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What my therapist said today about rejection

mortensorchid

By mortensorchid,
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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mortensorchid

mortensorchid

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I went to see my therapist today about a long standing issue I have posted about. For the sake of redundancy, going back about 5 years ago, I had a crush on a guy I worked with. I put a present in his box in the office without a name on it because, I wanted to give him a present. I had his phone number (as everyone in the school - I am/was a teacher and so was he). After I was no longer at the place (long story), I texted him "Wanna hang out?" He texted me back saying "I am not interested in you romantically sorry to be blunt". I was an adult about it, I erased his number from my phone and never spoke a word to him ever again. It's now 5 years later.

 

I have been rejected before, countless times, but, I told her, this rejection put a box on it. Ever since that rejection in particular, there has been a black cloud hanging over me with this "Nobody wants me" message. I told her that I am 44 about to be 45, I am too old for children now. I still look very good for my age, I still get carded as a matter of fact, she agreed. So this black cloud is what was bothering me. She said at least he had the courtesy to respond to you, and I said yes - how many of us have been ghosted put your hand up. I said ever since then something inside me changed and it's not going away.

 

I said I've been working on it, had a few OLDs this year but they were either not interested or looking for sex (see other threads this year of my OLD experiences). What to do? She said "Keep on trying". I have said this to myself over and over, I guess that's all I can do. But I feel better, it's been 5 years after all, and I've been with others here and there (be they encounters or whatnot).

 

I guess that's all to report - "You matter, Don't give up".

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grays

grays

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So what she had to say was, “you matter, don’t give up,”? True. Hard sometimes, though. I do believe there’s someone out there for all of us, but it’s hard to keep putting yourself out there. The alternative is giving up, though, and to me that’s intolerable.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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She said "Keep on trying". I have said this to myself over and over, I guess that's all I can do.

 

mortensorchid, do you pursue your own life and self-development? Build your own happiness? Have your own interests, hobbies and goals?

 

There's a danger in waiting for someone to complete you, I think we're better with someone who complements us. Those I know with the best relationships seem to have lived their lives as though they'd be perfectly happy without one.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

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mortensorchid

mortensorchid

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mortensorchid, do you pursue your own life and self-development? Build your own happiness? Have your own interests, hobbies and goals?

 

There's a danger in waiting for someone to complete you, I think we're better with someone who complements us. Those I know with the best relationships seem to have lived their lives as though they'd be perfectly happy without one.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. I am incomplete in that area of life and have been for a very long time. I may have to accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life but I don't want to be.

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alphamale

alphamale

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I may have to accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life but I don't want to be.

 

don't be silly mortensorchid, you won't be alone for the rest of your life

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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I am incomplete in that area of life and have been for a very long time. I may have to accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life but I don't want to be.

 

Well, it looks like you have a pretty clear path forward. Becoming the best version of you is also the surest way to attract the kind of person you'd want to be with...

 

Mr. Lucky

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PRW

PRW

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You meet the best ones when you aren't looking.

 

Stay away from OLD,...it is dating sewage.

 

Build an actual in person social life and meet real people in person through that. Check out www.meetup.com and see if there are any interesting meetup groups in your area to join. Real-life social networking is where you have the best chance.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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I said I've been working on it, had a few OLDs this year but they were either not interested or looking for sex (see other threads this year of my OLD experiences).

 

 

Not recommending OLD specifically, but consider (if you find the guy acceptable and this is otherwise ok with you) giving him what he wants. Some guys don't really bond over sex, but I believe many do. He may think "Hmm - she's cute, stable, has a job, sex is good. Maybe I'll stay."

 

Not saying this WILL happen but as a male I firmly believe it COULD. Of course there are other factors, and you may have to burn through several more of the player types, but don't underestimate the draw of sex for men.

 

If this is something you just can't do, then disregard...

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preraph

preraph

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You know, that guy probably wouldn't have been so brutal except you giving him an anonymous present was exceedingly creepy. Obviously, he knew it was you. If you hadn't done such a creepy thing, he probably just would have gone, No, thank you, got something else going on.

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mortensorchid

mortensorchid

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You know, that guy probably wouldn't have been so brutal except you giving him an anonymous present was exceedingly creepy. Obviously, he knew it was you. If you hadn't done such a creepy thing, he probably just would have gone, No, thank you, got something else going on.

