how would you rate chemistry/attraction at the beginning

[alphamale]

By the time I left, I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex with him.

 

[Springsummer]

Nope, not reliable at all. I was attracted to my first husband when we met and married. By the time I left, I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex with him.

What changed?

[The Outlaw]

Like alpha said at first, I can't meet any of the requirements. Any woman's attraction level in me would be really low at this point because I'm too well guarded because I just don't trust easily at all. If at all.

[Springsummer]

What changed for you?

[Springsummer]

Now, what am I supposed to do? everything is risky and unknown. things just don't seem to turn out the way we imagine?

[basil67]

Life comes with no guarantees. The only way to avoid risk is to do nothing.

[basil67]

What changed for me? Looking back, I think he had gone into depression. But it was around 1990 and depression wasn't a 'thing' back then. Refused to go on dates. Wouldn't go to events with me. Had to go to events on my own. If he did come, he'd be beside himself with nerves. Also there was the negativity. In short, he wore me down and I become chronically ill.

[alphamale]

What changed for you?

 

everything

[d0nnivain]

oh, goodness...so attraction in the beginning is not reliable? um...scare me...I am doomed...nothing seems to work.

 

Attraction at the beginning only tells you whether superficially looking at the person -- knowing nothing else -- you think they are hot. If they open their mouths & are bigoted, mean-spirited, judgmental, clingy, bat-**** crazy or any other of a myriad of unacceptable things you need to be able to intellectually recognize that being attractive does not make them good relationship material. Take a mental picture; use it for fantasy purposes but move on.

 

You have to find somebody who makes your pulse quicken & your juices flow but then who as you get to know them they stimulate your mind & make you laugh. You have to find that person that 50 years from now when you have both lost your looks, your mind's eye still sees the young hot person because when you look with your heart, not just your eyes, they are an overall great person.

 

I suspect what happened to alphamale is that his EX wife went from a 9 to a 2 it was because her inner beauty paled in comparison to her superficial appearance. The key is finding somebody who is as gorgeous or better, even more so, inside rather than outside.

 

Remember, & I have posted this every so often . . . when I met my husband I was looking for a Player with a capital P -- handsome, suave, gives good date, NSA fun. I found the most loyal, intelligent, funny, loving man. As Beautiful & sexy as my husband is outside looks wise, he is 1000x more amazing as a person. Don't get me wrong. There are problems. Read any of my threads about my ILs. You do have to take the bad with the good.

 

Yes the zing should be there but if that is all there is, move along.

[alphamale]

I suspect what happened to alphamale is that his EX wife went from a 9 to a 2 it was because her inner beauty paled in comparison to her superficial appearance.

 

it was -2...she made my life a nightmare during the time we were married. she also had very few positive qualities. I should have dated her longer than six months so that her real personality emerged.

[d0nnivain]

it was -2...she made my life a nightmare during the time we were married. she also had very few positive qualities. I should have dated her longer than six months so that her real personality emerged.

 

 

But see you made my point: outside she may have been hot. Then you got to know her & her personality tanked her beauty

[alphamale]

But see you made my point: outside she may have been hot. Then you got to know her & her personality tanked her beauty

 

indeed d0nnivain

[mark clemson]

And by then from a 4 to a what?

 

 

I'd say an 8 when she was gussied up. I'd say generally she's a 6. That's enough for me though, esp if there's "chemistry" which there was. I have never been super fussy and needing a 10 (although I attained it serendipitously once).

 

Now in our late 40's she has held up pretty well, which is nice also and not that common frankly.

[Springsummer]

Life comes with no guarantees. The only way to avoid risk is to do nothing.

 

I am indeed fussy/picky, prudence and risk avoidance.

[Springsummer]

But I think attraction is more than objectively good look about a person. There must be something about that person. I think inner beauty can shine through a person that makes the person attractive.

 

It is the not how a person looks, but the ways a person looks that makes the person attractive.

