" way. But in a "if you aren't doing anything spectacular then you should be with me." You have a great conversation or whatever ... that will carry you forward for a few days until you next see the person. They act like they need this kind of conversation every night. They have little going on in their lives outside of dating. No projects, ho hobbies, no friends they have out with. You are the center of the action, the only action really in the person's life. Clingy people often make snide comments about other people. Something about being clingy (not always) ... blocks people from having an optimistic view of others. Just my two cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 "Clingy" people just need to go find another "clingy" person. Both then happy. It is just a style of dating like any other. If you don't like it, then stay away, No need to disparage or denigrate. Too often I see people who are scared of vulnerability, scared of opening up, scared of appearing clingy or needy, BUT in order to forge a relationship one needs to show some degree of emotional availability. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 im all for closeness and intimacy. but sometimes clingy people can be a bit disrespectful of ones space and autonomy and comfort. I value quality time, affection, and conversation but I also understand that a whole different person have their own limits to how much of that they need or take at a given time and that needs to be respected. and sometimes people who are clingy lack that respect. I can relate to their "need" or desire for connection. I have the same desires. I can even relate to the frustration they feel when they are not getting what they need from their partners. I too would feel negative. but its how some of them chose to respond where I disagree (pushing your own way, nagging, guilt trips, continuing to try to get closer when the person clearly wants a bit of space). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 "Clingy" people just need to go find another "clingy" person. Both then happy. It is just a style of dating like any other. If you don't like it, then stay away, No need to disparage or denigrate. Too often I see people who are scared of vulnerability, scared of opening up, scared of appearing clingy or needy, BUT in order to forge a relationship one needs to show some degree of emotional availability. I wonder if that would work, though. Or if they'd both just end up being insecure and driving each other nuts, or if one would find the other being clingy/needy just unattractive. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 I wonder if that would work, though. Or if they'd both just end up being insecure and driving each other nuts, or if one would find the other being clingy/needy just unattractive. clingy people need a non-clingy person to compliment them Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 I wonder if that would work, though. Or if they'd both just end up being insecure and driving each other nuts, or if one would find the other being clingy/needy just unattractive. I think finding someone who matches your need for constant attention does work, many long married couples live in each others pockets, they hardly move without the other, it works for them. It is only unattractive to those who covet space and independence, which is more of a modern trait. Many cultures with extended families live in a happy secure bunch. We in the West love "space" and loneliness is now a huge problem... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 Actually very good points. It would seem as though there is a person's level of clinginess AND their tolerance level for their partner's clinginess (which may or may not be about equal). So, when two people are together and everything aligns - viola! You've got a decent relationship. Once that happens the views of outsiders to the relationship should no longer matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 Signs of clinginess: Blowing up your phone Wanting daily contact especially in the 1st 90 days. Wanting to see you more than 1-2 times per week regularly during the 1st 6 months Not wanting to go home after breakfast after the first few sleepovers. they were invited to stay the night, not the weekend. Getting upset if you want to spend time with friends or on your hobbies without them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 I think finding someone who matches your need for constant attention does work, many long married couples live in each others pockets, they hardly move without the other, it works for them. It is only unattractive to those who covet space and independence, which is more of a modern trait. Many cultures with extended families live in a happy secure bunch. We in the West love "space" and loneliness is now a huge problem... Space and independence are actually a healthy thing. I know it would drive me nuts if I was constantly around my partner 24/7. The main reason I broke up with my ex. She just demanded too much of his time and it eventually drove me insane. With the current person I'm dating, she's a little bit clingy as well, but nowhere NEAR where my ex was. She also respects my boundaries more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 Too much "future" talk projected too far in advance in the beginning. In the 1st few months, I don't really want to talk about an us more then 4-6 weeks out. Anybody who wants you to meet every person in their life & expects to be introduced to yours & pouts when those introductions aren't forthcoming on their schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted July 23, 2019 Author Share Posted July 23, 2019 "Clingy" people just need to go find another "clingy" person. Both then happy. It is just a style of