Am I being too picky?

[Cora]

So I’m 36, never married and no kids. Kids are something I’ve always definitely want someday. Most of the guys I’ve been talking to are divorced with kids and don’t want anymore. Now I realize that it’s going to be harder to find guys my age who have never married and have no children. That’s totally fine....I’m ok with that. But I’m starting to think at my age should I just give up on trying to find a guy who is open to having kids (or more kids) someday? I mean it’s not as if I will be able to biologically have kids in a few years anyway. So perhaps I’m being too picky. Maybe I need to be more realistic. At my age I probably can’t afford to be that picky.

 

Thoughts?

[alphamale]

start looking at guys in their 50s who have no kids, surely a few of them hate being childless so here is their chance to leave a legacy or two behind

[BC1980]

At your age, you are really limiting your prospects if you will only consider guys who want kids. I know that may be difficult to accept, but, once you hit 35 or so, it's time to start accepting that it's unlikely you will ever have children. It's not impossible, but it gets more unlikely. So you just have to decide how willing you are to limit your prospects.

[frus69]

Is kids more important to you or a husband more important?

[chillii]

You obviously don't realize just how big having kids can become to many women, even much older than the op.

Anyway, op no one can say l mean who can know the future of who you might meet, no way to know. butttt, l was much older when we had our daughter and back then l had single friends much older than you that still hoped to meet a women with no kids yet and wanted a family, so people are around, well here amyway. Whether you feel you'ill have that luck in finding both love and family and to wait, only you can say.

 

My sister was 43 when she met her h, he did already have 2 kids though . They had a daughter been married 20yrs, they're actually a very close and into each other couple too.

Buttt, she did always know how to get her man so when she decided she must have a child, she set about finding him and typical to her, she did.

She was married once before that, no kids.

Edited July 23, 2019 by chillii

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Do not settle. If you want a guy who has never been married and wants kids stick to that!!!

 

Hold your standards! The thing is your not picky enough!!!

 

Have a beautiful day!!!

[Lisa_Lisa]

It's important to have a positive attitude when it comes to meeting someone. The negative vibe will radiate outward to potential mates. I don't think you should discount a man with children. What you should stay away from is a man who has baby mama drama or a man who lets his kids rule his life/romantic life.

 

 

I find boys are more easy going than girls because boys are more into doing their own thing while girls are more attached to daddy and might make things difficult for any potential girlfriend. Boys are happy if dad is happy. (this is all my personal experience so take that with a grain of salt).

 

 

If he's open to having more kids is a discussion that surely will come up within the first couple of dates so you can make a decision then and there. I dated a man who had a 7 year old son and he said he's open to having more kids, but if it doesn't happen, he's fine either way.

 

 

 

And don't recoil into a shell about babies just because you're 35. Go to the doctor and get your blood drawn to get to see if you're ovulating naturally then get your tubes checked for blockages. If all is clear, take Ubiquinol because that regenerates the cells in your body (including eggs, which have a 90 day turn over) so that when the egg does pop out, it's nice and healthy and sperm can fertilize it quickly.

 

 

This is all the advice I can think of, but have fun with dating. It's all a journey and when you meet the right man, you'll know. I know people feel lonely if they're not coupled up, but that is a dangerous thought. You are whole and complete all on your own. A man will just complement your happiness.

[Flame Aura]

No you are not being picky. If you want to have kids then find someone who wants to have them too. It's a normal first date question anyway when getting to know someone.

[schlumpy]

If having kids is very important then you need to devote all your time and energy to finding the right man starting now.

 

Use your friends and family as man scouts. See if they can't point out one or two prospects.

 

Being "too Picky" is subjective in that one women's dud is another women's perfect man. I think the problem is when one's expectations are up near the fantasy range.

 

Will you settle for nothing less than your pulse pounding when he comes in the room or is a nice warm feeling inside enough when he smiles at you?

 

Does he have to hang glide of the side of the Big Horn Mountains to get your notice or can you feel the same if he helps a child get a drink of water from the fountain at a local park?

 

I know what I love in my wife and I also know what I don't love. You just have to be open and willing to compromise but not to the point where you violate your own core tenets.

 

If you do not succeed and end up with no children there is always adoption.

 

I am childless. My wife decided early in our marriage that she didn't want children and it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

 

Try your best to attain your goal but remember there is a life that can be lived without children in it and it can be fulfilling also.

 

Best Wishes

[smackie9]

Date younger......

[d0nnivain]

date younger or consider becoming a single parent. As a woman who waited too long, all I can say is tick tock. Don't give up your dream

[elaine567]

I don't think you should discount a man with children.

She isn't doing that, she is discounting guys with children who don't want any more children.