 

You can tell if a person is sportive, attentive, positive, etc...by the ways one looks. You know the energy, the aura a person possess.

 

The first person that made me head over heel, literally felt like walking in air....not only he was super good looking, but also strong, sportive, attentive, observant, positive, super intelligent, philosophical, humorous, etc...too bad, I was a jerk.

 

Attractive people not only are good looking, but also radiate good vibe.

 

I would say basil67 and alplamale...probably are the exceptions? sorry to say that.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Springsummer

[Mr. Lucky]

if you are married or in a relationship how would you rate the attraction/chemistry you felt towards your partner at the beginning when you met them on a scale of 1-10 and why?

 

also how long have you been in a relationship/married?

 

curious minds want to know. thank you in advance.

 

I'll choose "5" since it falls in the middle of the scale. My initial impression was more "I really like this person" rather than "she's really hot". And when that was followed by "she's really funny", knew I was a goner. Happily married 33 years, she still makes me laugh every day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

 

I would say basil67 and alplamale...probably are the exceptions? sorry to say that.

 

Do I need to remind you of the current divorce statistics? I think they prove that we are not the exceptions.

[basil67]

I am indeed fussy/picky, prudence and risk avoidance.

 

Problem with this is that you'll remain single because every single person you date comes with risk. Perhaps a different approach would be to work on your resilience. It's the skill of knowing you'll be OK even something bad does happen.

 

I don't agree that one can judge a person by some kind of aura. I think that only months of quiet observation will tell you who they are. And even then, sometimes they change after you think you know them.

[chillii]

I guess people are different then.

 

I rarely feel attracted to someone. but a few times in my life I have felt immediate attraction.

 

I think attraction is an immediate thing for me.

 

 

Me too. But if it's not there straight away nothing will change either.

[Curiousroxy86]

Do I need to remind you of the current divorce statistics? I think they prove that we are not the exceptions.

 

I think alpha is common. people get together all the time because they are super physically attracted and by the end of the relationship they cant stand the person because unfortunately they were not compatible and/or one or both didn't treat the other right

 

basil has a great marriage but basil also admits that she dont look at the physical at all like from the beginning. like if she was single she would happily date someone who is below average (ugly, hideous, etc) if they showed themselves to be beautiful on the inside. I dont think thats common among men and women. some physical attraction is normally considered at the beginning. I have heard of people dating average but not someone who doesnt care at all about looks at the beginning.

 

I actually tried to do what basil naturally did at one point in dating. couldnt do it lol. a guy doesnt have to be gorgeous but I couldn't do grotesque.

[Curiousroxy86]

donni or anyone who knows but forgive my ignorance what does il mean?

[schlumpy]

When we first met, it was about a 4 but it has risen substantially since then. I think if my own family was forced to choose between us I wouldn't fair well.

[d0nnivain]

couldnt do it lol. a guy doesnt have to be gorgeous but I couldn't do grotesque.

 

Nobody is asking you to do grotesque. However, do consider somebody a tad shorter, or lankier; with less hair or too hairy; carrying a few extra pounds (not obese) or waaay too skinny. Just stop looking for perfect. Be open to attractive & then let your heart rather than your eyes fill in the gaps.

 

 

what does il mean?

 

IL = in-laws

[Springsummer]

When we first met, it was about a 4 but it has risen substantially since then. I think if my own family was forced to choose between us I wouldn't fair well.

 

oh, wow...that's funny lol

 

So, now a common theme seem to emerge: women who don't score high in the outside department, generally score high in the inner department.

 

Maybe it's called compensation?

 

Does the same theme apply to men as well?

[Prudence V]

if you are married or in a relationship how would you rate the attraction/chemistry you felt towards your partner at the beginning when you met them on a scale of 1-10 and why?

 

About 8.5 He lost points for being British.

 

also how long have you been in a relationship/married?

 

 

We’ve been together about 15 years, married most of that (10+ years)

Edited July 24, 2019 by Prudence V