Am I being too picky?

[Sunlight72]

(But she COULD HAVE gone for an older man with older/grown children who would have been open to adding one or two more to the mix - which is what I would generally advise for women who are starting to feel the time crunch and not having luck with childless men in their own age group.)

I love how now with online ordering and Amazon making things seem like a magical consumer world, we get the feeling everyone can just pick who they want and get it. The reality is that each of us really has less than a dozen choices for life partners, probably often closer to 2 or 3 for right time/right place/generally compatible on the big things that will matter over the years. It just isn't so possible to 'pick' your partner with a checklist longer than about 3 items on it.

 

I hear your thinking Kitty, and it 'makes great sense', but the actual choices we have in life are almost never going to fulfill all our dreams. At some point it comes down to timing and who's available and interested to play musical chairs at this moment.

[Sunlight72]

... So perhaps I’m being too picky. Maybe I need to be more realistic. At my age I probably can’t afford to be that picky.

 

Thoughts?

Thoughts? Sure... If you actually want children, are now 36, and not yet attached, yes, you are being too picky about the wrong things.

 

You have already passed up at least 2 or 3 interested, willing, available guys who would have been decent or better life partners if you would have been willing to invest your heart in someone not as sexy/wealthy/handsome/tall/charming as you dreamed in return for the chance to have a home full of your own family - and the work and patience that come with it.

 

Time to either quit hoping for kids with an imaginary man, or get to finding a real, existing, available man who is interested in kids - and the rest of his traits can be OK for you in thankful return for the chance to make a family together. And you will need to contribute charity, grace, and love more than you feel you should to enjoy the gift of children and a family.

 

If he were asking, I would tell him the exact same thing. You both need to give more than you think is fair, graciously, as best you can, for ever That is the magical recipe if you really want children.

[Kitty Tantrum]

The reality is that each of us really has less than a dozen choices for life partners, probably often closer to 2 or 3 for right time/right place/generally compatible on the big things that will matter over the years. It just isn't so possible to 'pick' your partner with a checklist longer than about 3 items on it.

 

That IS true - and I guess what I'm saying is that if you REALLY want to have babies, put that on your three-item-checklist. My stepmother obviously didn't do that, or she wouldn't have married my father (he never led her to believe they might have kids or anything, so she knew what she was getting into). But she certainly COULD have.

 

And so can the OP. Instead of putting all of these other criteria first (never married, childless, same age - and whatever other criteria she has but hasn't mentioned), and THEN screening for ones who want children - put having children at the top of the list and be willing to accept the trade-off that he might be older, or divorced, or whatever.

[Happy Lemming]

...The reality is that each of us really has less than a dozen choices for life partners, probably often closer to 2 or 3 for right time/right place/generally compatible on the big things that will matter over the years. It just isn't so possible to 'pick' your partner with a checklist longer than about 3 items on it.

 

Re-read this paragraph from "Sunlight72"... So true!

 

In your 20's, sure your list could be a little longer as there were more choices back then, but now in your mid thirties, yea 3 items that are really important to you is about all you get.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Happy Lemming

[Eternal Sunshine]

Have children by yourself. It is much easier nowadays to get a sperm donor. Then look for a man that will be everything you want at a leisurely pace.

 

 

The worst thing you can do is marry a man you can barely stomach just to have kids/family. A lot of women make that mistake.

[alphamale]

Have children by yourself. It is much easier nowadays to get a sperm donor. Then look for a man that will be everything you want at a leisurely pace...

 

unfortunately ES, she'll be with child(s) and will be less appealing to many men

[Cora]

Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I’m not looking for a man who has never been married and doesn’t have any kids. It doesn’t matter to me if he’s divorced or has kids already. I’m just looking for a man who is ok with having kids or more kids if he has some already. Kids are definitely important to me, but I don’t think it’s the only thing that would make me happy. I’d love to find a partner....to have that companionship would be awesome. I also don’t want to rush into anything just for the sake of having children. If you were to ask me what’s more important I’d have to say kids. If I had the money I would have already pursued other avenues for having them....adoption, freezing my eggs etc. Perhaps I do need to be more realistic though and begin to come to terms with never having kids. Maybe the position I’m in is just a sign that I’m not meant to be a mother. My best friend is pregnant with her first child and my brother and his fiancé has already said they want a lot of kids....so maybe I can just be happy living through them.