dating like any other. If you don't like it, then stay away, No need to disparage or denigrate. Too often I see people who are scared of vulnerability, scared of opening up, scared of appearing clingy or needy, BUT in order to forge a relationship one needs to show some degree of emotional availability. I wasn't disparaging. I asked because we all tend to use the label to weed out potential partners. It's like coffee, some like it sweeter, some don't. And I wanted to hear what opinions on "clinginess" were out there. You know? Without vulnerability there can be no relationship. So we all have to make ourselves vulnerable to have an emotional connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted July 23, 2019 Author Share Posted July 23, 2019 Signs of clinginess: Wanting to see you more than 1-2 times per week regularly during the 1st 6 months Call me clingy, but 6 months sounds too long of a wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 23, 2019 Share Posted July 23, 2019 In the 1st few months, I don't really want to talk about an us more then 4-6 weeks out. in the first few months I really don't want to talk about "us" 4-6 hours out Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) well, I love a clingy BF lol I love a BF who isnt afraid to text me whenever he can just because he thought about me. and replies to my text within minutes cuz he makes me his priority. And hold my hands everywhere we go and just PDA the hell out of it cuz we are in love and happy Edited July 24, 2019 by frus69 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Signs of clinginess: Wanting daily contact especially in the 1st 90 days. Wanting to see you more than 1-2 times per week regularly during the 1st 6 months Not wanting to go home after breakfast after the first few sleepovers. they were invited to stay the night, not the weekend. I dont see any problem with these though..i have daily contact with my bf since the 1st date and we see each other more than twice a week from the 1st date and he always wanted to stay over since the 2nd date. But he doesnt blow up my phone and never gets upset if I need to sort out my own life. And this is overall the happiest relationship I have ever had. So people can totally be "clingy" but also independent and not insecure and for me, they are the best lol Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I've never actually dated anyone that I would call clingy. It's an incompatibility. Either he becomes controlling and exasperated by me or he calls it quits. I'm all for clingy when it's mutual. But I won't participate in more clinginess than I'm comfortable with. For example, if he calls more than I want then I just don't answer or I tell him to stop. I'm not going to reply reluctantly then afterwards call him clingy. I imagine it's harder for men dealing with this incompatibility, because they want to be the nice gentleman who take takes care of women's needs, so they put up with more than they are really comfortable with. Often they're too nice to just tell her and hurt her or maybe they just don't want to lose her. With some people I know who complain of a clingy partner, I can see a certain amount of enabling. And sometimes it even seems like part of that person enjoys being needed so much. Maybe sometimes it is amusing at first, until you stop being amused by it. I went out with this one guy I met online who (on the second date!) complained all his exs were too clingy. When he ended it, it turned out he felt I didn't give him enough attention! So although he complained about his exs being clingy, it made him feel more secure, it's where he is most comfortable. Funny how some people keep seeking out relationship behavior they "don't want". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 in the first few months I really don't want to talk about "us" 4-6 hours out What if I had great seats to your favorite sports team? Seriously. . . you would turn down 4th row 30 yard line to a Bears' game ( you are from Chicago, right) because I said "we" could go next week? There are bright lines & fuzzy lines to everything. I also prefer a LOT more independence & alone time then many. I hate clingy. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 What if I had great seats to your favorite sports team? Seriously. . . you would turn down 4th row 30 yard line to a Bears' game ( you are from Chicago, right) because I said "we" could go next week? Detroit There are bright lines & fuzzy lines to everything. I also prefer a LOT more independence & alone time then many. I hate clingy. I've found over the years that many women prefer independence and alone time. That's why I let them chase me... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Detroit.. Fine .. . .I have Thanksgiving Day Lions tickets & some family member of yours just insulted your green bean casserole. You get my point. There is a difference between a summer date informing you about an upcoming future event that you think is awesome vs 3 dates in decided that you two will do this together for time immemorial. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 well, I love a clingy BF lol I love a BF who isnt afraid to text me whenever he can just because he thought about me. and replies to my text within minutes cuz he makes me his priority. And hold my hands everywhere we go and just PDA the hell out of it cuz we are in love and happy I don't see this as clingy ... I see this as affectionate and attentive. He texts you ... doesn't expect to see you all the time, it seems. Huge difference ... and he replies quickly ... meaning sometimes YOU initiate right. So he's not always forcing the communication. Not clingy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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