[Mrin]

If having kids are important then you should date younger or continue to look for men who want to have kids. You may need to sacrifice a little bit elsewhere in your criteria. You only get one shot at this and if having kids is important to you then don't give up the dream.

 

because if a man says he doesn't want (more) kids it's unlikely he is going to change his mind.

 

But if having kids is just a nice to have for you then yeah maybe you should rethink your criteria.

[preraph]

I have seen plenty of men who didn't really want more kids who understood and agreed to have a child with their new wife nonetheless. I mean, men do understand most women are going to want a child. I mean, accidents happen anyway and most men know this, so if they really didn't want kids, they'd be getting snipped.

[Mrin]

I have seen plenty of men who didn't really want more kids who understood and agreed to have a child with their new wife nonetheless. I mean, men do understand most women are going to want a child. I mean, accidents happen anyway and most men know this, so if they really didn't want kids, they'd be getting snipped.

 

Right. That is precisely why I got snipped.

[preraph]

^And I'm all for that. I wish more men would. As long as the woman knows about it.

[lurker74]

So I’m 36, never married and no kids. Kids are something I’ve always definitely want someday. Most of the guys I’ve been talking to are divorced with kids and don’t want anymore. Now I realize that it’s going to be harder to find guys my age who have never married and have no children. That’s totally fine....I’m ok with that. But I’m starting to think at my age should I just give up on trying to find a guy who is open to having kids (or more kids) someday? I mean it’s not as if I will be able to biologically have kids in a few years anyway. So perhaps I’m being too picky. Maybe I need to be more realistic. At my age I probably can’t afford to be that picky.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm in my forties (early). When I first got divorced, I kind of figured I'd meet a woman in her mid to late 20s and was prepared for more kids (or at least a kid). Then it turned out that I didn't much care for the women in the mid to late 20s. Now, I meet three types of women. Those, like you, in their early to mid 30s that definitely want at least one child. And that's cool with me if we hit it off, fall in love, get married, and you really want a child. So I don't think you're too picky.

 

Of course, I also have met some women three to five years older than you that DESPERATELY want a child. A 39 year old woman I went on two dates with a couple months ago asked me to prove that I hadn't had a vasectomy (as if I keep my sperm count reports on me). Imagine having to fall in love, get married, and get pregnant before she gets even older? It's not that it's not possible, but the pressure is a lot. And if I'm with her for a year or even two and it doesn't work out? Then I'm a jerk for wasting her time?!?

 

So, I would suggest that you stop worrying too much about if the kids will work out because if you focus on it, it will come across to many men as being baby crazy and interfere. Simply asking if they are "open" to the idea is enough and then move on.

 

By the way, the third type are the ones that definitely don't want kids (or more kids) and they are the most fun so even though I am open, it's lower stress for me when kids are not on the table. And I imagine that for most men my age, that stress is even greater than it is for me o you might be having bad luck relative to other women that definitely don't want kids.

 

FTR, finding a man roughly your age that has not been married, has no kids, and wants kids is like finding a unicorn. If you find a guy like that, it's HIGHLY likely that he has other issues, so it's probably best that you've recognized that such a man is unlikely.

[Happy Lemming]

...As a woman who waited too long, all I can say is tick tock.

 

This is what happened to my girlfriend. She was dating this one guy that was just "OK", he wanted to settle down and have kids. But he wasn't her "knight in shining armor". She was too picky. She didn't settle, threw him back and time got away from her. She never found that "knight in shining armor". She never had children and regrets it everyday.

 

So I'd like to second "d0nnivain's" post of "Tick Tock".

Edited July 23, 2019 by Happy Lemming

[Kitty Tantrum]

Not too picky to want a man who is open to having children - but why does he have to be never-married and childless?

 

If I were you, I would be looking at men in the 40+ range who want kids - period. Whether he's been married and/or had kids before should be less of a factor than his current desire and ability to have children and support them. Of course if he has too much baggage, or if his existing kids are intolerably awful, that's another matter.

 

But don't assume that a childless/never-married person in that age range is necessarily going to have less baggage than someone with marriage/kids in their history. If a person (man or woman) WANTS children and doesn't have them yet by 40, there's a really good chance there's some baggage involved in that equation.

[kendahke]

So I’m 36, never married and no kids. Kids are something I’ve always definitely want someday.

 

I think you're conflating two totally different concepts.

 

There is nothing that has precluded you from having children--it would have been as a single mother, but you've had opportunities to bear children. What you are really talking about is operating within the confines of creating children within a marriage and yes, that's going to be a harder row to hoe. A whole separate person who has a right to self determination and to whom they want to spend the rest of their life with and create children with is involved, so yes, working within that paradigm, it's going to be a lot harder to achieve marriage and children.