 

I don't know about that. After all, there have been many people who have been secret admirers. The object of affection has received presents from that person, I admit it was the first time I had ever had the emotion to send a man I had a crush on a present. Creepy? That's up for debate I suppose.

 

But it's behind me almost 5 years. I think the issue was the black cloud that has not gone away. I distract myself with other things, but it put a box on it for me of the "No one wants me" that is over me.

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major_merrick

major_merrick

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Well, you sound like you are getting it handled. Much better than I do. I've usually been the dump-er instead of the recipient. When I've been the recipient, it isn't pretty and I don't stay calm. I kind of want to soak everything in gasoline and light it up. Stick with the black cloud, and you'll get it to go away. At least it keeps you from going nuts and getting arrested :laugh:

Anonymous presents may come off creepy. Men don't like uncertainty. Women don't either, for that matter. If you want to give someone a present, be up front about it. And to be likeable, be cute. Being cute can literally get you anything you want. I don't do "cute" very well, but I've watched my husband's other partners. Wife #2 is an expert at it. It is a sort of combination of attractive, charming, sociable, and a sort of "smallness" either in size or disposition. I can't describe it much beyond that, as I'm about as cute as an irritable porcupine.

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preraph

preraph

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I don't know about that. After all, there have been many people who have been secret admirers. The object of affection has received presents from that person, I admit it was the first time I had ever had the emotion to send a man I had a crush on a present. Creepy? That's up for debate I suppose.....

 

Anonymous gifts from secret admirers has always been creepy. Because it's always about knowing the other person doesn't like you that way or else you wouldn't need to do it anonymously. It makes the other person feel really imposed on. It puts them on the spot. It makes some of them hope it's the dream girl and puts them in an awkward situation. It makes them feel creepy and have to change their approach to everyone because it could be any one of them. In this case, he already knew it was you because it was apparently preceded with unwanted attention. If he'd wanted to come your way, he would have, but you didn't accept that and then went overboard, and this was his straightforward response to your backdoor approach.

 

But yes, as long as you would never do something like that again, you should forgive yourself and move forward. We all do stupid things when we're young and idealistic, but we all need to learn boundaries and then use them.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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stillafool

stillafool

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I've been given a gift by anonymously but I knew who it was from too and it was creepy because I had made it clear I only wanted to be friends. Maybe because I'm a woman but it kind of scared me and made me go in protection mode. I couldn't understand the mindset of his actions.

 

I think rejection cuts deeper for women because in the past we weren't put in positions to be rejected the way men were. That said, I think rejection is hard for most people regardless of gender.

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Flame Aura

Flame Aura

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...The object of affection has received presents from that person, I admit it was the first time I had ever had the emotion to send a man I had a crush on a present. Creepy? That's up for debate I suppose...

It's creepy 100%, something that a love struck hapless teenager would do. At least you learnt from your mistake.

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mortensorchid

mortensorchid

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It's creepy 100%, something that a love struck hapless teenager would do. At least you learnt from your mistake.

 

Oh yes, absolutely. It was a spur of the moment decision to buy it and giving it to him was even more foolish. I will NEVER put myself out there again like that.

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Flame Aura

Flame Aura

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Oh yes, absolutely. It was a spur of the moment decision to buy it and giving it to him was even more foolish. I will NEVER put myself out there again like that.

Don't worry we have all been there.

 

 

A few years ago I made a big fool of myself with a girl I liked/was infatuated with. I had taken her to the train station and waited with her for her train home. Then suddenly I had a spur of the moment idea - to get on that same train without her knowing (it wasn't departing for a few minutes yet). I found her on the train and she was surprised what I was doing there.. as it's the complete opposite way to my home and basically added an extra 2 hours to my journey. I told her I just wanted to spend a bit more time with her. She didn't quite see it that way to say the least...lol lesson learnt!

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Lonely67

Lonely67

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Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. I am incomplete in that area of life and have been for a very long time. I may have to accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life but I don't want to be.

 

I'm in Australia, and I feel the same as you many times over.

 

I'm 51yo now, and never got married or had kids. I have put myself out there, but no luck unfortunately.

 

Don't give up, I certainly won't.

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