 

One guy I’ve been talking to for several weeks I am meeting for the first time this weekend. He’s driving over an hour to meet me for an early dinner. He is 43, divorced and has two little girls....but his sister just had a baby which he says has given him baby fever and he’d be open to the idea of having another with the right person. Another guy I’ve been on 2 dates with already is 38 and has one daughter. He also says he’d be open to having more with the right person, but that he’d want to be married first this time. The only thing that worries me about him is there seems to be a lot of drama between him and his daughters mom. He says he hates her....I just don’t understand how you can hate the mother of your child? Dislike....sure....but hate? It just kind of bothers me the way he talks badly about her. Of course I don’t know the whole story....but still. Then there is this 30 year old I just started talking to who has never been married with no kids and is actually open to having them. I’ve just never dated anyone that much younger. Not that it’s a huge age difference. Would just take some getting used to for me. He claims he likes older women because they are more experienced when it comes to relationships. Well that’s definitely not the case with me. My longest relationship was only 6 months which I think hurts me. A lot of men question me on that and see it as a flaw. That something must be wrong with me because I’ve never been able to sustain a relationship for more than six months.

 

Anyway, there are a few men that I’ve met who are open to the fact of having children, but the majority of them do not wish to have any or at least anymore. So yeah....maybe I do need to be more realistic about this whole thing. Maybe kids just aren’t in the cards for me. I’ve held on to the dream for far too long now. Perhaps I need to let go.

 

Thanks all for the advice! I really appreciate it.

[Sunlight72]

Well, it sounds like you have a pretty wide range of options coming your way.

 

Yep, decide what is most important to you, and hone in on that - sounds like you are thinking this through pretty well.

 

6 months sounds awfully short for a longest relationship, to be thinking now you may want to get pregnant by someone and live happily ever after. Please be careful with that. Perhaps you would survive it more in tact than a guy who is excited to be making a family with you, and then lose it a couple years later. You know yourself, and why things haven't work out longer, I don't. Please be honest with yourself, and about yourself as you go forward.

 

Best wishes,

Sunlight

Edited July 24, 2019 by Sunlight72

[elaine567]

6 months sounds awfully short for a longest relationship, to be thinking now you may want to get pregnant by someone and live happily ever after. Please be careful with that.

 

Cora, why do you think at 36, your longest relationship has only been 6 months long?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I found it the opposite: most men wanted children, even those that already had them. It was a deal breaker to them when I said I don't want children.

[Cora]

Cora, why do you think at 36, your longest relationship has only been 6 months long?

 

That’s a good question and to be honest I’m not really sure, but I’m going to try to explain why I think may be the reason(s). First off I grew up in a very strict home and did not start dating until I was 26. Well I wouldn’t even call it dating...at 26 got into my first FWB which lasted on and off for about 2 years until he met his girlfriend....now wife. From there I had a lot of first and second dates, but not much else. One guy I fancied quite a bit told me he just saw us as friends and not much more. The next girl he dated he ended up marrying. We kept in touch for awhile. Then when I was 31 I met an older man. He was 41 and I fell hard for him. We dated for 6 months until he ghosted me one day. Met some new girl whom he’s still with today. That really tore me up and I had several more first dates only and a few one night stands. Which I’m not proud about. Then I met a guy I dated on and off for a couple months, but he was an alcoholic and got very verbally abusive. So I ended it. After him I was tired and took 2 years off from dating. I will also add that I am very shy and introverted. It’s very hard for me to open up and be vulnerable. I think that’s held me back a lot as well. And the fact that I care too much about what other people think. For example, if I really like a guy, if I don’t think my family would approve of him I won’t pursue things any further. I know that’s sad and I’m working on that. It’s just that I am very close with my family and I guess their opinion matters to me a little too much.

[Optimystic]

. Now I realize that it’s going to be harder to find guys my age who have never married and have no children. That’s totally fine....I’m ok with that. But I’m starting to think at my age should I just give up on trying to find a guy who is open to having kids (or more kids) someday?

 

I wouldn't be opposed to dating a guy a bit younger but still mature, like 30 year old men.. maybe be flexible on the ages of men you find interesting? I know it's ideal to be with someone your exact age, but it's not always realistic. You could be preventing yourself from being with a great guy who wasn't born the exact year as you. As an example, I think of Rashida Jones and Ezra Koenig. She just had her first child with him and is in her early 40s, while he's still in his mid 30s. It's not a big deal. Keep your options open!

 

Good luck

Edited July 25, 2019 by Optimystic