 

Most of the guys I’ve been talking to are divorced with kids and don’t want anymore. Now I realize that it’s going to be harder to find guys my age who have never married and have no children. That’s totally fine....I’m ok with that. But I’m starting to think at my age should I just give up on trying to find a guy who is open to having kids (or more kids) someday? I mean it’s not as if I will be able to biologically have kids in a few years anyway. So perhaps I’m being too picky. Maybe I need to be more realistic. At my age I probably can’t afford to be that picky.

 

Thoughts?

 

Hard as it is to believe, there are straight/hetero men +35 who have never married and don't have children; however, they aren't in abundance.

[Lisa_Lisa]

<<<<This is what happened to my girlfriend. She was dating this one guy that was just "OK", he wanted to settle down and have kids. But he wasn't her "knight in shining armor". She was too picky. She didn't settle, threw him back and time got away from her. She never found that "knight in shining armor". She never had children and regrets it everyday.>>>>

 

 

But if she hadn't left that guy then she never would have met you and have a good relationship with you.

 

 

 

I don't know what's worse, having kids with someone you deem just "ok" or be a single mom or be stuck in a marriage that's not working.

 

 

I understand a woman's biological need for children, it's very strong. But I also wonder if a woman regrets not having children does that mean she's destined to live a miserable existence until the day she dies?

 

 

Even though your girlfriend regrets not having children everyday, do you think she's still happy or does she have to retreat to a dark room and cry it out?

 

 

I'm asking out of curiosity because isn't there more to life than kids?

To some, it's the be all and end all and to others, it just is. So confusing.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't know what's worse, having kids with someone you deem just "ok" or be a single mom or be stuck in a marriage that's not working.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but my ex-husband-and-father-of-my-children ended up being a total cad. I was pretty sure by the time we had our children that our marriage was doomed. My only regret is that I didn't divorce him shortly after the youngest was born. I have never regretted making babies with him, even though he has cost me SO MUCH time/money/energy/heartache/dignity/etc.

 

Western culture is stacked against people who want children. If I hadn't jumped at the chance to marry and have children young, there is no guarantee I would have any by now (coming up on 33), especially since I absolutely would NOT entertain the idea of having children outside of marriage.

 

I could probably have had a million dollars in the bank by now if I'd prioritized income-generation and not married a financial sinkhole when I was 19. I am so, SO glad that I have children instead. Even though their dad STILL sometimes costs me money.

 

It's been hard for me just to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't born into a culture where I get to keep making babies until my body won't do it anymore. I only have two. I wanted a dozen when I was a kid, but I had to keep scaling my expectations back as I approached adulthood and the cultural and economic realities of my environment started becoming apparent. I'm an extreme case, and I'm sure it's different for every woman, but the biological clock is a force to be reckoned with.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey that makes me one of those unicorns then !

 

I’m 39, never married, no kids. And NO as inferred by another poster about blokes in my bracket - I don’t have “issues”

 

I feel all fuzzy now

[Happy Lemming]

But if she hadn't left that guy then she never would have met you and have a good relationship with you.

 

Even though your girlfriend regrets not having children everyday, do you think she's still happy or does she have to retreat to a dark room and cry it out?

 

Yes, we have a good relationship, but we are both older, I'm 53, she is a little older than me. As far as having children, that ship has sailed.

 

She cries from time to time about not having children. She told me (recently) she saw a little girl in the grocery store that looked just like her when she was little and my girlfriend started to cry right there in the store. The child reminded her of what never was.

 

It is one of the issues she discusses with her therapist.

 

And yes she settled (for me), I often joke that my girlfriend was looking for a "Knight in shining armor who rode up on a white horse"; she settled for a "rodent who drove up in an old white pickup"

 

For the record we have been dating for 7.5 years and enjoy each other's company.

 

Hope that answers your question, if not please post and I'll try to write more.

[Kitty Tantrum]

My stepmother never got to have children of her own, and I know she wanted them. Then she went and fell in love with my dad, and he wouldn't give her one (I think a big part of the reason is that all us kids were still fairly young - and then by the time we weren't, she was well into menopause - she's older than him). I don't know the extent to which it pains her (I don't pry), but I know it does. You can tell.

 

That's part of why, when she and my dad divorced, I went out of my way to reassure her that she would always be "grandma" to my kids no matter what. She's bonded with them and I know they help fill the hole in her heart. And then she and my dad went and got remarried to each other anyway, so I guess she doesn't resent him too much for it.

 

 

(But she COULD HAVE gone for an older man with older/grown children who would have been open to adding one or two more to the mix - which is what I would generally advise for women who are starting to feel the time crunch and not having luck with childless men in their own age group.)

Edited July 23, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum